- Member Since 25th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Dice Warwick
Dislexic tring to wright storys, makes gammer natzie eyes bleed.
Dice Warwick
Joined 25th Jun, 2014 ·
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Dice Warwick · 37k words · 86 11 · 2k views
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So! I'm liking how this has started out! It shows a lot of promise, and I want to see where this goes. The set up for it really had me feeling like it was a 1960's town, and that's not something that a lot of us Fo:E writers can get down. While there are some spelling and grammatical errors in here (You should see my work BEFORE my editor get's to it), all I think you need is an editor and this story will be primed for takeoff!
Overall, I think Slowtrot is getting primed for one hell of an adventure!
5414927 thanks, after all the English classes I took in High-school and College I sould be alt least near decent. (took two English classes in one year of High-school) I do have an adventure in mind for Slowtrot, but this one is going to be about Stable Tech R&D, so it's going to be more fun, weird, and a bit dark; a good way to get myself into the groove of writing, as well as realy set up who SlowTrot is. I've got two other character story's in mind before I try something big. I also have in mind to do a raider one shot to introduce the villein before the main story. but for now I will focuses on Slowtrot, oh how I love making characters
5414996
Characters are so much fun to think up, it is true. But, you know what's even more fun then that... is killing them.
Having more stories planned is always good. The trick is not to start them until your first one has been established. Short stories and one shots not-withstanding, it's good to get a ways through one story before actually working on the next. Still, can't wait to see more from you.
This looks like it has potential. I'll stick with it. There's literally one, just one thing that's letting it down: your spelling and grammar. Please, please, please, go back through the whole thing maybe twice or three time more, getting rid of every red-lined word, and reading the whole thing out loud word by word to make sure all the sentences make sense. You've missed capital letters, misspelt words, gotten a couple of tenses wrong... the ideas great, and your writing style's fine, it's just how you're writing it. I don't know if that makes sense, but whatever. Sorry if that sounds patronising. I don't mean it to be, spelling's something that surprisingly few people consistently get right. You gave me lots of help with my first story so I thought I should return the favour. I'm not saying get an editor, I'm saying get in the habit of sorting it out yourself as you write.
Here's a few examples before I decided writing everything I spotted would be counter-productive:
That doesn't make sense.
Could be worded better, also than not then.
Irked.
Another general comment - be really careful of clichés. Many Fo:E stories end up very similar (mine is no exception, heh). Yours could be really unique, but you have to be careful and plan ahead.
Anyway, that's all. I'm liking and favouriting this. The character's good, and the 'Luck: 9' at the bottom made my laugh. Also, I loved the formatting on the title.
PS: It's Stable-Tec
5415435 ya, nothing seas I need an editor more then being dyslexic, but thanks on that, and tec, not tech.... damn.
5416456
Oh, you're dyslexic? I'm sorry, I had no idea. Believe me, I've seen bad things written by people who should know way better. No, you need an editor. I would volunteer myself but alas, I do not have that much time. Good luck!
5416749 ya, I that's probably going to be the biggest problem for me right now. I know I have the education to do this right, but not the biology. At least the fun part is that if I have Slowtrot wright anything, I just have to not use spell check for comedy gold. But ya, an editor would help.
Until then, I'll just push the story forward, if I stop now, it will never get finished.
5417605
Hmm.
Right, how about this: I should be able to edit this through for you. I don't see this being a particularly long sidefic, so it should be all right... the thing is, I've never been an actual editor before. I'm willing to give it a try, I have a good eye for detail. You may have to consider getting someone else too, as I have exams coming up which may mean I won't have enough time to just edit at the drop of a hat. At 6000 words a chapter though I should be all right.
Also, I'm British. Dunno if that would affect anything, I'll be sure not to inflict any Britishisms on your work. It does, however, affect communication due to different time zones.
5419637 If you can edit for me that be grate, but no rush. As for you being british, there's no harm in that, and it could add a little charm to it, and it could help me if your good at injecting a bit of Scottish into a character. but for the most part I just need a bit of help cleaning up the story.
5420155
All right. I dunno how sharing access to something works, do you have to PM me a password or something?
Alright, you got me.
...continue.
