While We're Arguing Here...
I woke up the next morning feeling good. Really good.
The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the changelings were all singing 'Everything Is Awesome'. I'd have to teach them Haddaway's 'What Is Love' later, along with a few others, just to keep things fresh, but for now, there was no better song for the changelings to be singing while they worked. What they were working on, I wasn't sure, but there was a definite buzz of activity to the hive that wasn't present yesterday. Everyone seemed happy, including Skyflower, who seemed a lot less tense than before. Maybe she just needed a good cry. Playing the tough, ambitious military officer seemed to have been taking a toll. It was nice to see that she was starting to relax...
I was the ruler of a small country, and the Equestrian princesses had given their tacit seal of approval for the changelings to stay, from what Discord had shared with me. My subjects were happy, there were dozens of puppies underhoof playing around and providing free love to everyone they saw, and both my wife and I were feeling better than we had in a good, long time. Things were finally looking up.
There had been a note in my bedroom, which Skyflower had translated for me. I still don't know how the hell you're supposed to read those squiggley lines that ponies use for writing. Anyways, the note said that Ash and Leni had a surprise waiting for me in the throne room. They promised that it was a pleasant one. My wife and I made our way there, anxious to see what they'd had in mind...
--------------------------------------------
"Smith outdid himself," Ash admitted as he admired the gift, finished just an hour earlier. It was... it was a masterpiece. It was worthy of a king, an emperor, or even a god. Or perhaps even the king of god-emperors, if one existed. The mythril, the silver, the gold, the gems, the orichalcum, the adamant, the... well, everything came together into what could be only be called a symphony of metalwork. Had Smith been born a pony, he'd likely have been working directly under the princesses. Instead, he'd ended up mouldering away with the rest of his kind. Perhaps in the near future, his skills would be able to be put to better use. Dog food might be cheap, but it wasn't free, and it might be good to get some income flowing into the hive.
Lord Conrad was right: Money might not be able to buy love, but it can buy a puppy, which is basically in the same thing.
Leni, giggling, said, "Oh yeah. I can't wait to see his face when we give it to him."
------------------------------------------------
Discord was back in bloodhound mode, after a sleepless night. He'd hoped that surveying the area before sunrise might give him a chance at locating Sombra. Sadly, random chance had failed the lord of chaos, and now that the sun was shining, he was starting to get a little worried. Why?
Because Sombra was moving, and making a bee-line for the hive... and he was not alone. Worse, he was aware that he was being tracked, and had put up some sort of barrier, preventing teleportation into or out of the area... as well as blocking communication spells. Discord would have to go about three miles in the opposite direction to be able to contact the princesses...
So, he split himself, creating a duplicate, sending it out to send a message to Celestia and Luna. Hopefully, they'd be able to break the spell from the outside once they arrived. In the meantime, Discord was forced to resort to using more... unconventional means of transit.
This was why both iterations of Discord were launching themselves out of massive artillery cannons.
---------------------------------------------------
Sombra slipped from shadow to shadow, moving along with the charging troops. Sadly, there was no disguising the fact that they were enchanted: The bloodshot eyes, the foaming mouths, and the incoherent shrieks of rage were all subtle hints that they were under the control of dark magic. The black and red auras that radiated off of them was a slightly less obvious sign. A pity. What documents were visible at the soldier's camp had indicated that a fragile truce had just formed between the changelings and ponykind. It might have been amusing to frame the princesses for an unprovoked attack, but needs must when Grogar drives...
The unicorn scowled at that thought. He'd have to hurry. If he wanted to cement his resurrection, then he'd have to obtain his target, then head to the ruins of Tambelon before midnight rolled around again. As much as he despised non-unicorns, the dreaded dark lord of Tambelor, the kingdom that had once stood in the land that eventually became Equestria, possessed power well beyond Sombra's own, even if he was locked within the realm of shadows for all of eternity. He'd proven more than willing to bestow boons of power to Sombra, in exchange for the souls of those who shared his bloodline. His father, his mother, his brother...
That one had been difficult, especially since Skyflower had decided to stick her muzzle in and investigate afterwards. Of course, a properly crafted curse was completely indistinguishable from a horrible disease, but he'd wished that it had not been necessary. A pity, though: He'd kept Skyflower alive because of the possibility that he might one day need to sacrifice her soul in exchange for his life back. However, this would mean that, unless he started siring offspring of his own, Sombra would have nothing left to bargain with if he needed something from Grogar in the future. Well, he'd didn't mind the process of creating an heir, but at this point in time, finding a pure-blooded unicorn on which to sire his offspring on might prove a challenge. Of course, since he planned on sacrificing them, any old pony could, objectively, do, but he wasn't about to soil his perfection by shacking up with a mud pony.
