The Snowball Fight

by zaponator

Sweets And Elites

"I still can't believe Sweetie's gone…" Scootaloo breathed.

"She's not gone. She's right over there!" Apple Bloom pointed across the way to where Sweetie Belle could be seen trotting happily down the road towards town.

"Oh… Hi, Sweetie Belle!"

Sweetie Belle looked over and saw the other two Crusaders waving. She waved back brightly, then continued skipping towards home.

Scootaloo turned back to Apple Bloom. "Alright, I'm thinking we try to sneak into this next one. See if we can slip past the guards using stealth and trickery instead of just wandering in there disguised."

"Why?" Apple Bloom tilted her head. "It actually worked alright last time until everything went sideways."

"I'unno. Why not?"

"…'kay."

With their new plan in mind, the two set off towards their next target. They trekked through the wintery forest, carefully keeping an eye out for errant patrols of Conglomerites. Strangely, they didn't run across a single patrol for the entire trip, and before long, they saw the fort in the distance.

As they got closer, and the details came into view, both Crusaders couldn't help but stop and stare.

"Whoa."

"Y'all can say that again."

"…whoa."

The castle was easily the most impressive yet. It hardly even looked like it was made of snow. Instead, the structure seemed to be constructed of candy and frosting. Giant candy canes framed the gate, and huge gumdrops formed delicious battlements. A large tower was featured in the center, and atop the tower sat a roof tiled with chocolate wafers. The castle had plenty of open windows, and each window was framed with oversized sticks of cinnamon.

"Okay," Apple Bloom held up a hoof, pointing incredulously, "how in the flying hay does something like that even make sense?!"

"Apple Bloom, the fact that you even ask questions like that shows me that your focus is in entirely the wrong place right now."

"…what?!"

"Shut up and follow me. It's time to give them a taste of their own candy."

---

There were guards posted at the front gate, but fortunately there were plenty of windows to choose from all around the castle. The Crusaders approached from the back, moving swift and low across the open ground and pressing themselves up against the ice cold wall as soon as they reached it.

"Look," Apple Bloom whispered as the two of them inched towards an open window. "Button Mash's little fort? Sure, that kid has way too much time on his hooves. I can accept that."

She paused to boost Scootaloo up into the window sill. Moments later, an orange hoof reached down and yanked Apple Bloom inside. The two of them continued stealthily down the hallway.

"And Snips and Snails' place? Well, the two've 'em are unicorns. And even then, it was really just a big dome anyway. That's believable. But this!?" Apple Bloom gestured around them at the hall they were currently in. The floor was topped by a rich red rug, made of woven licorice, and the walls were decorated with tapestries depicting various sweets and confections.

"This is just absurd!"

"Apple Bloom." Scootaloo paused to peer around a corner before motioning for Apple Bloom to follow. "You need to stop overthinking things. Can't you just be happy to kick butt and take names in a big, cool castle? Who cares how it got here?"

"I care! It makes no sense!"

"Lots of stuff makes no sense. Look, ugh," Scootaloo rounded on Apple Bloom with a flat stare. "Do you remember the old treebrary? Before it got all crystal castle-y?"

Apple Bloom blinked at the apparent non-sequitur, but decided to go along with it. "Uh… yeah. The Golden Oaks. I liked that place. Shame it exploded."

"Sure, whatever." Scootaloo waved a hoof. "But did you ever go inside?"

"Of course. Are you saying I can't read?"

"What?! No!"

"Good… 'cause I can."

"That's fantastic, but not the point!" Scootaloo waved her hooves frantically. "Here's my point: You saw the library from the outside. How big was it?"

Apple Bloom thought about it for a moment. "Y'know… tree-sized. Not all that big."

"Right!" Scootaloo nodded. "And you went inside. How big was it in there?"

"I… Uh…" Apple Bloom blinked. She blinked again. She could already feel a headache coming on. "It was… it was a lot bigger!"

Scootaloo pointed with one forehoof while holding the other to her muzzle. "Bang on the money."

"But… What?!"

Scootaloo shrugged. "I started noticing this stuff a long time ago. The answer is: don't think about it."

Apple Bloom stared blankly at her friend for a full minute before responding. "Okay."

They continued along their way in total silence. They passed through hallway after hallway in search of some sign that might lead to their target. Finally, the sound of clopping hooves could be heard echoing from somewhere ahead of them.

"Crud! Hide!" Scootaloo whispered harshly. She dove behind a tapestry while Apple Bloom crouched in the shadows of a potted gumdrop tree.

The guard appeared mere moments later. He was a unicorn colt in some sort of uniform. Like most Conglomerate goons, his face was covered; a black scarf wound around his head several times before disappearing underneath a black toque.

