• Member Since 28th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen 20 hours ago

Thunderbolt Sentinel


We are all unique individuals, of our own merits, flaws, and beliefs. Together, we create the future.

T

All Twilight wanted to do was run a game of D&D with her close friends, but Discord had other plans. Plans that will make a true adventure out of a usually casual game.

Cover art by: Stellar Bubbles

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 108 )

A good start so far. Grammatically, nothing really stood out to me, though I did notice one error.

I should be out training! The next Wonderbolt try-outs are in two weeks!

Tryouts is one word in this instance.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to add some more description. Try not to add too much, but a little, such as what the town looks like for example, help readers like myself visualize the setting and description can also show things about the world or the characters. Anyway, for a first story, you're doing quite well so far. You've definitely got the potential to become a great writer, so I'm eager to see how your skills develop. :twilightsmile:

5418727 Thank you! I'll get on fixing tryouts, and the town is the center point of the next chapter so far, so there will be more on that. I wanted to add to the description, but nothing came to mind at the time, I'll update that soon. Thank you for the support and thank you for helping!:pinkiehappy:

5418748 You're welcome. Best of luck with the next chapters. :pinkiesmile:

I very liked this story so far, I am wondering how are the changings going to be part of the story.

Well, I'm always happy to see more fics about tabletop gaming appear, so I couldn't resist having a look at this one.

I want to leave some feedback, but it's really too early for me to point out any particular strengths. The best I can do for now is point out a few ways future chapters and revisions can be improved.

First, there's not enough narration. Almost all of the chapter is dialogue, and most of the remainder is about simple actions. This doesn't give readers enough to visualize, so the characters mostly exist as talking heads instead of full characters, and the setting isn't realized at all. It's also a little difficult at times to determine who's speaking, but that will probably be fixed with the addition of more narration.

In mechanical terms, there are a lot of missing commas and few misused ones. At points, they make the story unnecessarily difficult to read, so I'd suggest doing a little independent reading on proper comma usage.

I'm not sure, based on this chapter, that the Comedy tag is appropriate. That's meant to be used on stories with a constant emphasis on humor, and I'm not detecting that.

I'm holding off on giving it a rating for now, but I'm interested to see what direction this story will take, so I'll track it for a while. Best of luck with future updates/revisions!

Ironic they play D & D and you left out Spike.

Shame on you...:pinkiegasp::flutterrage::ajsleepy::rainbowhuh::twilightoops::raritystarry::moustache:

5418871 Thank you very much, your feed back is very much appreciated! I figured I may have misused some commas, as they never have been my strong point. I'll work on describing more in the future, and as for the comedy tag, I'll probably remove it soon if my style doesn't change. I planned on it being funnier, but it didn't work out. Thank you for your support!:pinkiesmile:

5418902 Next chapter he'll make his entrance if all goes to plan. Don't you worry.:pinkiesmile:

I love the story so far, very strong start.

But have to ask is when and how will Spike be in this story, :moustache:
I'm a Spike fan, And I hope he has a actual class,
and has more of a part then Non playable character or companion.
And I'm hoping you use the real Spike not some Discord simulation.

5418939 Don't you worry he'll be there soon. Spike knows when he's needed.:moustache:

5418942 Thank You! Looking forward to your next chapter, even more now.
And just in case you do not update in time Merry Christmas.

now where friends again

\

we're not where :3 also this has a lot of promise! I'll be keeping an eye on this!

I do believe this story does of some promise of becoming great. I've spotted some already pointed out errors, but they are easily fixed. Definitely add some details into the setting and background location. Even adding details to the characters we already know help picture things better. Like for example adding when Discord pops in. It would be better to say how he got there or if he popped in and maybe scared them. Define facial expressions when appropriate and if you have trouble with details ask for assistance or try looking at pictures to create a setting. I can't wait to see how this turns out. Looking forward to the next chapter.

“Now, now Twilight, I'm disappointed. I can't want to play a game with my friends?”

Sin counter: *ding!* If Spike can't, why the dickens would you, Discord? I'm sure the dragon'll show up later, but that doesn't change this being a fun group activity that all six of his only close friends decided to partake in without him. They even dragged poor Dash into it despite her reluctance!

Not bad, it would be funny if discord asked 'friends' as each villian they fight xd ofc sombra will be only horn

but yeah im hopping changelings gonna be something more than exp mobs :p

5418748 D&D crossover... yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss YEEEEEEEEEESSS YEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!! Also who are the "other" ponies. I imagine they don't exactly like the mane 6.

It is very funny, much better then most d and d crossovers. One spelling error, (until her friends were ready to play) but other then that, I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. Good story

d&d meeds mlp, I like

Fun fact, during the Third Edition days of Dungeons & Dragons, the official website would release 'official previews' of content on April Fools as a tradition of hilarity. One of my most favored of such bouts of hilarity was the D&D 'My Little Pony' expansion. Long before FIM was a glimmer in someone's eye of course.

