Bearer of Loyalty (Unedited)
Dash yawned as she woke up with the sun hitting her. She stretched and heard the cricks throughout her body. Today was the day before the Summer Sun Celebration and the Wonderbolts arrival. She had to practice her routine. She gauge the position of the sun and figured it was around ten o'clock. A glance at her clock showed it was 10:17 am. Not bad. She went and had a a bowl of Applejack's. She so laughed seeing it in Barnyard Bargains. She showed it yo AJ one day waiting for her reaction. She just brushed if off saying it was some great aunt that shared her name that started the cereal. Dash pouted at the failure but hay the stuff was good.
After breakfast she did some stretches to get ready. She passed by the flag she had Rarity make for her. It was the good old Stars and Stripes. She had to say Rarity can do good work and Dash thinks the unicorn mare loved the challenge of making it. Dash worked hard to have Rarity get paid for at least the materials used. After that she leaves her house and check out the town.
“Huh, only a hoof full of small clouds. Easy to clear so I will have plenty of time to practice.” She began her stunt routine. Time flew by as she went through all the stunts she had worked on and she was going into her Buccaneer Blaze when Derpy got in her way. She just managed to dodge her but now she was too low and saw purple before impact. The next thing she knew she was laying on top of something in a mud puddle. The groan below her said it was likely a pony. She got up and confirmed it.
“Oh jeeze, sorry, had to dodge Derpy. She’s a sweet mare and love’s her kid but her eyes give trouble on occasion. Here, let me help you up.” She helped the pony up and guess was a mare due to figure but the poor thing was covered in mud. “Hold on give me a sec.” Dash says and she races over to the nearby cloud and races back. She puts the cloud over the mare and hops on it once to get some rain to clear the mare off of mud. She looks down from her perch and saw the mare. She was a lavender color (trust me, in a world of Technicolor ponies you pay attention to the hue of a color) unicorn with a navy blue mane and tail. They had parallel pink and purple stripes in them. Dash cocked her head. “Wet mane looks good on you.”
“I don’t know I think poofy would be better.” A male voice said and Dash noticed a small creature next to the mare.
‘Sweet a dragon, that’s awesome.’ The mare sighed then addressed Dash.
“You must be Rainbow Dash.”
“I prefer just Dash. Why, you heard of me?” Dash asked excitedly.
“I heard that you are supposed to clearing the sky.” The mare took a deep breath. “Look I’m Twilight Sparkle and I’m in charge of overseeing the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration and we need the sky clear for it.” Dash brush her off.
“Relax, that will be done well before the celebration so I was working on my moves. Got to impress after all.”
“Impress who?” Twilight asked.
“The Wonderbolts! They are going to be here tomorrow for the Celebration and I want to show them what I can do!”
“Wait THE Wonderbolts, like the most elite team of fliers in Equestria?”
“Is there any other group that has that name?”
“Please, they wouldn't be interested in a mare who can't keep the sky clear for one measly day.” Okay that was fighting words. Standing up on the cloud Dash declared.
“HEY! These clouds are so puny and small in number I can easily clear them in ten seconds FLAT!” Twilight smirked and replied.
“Prove it.”
-'Challenge accepted'- Aloud she said. “You better have a stop watch ready then because here I go!” She launches off the clouds and makes her rear hooves destroy it. She then flew through the air plowing through cloud after cloud and with a loop-DE-loop she destroys the last cloud and lands on the rail of a nearby bridge.
“See? Ten seconds flat.” She looked over to see both Twilight and her dragon friend jaw dropping. That amused Dash to no end as she took to the sky and lazyboyed around them. “You should see the look on your faces. Your funny Twilight Sparkle.” She landed and wrapped a fore hoof around Twilight and did a semi hug. “I can wait to hang out more with you, but since they've got you in charge in overseeing the whole thing I'll leave you to it. Cya around.” With that she took flight and zipped away. However before she could really gain speed Pinkie popped out in front of her.
“HEY DASHIE!” Pinkie is the only non family member besides Fluttrershy that can call her that.
-'At least it only took once to get he to stop calling me Rainbow.'-
“Hey Pinkie, what's Up?”