Yeah, see, this is why I wait for the second version of new tech to come out.
Slowtrot seems like he's saddled with them for the time being, but I can't help but think that him being labeled as a courier is going to come into play sometime in the near future! Second chapter was good, can't wait for a third!
5429561 that's the idea, I was going to use something other then courier, but it just fit in what I want to do with the character down the road. But thinks, I was worried that this chapter was going to be too much of an info dump, I'm just glad I caught a bunch of inconsistencies and added more character to the characters before saying I was fully per-editor finished. I literally went back and redid what I put down for most of the character, something I'm going to try to avoid in Ch 3.
This is awesome. That Pink Eyes reference...
Anyway, I'm just loving this. It looks like the story's gonna be a little more light-hearted than most other Fo:E sidefics, which is something I always like. I'll get editing this at some point. A quick note, though: I did change a 2500 to 2600 in the edited version of chapter 1, thinking it was a typo, and the title in the chapter list still says 'capter'. You should go back and amend that.
All right. This has actually inspired me to stop procrastinating and go back to editing Skyward. There's a lot I need to do before I can get the story back on track.
5430475 actually the announcer dose call it a 2500 when it was a 2600, the 2600 was never meant for the open market. I have plans to explain this later in the story, as well as reference to other pipbucks, which sould be easy now that Slowtrot is working with the Pipbuck R&D lab.
but thinks, I'll get on that corrections.
The idea of Fallout's 'grab and hold' system being a levitation system is pretty genius. I know Pink Eyes had the levitation assist, but you have no idea how many NPC's I've hit with bottles and the like while holding them and turning around.
So far so good for Slowtrot, but I feel that tomorrow's program removal probably won't go as well as they hope it will.
well the basic idea came from having the V.I. from the suit in Pink Eyes, it can hold items, so natruly that can be added to the Pipbuck with the same V.I. Bonking Emerald was just a natural evolution of the idea. as for what happens in the next check up, you will see, his luck dose not mean things are more likely to go his way, just that things are more likely to happen.
Party Detected. Adding to reading queue.
Was listening to this chapter via text to speak in the car on the ride to work. Got a little uncomfortable (in a good way) after Candy Pop got going as I got cost to my destination. Chems or not, I'd pop dat. She seems very much my type of character.
Will finish listening on the way back.
Fun fic.
5454034 good to hear you like it, Candy Pop ended up more fun to wright then I though she was going to be, having her be the one to give Slowtrot a hard time. I also find it funny that you had it on text to speak in your car, good thing I don't do clop fic's.
This looks a little awkward. I'm not ENTIRELY sure but I think it would probably still be better to end the sentence at the comma, put the quote on a new paragraph with a capital letter, then continue with the exposition.
Also, this is the part where I flush my first-impression of Pop down the drain. The name and initial behavior seems like a character I'd click with, but most of what she does in this chapter takes solid steps away from my mental imagery. Though rambling about diseases and whatever other stuff one's used to dealing with does sound a bit like what I'd normally do.
Anyway, this fic's entertaining me and I look forward to future updates. : )
RETLCESSMENT DISCLAIMER: Retl is not a strong representative of the average Fallout: Equestria audience and as a result feedback should be taken with a grain of salt.
Things I like:
* The setting puts it at a time and place where violence isn't the standard.
* It's a little silly. It hasn't made me laugh yet, but eventually it probably will.
* Mane Six style archetypes are represented in some of these characters, probably by design with their ties to the Ministries.
* It's about technology and computers and stuff. I like those.
* There are MoM ponies in it and parties and confetti. YAY!
* Butts
Things I don't like so much:
* Protagonist is kinda whiny. Which I suppose is appropriate given his confusion and lack of knowledge with which to cope with the things around him, but eh. At least he's kinda relatable.
* I know there were some other things, but I forgot between the time I heard it in Text to Speech today and the time I got back home from work. So it must not have been that bad.
5455873 I see what your saying, I'll se what I can do to clean that um.
As for Candy Pop, I wanted her to be the character that would full force mess with Slowtrot, your opinion of her might improve when she comes back, or not, making characters can be a midfield.
Also, on Slowtrot being kinda whiny, this is true, but this is more to do with his lack of agency, in the story. I'll try to make him less annoying as the story goes on, he just needs to start taking more action on his own.
