My Dreams, Your Death
"Step back, Celestia. Your light is no longer worthy of my darkness!"
Dark smoke rose from the earth, encompassing Luna.
"Come on, Lulu, what's gotten into you.?"
"I have lived in your light for too long, Celestia!"
A step towards the throne.
"Lulu? What are you talking about? What are you doing, Luna?"
"Luna? Ha! She is long gone! Dissolved under your shadow and dissipated under your Sun."
Another step towards the throne.
"Luna, if this is another prank, it isn't funny. Stop this right now!"
"Stop this right now! Stop this right now! Ha! See what I mean, Celestia - when did I get a say in anything?"
A blast at the throne.
"Luna? Are you alright? I said: This isn't funny!"
"I told you that this Luna is gone! Your wretched rule will end now and forever!"
An eclipse of the moon over the sun, forever!
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Filly Princess Luna of the Moon, Ruler of the Night, Protector of the Stars, and Co-Heir to Equestria instantly woke from her slumber. Gasping, she reached for her nightlight with her royal hoof. As soon as she managed to light her horn, she stared at the makeshift stars on her mobile. It was just a dream, just a dream. She shivered, despite being covered by two blankets, and closed her eyes once more. I am the Princess of Dreams, I can control this, this - nightmare! But, as soon as she closed her eyes, a strange feeling of unsettlement so strong it was more like unease washed over her. Was the monster in her dream really her future? Is this who she is to become? Luna shivered once more, this time because of the dull thud of painful realization in her stomach. Taking out her bedside supply of lavender cookies, she made a quiet vow to stay awake for the rest of the night. If you can't sleep it, you can't dream it. Unfortunately, the Dream Princess found herself much more sleep that she had wished, and promptly passed out; snoring the night away.
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"Now, Celestia, watch me make your precious Sun never rise again!"
"Luna, stop this - leave the Sun alone"
A cautious step towards Luna.
"Wait a moment, who wouldn't love a little torture before the execution?"
"Ah! Ow! I'll never fight you, sister. You and I are equal, don't you know that?"
A dodge from Luna's blast.
A shield spell to block her blow.
A jump to avoid her magic.
"Equal? Equal! If your rule, your supposed co-rule with me, was supposed to be equal, perhaps you might have gained a chance to save Luna!"
"Wait! Come back! What have you done to my sister? Leave her alone!"
A flap of wings to follow Luna.
A chase to find her.
"Oh, Celestia: I was Luna, but now, I am Nightmare Moon!"
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Filly Princess Celestia of the Sun, Guardian of Daylight, Protector of Planets, and Co-Heir to Equestria was frightened awake from her dream. As she flickered on the bedroom light with her magic, she performed a quick spell that dissolved dreams. She was afraid. Afraid because she was smart. Smart enough to know that princesses rarely dreamt. She was afraid that this prophetic vision would come true. Walking down the long hallways to her sister's room, she readied her horn to channel magic in case the monster from her dream appeared. However, as soon as she reached her Luna's room, an odd but frightening thought halted her. What if the creature in Luna's room was the monster? The creature, with its slit pupils, midnight black coat, sparkling fangs, and ghastly mane. Full of fear, she crept away from her sister's room and into her sanctuary: the Royal Library. Celestia spent the rest of the night there, trying to do a bit of research about Nightmare Moon. Is there any way in which she could alter the future to change this frightening fate? It was a sad thought, really, because she already knew that no magic, not even the strongest of kinds, could move the paths of life and fate. Needless to say, fear, not her love of researching, kept her awake during the long, long night.
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"Ever since I was a foal, you have always out shined me. Ponies wanted to see you at the galas, they wanted to watch you walk with mother, they wanted to enjoy your company, they wanted to play with you, not me! No pony ever listened to me, no pony ever played with me! I was the second child, the unwanted one, the useless one! No pony truly cared about me! Even though many have come to me to declare their love, not one of them truly loved me. I have been alone in this isolation for far too long. Everywhere I turned, ponies called out ‘Celestia!’, not ‘Luna!’. Everywhere I went with you, they bowed to you, not to me."
