• Published 22nd May 2012
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A Troll Through the Park - Spanner



Twilight and Celestia unwillingly change places for a number of days.

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Chapter 6: A Knife, A Box and Three Shades of Purple

Chapter 6: A Knife, A Box and Three Shades of Purple

(Celestia)

***

August 13th, Ponyville Library, 1:23am, outside temperature 57 degrees, inside temperature 68 degrees...

I can’t believe every entry starts like this. The heading is a paragraph in itself. She skipped ahead.

The purple unicorn was nestled beneath the celestial themed bed sheets. Her body lay propped up by a couple pillows as she read a small notebook. The book was adorned with a pink six pointed star, surrounded by five smaller white ones. She picked up the smell of what would surely be a delicious breakfast. The odor was slowly wafting in from the lower floor of the library.

The feather distribution in my pillow is not sufficiently even...

Celestia giggled at the extensive detail. Twilight you are so... obsessive-compulsively adorkable sometimes. Ah, here we go, this finally looks like some indulgent writing.

...Today I was able to cut 10 minutes off of my morning chores. All I had to do was comb my mane, brush my teeth, organize the shelves, eat breakfast, and give Spike a bath, all at the same time. Now if only I could find a spell to make my coat excrete soap and water. That way I could take my bath as well, but I guess I would also need a way to contain the soapy mess...

Okay. This is getting ridiculous. Where is the usual juicy gossip and secrets every mare keeps in her diary. I mean, even Luna’s diary... ah! Here we go. I should have known Twilight would put an index in her own Diary.

“Lets see, what should I look under?” Celestia continued through the section headings. Combating Nightmare Moon, Combating Discord, Current Projects...

Failed Spells that Should Never be Subjected upon Ponykind, EVER. That seems oddly specific, Celestia thought as she turned to the specified page.

...This spell was supposed to change the color of somepony’s coat, but instead led to complete baldness. That was a hard one to hide from the girls. At the very least I found a use for the hair, mane, and tail...

Celestia studied the spell notes. I will have to remember that one.

...Spell 50, a mind reading spell. Pinkie’s mind is still an enigma. I thought it would just be filled with cupcakes. I still get a headache from all those shared thoughts. I also seem to be unable to resist dancing at parties now, and I know how bad my dancing is...

There were many spells that ended in generic explosions and one that landed Twilight in a white dimension where the phrase alone echoed endlessly while some sort of squid creature was playing a clarinet.

I don’t even know what to make of this.

The diary was flipped back to the index. Finally Celestia found what she was looking for. ‘Friendship is Hard’ That sounds like it could be informative.

...So far making new friends has been... difficult. Many ponies are afraid to talk to me. Being Celestia’s student and the bearer of vast magic isn’t that scary, is it? Why do they look at me like I will destroy them? I bet nopony else has this problem...

“You may be surprised, my little filly,” Celestia said with a soft chuckled.

...I'm so hopeless. Why can’t there be an equation for friendship... maybe there is!

The next couple pages were filled with numbers and charts that extended into the margins. Many parts were scratched out or written over.

...Okay, so maybe there isn’t a formula to perfect friendship. I will find out later. I must have forgotten to carry some values over from...

...I caught Bon Bon talking to Lyra about me. Can you believe she called me neurotic? Me? Sometimes I feel so irritated and angry.

According to my Hoofapedia, these are some symptoms:

‘Anxiety, sadness or depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, etc., behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, etc., cognitive problems such as unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, etc. Interpersonally, aggressiveness, perfectionism, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors, etc.’

I don’t see any connections to me here...

I’m not going to touch that one. That is more of a job for Dr. Hooves.

...As far as Lyra goes, I like that she is interested in learning, but all she talks about is them. She thinks I’m in denial about the existence of the strange beings, or that I know they exist, but am helping to keep it covered up as some sort of conspiracy...

I keep telling her those books are fiction, or written by crazy mares like her. I mean really, how can a bunch of hairless apes survive in a world without magic? How do they keep their Celestial bodies in orbit around the planet? It just isn’t logical.

I hope I can patch things up after our last conversation...

