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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So! I'm liking how this has started out! It shows a lot of promise, and I want to see where this goes. The set up for it really had me feeling like it was a 1960's town, and that's not something that a lot of us Fo:E writers can get down. While there are some spelling and grammatical errors in here (You should see my work BEFORE my editor get's to it), all I think you need is an editor and this story will be primed for takeoff!
Overall, I think Slowtrot is getting primed for one hell of an adventure!
5414927 thanks, after all the English classes I took in High-school and College I sould be alt least near decent. (took two English classes in one year of High-school) I do have an adventure in mind for Slowtrot, but this one is going to be about Stable Tech R&D, so it's going to be more fun, weird, and a bit dark; a good way to get myself into the groove of writing, as well as realy set up who SlowTrot is. I've got two other character story's in mind before I try something big. I also have in mind to do a raider one shot to introduce the villein before the main story. but for now I will focuses on Slowtrot, oh how I love making characters
5414996
Characters are so much fun to think up, it is true. But, you know what's even more fun then that... is killing them.
Having more stories planned is always good. The trick is not to start them until your first one has been established. Short stories and one shots not-withstanding, it's good to get a ways through one story before actually working on the next. Still, can't wait to see more from you.
This looks like it has potential. I'll stick with it. There's literally one, just one thing that's letting it down: your spelling and grammar. Please, please, please, go back through the whole thing maybe twice or three time more, getting rid of every red-lined word, and reading the whole thing out loud word by word to make sure all the sentences make sense. You've missed capital letters, misspelt words, gotten a couple of tenses wrong... the ideas great, and your writing style's fine, it's just how you're writing it. I don't know if that makes sense, but whatever. Sorry if that sounds patronising. I don't mean it to be, spelling's something that surprisingly few people consistently get right. You gave me lots of help with my first story so I thought I should return the favour. I'm not saying get an editor, I'm saying get in the habit of sorting it out yourself as you write.
Here's a few examples before I decided writing everything I spotted would be counter-productive:
That doesn't make sense.
Could be worded better, also than not then.
Irked.
Another general comment - be really careful of clichés. Many Fo:E stories end up very similar (mine is no exception, heh). Yours could be really unique, but you have to be careful and plan ahead.
Anyway, that's all. I'm liking and favouriting this. The character's good, and the 'Luck: 9' at the bottom made my laugh. Also, I loved the formatting on the title.
PS: It's Stable-Tec
5415435 ya, nothing seas I need an editor more then being dyslexic, but thanks on that, and tec, not tech.... damn.
5416456
Oh, you're dyslexic? I'm sorry, I had no idea. Believe me, I've seen bad things written by people who should know way better. No, you need an editor. I would volunteer myself but alas, I do not have that much time. Good luck!
5416749 ya, I that's probably going to be the biggest problem for me right now. I know I have the education to do this right, but not the biology. At least the fun part is that if I have Slowtrot wright anything, I just have to not use spell check for comedy gold. But ya, an editor would help.
Until then, I'll just push the story forward, if I stop now, it will never get finished.
5417605
Hmm.
Right, how about this: I should be able to edit this through for you. I don't see this being a particularly long sidefic, so it should be all right... the thing is, I've never been an actual editor before. I'm willing to give it a try, I have a good eye for detail. You may have to consider getting someone else too, as I have exams coming up which may mean I won't have enough time to just edit at the drop of a hat. At 6000 words a chapter though I should be all right.
Also, I'm British. Dunno if that would affect anything, I'll be sure not to inflict any Britishisms on your work. It does, however, affect communication due to different time zones.
5419637 If you can edit for me that be grate, but no rush. As for you being british, there's no harm in that, and it could add a little charm to it, and it could help me if your good at injecting a bit of Scottish into a character. but for the most part I just need a bit of help cleaning up the story.
5420155
All right. I dunno how sharing access to something works, do you have to PM me a password or something?
Bah! As if! Properly made a local back up for Image or Morale to go snoop at! Never trust tech that up front say that it protect you against something, never!
So green text for PipBuck info, I like it, and it is an indicator of more PipBuck action to come!
All in all a nice first chapter, and a nice peek into pre-war Equestria, I was not the biggest fan of the Enclave comment, and really don't hope you are going the PH way of including a secret society that ran it all behind the curtains, but really nice chapter over all!
One last thing... His traits say "You gotta love public education.", but for a stallion that miscount 2 as 5... yea he needs his school money back!
Nitpicks
"I also was able to get two other jobs outside of this office...." The rare 3 spotted ellipsis... KILL IT WITH FIRE!
"so a lucky few will have a safe place to go when things turn bad." Peppy Stable-tec saying when and not if? Sure they expected it all to go to hell, but saying that to the public?
"and one reason I did not what to join up." Want
"I hoofed out a ten-bit coin, a five-bit coin, and two bits. " Nice touch, but the numbers seems too orderly, no giant amount of singles or anything else to show how few money he had, no single big coin, him asking to get his change back, nice touch, but not really adding anything.
"and boy did it smell good, and taste good" Repetitive goods are no good. I would say delete the first one, or change the second to better.
"Welcome to the Stable-Tec PiBbuck 2600 registration spell" I thought it was 2500?
"oh I am so going to the dock next moth." Tenses are weird, but I think it should be was instead
"most of the time mares just ignore me" Past tense since we are going into explaining present tense in the next sentence.
"just so not to forget it." Maybe is it my Danish brain, but I feel this is clunky and would be better as "to not"
"or even the stupid random numbers in the stupid random spots...." GAGH! A second 4 spotted ellipsis! They are multiplying!
"Uhh.. well.. sorry" Ohh I see how it is, the 4 spotted ellipses stole their extra spots from this sentence!
" Wait what? she's here to apologize?" Capital letter
"no Slowtro,t" How do you pronounce the comma in the middle of the name?
"
the story has me cooked instantly
weird thing: the first introductory text fit perfectly on my screen, don't know why that of all thing catches my attention today
dam at first i thought slow trot was a sarcastic name ore something, that poor guy got fuck'd by destiny in the plot
it feel so familiar too dangit !
I really enjoyed this chapter, it was really hard for me to put my phone down. I started reading because I was told you wrote some tropical FoE stories. I look forward to reading them.
11853332
thanks, and thankfully the spelling gets a bit better after this story.