A laser beam shooting out from Nightmare Moon's horn, hitting Celestia's leg.
"They showered praise and gifts over you, not me. I was ignored and neglected! You were the shining one, you were the bright one, and you were the spotlight of every event. No pony wanted the Queen of Darkness, not one! No pony wanted to see my beautiful stars or watch my beautiful night. They relished your day and your precious Sun and slept throughout my immaculate night."
Both Princesses taking flight, carrying their battle into the air.
"You see, Celestia, this is not just about me - this is about neglecting both me and my night! They adore your Sun and give thanks to its life giving rays, yet no pony bows and adores my Moon. This time, I can finally get the light to shine in. Your turn is long overdue, Celestia! The Moon shall rise and never again pave way for your Sun. The Stars will not move for you. All shall worship my power, and you will be forgotten as I was. No pony will remember your daylight, no pony will remember your Sun. All they shall see is my Moon and my Stars. The night shall last forever!"
Dark magic brewing from Nightmare Moon's horn.
"Then you give me no choice but to use these."
Magic from Celestia's horn opening the jewelry chest.
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Queen Galaxia, the Ruler of Equestria, Empress of Time, Guardian of the Planets and Stars, Overseer of Day and Night, Controller of Dreams, and mother to both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sadly watched her children’s dreams unfold. A single tear streaked down her cheek as she swallowed the truth. The young and beautiful Luna would become this monstrosity. And her elder child will be forced to fight her sister. Such a miserable fate to become of them! As she watched more of the scenes in their dreams unfold, another wave of tears washed down her. She knew that this was wrong: spying on other pony’s private dreams. But she had been so curious about what her fillies were dreaming of. Now, she wished that she hadn’t violated the rules. The only thoughts that were in her head were full of misery, sadness, and despair for her children.
As she walked away from the dreams and slowly woke up, she came up with a sick idea. What if she killed her children first to let them avoid such fates? She walked quietly towards the library, aiming her horn towards Celestia and summoning up her magic. She walked closer towards the white filly, only to realize that she couldn’t kill her. Celestia was too innocent, too kind, and too gentle. She had done no harm yet to deserve such a miserable fate. The Queen watched her child’s soft breathing, the pages of a book flipping softly. She bowed her royal head and left. She couldn’t place harm upon an innocent being, no matter how not innocent their futures might be.
Knowing that she couldn’t bring herself to relieve Celestia from her miserable future, she also knew that she wouldn’t be able to kill Luna. Luna was still young and pure. Still, the Queen trotted towards her younger child, a miserable pain in her conscience. The knowledge that her children would endanger her whole kingdom was too much for her. The knowledge that she couldn’t alter this fate for her fillies killed her. No matter what she could try to do or what she did, Luna would still become Nightmare Moon, and Celestia would still need to fight her sister. Fate could not be altered. Staring through the door at her small filly, Luna, she knew what she had to do. She couldn’t live with this knowledge in her head. She couldn’t bring herself to tell her children what she knew about their futures. Her fillies could wake up and forget the dream, but she couldn’t. And she couldn’t live knowing that it would happen and that she couldn’t change it.
The Royal Queen Galaxia peered towards the gleaming window at the end of the hallway. It was always kept open for ventilation. The Queen walked towards it, grieving for her innocent children. She had made a decision that could not be remade.
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“Where’s mom?”
“I don’t know, Luna.”
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Should I leave it as a one-shot or make a sequel?
5436255 That's up to you really, I don't see anything to contribute with a sequel.
Why I decided it would be a good idea to read a marathon of 'sad' 'tragedy' fics is beyond me...
Praise the sun, hail the moon, and may Celestia and Luna guide you to a brighter future o7
I'm reading myself into oblivion with all these depressingly sad fics...
5436255 create a sequal!!!