And now, ONWARD FINE AUTHOR! BRING FORTH THE ADVENTURE IN THE OTHERWISE DROLL LIFE OF MARES IN PONYVILLE! I'm gonna get some popcorn.

MUSTACHE! :moustache:

A good start. As 5418871 points out, you could do with a whole lot more description, fleshing out, etc. For instance, Discord shows up. How does he show up? Does he leap out of the Monster Manual's pages, does he stick his head out of a soda can, or what? Without any description he's just... there, and that's a wasted opportunity. Describe things! It can only help.

I also hope we'll see more of how they express their characters to accentuate how they play the game. The idea that AJ is an accomplished gamer and apparently a sensible 'roleplayer'-type who believes that you can play even a fighter as an interesting character is very intriguing but makes sense. (Simple, honest yet worthwhile.) Whereas Rarity claims a weird and flavorful class (who's not nearly as overpowered as it seems. Not by far as OP as the Cleric... which Twilight plays. This will be interesting...)

I shall keep an eye on this. Of you need an extra pony as a random character that joins the group. Let me know. I got a perfect one. Just pm me iff interested.

I like it, but it needs more fluttershy if anything. There was so little fluttershy you made her cry, look.
:fluttercry:

5421862 the next chapters will have more of each character. At some point i plan on a chapter for each one,:moustache:

Nice. This story has an interesting premise, and the thought of all the ponies playing a game like this sounds fun. Having more description for the characters, and what is going on would be welcome and help to flesh it out more here. Another thing I would suggest, though, is to be careful when doing dialogue in a situation where there are multiple characters.

For instance in the part where Discord appears on the page, I'm assuming it was Twilight who said: "Oh hey Discord, what do you want?”

But it's not clear if this is Twilight responding, and it seems like something Rainbow Dash might also say. If the characters also still feel a bit wary of Discord in this case, you might also want to make it clear this is so from Twilight's initial reaction and more description.

Overall, though, this is neat. I can't wait to see where this goes! ^_^

5438390 Thank you for your feed back:twilightsmile:. The next chapter should be up later today or tomorrow. I've worked on describing more to help people get the image of what happens and who says what. Your feedback is appreciated.:pinkiehappy:

5438400 Wonderful! I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Hm, a Dungeons and Dragons parody? This'll be interesting.

From the first section of this story, I can conclude that this story is indeed, pretty cool. The characterization is solid and it provides a lot of entertainment. However, there are a few grammar mistakes here and there. For example, you seem to be mixing up the words where and were in this story. There's also some other mistakes as well.

"We'd of been half an hour ago if somepony would of played something out of a Player's Handbook.”

You can either replace that of with have, or you could've changed that word and made it a contraction. (Would've).

On another note, after each line of dialogue you type, you need to write who said it. (Ex: X said.)

Ignoring all of those tedious errors, I am actually looking forward to how this story goes. Even though I've never played Dungeons & Dragons myself, I am fully aware of the whole "Imaginary Fantasy Adventure" aspect. So, keep writing. :twilightsmile:

5450319 Yeah sorry about those:twilightsheepish:. Don't worry I've been working hard to make chapter two much better, and hopefully with fewer errors. Thanks for the watch:twilightsmile:! the next chapter should be here tomorrow!:rainbowdetermined2:

5450499 You're welcome! :pinkiehappy: Also, I already can't wait for the next chapter... I'm that excited!

Not bad, but I'd recommend breaking up some of the paragraphs, as the first paragraph, for example, is quite large and could easily be broken up into smaller sections. With the first paragraph, for example, each character description, role, etc. would get its own paragraph. By spacing things out, it makes the story easier to read and understand.

Other than that, you're on the right track when it comes to other things and the plot is interesting so far, so I'll continue tracking its progress to see where it goes. :twilightsmile:

Awww... Dash is passing up her chance to reroll as a dragon?


For shame. SHAME!

5468798 I'll keep that in mind, thank you!:twilightsmile:

5468818 You're welcome! :pinkiesmile:

5468822 OOOH SNAP PLOT TWIST!!!

5469357 Dang homeboy! Oh I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!!! Queen Chrysalis and Trixie SAME VOICE ACTRESS!!!

5469427 sorry if I wasn't clear, the guard changling announced her, she didn't introduce herself.:twilightsheepish:

5469514 No I mean if you notice they have the same voice actress. I thought you used that when Pinkie Pie betted it wasn't her.

5469630 I actually didn't know th- I mean of course I knew that. I'm just that clever.:pinkiehappy:

I hope Spike ends up with the Wizard class or Sorcerer. They need a dedicated arcane caster, and I always loved stories where Spike can do magic.

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