Sweetie Belle has had a crush on Apple Bloom since the last Hearts and Hooves day and is too shy to tell her. She then tells Rarity who invites Apple Bloom over so Sweetie Belle can explain her feelings.
Criticism is appreciated.
Cover image by viper9172, thanks!
Do keep in mind I'm only 13 and I wrote this while going to bed last night.
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its pretty good for a shor write
Good so far! You've got pretty clean dialogue and grammar, which is a very good thing.
Ok. First thing, this is the definition of bad romance writing. I myself am not very good at it, but even I understand the concept of pacing it out. As far as your ships are concerned, I must criticize the Appledash because it is just too common, but that's my personal opinion of it. Next, the Twility(?) I don't know what to call it... Anyway, it is a plausible ship, so I'm not going to protest it. Sweetie-Bloom, also plausible. I will not protest the pairings, but seriously. This is very quickly written.
To improve it, you may want to change it so that the pacing is a lot slower, and so they don't just admit their feelings right off the bat like that. I know how hard it is to write any shipping, especially if one has never experienced it for real. But, just like in real life, you need to give it time. You said that you wrote it while going to bed one night. That makes it clear that you were trying to rush out a story. My recommendation is that you make sure to take your time with your work, and make it quality work. This may seem harsh, but it is the criticism you said you appreciated.
Anyway, good day, and good luck with any future writing.
It's clean, sort of, but there are a few things I'd like to point out, if only for constrictive criticism;
You randomly threw in Rarity x Twilight, and Applejack x Rainbow Dash. You can't just throw in huge plot elements like this without proper explanation, even then, that's just way too much to just casually toss on the reader. It comes across as quite crude, leaving the reader agitated, which is a really bad thing. You need to focus on keeping the reader immersed.
There was no build-up, no climax, no suspense. Next time you write, consider planning out with simple notes and web diagrams. These will help tremendously. Also consider expanding on mental dialogue rather than just physical.
Overall, the syntax and dialogue were actually quite impressive for someone your age. Keep up practicing like this and honing your writing skills, and in a few years you'll be a freakin pro. Just expand on ideas more.
Also, no offenses intended, but you need to understand the difference between "its" and "it's", "your" and "you're". Failing this distracts the reader, leaving them frustrated and mad. You do not want that
This is pretty good for a short one. Even though you're only 13, your grammar, spelling, and punctuation are almost impeccable. There are a lot of people here that can learn a lot from you. I enjoyed how you managed to fit so many ships into such a small story.
525777 You know I thought that it was a good first attempt. i also enjoy Appledash.
526298 What?
Your comment confuses me. Can you please clarify what you're saying?
526362 You said that it was the definition of bad romance writing. however, for a first attempt I though that it was pretty good. you also "must criticize Appledash because it is too common, but I think that it is the best match of the 36 lesbian Mane Six combinations.
Very well written. Needs a bit of work on pacing. Also, it is considered "proper" to spell out most numbers, as in writing one-hundred fifty-seven, instead of 157. This is excused for ridiculously large numbers.
526383 That's better. Yes, I called this "the definition of bad romance writing". After rereading your other comment, I realize now what you had been saying. My reasoning is explained in my previous review, but I will clarify here as well.
I say it's bad because the story is incredibly rushed. There is no pacing, only "Sweetie Belle loves Applebloom. Applebloom loves Sweetie Belle. They confess. They're happy. End." That does sum up the whole story. It may be his first attempt at romance writing, but that doesn't make it better. It may make one more tolerant of it, but the quality remains. Even for first attempts, I find it rather poor.
Next, about Appledash. I am not opposed to it, although I do not find it the best. The most plausible, definitely. There are few flaws in Appledash shipping, the only ones I can think of would make me a bigot. I do prefer something like a TwiDash story myself, just for the irony prior to Read It and Weep. Now, I'd have to say that it's Twilight x Applejack, for the irony. Anyways, suit yourself. My opinion of the story remains unchanged.
well.... The transitions were... Choppy. Keep in mind also, that if it were so easy for Sweetie Bell to tell AB she probably would not have needed Rarity's help. But since she did, she would be extremely nervous about basically being told "I'm gonna stick you in a room with AB and not let you out until you confess." Which is basically what Rarity said. Not in as many words of course, but still the same basic message.
Another thing you should work on is your actual writing style. What you are doing is "telling," in other words, you are simply saying what happened. In order to get the greatest effect out of your stories you must "describe" events. I'll give you an example.
"This was going to help Sweetie Belle out. You see, she's had a crush on Apple Bloom since last Hearts and Hooves Day but she can never seem to tell Apple Bloom of her feelings. She wanted Rarity to be able to help her with this."
This would be one of those "telling" moments. To describe it, would make it go something more like
"Sweetie Belle knew this was her last chance. Her crush on Apple Bloom had been eating her up for weeks, but she had been unable to find the courage to tell anypony. Finally, it had become more than she could handle. She had to tell somepony, and she knew that if anypony would understand, it would be her big sister."