So many people on the internet underrate good grammar and spelling, but clearly not you. Although your story is perhaps a bit tell-y. An excellent start to writing, though!
>>HartLord
Thank you, I take grammar very seriously for my stories. Sorry if it was a bit tell-y: I am trying to learn how to use descriptive writing, and this is a first trial.
Not that this isn't a good story. It's just that the sentences after they speak annoys me.
EX:
It would sound a lot better (to me that is. If other people it the way it is, you don't have to change it.) If instead:
Dark smoke arose from the earth, encompassing Luna.
But that's just me.
On an unrelated note: I was about to brake my shotgun if the mother killed either of them.
5930212
Thank you sooo much! I was looking for a bit of criticism, and I'm happy to change it so that it rounds up the story more nicely. Anything else "out of place" you noticed?
And yes, it got a little intensive with the mother.
Maybe just use a Dino-thesaurus XD and you can come up with some more advanced words.
I'm interested in this…
—C
Dream, Dream Princess has quite an exciting premise; of how young Princess Luna was wracked by prophetic dreams that show her glimpses of her terrible fate - far before, it seems, than the major even happened.
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS JUST MY OPINION
However, I personally find the execution to be less than exemplary, partly because of some issues I have personally regarding the world-building (mainly, there being a Queen), but more so because you have a strange (not necessarily bad - I just found it a little... jarring) format, your characters behave a little irrationally (they are both meant to be 'young', but they seem to understand things a little too quickly:
- Luna doesn't think to consult either her sister or mother
- Celestia also jumps to conclusions, and somehow knows the name of Nightmare Moon as well
- And most importantly, their mother makes NO MOVE to correct anything, instead (appearing to) escape the situation (I hesitate to say 'suicide', but that is what I got from it - in which case, I think that is a rather drastic move - especially for someone who would be a cool headed and intelligent leader as to be 'Queen'; not someone to throw away their lives easily).
Upon some further reading, I realise that your story is told from two perspectives - one of the "present", where Nightmare Moon is confronting Celestia, and three "past" perspectives from the point of view of three characters. I actually like this - it is different to things I've seen before.
Here are some other issues I've noticed:
Tone issues:
1. Opening Scene
That is from Celestia - who is rule of Equestria in the "present" perspective I understood above^. Maybe because this is a private situation, you might argue that nicknames and inconsequential details like the 'cake' thing is warranted. However, with how Luna is behaving, I would have thought that Celestia would have been serious too; she seemed like a perceptive character to me - would she react like that, knowing that
? These incidents are not isolated btw - many examples are present; I just chose this one. Also, please don't use the quotation marks around "Luna" in the second sentence - this is such an obvious indicator that something is up; be more subtle, perhaps with her voice sounding strange (and describe how it is strange if you do this - don't just say "with a strange voice")
2. Luna Scene:
Do you want a comedy, or a dramatic story? A mixture can work, but not in such a short story. You should be more consistent.
Setting
You need to set the scene in the original scene - I have no idea where it happens, nor what happens exactly (right now I imagine the two alicorns facing each other in a church room (that was supplied by my imagination, because you didn't specify anything) with an altar (why was there an altar again? Does it have significance to the room?). Luna then hurls lasers at Celestia. Celestia stands completely still, dodging some and then getting hit by some, and using a shield spell. Then she uses the Elements. Meanwhile, nothing was broken, no one bled, no one came to see what the commotion was about... you see the issue?).
I have this feeling that this was not at a church, but you should be specifying that in your story.
Moving on, during Luna's "past" scene, where she woke up from the nightmare:
Two things:
-> "flicker" should be "flick"; 'flicker' refers to how lights switch off and on when there is a loose connection or something, and 'flick' refers to the action of flipping a switch on.
-> Electricity in Equestria?! Please explain! This is a major issue, as Electricity was not shown to have a major presence in most areas. I would think that it was most certainly NOT present 1000 years ago.