They waited for him to pass, only to suck in a breath as the guard stopped just after passing them. The guard looked around furtively, fidgeting on his hooves as he did so. Once he was satisfied that he was alone, he slowly, slowly leaned his head towards the rug. Fighting excited shivers, the guard carefully extended his tongue and took a long lick of the licorice carpet. A prolonged shiver passed through his uniformed body.

Apple Bloom gagged. She looked over to check her friend's reaction, but Scootaloo wasn't in her hiding spot anymore.

Scootaloo crept like a cat until she was directly behind the guard. She tensed, breathed in, and then pounced. Her hooves wrapped around his neck before he had a chance to cry out, but he struggled to break free. The guard writhed and wriggled in Scootaloo's grip, fighting back with all his might. Scootaloo held on resolutely, being careful not to cut off his breathing or circulation as she held him around the neck.

"Dude, quit struggling! You're gonna hurt yoursel—"

Snap!

A sickening snap cut Scootaloo off, and then the guard went still. Scootaloo blinked. Apple Bloom blinked from where she was watching in the shadows.

"Ahh!" Scootaloo flung the limp body away from her to where it landed in a tangle of limbs on the floor. "AAAAHHHHH!"

"AAAAHHHHH!" Apple Bloom rushed out of cover to join in the panic. "SCOOTALOO, WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO," Scootaloo sobbed. "Quick, we have to hide the body! I can't go to jail! I'm just a filly; do you know what they do to fillies in jail!?"

Apple Bloom blinked. "No! Do you!?"

"No! But I'm gonna find out unless you grab his friggin' head while I grab his tail! Get over here and help me find a nice, deep pit! Preferably an actual empty grave."

Apple Bloom hesitated. As much as she didn't want to become an accessory to murder, she'd always been told friendship was more important than anything else.

"Alright." Apple Bloom shrugged and trotted over to help her friend dispose of the body.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" The guard suddenly thrashed out of their grip and fell to the floor. "Oof!"

"Ahh!" Scootaloo and Apple Bloom screamed in harmony.

"Zombie!" Scootaloo exclaimed. "Stand back, I'll kill it!" She grabbed a large chunk of ice and lifted it over her head. "Back to Tartarus with you, monster!"

"Stop it! I'm not a zombie!" The guard curled up and shielded his face with his forehooves.

Scootaloo hesitated. Apple Bloom leaned in to whisper, "It could be a zombie trick. Keep your eyes on 'im."

"It's no trick!" The guard exclaimed, half-near sobbing at this point. "I made that snapping noise myself. I thought it would be cool! Jeeze, why are you two taking a game so seriously."

Scootaloo squinted at him for several moments. Her scrutiny lasted long enough for the guard to start fidgeting awkwardly before Scootaloo finally dropped the chunk of ice with a sigh.

"Fine, I guess you're not a zombie. Go back to being out then."

"Oh, r-right!" The colt flopped back down onto the floor with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"Brilliant. Let's keep moving." Scootaloo gestured for Apple Bloom to follow and then trotted on ahead.

Apple Bloom slunk after her friend, shaking her head. "Today is weird."

At long last, they discovered an ornate candy door at the end of a long hallway. Unfortunately, the door was protected by a pair of Conglomerites. The two filly guards were an earth pony and a pegasus, and it was clear there was no simply going around them.

"You got a plan?" Apple Bloom asked Scootaloo as they crouched around a corner, out of view of the guards.

"Sorta," Scootaloo replied tentatively. "It's… not an amazing plan."

Apple Bloom shrugged. "Better than no plan. Let's do it."

"Alright then. I'll wait here. You go convince them to follow you around this corner."

Apple Bloom squinted. "That's the plan. You weren't lyin' about it bein' not amazing. That's the most not-amazing plan I've ever heard."

"Don't sweat it! I've totally got this. Just go get 'em."

"Why don't you go get 'em!?"

"You're not as immediately recognizable as I am! Now quit stalling!" With that, Scootaloo shoved Apple Bloom forcefully out into the hallway, and into view of the guards.

The guards tensed, but didn't attack. Apple Bloom tried not to visibly show her relief as she trotted towards them carefully.

"Uh… howdy!" she said with forced cheer as she came within speaking range.

"Greetings," one guard replied. "Is there something you need?"

"Well, I—"

"Wait a second!" The other guard interrupted. She picked up a snowball and took several steps forward to stare intently at Apple Bloom. Apple Bloom fidgeted under the intense scrutiny as the guard seemed to be staring straight through her.

"I think I recognize you from somewhere…"

Apple Bloom fought to keep her hooves from shaking. She offered an entirely fake smile as she considered whether or not she could outrun two thrown snowballs and make it back around the corner in time. It was doubtful at best. Well —she tensed her muscles and subtly bent her legs— best to go out fighting.

