The Midnight is Here

by Midnight Glimmer 1213

Lunar Lessons

Midnight looked up at Luna. "So, what do you want to teach me tonight?" Luna stared at Midnight, who had just successfully recited the basic constellations and major stars. But... their first lesson was just yesterday!

"Well, I couldst teach thou how thou couldst make the moon riseth, but that would have to be postponed until tomorrow's night." Luna suggested, but disappointed that it would have to wait.

"Besides, I'm pretty sure it's not to different from raising the sun." This made Luna stare in shock.
"I have a way of doing that, don't I?" Midnight said, remembering that exact look from Celestia.
"Y-yes," Luna managed. "Thou dost."
Suddenly Midnight thought of something. "Hey, how about I give you lessons on modern Equestria in exchange for lessons on the night? Yes! We start tomorrow!" Luna only had time to blink as Midnight teleported away to get ready.

***

"Ready?" Luna asked eagerly. She wanted Midnight to learn everything. Actually, she just wanted to teach everything. But still...

"Luna, I haven't taught you my stuff, yet!"

The smile dropped off of Luna's face. The more she thought about it, the more boring lessons about modern Equestria sounded. She didn't know why she agreed in the first place. Then again, she hadn't.

"So, first off, we don't use the traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. It's... gonna take a while to get used to that. And we say 'you', not 'thou'. 'Can', not 'canst'. 'Will', not 'wilst'. 'Do', not 'dost'. Lots of things like that.

***

Comments

[Johanson]

The concept is intriguing and honestly the writing is fairly decent, but the presentation leaves much to be desired.

For one thing, the chapters are pretty short. While I do believe that its better to write a few meaningful words than a thousand meaningless ones, we don't have much time to be drawn into the story. I think you should try to expand on some of these scenes (for example, add more fun dialogue between characters and I mean ones you create, not cut-outs from the show). You can add other struggles of the main character, such as perhaps a struggle with preserving a friendship or other kinds of struggles.
I always recommend adding details as much as possible. For example, describing the color of someone's coat or giving us details on the lighting of the scene (is it dark? Is the sun out? Are we in candlelight?). These things help draw a reader into the story and that is exactly what they want to do usually.
I also recommend you find a better cover image. There is a huge stigma here on Fimfiction over Ponycreator images, as a lot of people associate them instantly with bad writing. Thankfully there are hundreds of options for artwork to choose from (the image doesn't exactly have to be a pony after all), and heck, you can even try to make your own.

There's a bit more to be said about the story, but the aforementioned things are a good start to work on.

[The Guardian and Friends]

These chapters are too short. Pad them out.

[ShadowblazeCR]

m.quickmeme.com/img/7f/7fc3b7ce939e2212723c732aaf5005568da5b3397bee543d3d21419d62ce24f6.jpg

Another one.

[Shocks]

You walk a dangerous road here author. I warn you of the consequences.

[Danthebronyman]

A interesting read! I rarely ever read "E" stories though. It's actually quite nice to walk on the good side of the internet for once! The idea of Twilight having a sister actually makes sense! It seems to cause her passion for excellence, so this story hit the nail on the head! 1 thumb up from me!

[AlenasWorldGal]

Original.....me like it!! Very new and exciting, very curious and makes my mind question as to what I'd going to happen next. Very good! You earn a Derpy!

[Midnight Glimmer 1213]

5467611 5467940 Will try to make upcoming chapters longer! Thanks for the feedback!
5469349 5468845 Thanks!

chapter 5 is about the crusaders

[Zealot]

Zealot here from the "Say Something Nice" group.

I have to say, I'm intrigued. You weave a plot rather well and it's a great basis for a story. It just needs padding is all. Your grammar and sentence structure is pretty good. Reminds me of when I first started writing, I used to write short snippets like this to help plan everything out.

Hope you feel encouraged by this. Writing's hard, but it's a learning process too and fanfiction is a useful tool. Keep at it.

-Zealot

[Midnight Glimmer 1213]

5472649 Thanks, I didn't realize how hard it is to get to 1000 words. Goes to prove the saying, "It's not as easy as it looks."

[Zealot]

5474936

Hehe, ohh rah to that. Fortunately, the first 1000 is probably the hardest. Still, keep at it.