Finally got around to this. Like I say, I was away and I've come back knackered. I still like this story a lot, and will edit the last chapters ASAP. I'm not too sure about all the characters, it's a bit of an overload for me and I'm not sure all of them will be important. For now, however, I can see why they're there - this is Stable-Tec, they have lots of ponies.
I loved the Pink Eyes reference. I also noticed how June says 'the M.O.M'. This is interestign for me because it shows that there's a discrepancy among how ponies use the term. Some say 'the M.O.M', which is technically correct, wheras others omit the 'the'. It's good, because it shows June has a little more intellect than the regular pony. Also, I'm still not sure what acronym for Ministry of Morale is correct. This link would indicate just 'MoM', which is what I use in my fic. Should I change that when I edit or do you want to keep it how it is?
http://falloutequestria.wikia.com/wiki/Ministries
OIA? Now I'm just plain confused. It's PH all over again! DAMN YOU, PH!
Heh, I like PH.
Careful not to delve too deep, though. When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes back at you.
Ahem. Anyway, everything seems in order. I'd gladly reference this fic in my own story, if it weren't for the fact that Pendulum Labs tried to be as independent from the rest of the world as possible. Still, if I can, I will. Good luck with the next chapter!
5463885 Thanks, also June is meant to be the Scottish pony in this, but I kindove just let that slide. As for the O.I.A. ya, PH is an awesomely dark pit, of which I'm only going to scratch the surface of.
also if you want me to reference your story in mine, I'll see what I can do, once I'm done with "The Long Winter" I'll catch up with your story. THe R&D Stable has a lot of stuff going on.
oh, and contact me on steam if you have any questions.
So, we finally get down to what's so special about his Pipbuck. I will agree though, having a pipbuck that is designed to be super secure probably makes plugging it into normal terminals a bad idea! But yeah, as Wadapan was saying down below, the mentioning OIA does open up a whole world of options! I only used it a few times as a reference to PH, but I always wanted to use it for more. Anyway, why do I have this feeling that as soon as Slowtrot even starts to feel like this place could be somewhere nice to stay, alarms are going to sound and the whole of equestria is going to go up as judgement day hits?
Can't wait to see what comes up next!
5466507 well with the O.I.A. it opens doors, but it can also take over a story with how much twists and turn it can give. but ya, you got an idea of what might happen, it is wartime equestrian, we know that in the end nopony wins, nopony good.
Let me start out by saying, here now before I have read a single word of your story, that this looks really really promising!
I do know that covers don't speak about the quality of their stories, but that cover is one amazing picture! Maybe is it just little weird me, but I do always think higher of a fic with a quality pic, it showing that the author actually care just a little bit, and have invested in the long run since he now have spent some money on the story. Two thumps up from me already!
The chapter lengths seems to be lovely consistent, another good sign knowing how many writers that does the mistakes of letting their chapters bloat up as time goes on, and at a 6K mark do they have a good length so you can read it, digest it and actually go on with a daily life without spending half a day to do so.
Here on a last annoying little note. In your credit, (and I love that you credit your artist in such a clear matter by the way, too few does that,) have you forgotten the capital starting letter. A small little thing I know, but having been a pre-reader for 2 years by now are it sticking out.
5594929 thanks. I'm a bit dyslexic, so this stuff can easily slip by me. But as I have been writing, I have gotten better. I hope you enjoy the read,
Woo! Fun chapter! I do so much like that roulette comparison you made! Also, Huzzah for Slowtrot bucking up and getting shit done! Now, to see if he'll make it there in time!
5639895 I was going to have him mention Russian roulette, but there is no Russia, and six shooter surprise is a raider game.
Wow. The .45 became a literal Chekhovs gun! Neat!
With every chapter, I hate thorn more and more. Hers would be a tempting offer to take, but there's no guarantee that she'd even let you go. But hey, at least that asshole griffin got what was coming to him!
5668778 At least for the griffin it was all business, well until Slowtrot embarrassed him, then it was personal. But Leo was more or less, like most Talon's in Fo:E.