"Nah, never mind! I got nothing." The guard dropped her snowball and stepped back into place.

Apple Bloom was so relieved, she very nearly missed the other guard's question.

"So do you need anything?"

Apple Bloom stared back for several seconds. "Oh! Oh, yes. Yes I do." She smiled crookedly. "I, uh, I saw something suspicious over there… around that corner. If'n you'll just follow me, I can take y'all to, uh, investigate it or whatever."

The guards stared back in silence.

"This seems like the single most legitimate thing I have ever heard. Lead the way!"

"Uh… right. Follow me!" Apple Bloom trotted back the way she'd come with the two oblivious guards in tow. Whatever Scootaloo was planning, she hoped it worked out. When they reached the corner, Apple Bloom held her breath and stepped around it.

"Name's Scootaloo." Scootaloo was standing on her hind hooves with a smirk and two perfectly formed snowballs. "Ice to meet you!"

Piff!

Baff!

Both guards collapsed into groaning heaps, their faces covered in snow.

Apple Bloom stared, mouth agape. "That was it!? Your plan was to give a one-liner and then hit them with snowballs!?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "Worked, didn't it?"

"Why'd I have to lead them over here!? We could've done that to them in front of the door!"

"Yeah, but this was so much cooler! Now c'mon," Scootaloo sprinted down the hall towards the door. "Time's a-wasting!"

They stacked up in front of the ornate door and took several deep breaths.

"You ready for this?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Yeah… Hey, Apple Bloom, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"What?" Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Uh… why?"

Scootaloo didn't miss a beat. "To get to the castle. Knock knock."

"Who's… there?"

"The chicken!"

Scootaloo spun and bucked the door with all her might. Candy and ice shattered beneath the force and exploded into the room beyond. The two fillies jumped through the wreckage and landed in fighting stances next to each other.

"Knock knock, mother—Seriously?!"

As the dust settled and the room came into focus, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were greeted by at least six henchponies standing in a semi-circle before them. All of them were armed with snowballs, and all of them were ready. Only one thing held them back: their leader.

She sat in a balcony overlooking the large room. High, high above the dangerous situation below, reclining on a throne of gingerbread, was a cream coloured earth pony filly with a tangled mess of red mane and a large pair of purple glasses.

"Twist?!" Both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shouted.

Apple Bloom gave her old friend an imploring look. "Twist, why're y'all on the bad guy team!?"

Twist stared back for several seconds, before finally answering with a shrug.

"Well okay then!" Scootaloo looked around at their dire situation. "You've got us here, but you're not attacking. What do you want?"

Twist hopped off her chair and leaned over the balcony with a maniacal grin. "It'th quite thimple, my thilly little friendth!"

"…what!?" Apple Bloom shouted. "I can't… I don't know what you're saying!"

"Oh pleath," Twist replied with a wave of her hoof. "My thpeech problemth aren't tho bad that you can't underthtand what I'm thaying!"

Scootaloo rubbed at her ears. "I… I think she's trying to communicate. Apple Bloom, are you getting any of this?"

Apple Bloom shook her head. "I'm hearin' somthin', but I can't make heads or tails of it."

"Thtop that! I'm thupposed to be giving a propothition!" Twist pulled at her mane frantically. "The three of uth could thtop The Conglomerate and thave the thchool! I'm willing to thide with the Cruthaders over the thtupid Conglomorate any day!"

"Yeah, it's just a bunch of nonsense to me. I think she's just messing with us." Scootaloo gestured up at the, now enraged, figure on the balcony. "Hey, quit fooling around and start talking good!"

"That'th it! You guys thuck! Thcrew you and your thtupid rebellion!" Twist threw her forehooves up in frustration. "Jutht out them! Out them both!"

"Wuh oh…" Apple Bloom shifted lower in her stance.

"Yeah," Scootaloo's wings twitched. "I understood that last order pretty well."

Everypony moved at once. The guards all threw their snowballs at the same time that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo dove in opposite directions. The spot they'd occupied a moment prior was reduced to a mound of snow, but they were already springing into action.

Scootaloo quickly scooped up a pair of snowballs and let them fly. The first one was dodged, just barely, but the second one smashed a pegasus filly in the face, laying her out instantly. The guards retaliated with their own snowballs, and Scootaloo dive-rolled behind a gingerbread desk for cover.

Apple Bloom, meanwhile, was engaged in combat with a single guard colt. He was putting up more of a fight than anticipated, and the snowballs being exchanged on the other side of the room faded into the background as Apple Bloom focused on keeping her footing.

She ducked a swipe and lunged with a quick jab of her own. The colt blocked her strike and smoothly transitioned into a roundhouse kick directed at her head. Apple Bloom hopped backwards, and soon found her back pressed against a large gingerbread wardrobe. The colt didn't let up the pressure and kept hammering her with strikes. Apple Bloom blocked and parried, but when she saw him winding up for a haymaker punch, she quickly juked to the side. His forehoof passed within inches of Apple Bloom's skull, only to smash straight through the wardrobe door in a cloud of gingerbread fragments.