Well, regardless, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it...
------------------------------------------
Princess Celestia woke up feeling surprisingly good, given all the chaos of the last twenty-four hours. Thankfully, the most pressing issues, Tirek's return and the changeling swarm's presence in Equestria, had resolved themselves in a manner that even the most jaded pony could call satisfactory. Admittedly, it meant that there would soon be a new player on the world stage, but Conrad seemed a decent sort. More importantly, upon reflection, his ideas for the creation of a changeling city had revealed several intriguing ideas for future construction projects. At the first opportunity, she'd have to see about picking his brain (Metaphorically, of course) regarding the construction methods of his homeland...
The princess was startled out of her reverie by the sight of a letter from Twilight Sparkle in its usual place on her bedside table. It had been... well, practically forever since her former student, now her fellow co-ruler, had written a letter. The feeling she experienced upon seeing it was practically nostalgic.
That feeling lasted exactly twelve point three seven five seconds after unrolling the message. Sighing, Celestia rolled the letter up, placed it back on the bedside table, and then broke into a flat run out her bedroom door, shouting "Code Lavender" as she passed Secretary Raven.
'Code Lavender' was the call sign for when Celestia had to rush off and prevent Twilight Sparkle from doing something with the best of intentions that might accidentally spark off a world war or a world-ending calamity. Thankfully, since moving to Ponyville, the youngster had not triggered such a catastrophic event, but from ages six to sixteen, she had kept Celestia so busy that an official codeword had to be given to when Twilight had done something... ill-advised. The phrase would put the entirety of the Equestrian Army on high alert, warn all of the superheroes in Manehattan that they might soon be needed, and would also advise the leader of every nation on the planet to, essentially, "Hold on to your flanks, because Twilight Sparkle is at it again." Lovely girl that Twilight was, Celestia secretly wished that she was just a little less impulsive. Still, that impulsive aspect of her nature had saved Equestria far more often than it had endangered it...
The feeling of the wind beneath her wings as she rushed off to stop Twilight was practically nostalgic, but in an entirely different fashion...
-----------------------------------------------
Luna sighed as she stared at her bed with an expression of irritation. She really ought to be going to sleep. Admittedly, sleep was very nearly optional for an alicorn: Luna herself had once gone twenty-seven days without rest. She had not been what many would call a 'happy camper' for the last three days before she finally went to sleep, but she could manage to go several days without sleeping with no ill effects.
Under most other circumstances, she'd not even consider going out, but she was curious. This... Conrad had broadcast upon the night sky a wondrous display. It had been like nothing that she had ever imagined before, a story that had moved her in ways that she had difficulty in properly describing. She wanted more...
It wouldn't hurt to go and visit the hive. After all, Celestia had been urging Luna to take a vacation. Leave the palace, have some fun, that sort of thing...
That was why, when Secretary Raven rushed into Luna's room to advise her of the Code Lavender, all she found was a note indicating that she had left to visit the changeling hive.
--------------------------------------------------
"This has snafu written all over it."
"Yes, it certainly does. Things are moving far too quickly. There are too many unexpected developments, all occurring too quickly without anyone having a chance to compare notes."
"We... may have to step in. You know that, right?"
"I'd rather not, if we can avoid it. Tirek... well, the true Tirek, has started improving, now that we've shown him what has happened in your homeland during the last thousand years. He may be coming around. If possible, I'd rather not do anything to jeopardize that."
"...And you'd rather not have to face Celestia right now, either."
"We parted on... ill terms, yes. I've been dreading a reunion, I will freely admit that. However, I'm the one responsible for this mess, and I imagine she already suspects that my hoofprints are all over this situation. We'll continue to observe for now, and if things go wrong, I'll step in myself."
-----------------------------------------------------
With the eyes of the entire hive upon me, I held up the gift that Ash and the rest of the hive had decided to bestow upon me, in gratitude for all that I had done for them. In a way, I had expected the armor. It was... well, I'll admit it, that shit was fucking beautiful. Had it been the only thing in there, and the red cape removed, I'd have been moved beyond words. It might have been just a cuirass, bracers, and greaves, but it was a fucking masterpiece. The metal was polished to a mirror shine, and, well...