“You of course!” Pinkie giggled and Dash rolled her eyes. “I'm throwing a welcome to Ponyville party at five PM.”
“Five o'clock huh, no prob Pinkie. I'll be there.” Pinkie nodded then just disappears. “That girl is SO random.” Dash decided to head home and nap in preparation for a whole night and day of partying to come.
* * * * *
A ringing woke Dash up and she stretch as she notice the sun starting to set. She headed out for the Golden Oaks Library. She had to admit making a tree into a library was pretty cool, especially since the tree was still alive. Magic was freaking awesome at times. She walked into the library and greeted Pinkie and noticed a good portion of the town inside with them. She chatted a bit before Pinkie turned off the lights as a signal to be quiet. She heard the door open and heard the dragon and Twilight talk. Twilight talked about crazy ponies or something when Pinkie turned on the light.
“SURPRISE!” They all yelled and she saw a shocked Twilight before Pinkie showed up and motor mouthed the poor unicorn. Sensing a cue she slides next to Pinkie and saw Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity join her and Pinkie. Twilight then jerked up and turned to us with a weird face and her mane and tail actually turned into flames and raced up some stairs into a room. Turned out she accidentally drank hot sauce, poor girl. Dash went over to a punch bowl. Grabbed a cup and poured a drink before heading up the stairs and opened the door she saw Twilight on a bed.
“Hey Twilight, brought some punch to wash down that hot sauce you drank.”
“Thank you.” Twilight said quietly and took the cup and guzzled it down. “Oh that feels better.”
“I bet, so you wanna head back downstairs. The party's for you after all.” Twilight shook her head viciously.
“No! No way this town is full of crazy ponies!” Dash frowned at that.
“Twilight, you will find crazy ponies everywhere. Hay some would consider you crazy in some things. Life is not worth living alone. I know that truth very well. So you are going down to this party and make some friends.” With that she shoved the unicorn to the door. Twilight tried to resist but while she was fit mare she wasn't an athlete like Dash was. And when she tried to use her magic Dash tapped her horn stopping it. Twilight grumbled in defeat and the two rejoined the party.
* * * * *
Twilight lighten up a bit and got into enjoying the party after an hour of sulking. Note the mare needs dance lessons BADLY. During it Dash learned the name of Twilight's companion, Spike. Sounds like she manage to hatch his egg during an exam. That's pretty cool.
Eventually it was time to head for the town hall for the sun raising. Dash was next to Applejack by the food table and she heard Pinkie ranting on about how excited she was, poor Twilight being next to her. The mayor started the ceremony but at the time that the Princess was supposed to appear she didn't. Rarity looked to where Princess Celestia was supposed to be waiting and came back.
“SHE'S GONE!” Rarity declared earning gasps from the crowd. Then Dash saw a cloud or mist of purple with with sparkles till it formed into a large pony.
PONY! Hell she was a horse, with black fur with the wings and horn making her an alicorn. Her mane and tail were like a purple starfield and waved around her. Her eyes though were like a cats eyes.
“Oh my beloved subjects! It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun loving faces!” She notice no real reaction she frowned and continued. “Do you not know who I am? Do you not recall the legends? Did you not see the signs?”
“I did!” Everypony looked over to see none other then Twilight Sparkle standing tall. Dash had to give her credits for guts on that one. “And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon, Nightmare Moon.” That name seemed familiar to Dash, where had she heard it before? Oh yeah in the mythology class during her school days. Oh and of course Nightmare Night. Honestly she should have known better to dismiss it as what the locals call an old mare's tale.
“Well,well,well. Somepony who remembers me.” Moonie sounded impressed. “Then you know why we are here?”
“You're....you're here to...” Nightmare Moon chuckled then addressed the crowd again.
“Savor the day for it was your last. From this moment forward the night will last FOREVER!” Moonie started cackling and Dash had enough.
“THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE STUPIDEST I EVER HEARD OF!” Dash said and that got Moonie to stopped and looked shocked before an angry scowl appeared.
“WHAT FOAL DARES DECLARE THAT!” Dash flew up and responded.