As for Thorn, ya, shes one of thous people/pony that would join the police force because it means she will get to shoot someone if the opportunity pops up. And if it don't, then she might as well make the opportunity herself. Now make her in charge of an army, and you get the picture.
For the gun, It's the only thing I could think of that would be most poetic, were by it's very nature, if it is presented in a seen, then it's going to be shot later on. Think of it as Musket Ball saying, "Don't pull out this gun, unless you are going to shoot it!"
I don't usually comment on these things, and this is probably not the place to start, but here goes...
First i think the story is wonderful and the ending is great for a lead into another story.
I like how the character has a pipbuck for some reason other than "I came from a stable" and there's a reasonable amount of skill development in character .
I did find reading this a bit of a challenge though. Probably not nearly as hard as writing it seeing as you're dyslexic. I appreciate you putting forth the effort to put this out there and share it with others. .
I do have a suggestion which may or may not be helpful...
I have to reread what i write several times to make sure its reasonably clean. I can see this might not work as well for you. Instead maybe using a text to speech service might help (Google gave me this > www.yakitome.com).
It wont pick up nuances like "hole vs whole" like an editor might but if spell check grabbed the wrong word you will probably notice.
Also if you do happen to find an editor I hear Google docs will let you assign other people privileges so they can directly edit the chapters. I don't use it myself so I'm not 100% on that though.
5751483 thanks. With R&D I wanted to avoid most of the common Fo:E tropes, and have it as a strong history for other story's. As for the rereading stuff, R&D has realy got me to start doing that, but Grammar will always be my nemeses.
Wait, didn't he have the memory's of thorn now? That should make handling a gun like 2nd nature to him, along with traumatic instances of shooting and seeing an accual pony"a head exploding when he hits the dumbies or something.
5798744 no on two counts. The memories of Thorn are sealed away, so this is still something new to him. Second, Like with MN7 viewing memories don't translate to actual skill, so even if he remembered, it's more kin to him watching an instructional video on how to fire a gun, or how to kill a pony. He may know it, but until he actually uses the skills, it means nothing.
5800126 alright, Thanks for clearing that up.
I know I fell many many chapters behind on this one, but I remember enjoying the first five or size chapters I did see. Maybe now's the time to get caught up.
I'm horribly biased, but the existence of ponies with names like Stress Test and Candy have me far more invested and interested in what they do with themselves than I typically am with the characters in FoE stories.
Probably just because I hope they're more optimistic and cheery and energetic than they actually are, but I dunno.
Woohoo, it's PAR-TAY time! (Just started this chapter. Initially thought it was the end chapter, and then I realized there's a bunch more chapters to follow.)
5881785 With a lot of the R&D ponies I wanted to get across a feeling of lightheartedness of the characters, though also a feeling of stress. I'm glad you like them, to bad they are in the Fo:E Universe, where everything becomes doom and gloom.
Aaaarrggg I just realize I accidentally had chapter 11 and chapter 10 in the wrong order when I converted them to MP3. >.< Now I know everything that happens in this one, but not what happened in the arcade. And I didn't even notice until 10 started playing.
Yay for parties and arcade and stuff!
Not too happy about where things are going now, but there's still some characters and stuff that I like, so I guess I'll keep going to see what happens to them. Though I suppose I already know: Eventually they all die. If not to intrusion or fallout, then to age. But I guess the fun part is more about what happens until then, right?
5882206 owch, out of order is worst order. But ya, there is some more characterization, but after ch11 is were it becomes a true Fallout Equestria story.
Aaaand boom, all caught up. Got a little bit confused towards the last third and I had to re-read the ending twice before I realized it was kind of a end-of-this-story-but-life-goes-on sort of thing, but I mostly have positive memories coming out at the end.
Worth reading. Might read again someday.
5883409 yay, glad you enjoyed it. Makes it all worth it whenever someone reads it (or text to speech it) from start to finish.
also check out my next story, it's nearly finished, so it sould be a fun romp. (lot's of gore BTW)
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6530113 YAY!
6531300 feel free to join the page if you have a facebook. you can self advertise there or advertise other people. More members the merrier. (also it's just a good place to discuss foe stuff)
Good lord the spelling and the grammer... good lord the spelling and grammer!!!!!