• Member Since 13th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 10th, 2018

Lyi


Cheer up! Cheerio! Cheerilee!

E
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"A princess never dreams - they only have prophetic visions."
What if the Princess of Dreams cannot control her own dreams?
What if her dreams are a little more than a dream?
And what if her dream was a nightmare - of herself?
What if her sister also dreamt the same dream?
These are the dreams of Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, and more than one pony wishes it to be nothing more than a simple dream.
And where did the Princess's mother go?
Where is the Queen?


Cover art by the extremely talented Onyx Penstroke. Her DeviantArt can be found here.

Feel free to add this story to any group you see fit~

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 22 )
Lyi

Should I leave it as a one-shot or make a sequel?

5436255 That's up to you really, I don't see anything to contribute with a sequel.

Why I decided it would be a good idea to read a marathon of 'sad' 'tragedy' fics is beyond me... :fluttercry:
Praise the sun, hail the moon, and may Celestia and Luna guide you to a brighter future o7 :fluttershbad:
I'm reading myself into oblivion with all these depressingly sad fics...

So many people on the internet underrate good grammar and spelling, but clearly not you. Although your story is perhaps a bit tell-y. An excellent start to writing, though!

Lyi

>>HartLord
Thank you, I take grammar very seriously for my stories. Sorry if it was a bit tell-y: I am trying to learn how to use descriptive writing, and this is a first trial.

Not that this isn't a good story. It's just that the sentences after they speak annoys me.

EX:

Dark smoke rising from the earth.

It would sound a lot better (to me that is. If other people it the way it is, you don't have to change it.) If instead:

Dark smoke arose from the earth, encompassing Luna.

But that's just me.

On an unrelated note: I was about to brake my shotgun if the mother killed either of them.

Lyi

5930212
Thank you sooo much! I was looking for a bit of criticism, and I'm happy to change it so that it rounds up the story more nicely. Anything else "out of place" you noticed?
And yes, it got a little intensive with the mother.

Maybe just use a Dino-thesaurus XD and you can come up with some more advanced words.

I'm interested in this…

C

Dream, Dream Princess has quite an exciting premise; of how young Princess Luna was wracked by prophetic dreams that show her glimpses of her terrible fate - far before, it seems, than the major even happened.

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS JUST MY OPINION

However, I personally find the execution to be less than exemplary, partly because of some issues I have personally regarding the world-building (mainly, there being a Queen), but more so because you have a strange (not necessarily bad - I just found it a little... jarring) format, your characters behave a little irrationally (they are both meant to be 'young', but they seem to understand things a little too quickly:

- Luna doesn't think to consult either her sister or mother
- Celestia also jumps to conclusions, and somehow knows the name of Nightmare Moon as well
- And most importantly, their mother makes NO MOVE to correct anything, instead (appearing to) escape the situation (I hesitate to say 'suicide', but that is what I got from it - in which case, I think that is a rather drastic move - especially for someone who would be a cool headed and intelligent leader as to be 'Queen'; not someone to throw away their lives easily).

Upon some further reading, I realise that your story is told from two perspectives - one of the "present", where Nightmare Moon is confronting Celestia, and three "past" perspectives from the point of view of three characters. I actually like this - it is different to things I've seen before.

Here are some other issues I've noticed:

Tone issues:

1. Opening Scene

"Come on, Lulu. If you're mad at me because I ate your cookie - please - don't be. I was very hungry, and somepony ate all of my cake."

That is from Celestia - who is rule of Equestria in the "present" perspective I understood above^. Maybe because this is a private situation, you might argue that nicknames and inconsequential details like the 'cake' thing is warranted. However, with how Luna is behaving, I would have thought that Celestia would have been serious too; she seemed like a perceptive character to me - would she react like that, knowing that

Dark smoke rose from the earth, encompassing "Luna".

? These incidents are not isolated btw - many examples are present; I just chose this one. Also, please don't use the quotation marks around "Luna" in the second sentence - this is such an obvious indicator that something is up; be more subtle, perhaps with her voice sounding strange (and describe how it is strange if you do this - don't just say "with a strange voice")

2. Luna Scene:

Princess stayed awake and away from her odd dreams...for about five minutes. After that, she promptly passed out, snoring the night away.

Do you want a comedy, or a dramatic story? A mixture can work, but not in such a short story. You should be more consistent.

Setting
You need to set the scene in the original scene - I have no idea where it happens, nor what happens exactly (right now I imagine the two alicorns facing each other in a church room (that was supplied by my imagination, because you didn't specify anything) with an altar (why was there an altar again? Does it have significance to the room?). Luna then hurls lasers at Celestia. Celestia stands completely still, dodging some and then getting hit by some, and using a shield spell. Then she uses the Elements. Meanwhile, nothing was broken, no one bled, no one came to see what the commotion was about... you see the issue?).

I have this feeling that this was not at a church, but you should be specifying that in your story.