Apple Bloom took advantage of the guard's momentary entrapment and managed to land several body blows before he tore his foreleg free, taking half the door with it. The guard swung again, but he was tired and threw himself off balance. Apple Bloom parried his strike and quickly kicked low with her hind hoof. The blow tripped the guard up and he sprawled onto his face on the icy floor.

In the split second it took the guard to get up, Apple Bloom reached into the cabinet for something, anything she could use to end the fight. When the guard rose to face her, she was holding a candy cane the size of a baseball bat.

"Chew on this."

Smack!

The guard spun a full 360 from the impact before collapsing in a tangle on the floor. Apple Bloom dropped the candy cane with an echoing clatter and looked to see how her friend was doing.

Only three guards remained, and one of them was being used as an equine shield by Scootaloo. The other two guards were shifting around, trying to find an opening, but Scootaloo wasn't about to give them the opportunity. Without warning, she pushed the guard she was holding forward. Before he could regain his footing, Scootaloo spun and bucked him hard towards his allies. All three went down in a sprawling pony pile, and Scootaloo wasted no time in finishing them off with three rapid snowballs.

Apple Bloom trotted over to her friend. "You alright?"

"Yeah," Scootaloo replied. "You? Looked like a bit of a nasty fight you had going there."

Apple Bloom rubbed her forelegs where they ached a bit from blocking so many hits, but then she smirked. "Yeah, well, you should see the other guy."

The two friends chuckled, but were soon interrupted by slow clapping. Twist emerged from a door on the other side of the room, clapping her forehooves together slowly, mockingly.

"Motht imprethive…" She said darkly. "It almotht maketh me thad I thtill have to dethtroy you mythef."

Scootaloo glared. "I do not know what you just said… but I'm gonna make you regret it!"

"Thtop failing to underthtand me!" Twist whipped out dual snowballs and seethed through a fiery glare.

"Whoa! She's packin' heat!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

Apple Bloom blinked. "…what?"

"Just out her already. I'm bored with this one."

"Alright." Apple Bloom picked up a snowball and flung it at Twist. To both Crusaders' surprise, Twist threw her own snowball in response, and actually hit Apple Bloom's projectile out of the air.

The room was silent for several moments.

"That… was… awesome!" Scootaloo grinned widely. "Do it again!"

"Ahah!" Twist shouted. "You've underethtimated my proweth! My thkills are—"

Apple Bloom threw another snowball. Twist flinched, but quickly recovered and intercepted the second snowball as easily as she had the first.

"Thee!? I am thupreme!" Twist held up both hooves in celebration.

Both hooves that were completely without snowballs.

Apple Bloom threw another snowball.

"Gah!" Twist took the snowball in the chest and fell over backwards. Her legs twitched in the air like those of a dying spider, and then went still.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom gazed sadly at the pony that they once called friend.

"I'm sure she only wanted what was right and good," Scootaloo said sadly. "But in the end… her heart was… twisted."

"That was terrible."

"I'm sorry."

Comments

[Csquared08]

"But in the end… her heart was… twisted."

Zap, why

[FloydienSlip]

Goddammit.

[JenexiBolt]

Ice to meet you. Hahaha that is so punny!

[Starburst Gleam]

Scootaloo is queen of the puns.

[Phazon]

You see, Apple Bloom? This is what happens when you don't hang out or even talk to your oldest friend for four seasons. You understood her speech just fine back in season one.

[AppleTank]

gamona-images.de/584565/79e79a141c753cbc64193c132037a5b6.jpg

[Butterwings]

Apple Bloom dropped the candy cane with an echoing clatter and

ON SNOW? IT CLATTERED ON SNOW?!

[statoose]

Apple Bloom hesitated. As much as she didn't want to become an accessory to murder, she'd always been told friendship was more important than anything else.

This is the most amazing line I've read in a long time. It's funny; I read over it once, then sort of went back and read it again to completely take in its glorious absurdity, and how oddly in-character it is for Apple Bloom as a Cutie Mark Crusader.

[Almost]

So do you need anything?"
Apple Bloom stared back for several seconds. "Oh! Oh, yes. Yes I do." She smiled crookedly. "I, uh, I saw something suspicious over there… around that corner. If'n you'll just follow me, I can take y'all to, uh, investigate it or whatever."
The guards stared back in silence.
"This seems like the single most legitimate thing I have ever heard. Lead the way!"

I'm dead XD

[Godiswithus3]

The snapping of the neck had me worried for a bit.

And too bad, the CMC would have benefited from Twist's help.