The guy who made it, Smith, he went a little crazy with the embossing, and the enruning, and the, well, just about everything. Okay, he went super, mega, ultra crazy. As Smith went on and on about what all the different rare materials that had gone into this thing, and what each individual rune did, I came to a realization: The cuirass alone was probably worth enough to buy a small country. Or a large country. Or maybe a planet. No, I am not exaggerating: Leaving aside the absurd value of the materials that composed the armor, and the sheer craftsmanship that had gone into it, the protective enchantments were beyond anything you can imagine. Wearing the full set, the enchantments would ensure that I would be protected from everything short of a tactical nuke, and even the nuke would probably do little more than singe my beard slightly.
The crown was a nice touch, and they even went ahead and commissioned two, a modest one for when I'm sober, and a more... ostentatious one for if/when Emperor Kickass McAwesometown made a comeback. Neither one sported any magical powers, asides from their latent +5 Swagger bonus. Honestly, even a 'humble' crown can be rather badass. In fact, the more humble ones usually are.
But what really moved me more than anything else was the guitar...
Ash had noted, privately, that over the course of my drunken escapades, that I had made several 'air guitar' gestures, complete with 'meedley noises' (His words, not mine, but I do not doubt it. That does sound like me when I'm drunk), so in addition to the armor and the crown, he'd also commissioned Smith to make a fully functioning magical guitar. It included an internal, self-regenerating power source, which Smith promised could play for up to six hours straight without breaks, and recharge in less than an hour even after being drained. It also possessed an internally based sound system that could manage anything from a private performance to a city-wide rock concert. It also housed a 'mnemonic enchantment' that could take any song directly from my memory, and play everything, minus the lead guitarist's part, when I played. So yeah, it was like a self-contained Guitar Hero game. The red and black paint job was a nice touch, as it matched the new bod. Oh, and it had a pick that was made from the scale of a red dragon, magically bonded to the guitar, so I'd never lose it.
It was the single greatest thing that I had ever been given by anyone.
Alright, I'll be straight with you: In high school I was a bit of a metal head. I even ran my own speed metal band for a bit, before I took a major interesting in structural engineering. So yeah, I like the metal, and I can play guitar a bit.
Okay, maybe more than a bit.
What? You think that's strange? Well, excuse me for having a diverse range of interests. My life might have been simpler if I'd not had so many distractions, but it certainly would not have been as rich.
Regardless, I will freely admit that I was moved beyond words. It was like Turbo Christmas, and I'd not gotten the changelings anything. I was moved to tears...
And that was when the lavender unicorn with wings stormed into the throne room with her five friends, all wearing their fancy bling, and shot me full of rainbows. Yes, I wish I could describe what happened better than that, but that was exactly what happened. They stormed in, and without even a 'how-do-you-do', they just straight up let loose with the double rainbow.
Double rainbow, all the way 'cross the sky...
Okay, okay, I'll stop.
What really seemed to surprise everyone was the fact that I was still standing afterwards. It took me a few seconds to realize why. What was it that the queen had said?
"So this is the infamous Lord Tirek himself. The Terror Of Equestria. The prisoner who escaped Tartarus. The one who stole the magic from all the ponies of Equestria, turned Discord against his friends, and stole the power of both the princesses and the embodiment of Chaos itself... and lost it all after being hit by a rainbow."
Apparently, while word was out that 'Lord Tirek' had returned, word had not yet gotten out that Lord Tirek was not 'Lord Tirek'. Grand. Just grand. Well, at least I was immune to the power of rainbows, it seemed.
Looking over at Skyflower, I asked, jokingly, "Is it customary in Equestria to greet total strangers by shooting them in the face? Or is it just because I'm special?"
Skyflower gave a giggle-snort at that, although she had the good grace to blush slightly as well.
------------------------------------------
Had Twilight Sparkle not... relieved herself before entering the hive, she might have released her bowels so fiercely in that one moment that she'd become the first alicorn to achieve a Sonic Rainboom through explosive defecation. Lord Tirek had taken the full power of the Elements of Harmony to the face, and seemed none the worse for where. In fact, he seemed to be cracking jokes about it.
The Elements of Harmony, Equestria's universal 'I win' button, as Rainbow Dash had once called it, had failed!