“That only foal I see here is you. Granted you have an awesome look, love the night motif. However what you are planning is just dumb. Let's grant the fact you win and Equestria is yours, without sunlight at all not only will we freeze to death but would also starve to death. Just depends on what kills first. SO you then rule of a frozen wasteland congratulations.” Dash finishes with a slow clap of her hooves. Moonie looked confused. Like she was trying to figure everything. She was just complemented and insulted a few sentences. Moonie shook her head then glared at Dash. Before Dash could act she was struck by lightning and send flying till she hit the wall and slide to the floor with a groan.
“SEIZE HER! Only she knows where the Princess is!” Dash heard the mare order as she got up a little sore from her flight.
“STAND BACK YOU FOALS!” Dash saw Nightmare Moon use the same trick on the Royal Guards then she turned into a purple mist and flew out of the building. Dash tried to follow but the mist was quickly gone. Dash saw Twilight race out of the hall seemingly on a mission. The mare seemed to know what was going on. Dash raced after her and saw Twilight tossing books. “Elements, elements, elements. How can I stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony?”
“And just what are those Twilight?” Dash asked as she came in.
“Come on Sugar cube. Ya know what's going on.” Dash heard Applejack and looked behind her to also see Pinkie, Rarity, and even Flutters. She heard Twilight sigh.
“I read about Nightmare Moon in a book and that the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can beat her. But I don't know what they are or even look like!”
“The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.” Dash her Pinkie say then saw Twilight plow into her and took the book.
“How did you find it?” Twilight asked. Pinkie hopped by and said in a sing song voice.
“It was under Eeeeeee!”
“Oh.” Dash could tell she was mentally facehoofing herself. On the outside she opened the book and began reading aloud. “The Elements of Harmony. There are six Elements but only five are known: Honestly, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, and Laughter.”
'So these Elements are virtue based. That's kinda cool.' Dash said mentally.
“The sixth is completely unknown. The last known location of the Elements is in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters which is located in the Everfree Forest.”
“THE EVERFREE FOREST!” The others exclaim.
“Figures they be in the old castle ruins in that forest.” Dash said aloud while mentally she added. 'Might as well get the theme for Castlevania warmed up.' The group heads out till they reach the border of the forest.
“OH WEEE! LET'S GO!” Pinkie cheered and started to walk in before Twilight stopped her with her words.
“Not so fast.” Twilight sighed and took a deep breath before continuing. “Look I appreciate you all wanting to come, but I think I should do this on my own.”
“Uh Twilight.” Dash began. “This mare is threatening Eternal Night. That's affects everypony so this is a fate of the world thing. I'm not sitting by on this one.”
“Dash is right Twilight and we're stickin closer to ya then caramel on a candy apple.” Applejack walked into the forest with Dash right behind her. Dash also heard Pinkie say.
“Especially if there's candy apples! What those things are good.”
“Pinkie you are SO random.” Dash said as the entire group enters the forest.
* * * * * *
They were minutes into the forest when Twilight asked.
“So have any of you girls been in here before?”
“I've flown over it during my weather duties but never in it.” Dash replied.
“Heavens no, just look at it. It's dreadful.” Rarity commented fearfully.
“It just ain't natural, folks say it don't work the same as Equestria.” That got Dash to roll her eyes.
“Applejack what Equestria does isn't natural. We use magic to manipulate everything.” Dash said.
“What in the hay is that suppose to mean?” Applejack asked defensively.
“Applejack we use pegasi to control the weather. Look at any country that doesn't have pegasi and they have no idea went storms are coming or what weather they will have on a day to day basis. Equestria is lucky in that regard.” Before Dash could elaborate further the cliff face they were on collapsed. “Flutters quick!” Dash said and she raced and grabbed Pinkie. She saw Flutters got Rarity and Applejack grabbed a branch with her teeth while Twilight was still sliding over the edge. She quickly dropped Pinkie off and the bottom and waited below Twilight who was now holding on to Applejack's hoof. Flutters joined her and they positioned themselves to catch the mare. Twilight fell screaming all the way till Dash and Flutters caught her. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief as she was lowered to the ground with Flutters slipping once.