Your characters move really fast. There is little transition between scenes (often scenes change with a sentence in the same paragraph) and this is very jarring in some cases, while just losing their effect in others. Flesh out your setting - are they in a Castle? Where in the Castle? Are there guards? Attendants?
Characters
You didn't describe the characters well in the opening scene. Perhaps you reasoned that since we have all watched the show (and google images is just a click away if we wanted to refresh something), description is not warranted. Whatever your reasoning, please always describe your characters. It gives the story so much more depth than bare dialogue.
The Queen is the biggest complaint I have. Putting aside subjective things like the issue of there being a Queen, I think that your character seems a bit too irrational to be ruler. She tries to kill her own kids - come on man.
Also, as their mother, she should be trying to help them, not just leaving them to their own devices (and therefore hurting not only them, but the entire country).
Dialogue
This was a bit weak. It just didn't have any excitement for me. I can't really say there was anything specifically wrong (except Luna's monologue around the middle area - it was too long. Break it up by describing the characters, the fight or ANYTHING, rather than just speaking), but it was not interesting.
TL;DR
Your story has a nice premise, but you might want to brush up on this.
5930745
5930763
This is my first story, so I didn't expect it to be perfect. I may or may not make your correction, simply because this story was more like a first-trial experience. I agree that this is not my best story (considering I have a few more in writing process). I will definitely use your critique for my future stories to make it better! Thank you... (Also, did you check out Sandstorm(s)? That is probably my better story. I am also looking for some comment other than "Darude".). Thanks again for commenting!
Edit: I tried to change a few things, but I couldn't find a way to get some sense into the Queen. Oh well: This is my first story.
5932491
I applaud you for taking my criticisms with grace, and I am glad that you genuinely tried. I am still an inexperienced critic so perhaps I was a bit harsh - I must improve as well. I did check out your other story, but I preferred this one because of subjective reasons, so I didn't feel like I was qualified to critique that one.
Good effort for first story mate :)
Have a great day!
Few more changes for you.
She took a step towards the altar.
She proceeded towards the altar.
Luna's horn ignited, blasting a spell at the altar.
The moon rose to eclipse the sun for all eternity.(or "!" your choice)
Celestia took a cautious step towards Luna.
Celestia dove to the side to avoid Luna's spell. She got to her hooves and ignited her horn, swiftly deflecting another of Luna's spells. Celestia again dove to side, narrowly escaping another of Luna's spells.
Celestia outstretched her wings and rose into the air in pursuit of Luna, but Luna would not make the chase so easy.
Nightmare Moon ignited her horn and Celestia collapsed to the ground as the spell shot shot forth and struck her leg.
Celestia followed as Nightmare Moon launched into the air, continuing the battle in the skies above.
A glow of dark magic emanated from Nightmare Moon's horn as she charged a spell.
Celestia's horn illuminated with a golden glow as her magic extended to the elements. (The chest came in when Discord escaped.)
5932704
Always willing to take criticism with a happy face. I genuinely like people telling me what's wrong so that I can fix it or use their advice in the future. I, myself, am a critic/editor/poet ; but am an amateur author. Thanks again!
5932826
Thank you for taking the time to look at my story.
As an explanation: I wrote the sentences that you critiqued in a minimalist way as a test-trial at the new style. It was kind of supposed to be short, concise, and not really smooth. However, after reading the parts again, I also realized that I'm not very good at writing like that. I'll take your advice and choose a smoother style next time.
5932901
I just read Dihydrogen Oxide's Comment. In short - just change altar to throne instead. That's all I have to say.
...And you're welcome.
5933037
Okay...(like I said) I am always willing to take advice. Thank you (again, it's a habit).
So what happened to Celestia and Luna's mother did she kill herself or did she simply vanished In thin air bound to never return to her children?
6387356
That's the part getting re-written. Yeah, I realized that I left the readers on the abstract edge with no bridge on that one.
6389120 OK just tell me when you improved that part. I can't wait to know what might happen next