All right... I think thats it. This is a wonderful start, and as long as you remember those things mentioned above I think you will do awesome.
I just wanted to say that I guess this story does have some potential, but like flyingspud said before, you really did rush it. The only other thing is that I think to add more to the story with a conflict, for example, I think you're shipping too much in this (every character is in a lesbian relationship with one Another) so perhaps you make it so that AJ is opposed to it, and just like that you have a good shipping with a conflict that could carry this story into numourous chapters and debates. Just my input here, you asked for criticism. By the way, flyingspud, I too am a fan of TwiDash ships.
awwwwwwww, what a sweet sweet story
551204 Thanks
Some constructive critisism, it's a good idea but I think it needs more background, like the story starting from before they realise they have feeling for eachother, plus the random input of Twarity and Appledash doesn't really fit in
This really wasn't long enough. We need more!
661896
I'm writing a story that ties with this one about how Rarity and Twilight got together.
525777
Okay, I have a couple of issues with your criticisms. First of all, criticizing AppleDash due to its popularity is like criticizing Oreos because they're the number one selling cookie. You do go on to say that it is only your opinion, but you also have to recognize that others have the right to pair their favorites up any way they wish, regardless of your feelings on the matter. If you're going to dislike something I would hope the criteria you use to judge it is less shallow than its standings in the polls, and if the only other criteria would make you sound like a bigot, then no offense, but maybe you should do some re-examining.
Secondly, your opening comment is a bit harsh. Calling a story "the definition of bad romance writing", is more likely to get someone to stop writing altogether than it is to make them want to improve; or worse, continue to write poorly out of spite. Try to remember the Golden Rule (no not "he has the gold, makes the rules", the other one).
Other than that, I have no real problem with anything you said.
Author, soldier on. Like all talents, it only improves with practice.
739080 Well, that is my criticism of it in general. Something I forgot to mention in my previous criticism was that, in this case, it is just thrown in for no apparent reason. It just seems that the author wanted to ship every character in the story. I do have a problem with that. After all, you can't deny that there is no need to include it.
Also, I have no problem with something being popular. In my criticism, I simply omitted a few points that in hindsight, maybe I should have added. The popularity thing here is only because the ship was unnecessary to this Sweetie-Bloom story.
As for my opening statement: it's harsh. You know why? It's true. I don't understate things unless I'm invoking the Rule of Funny, so naturally I say it like it is. The shipping is flawless in the story, seeing as it's just "I love you Applebloom.""Really? I love you too, Sweetie Belle!" and then they're happy. That's just pathetic. I'm not a huge fan of romance writing for this reason exactly. Unless there's some form of conflict between the lovers, then I see no reason to write it as a story. A poem or song maybe, but not a story.
And please refresh my memory: what is this "Golden Rule" of which you speak? The only one I live by is to please the Manatee Overlords. So please, tell me what it is.
Good day.
739227
I can agree that it's not necessary to ship every last character, but tossing out an interesting tidbit of non-essential info can add a little more depth to a story. In some cases, it can even lead to a jumping off point for another story. But I can see your point about gratuitous shipping. Too much of a good thing will make it lose its impact.
Stuff becoming popular is both good and bad. In some cases it can lead to something great, like MLP: FiM. However, it can lead to overexposure, turning people against it, like you have become to AppleDash, or the anit-brony crowd to all things MLP. Just saying that if you're going to list why you dislike something, you may want to choose something more defensible.
As for the harshness, I'm more inclined towards leniency for something from a thirteen year-old. No reason to expect the next great American novel from someone still learning how to put together a good story from scratch. And honestly, I would be horrified if someone were to read the stories or see the art I was making at that age. Bleagh.
You need to get new overlords. I suggest the Flying Spaghetti Monster. At least if you get hungry, you can eat him. The Golden Rule to which I refer is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
This was a really cute story, and like many others, I felt it was too short. Still, it was cute to see a cute Applebloom/Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom forgetting that Applejack was dating Rainbow made me laugh. Not sure why.
762691
Thanks, I am writing a side story on how Rarity and Twilight became special someponies so that should be out soon. I will try and make it longer and more detailed so it should be a little better.
Cool. I look forward to it.
Nice job! I sympathize with you; I'm not even twelve yet, and I've been writing for years. Reminds me (in a good way) of Scootaloo's Stolen Heart.
They too had the same random kind of inputs of pairings between the mane six, one of them even being Twarity. It didn't have much buildup or suspense, but I honor you for trying this unexplored ship. I'm too immersed in operation S.C.O.O.T.A.B.E.L.L.E to really write Sweetie Bloom or anything else right now, but a worthwhile read.
763896
This wasn't a bad story, but it was rushed and overly perfect.
Sounds cool! I might check it out.
A story I might recommend is New Discoveries. It's a good story, ignoring my avatar.
Why did you say Applejack was dating Rainbow APPLEDASH SUCKS!!!!!