Steeling herself, she shouted, "Again, girls!"
The familiar flare of energy coursed through her body, the Elements aligned, and....
*phrrrrrrrrrt*
...There really should have been a more dignified way for the Elements to indicate that they weren't going to fire again, asides from a fart noise.
Twilight gulped as she realized that she and her friends were now outnumbered by the changelings. Seriously. There must have been... thousands of them. And they did not look happy. In fact, they looked positively livid. And they were starting to close in.
This was bad. This was very bad. Twilight might have been able to hold her own against this many changelings, but her friends were almost certain to get hurt. With Lord Tirek here, and at the level of power he had obviously achieved...
"Stop."
The changelings, in a motion so perfectly simultaneous that it might have been choreographed, all ceased their advance at once. It took a moment to realize that the one who spoke wasn't one of the changelings, but Lord Tirek himself.
"I'm not about to watch you guys do to a bunch of teenagers what you did to the queen," he said, in a surprisingly stern tone. "There was no harm done, and I'm almost certain that they had me confused with someone else, so let's let this one slide."
One of the changelings, an armored one with a surprisingly amused expression, said, "Very well. Clear the throne room, everyone. Lord Conrad will need to have a word with Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends."
Conrad? Who was Conrad?
As the changelings left the room, Tirek advanced upon Twilight and her friends, and with an expression that was so uncharacteristically friendly that Twilight almost didn't recognize it for what it was at first. A unicorn mare with an... oddly familiar color scheme followed close behind. After a moment, Tirek said, "Skyflower, be a dear and introduce us, please."
With a formal curtsy, the mare said, "Your highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle, you stand in the august presence of Lord Conrad Conrad, ruler of the changeling hive." Turning towards this... Conrad, she added, "Conrad, this is Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria. In addition, she is escorted by her friends Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack, the bearers of the Elements Of Harmony."
"A pleasure to meet you all," the centaur said, pleasantly.
-------------------------------------------
Sombra's soldiers were positioned just outside the treeline. His soldiers seethed, but would obey for now. It would only be a few more minutes, and he would loose his minions. He'd only have one chance at this, and timing, as they say, is everything...
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NEW CHAPTER UP!!!
5538332
Also may or may not be relevant...
mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-2430839-1-bDDVx.jpg
God f*ckingdamn it, man! Almost woke up my house with laughter.
Also:
1) Scorpan has o be behind some part of this
2) Awesome loot from changelings is awesome
3) Code Lavender must become canon now, or at least fanon
4) the Elements made a fart sound?
5) Sonic Rainboom through explosive defecation. Please let that NOT become an actual thing.
Tension's rising!
Can't wait for the next chapter!
Little random bit of trivia: the word "snafu" comes from the military slang acronym SNAFU: "Situation Normal; All Fucked Up".
Oh my god, I literally laughed out loud at this bit.
Oh my gosh, that is one pimped out guitar.
The meeting with the Mane 6 felt a bit anti-climactic.
5538400
.
Well, obviously: This isn't the climax
Oh… This is getting interesting.
BTW, why is it I'm not surprised Discord used himself as an artillery shell?
There are no words in the languages of men, gods, or devils for the level of asskicking Sombra is about to experience.
So happy that your updating quickly :3
5538374
Ah Grogar, one of the most evil villains in cartoon history. Also why am I not surprised that Celestia has a Twilight specific code?
So might the next chapter imitate the SpongeBob movie and see an awesome rock song defeat an army of zombies?
5538397 thank you, someone who knows what snafu means
I.. I.. I have no words... that was the single most anti climatic (and absolutely hilarious) ending to a chapter i,ve ever read. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
oh crap! the orbital friendship cannon failed!...
LAUNCH THE NUKE!!!
And now we shall se Twilight's half of the chapter title conversation/argument.
5538452
The blacksmiths name is smith... ok.
also,
You used this word, subtle.... I don't think it means what you think it does.
Great chapter
You know, I almost feel sorry for Sombra. Almost.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/135/710/130660655896.jpg
i am now waitng for the following
-sombra to bust in only to see an armored tirek and the elements of harmony plus one alicorn twilight
-discord to launch into the room at the same time screaming some social nuance that also comes as a 4th wall breaking reference
-one celestial alicorn prepared for what will be refered to as a potential code lavender
-one annoyed lunar monarch who's vacation was interrupted by one very ill timed snatch and grab attempt by sombra
-some if not all the changlings coming back in wondering what happened only for them to recognize sombra
-skyflower to immediately shoot a fireball just because the thought"sombra.here.now" crossed her mind
-those gods to step in like "sorry everyone but could you lot hold your rainboom level shits for later"
The set up is SNAFU and Sombra is about to be FUBAR. I LOVE IT!