...I thought I might enjoy the company of Mayor Mare, but she is always busy with politics. Anyhow, I don’t see myself getting into a position of political power any time soon. I did learn that Mayor Mare is not her real name though...

Celestia skipped ahead, laughing softly. “I wonder what her name really is?”

...So, you might think, why is Twilight looking for new friends? Well it’s because she finds that everypony eventually drives her crazy. See I’m talking to myself here. I just need a break from the problems of the same five ponies...

...I mean Rainbow Dash has read almost every Tricky Flight magazine, but I highly doubt she has read anything else I have suggested. How can you not like David Clopperfield or The Art of Peace? How can you not like the prospect of an orbital friendship cannon?

Prospect of? I already oversaw the repairs a few weeks ago. That was a fun comic book inspired simulation. Luna was disappointed when she lost. MaybeI should give Twilight the grand tour.

Lately, Rainbow keeps badgering me to use magic to perform some crazy stunt involving a double Rainboom. She can be mad at me if she wants.

It’s also hard to ‘hang out’ with somepony who keeps calling you an ‘egghead,’ and what is with her competitive nature towards Applejack? It seems a little more than ‘friendly’ competition, if you know what I mean... there I go talking to nopony...

Celestia turned the page with giddy eagerness.

...Applejack you’re the Element of Honesty, not the element of honestly being as stubborn as a mountain. That, and sometimes I would like to talk about more than work and apples...

I like bananas personally. That, and Cloud Cakes too.

...Every time I ask Fluttershy anything personal she starts mumbling incomprehensibly. I have tried pressing harder, but her little Angel Bunny is anything but an angel. Cute and evil is a diabolical combination. How can such a meek, docile pegasus have such a pet?...

...I don’t even need to get started with Pinkie Pie. I hope I saved enough pages for her dedicated section. Speaking of Pinkie Pie, I think I finally found a place she won't get to my diary. Last time I caught her, she said “why write a book nopony can read?” That makes some sense, but I still hope nopony reads this...

Celestia hesitated as a tinge of guilt passed over her. However, it did pass.

...All complaints aside, I love my friends almost as much as making new discoveries in magic, the smell of books, or being with Celestia. Celestia is best pony, or alicorn in this case. : )

There's that unhealthy obsession again. I guess I would be one to talk.

...On the bright side, I think Rarity and I have established a great relationship together. I think we share something spec...

“Oh, hi Twilight. I thought you were still asleep,” the faint voice of Spike caused her to slam the diary shut and hide it behind her.

I was so close to figuring this whole Twilight/Rarity situation!

Celestia’s violet eyes scanned the room, but the baby dragon was nowhere to be seen. That’s odd.

“What are you talking about Spike? I haven't been home since yesterday around 3:30. I thought you would be more worried.” The voice of the mare was of mild disappointment with a bit of a teasing nature.

That is even more peculiar, Celestia thought as she heard the very familiar voice from downstairs. Celestia tapped into Twilight’s magic and turned herself invisible. A brief flash outside the first story window was the only sign that anypony had teleported there. The Princess stared in disbelief through the open window.

“Twilight, I think you might be overworking yourself again. Why don’t you take a seat? I’m almost done with breakfast.” Spike had a look of both concern and suspicion.

“I guess you’re right Spike. I don’t feel hungry, but I could never pass up your cooking.”

It didn’t take long for Celestia to realize who or rather what was sitting at the table in the main room of the library. The invisible mare turned away from the window.

Of course you don’t ‘feel’ hungry, you aren't real.

She brought a hoof to her chin, glancing back briefly. Although I never expected her creation to seem so much like... her. She sounds like Twilight, and even her coat, mane, and tail look real.

Celestia hesitantly looked back at the spitting image of her little student. She softly smiled at the way she shuffled and crossed her hooves, the way she shrugged and sighed as she set her head on the table.

Wait a minute, how could it be sighing? Celestia unconsciously ground her hoof into an innocent plant. Why didn’t you tell me about this project my faithful student? I may have been able to avoid shutting her, no, it down. It will only be that much harder if I acknowledge this... thing is anything more than parts.

Although walking around Ponyville with two of me could be fun. But no. Celestia shook her head.