After making sure everypony was okay they continued their journey till of all things a manitcore showed up. It took a swing at Rarity and to Dash's surprise the mare actually buck him in the face.
“Take that you ruffian!”
'Wow! Way to go Rarity!' Then the manticore roared in her face and made her hair look like she was ina wind tunnel. Rarity looked up and said.
“My Mane!” then fled. Had to at least give her kudos for trying. The beast tried to follow Rarity but found Applejack on top of it and started riding it like a bull at a rodeo. Sadly after a few seconds it bucked her off and as she flew past Dash she said.
“All yours partner.” Dash knew what to do to get past this guy. She dove down flew underneath the manticore then bucked him in THE LAST place any male wants to get hit. Dash could barely hear the scream of pain it was so high and the beast collapse on the ground. Dash looked back to the shocked faces of her friends. Applejack was the first to speak.
“That was a dirty move Rainbow Dash.”
“Hey, he is still alive and would be fine in time. Or would you have rather me kill him?” She saw Applejack pale at that. “Didn't think so, so let's get moving and leave him be.” The others did move around him except for Flutters. “Fluttershy what are you doing?” Flutters face got close to the manticores and gave one of her level seven expressions, yes Dash has been around her long enough to gauge the level of adorableness. The manticore opened a fore paw to reveal a wicked thorn imbedded in it. Even Dash wince at that. After some calming words Fluttershy pulled it out and the manticore roared at her (with a slightly higher pitch) and then proceeded to lick her a few times before letting her down. Flutters hair was all swepted back by it.
“Fluttershy, how did you know about the thorn?” Twilight asked.
“I didn't. Sometimes we just need to be shown just a little kindness.” Flutters looked at Dash who responded with a raised eyebrow.
They continued further Rarity eventually said. “Eww, my eyes need a rest from all this muck.” in response to her invoking karma it did get darker. “Well I didn't mean it literally.”
“That's what you get for invoking karma Rarity.” What followed was a series of collisions and apologies. The group pauses when Applejack said she stepped in something. Dash looked up and and saw a scary face IN the tree. The others did as well. They were surrounded by such trees and most of the girls started screaming. Dash then noticed one voice not screaming but laughing. Look for the source she saw it. Pinkie giggling and make faces at the tree which didn't nothing in return.
“Pinkie what are you doing?” Twilight asked.
“Oh Twilight don't you see.” Dash started hearing music and Pinkie started singing. Twilight voiced Dash's thoughts to a T.
“Please tell me she isn't.”
“She is.” Responded Rarity.
'Seriously what is with these ponies and their music!? They just starting singing and music comes COMPLETELY out of nowhere! All the years i've been here living as a pony I could never understand it.' While Dash had her mental rant Pinkie got the girls to sing and laugh at the trees which apparently turned them back to normal. Even Dash couldn't help but get involved. After a short break getting the laughing out of our systems we continued are trek.
Of course we met another obstacle along the way. This time a raging river caused by a water serpent of some type. After some questions it turns out he was upset because some blue/purple mist sliced part of his mustache off and he now thought he was hideous.
'He's concerned about looking pretty and I'm the one who gets the rainbow mane, GO FIGURE!' At first it seems Rarity was calming him down by complementing him till she got to the mustache that got him going again.
“I must not let this crime against fabuliousity go unchallenged!”
'Is that even a word!?' Rarity then took a scale from the guy and lifted it up. Before it could go further Dash grabbed it and said.
“What the hay are you doing with this Rarity?”
“I was going to cut off my tail to fix his mustache.” Dash sighed at that.
“Rarity, you're a fashion expert. His mustache will grow back in time. He just needs a temporary style till it grows back. There must be something you can do with a small mustache that's still stylish?” Rarity looked over the serpent before Dash saw the proverbial lightbulb go off.
“IIIIIDDDDEEEEAAA!”
* * * * *
Took Rarity only a couple minutes to come up with something the serpent liked and then he help the girls cross the river. A couple miles after that the fog revealed the ruined castle. Twilight ran off like a shot and nearly fell to her death AGAIN as the fog reveal that a gorge separated the girls from the castle and the bridge was out.