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
5538463
There's people who don't?
Also, I think Sombra might want to rethink storming this particular castle today. The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony (with bling equipped), goodguy!Tirek, a metric f
kton of changelings, and Princess Luna on her way. Versus a squadron of berserk guardsponies.
I hoped he would go full Metal and start mosh pits all over equestria when he got the guitar
Literally the only living character named in the story thus far who is not at or converging on the changeling hive right now is Secretary Raven.
5538514
I'm thinking Koolaid Man's classic "OH YEAH!" entrance.
How about you?
I'm imagining Sombra entering the Castle Major, seeing pretty much everything that ever oppose him having friendly discourse(d), and going "This is just not fair!"
Now we see Sombra about to prove that he is, in fact, a jack-wagon.
5538540 more like improper word usage in most cases but i have ran into a few
it looks like a straight up snatch and grab from the setup.
Aw, I was hoping Twilight and Conrad would end up clashing, and Twilight would only start to suspect this wasn't actually Tirek because this guy just sucks at using magic compared to old Tirek, who just used it to hit stuff.
Sombra is screwed. So terribly screwed. Discord, Celestia, Luna, and the elements are going to be in one place...
And Tirek's body being there is important too. The guy currently in possession (get it?) of the body is currently married to Skyflower, who Somber plans on sacrificing. Seeing as old king smokey is a villain, he'll probably monologue and tell everyone of his plan. Of course, Conrad is gonna be pissed hearing and use Tirek's actual powers on the stallion.
One sided ass kicker ya know.
5538499 No. The smithy's name is Andersmith.
you got featured again :D
5538485 there goes his beard
Been learning from Pinkie have we?
5538553 axe the door and do a HEEReS JHONNY!
I think dragon tooth would do better, because
....you are amazing.....truly amazing...
now... for Sombra to order ALL of his zombie minions to fire thousands of magic bolts at once at everyone, only for Conrad to block ALL of them at once with his bare hands, devour the magic, then spit it back out at him at twice the power.
keep up the good work as always
Sombra is SO F*CKED UP!!
5538499
I think it was sarcasm.
5538723 Thank you for pointing that out to me, I've never understood sarcasm. Nor have I ever used it in my own comments.
Another great and hilarious chapter. Well done, Bucking Nonsense!
I would love to see the changelings sing that song. It would probably allow them to produce love for them to eat.
Okay, maybe that's a bit too far, but still, I would like to see Conrad teach the changelings to sing "What is Love".
Lampshade hanging FTW.
Interesting. So Luna's going to visit the changeling hive and might run into Sombra who is about to attack the hive with his possessed minions. I bet she will interrupt the attack and somehow alert Conrad and the changelings.
Ooh, nice one, Conrad. I would like to see Conrad properly introduce himself to the mane six...and proceed to kick Sombra's butt when he shows up. It'll be interesting to see how the later chapters would like.
Keep up the excellent work!
5538408
Everyone thought it would be epic battle, Twilight shooting magic at Conrad while he's trying to dodge and explain everything... But you did unexpected, you add some logic to random comedy and polite conversation ensue! That's a great and unexpected plot twist! Thank you for it!
I'm not sure if that's grammatically correct...
5538617
Twilight screwed up the Elements. They're useless pieces of jewelry now. I don't know what will happen with Equestrian magic now, because Tree was robbed of Elements, and Elements are squeezed dry. I hope after Twilight's harsh actions the end of the world is still avoidable, but...
5538808
It's a reference. An hero.
remove one conrad
i think i might have to remove this comment because of the constant corrections i am getting and a downvote REALLY?! if i get one more correction on my mistake i will delete this comment for frankly i don't want my inbox clogged with responses to a mistake that has already been answered by the writer HIMSELF
5538844
His full name is Conrad Conrad.
5538851 really? i must have forgotten
*blinks*
The one behind Conrad's, uh, Tirekification...
It's Scorpan, isn't it?
Fantastic
But how did Smith make such epic level stuff in just one day?