She prepared to bust in before this got out of hoof. However, before she could make her move, an orange mare waltzed up and knocked on the door. Celestia had to reel back to avoid bumping into Applejack.

“Come on in,” chimed the purple mare at the table.

Celestia went back to watch from the window. Darn it. Now I’ll have to wait until she leaves.

“Hello Applejack. Aren't you usually working at the farm at this hour?”

“Well after ya helped me out yesterday mornin,’ Big Mac said he could handle it.”

“Uh Applejack, when did I help you on the farm?”

This prompted a curious look from both Spike and the farm pony. Applejack turned to Spike, raising an eyebrow. ”Is she overworking herself again?”

Spike shrugged. “That’s what I told her.”

Applejack turned back to the duplicate Twilight in the dining area. “The reason I’m here is to ask you a few questions. Rarity thinks you've been actin' odd lately. She said your stride was too perfect, like royalty or somethin.' I tried asking Pinkie, seein’ as she knows everypony, but she seems to be avoiding the issue. As fer me, I never thought you'd have helped me on the farm. Not ta' mention, you were a bit odd that day. How the hay did you buck all those trees?”

I bucked each tree with unadulterated disdain and blind fury for those that oppose us. That would be a great answer. Celestia smirked, still unseen. Does Pinkie Pie suspect me yet?

"I... I don't know what you're talking about Applejack." The imposter's ears folded back in dismay.

Applejack lifted her hat slightly, narrowing her gaze at the purple mare, setting a hoof firmly on the table. “You not rememberin’ yesterday is the final nail in the horseshoe. So what’s goin’ on around here Twilight?”

The mare in the spotlight fidgeted looking for an escape or a chance to delay. “I... um... I may have... accidentally...” the nervous unicorn stuffed her muzzle with hash browns to buy some time.

The invisible princess turned away from the window again. She stifled a chuckle, that she could have easily been sitting in the impostor’s place. Why do its reactions seem so real? What does it have to hide? Could this really be Twilight Sparkle? But then where would my body...

Her train of thought was shattered by commotion from within the library. “Twilight... Twilight... TWILIGHT!” Spike yelled at a rigid looking Twilight Sparkle sprawled next to the wooden table.

Applejack tried to hit the body on the back, thinking she was choking. She then went for abdominal thrusts, but jumped back immediately after touching the duplicate’s purple coat.

“Why did you stop?” Spike asked frantically.

“She’s getting really hot!” Applejack exclaimed.

Spike bent down and put his head close to the seemingly unconscious unicorns chest. “I don’t hear a heartbeat, but I can hear something. We have to go get a doctor, she’s not breathing!”

“There will be no need for that.” Applejack and Spike whirled around to see... another Twilight Sparkle. That was completely worth the looks on their faces.

After all his time with books, and all his experience with Twilight Sparkle, Spike did the only logical thing he could think of.

“GHOST!” the baby dragon yelled at the top of his lungs before shutting himself in a nearby closet.

Applejack’s eyes darted between the two Twilights. ”Uh, what in tarnation is happenin around these parts?”

If I pull this off right I can say the strangeness was because it was the replica of me and cast off suspicion. I just need to kick the habit of the royal canter in the future, Celestia thought, plotting.

“Well, Twilight number two,” said the earth pony, growing impatient.

Celestia took a deep breath before beginning an explanation, only to be interrupted by a new voice.

“Isn’t it obvious? Twilight copied herself,” Pinkie Pie said, appearing behind Applejack and Celestia.

“Uh... huh,” Applejack said slowly. “How did you know to come here and why do you have bottles of hot sauce?”

“I got this weird combo. Itchy hoof, twitchy eye, stitchy neck and wiggly jaw. I figured it meant one of three things. Either Twilight was choking on food or she made a copy of herself. It turned out to be both,” Pinkie finished off in a sing-song voice.

“Riiiight,” Applejack stretched out the word, “but that doesn’t explain the hot sauce, and that was only two explanations.”

“Well the third possibility was that one of Twilight’s spells went wacko and filled the library with tacos again. I forgot the hot sauce last time so...”

“Again? Last time?” Applejack's brow furrowed. “Were getting of topic here. So one a these Twilights is a magical double... er...robot or somethin? That would explain a lot...”