Moving on, during Luna's "past" scene, where she woke up from the nightmare:

she managed to flicker the light on

Two things:
-> "flicker" should be "flick"; 'flicker' refers to how lights switch off and on when there is a loose connection or something, and 'flick' refers to the action of flipping a switch on.
-> Electricity in Equestria?! Please explain! This is a major issue, as Electricity was not shown to have a major presence in most areas. I would think that it was most certainly NOT present 1000 years ago.

Your characters move really fast. There is little transition between scenes (often scenes change with a sentence in the same paragraph) and this is very jarring in some cases, while just losing their effect in others. Flesh out your setting - are they in a Castle? Where in the Castle? Are there guards? Attendants?

Characters
You didn't describe the characters well in the opening scene. Perhaps you reasoned that since we have all watched the show (and google images is just a click away if we wanted to refresh something), description is not warranted. Whatever your reasoning, please always describe your characters. It gives the story so much more depth than bare dialogue.

The Queen is the biggest complaint I have. Putting aside subjective things like the issue of there being a Queen, I think that your character seems a bit too irrational to be ruler. She tries to kill her own kids - come on man.

Also, as their mother, she should be trying to help them, not just leaving them to their own devices (and therefore hurting not only them, but the entire country).

Dialogue
This was a bit weak. It just didn't have any excitement for me. I can't really say there was anything specifically wrong (except Luna's monologue around the middle area - it was too long. Break it up by describing the characters, the fight or ANYTHING, rather than just speaking), but it was not interesting.


TL;DR
Your story has a nice premise, but you might want to brush up on this.

Lyi

5930745

5930763
This is my first story, so I didn't expect it to be perfect. I may or may not make your correction, simply because this story was more like a first-trial experience. I agree that this is not my best story (considering I have a few more in writing process). I will definitely use your critique for my future stories to make it better! Thank you... (Also, did you check out Sandstorm(s)? That is probably my better story. I am also looking for some comment other than "Darude".). Thanks again for commenting!
Edit: I tried to change a few things, but I couldn't find a way to get some sense into the Queen. Oh well: This is my first story.

5932491

I applaud you for taking my criticisms with grace, and I am glad that you genuinely tried. I am still an inexperienced critic so perhaps I was a bit harsh - I must improve as well. I did check out your other story, but I preferred this one because of subjective reasons, so I didn't feel like I was qualified to critique that one.

Good effort for first story mate :)

Have a great day!

Few more changes for you. :moustache:

A step towards the altar.

She took a step towards the altar.

Another step towards the altar.

She proceeded towards the altar.

A blast at the altar.

Luna's horn ignited, blasting a spell at the altar.

An eclipse of the moon over the sun, forever!

The moon rose to eclipse the sun for all eternity.(or "!" your choice)

A cautious step towards Luna.

Celestia took a cautious step towards Luna.

A dodge from Luna's blast.
A shield spell to block her blow.
A jump to avoid her magic.

Celestia dove to the side to avoid Luna's spell. She got to her hooves and ignited her horn, swiftly deflecting another of Luna's spells. Celestia again dove to side, narrowly escaping another of Luna's spells.

A flap of wings to follow Luna.
A chase to find her.

Celestia outstretched her wings and rose into the air in pursuit of Luna, but Luna would not make the chase so easy.

A laser beam shot out from Nightmare Moon's horn and hit Celestia's leg.

Nightmare Moon ignited her horn and Celestia collapsed to the ground as the spell shot shot forth and struck her leg.

Both Princesses took flight, carrying their battle into the air.

Celestia followed as Nightmare Moon launched into the air, continuing the battle in the skies above.

Dark magic brewing from Nightmare Moon's horn.

A glow of dark magic emanated from Nightmare Moon's horn as she charged a spell.

Magic from Celestia's horn opening the jewelry chest.

Celestia's horn illuminated with a golden glow as her magic extended to the elements. (The chest came in when Discord escaped.)

Lyi

5932704
Always willing to take criticism with a happy face. I genuinely like people telling me what's wrong so that I can fix it or use their advice in the future. I, myself, am a critic/editor/poet ; but am an amateur author. Thanks again!


5932826
As an explanation: I wrote the sentences that you critiqued in a minimalist way as a test-trial at the new style. It was kind of supposed to be short, concise, and not really smooth. However, after reading the parts again, I also realized that I'm not very good at writing like that. I'll take your advice and choose a smoother style next time. :twilightsheepish: Thank you for taking the time to look at my story.

5932901
I just read Dihydrogen Oxide's Comment. In short - just change altar to throne instead. That's all I have to say.

...And you're welcome.:twilightsmile:

Lyi

5933037
Okay...(like I said) I am always willing to take advice. Thank you (again, it's a habit).

So what happened to Celestia and Luna's mother did she kill herself or did she simply vanished In thin air bound to never return to her children? :fluttercry:

Lyi

6387356
That's the part getting re-written. Yeah, I realized that I left the readers on the abstract edge with no bridge on that one.

6389120 OK just tell me when you improved that part. I can't wait to know what might happen next:pinkiehappy:

"A princess never dreams - they only have prophetic visions."

Is this a quote from the show, from another fanfic, or did you just make it up?

6389988 Is the picture from your avatar from the show?

Lyi

7008871
I made it up :).

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