“Not a robot, a magical construct. Magical clones or attempting to create sentient beings is outlawed by Celestia,” said Twilight’s look a like.

Now everypony (including Celestia) was focused on the Twilight that had collapsed on the floor. The duplicate stood up. After she spoke, she giggled with a little embarrassment and wiped her muzzle free of food.

Spike ran out of the closet and hugged her. “You’re okay!”

“So... Which one of ya is the real Twi?”

“I am! No, I am!” both Celestia and the copy responded at the same time.

“This... is gonna be a problem.” Applejack removed her hat and scratched her head.

“I don’t see a problem. Now when I invite Twilight to a party, I’ll get two guests! This is the bestest thing ever!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

Spike spoke up, ignoring Pinkie’s comment. “I know! We can ask questions only the real Twilight would know.”

Oh by Star Swirl’s beard, ]how do I get out of this, Celestia thought, hiding her fear. She silently thanked her years of practicing a neutrally deadened expression in political affairs.

“Sorry to barge in dears, but my schedule is very busy, so I needed an exact time for our... magic... lesson... why are there two of you?” Rarity’s voice got more quiet with each pause. Rarity put on a serious face. “Twilight Sparkle!” she said, completely scandalized. “You know magical clones or attempting to create sentient beings is illegal. Robots are fine, but this is obviously...”

Oh great a fourth party, just what I needed. Covering up this mess is getting harder and harder. Celestia silently cursed herself for not acting sooner.

“I know the laws, Rarity. We just went over that.” Celestia found a purple hoof pointing at her. “She isn't a magical clone. She is a magical construct of mechanical and magical components. She was supposed to be just a capsule for my mind... if something happened, but something didn’t go according to plan. Instead of getting just my basic memories and personality, it looks as though she must have gotten everything up to the moment she was created. As for the sentient part, I didn’t do this on purpose, so technically she is not against Celestia’s law.”

I can’t believe this. Twilight creates sentient life and it accuses me of being the fake. This has got to be some sort of cosmic joke. “I can’t believe this.”

The purple hoof of the magical construct met Celestia’s shoulder. “I know it's hard to believe, but you are not really Twilight Sparkle. You are Experiment 352.”

“He... he... hehehhahhaha! If this isn’t irony I don’t know what is?" Celestia cackled.

“Twilight, I think you broke Twilight,” Spike looked at Celestia with concern.

Celestia quickly collected herself from her fit of laughter. “She didn’t break me, she isn’t the real Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia stated matter of factly.

Everypony gawked at the sight of the two mares arguing with themselves. Pinkie Pie pulled out a bag of popcorn from her mane and Spike kept hold of who he thought was Twilight.

“I can prove I am Twilight,” said the construct. “I thought I might have been the experiment when I woke up alone in the lab, but I would never get to the lab late for such an important experiment. I noticed the time was way past when I needed to stop the memory transfer to Experiment 352. This delay is most likely how this higher intelligence emerged. This would also explain why I don’t remember helping Applejack at the farm or why Rarity noticed an abnormal walk...

“How does that prove it? You said yourself the real Twilight would not show up late?” Celestia was getting tired of her ramblings. Was she always so long winded? Wait, did I teach her to rampble?

“True, but...

“Twilight,” said a mare’s voice from outside the door.

Pushing the duplicate out of the way, Celestia was able to get to the door first.

“Hi Twilight. I just wanted to show you this book I got from The Canterlot Library. I think it might change your—” Lyra was cut off.

“I can’t talk now. I’m trying to prove my own natural existence at the moment. Please try again at a later time.” Celestia closed the door in Lyra’s face, who proceeded to sulk away.

Celestia turned back to the room. “I know that was mean. I will fix it later. Now, what were you saying Miss ‘I am the real Twilight’?”

Everypony was silent. Rarity got out her red fainting couch, Spike sat on the carpet, Applejack set her hat on the table and took a seat, and the two Twilights sat at opposite ends of the wooden table.

“I did say it was unlikely for me to be late to an important project like this, but I do stay up very late studying. I simply fell asleep at the table and didn’t have an alarm clock.

“How do you explain the broken table and trashed lab equipment? Why would Twilight... why would I do something like that? It isn’t exactly cheap.” At least I learned where all the bits i sent Twilight went, Celestia thought. “To make this easier, lets call me Twilight and you can be Sparkle.”

Sparkle started to retort, before she was interrupted by another knock at the door.

Celestia answered the door once again, to be in the presence of a violet pegasus with a sea foam colored mane. “Who are you?”

“You forgot about me already? Twilight, its me, Flitter. You said you would meet me for coffee, like two hours ago.”

“Right, sorry. Somepony in here is about to have an existential crisis, bye.” The door closed a bit more forcefully than the the last disruption. “Go ahead Sparkle.”

I really have to start being more polite to ponies at the door. I guess old habits die hard. I'm just soo used to guards knocking loudly and announcing some noble brat with "urgent" business.

Twilight and Sparkle argued for another forty minutes or so, with each of them tossing arguments back and forth. They had stopped sitting and were now circling the room. If it had not been for the newly designated names those that were still attentive would have lost track of who was who. Frequently the argument degraded into a yelling match.

“Well I’m more purple than you, so obviously I am the real one!”

“Are you kidding me? My coat color looks way more natural than yours! My coat is more of a mix between plum and violet, not purple,” Celestia said. I wonder if she feels like she is just making things up as well.

“Well Twilight, your mane style is off.”

“How can it be off? I do it the same way everyday. It’s just brushed straight.” Maybe after this I could take Rarity's spa invitation.

Pinkie Pie stood and watched with a small bag of seemingly endless popcorn. “I don’t know. Between ‘Twilight’ and ‘Sparkle’ here, I think Twilight is more... Twilightlicious?

“Are you all kidding me? Get on with it!” Spike yelled in annoyance.

His yell woke up Applejack who was hiding her eyes under her Stetson hat. Applejack's flailing jarred Rarity, who was grooming her hooves. Applejack hastily removed her hat from her face and placed it on her head, as if she had been paying attention all along.

“Well Twilights. I don’t think I have anymore time to spare. Let me know when you get this sorted out. If I work hard we should still have time for that magic lesson,” Rarity winked at the two purple unicorns, before heading to the door.

“There has to be a way we can solve this quickly and logically.”

“Agreed,” said Celestia.

“Oh, and girls there is somepony at the door,” Rarity informed, keeping the door mostly closed to hide the spectacle inside.

“Oh for Celestia's sake! Let me get it this time, I don’t want to make every citizen of Ponyville hate me.” Sparkle went to the door and saw an enraged violet mare with a spiky light-blue and white mane.

“Hi Cloudchaser, I am a little busy right now. I will get back to you soon.” Sparkle tried to close the door only to be stopped by a violet hoof in the door frame.

“You made my sister Flitter cry.”

Sparkle glared back at Celestia/Twilight.

“Are you fighting yourself in here? I heard lots of screaming,” Cloudchaser said, trying to get a better look inside.

“Uh, nope no crazy clone wars, robot wars or anything like that here,” Sparkle gave a wide grin and closed the door as Cloudchaser sunk to her plot in the street, completely confused.

Wow, she's almost as bad as me at answering the door. Celestia’s eyes spotted the refrigerator in the kitchen. More specifically the magnets on the door of the unit. That’s it! she internally exclaimed.

Sparkle slid the deadbolt over on the door and closed the curtains. “How do we stop all these distractions from visitors?”

“Its getting under my coat too, but I have an idea.” Celestia turned to Spike. “Get me a knife, a hat box, and a refrigerator magnet.”

Spike looked nervous and confused, but promptly returned with the desired items.

Everypony eyed Celestia as she set the magnet on the table, then grasped the knife and the hat box. Celestia promptly trotted out the door. “I’ll be right back.” This is just getting old.

***

There were a surprising number of ponies waiting outside the library to burden Twilight Sparkle with their complaints, borrow books, chat, and who knows what else, but that didn’t discourage the princess. There were a few Pegasi hovering above, a small group of unicorns, and a large number of earth ponies.

They all stared at the smiling violet-plum unicorn grasping a large kitchen knife and cardboard box.

“Maybe we should run,” Flitter whispered to her sister.

“Would everypony just give me some peace of mind?” Celestia proceed to stab a slot in the lid of the hat box, then dropped it on the doorstep. “I am very busy with a personal issue right now. If you need something, write it down and put it in the box. Thank you for your patience and have a nice day.” The door closed quietly as Celestia disappeared into the library once more.

“When doesn't she have a pile of problems on her hooves? It's not like she has to save Equestria every day?” said Carrot Top in an irritated tone.

There were many murmurs and nods of agreement within the crowd. The gall of this national hero knew no bounds.

***

As Celestia came back into the room and set the knife on the table, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Spike sighed in relief. They all groaned at what she had to say next.

“Ready to settle this once and for all?”

Everypony geared up for another long winded argument, but instead they watched as Celestia picked up the refrigerator magnet and set it on her shoulder. It slid off and plopped on the floor.

“Consarn it, what does that prove?” Applejack looked confused.

“It proves that I’m not Twilight Sparkle after all,” said the magical construct.

“What?” Applejack was still dumbfounded.

The construct sighed again then levitated the magnet off of the floor. As it came close to her shoulder, it stuck there. “I was so sure it was you. Especially after we had all those arguments.” She scraped a hoof across the floor uncertainly, pausing for a moment, before looking up at Celestia. “I guess this means you are my creator?”

“Not... exactly. Why don’t we go talk upstairs? Spike, you need to hear this too.”

Celestia felt awkward as the dismayed copy of her student nodded at her. The three made their way up the stairs and closed the door at the top.

"Welp, guess there's nothing more to see her folks." Pinkie said, having just finished her popcorn as the argument had settled.

Applejack grabbed Pinkie's tail and pulled her back into the kitchen. "Wha, what? What do you mean? I've got a million questions for those two!"

Pinkie kept walking in place, her hooves silently sliding along the floor while her tail was grabbed once more. "Well to bad. They aren't sharing anymore."

"And how do ya know that?"

"My Pinkie Sense, duhhh!"

Applejack face hoofed so hard she almost knocked herself out. Pinkie's tail was finally free to follow it's master out of the libarary.

***

“You were right Sparkle, I am not Twilight Sparkle either,” Celestia revealed.

“I knew it!” Spike blurted out. “Sorry.” Spike twiddled his thumbs, embarrassed by the outburst.

Sparkle scrutinized Celestia. “Who are you then?” she asked, poking Celestia in the barrel. “You feel like a real pony. Where is the real Twilight? What am I? What am I supposed to do? Nothing makes sense anymore!” Her face turning from suspicion to confused fear.

“Calm down, my most faithful student,” Celestia said, wrapping her forelegs around the near perfect image of her student. Sparkle's posture relaxed immediately. There wa no mistaking a hug from the Solar Princess. The construct’s soft purple coat was warmer than that of a regular pony, but she had hard metal shoulders beneath the skin. For a while, The two Twilights just kept holding each other next to Twilight’s desk. Suddenly, the mechanical mare pushed away from her counterpart, the sheer strength surprising Celestia.

“This isn’t my life. I don’t know what this is, but I need to get some answers. If you are really Celestia, then... then that means...” Sparkle threw the door open with her magic and ran down the stairs, leaving Spike and Celestia. She turned to Spike with an awkward smile.

“Sooo let me get this straight. You’re The Princess pretending to be Twilight, that pony who just left was a robot and Twilight is... running the kingdom in your body?” He sounded unsure about it all. Yet he said it in his deadened, sarcastic, I can't believe you're so stupid, voice

When put like that, it does sound completely absurd. “Yes Spike, that is generally what is happening, but you can’t tell anypony. My orders.”

“Three, there are three Twilights right now. I thought one was a handful, but three. Are you crazy?”

Celestia turned away and contemplated the little dragon’s question aloud. He was starting to look a little dizzy. “I was crazy once. It’s bound to happen once or twice when you live for thousands of years. So, to answer your question... I’m not sure...” Pause for dramatic effect, and...

“...Gotcha!”

Spike had fainted as soon as Celestia had said, ‘I was crazy once.’

“Spike? Oh please, can’t anypony take a joke?

***

To be continued...