“What is it with you and falling off edges?” Dash asked in amusement. Dash looked over the edge and saw that the bridge was intact just no longer tied to the other end. And easy fix.
“So how do we get over now?” Pinkie asked.
“Duh.” Dash said as she flicked her wings.
“Oh yeah.” Pinkie replied and Dash took off and went to grab the loose end of the bridge. She landed at the other end and tied one end up and was about to do the other when she heard a female voice calling her.
“Who's there?” Dash asked as she took a combat stance. She saw three figures come out of the fog around them and it was three pegasi wearing a variation of the Wonderbolt uniform.
“We're the Shadowbolts, the greatest fliers in the Everfree forest. We could become the greatest in Equestria but we need a captain for that. Somepony strong, daring, and intelligent. Somepony like you.”
“Certainly and interesting proposal but you have two things against you.”
“Oh?” The lead Shadowbolt asked.
“First off I never heard of your team and being the daughter of Firefly I know all the stunt and racing teams there are and none of them are you. Two: You just happen to show up when Equestria is in crisis and offer me that position. Sorry but my home and my friends need me so maybe another time.” With that Dash turned away and tied the last rope. She glance back and saw that the Shadowbolts were gone and she didn't here them take flight or gallop away.
'Nice try Moonie but it takes more than that to get me.' With the bridge back up she flew to her friends to show it was clear.
“You did it Rainbow!” Twilight exclaimed.
“For the record, it's Dash. And of course I did it. I never leave my friends hanging.” With that they headed into the ruins. They found a platform with stone orbs with imprints of gems on them. Twilight had Dash and Fluttershy grab them and bring them down. As I guessed there was only five so we were missing one. Pinkie noted this and Twilight replied.
“The book said a spark would ignite them and reveal the sixth.” She laid down in front of the orbs. “Let me try something.”
“Come on girls. Let's give her some space.” Applejack said and Dash started to follow but paused at the doorway. It seemed stupid to leave her alone. Dash watched from the door way and watched Twilight work. Then a mist appeared and headed towards Twilight.
“TWILIGHT LOOK OUT!” Dash yelled out and Twilight just reacted before seeing the orbs picked up by the mist that turned into a tornado. Without thinking Dash raced towards the tornado and saw Twilight jump into it just before she did. There was a flash of light and Dash felt really dizzy. She heard a groan and saw Twilight next to her. The mare holding her head. Both heard cackling and saw nightamre moon with the orbs. Dash saw Twilight get up and stomp her hoof for a charge. Dash joined her in that stance.
“You're kidding, you're kidding right?” Moonie asked. Twilight responded by charging with her horn glowing all the way. Dash herself was using a trick from Rapid Dash. She buzzed her wings making wind but she used her pegasus magic to keep it in then release with a bang on her command for a massive speed boost. When she felt Twilight was far enough away she let loose flying at fast speed with her hoof ready to hit Nightmare Moon. Before she could connect however she saw Twilight disappear in light. Both she and Nightmare moon looked around for Twilight till they found her at the Elements trying to get them to work.
'Clever girl. The charge was ruse to get Nightmare Moon away from the Elements.' Dash decided to by time by air bucking Moonie in the head. That sent the mare flying. She hit the wall and slid down. Nightmare Moon then shot a beam out of her horn. Dash dodge it easily but then she felt a force hit her dead on and she hit the wall dazed. Seconds later she heard a yelp and found Twilight on the ground next to her. She tried to get up but her ribs were screaming. She got hit good with that one. She just manage to get to a sitting position when she heard.
“No! NO!” Looking over it look like the trick worked. The Elements were powering up.
Then they stopped.
Nightmare Moon laughs manically and stomps her fore hooves and smashes the the orbs.
'That's not good.' Dash thought as she made it to Twilight's side.
“You little foals, thinking you can defeat us. You will never see your princess or the sun again. The night will last FOREVER!” Moonie did the evil laughing again and Dash noticed Twilight's defeated look.
“Come on Twilight this isn't over yet.” Dash heard the voices of their friends coming. “You see the cavalry is arriving.” Twilight looked back and her eyes dilated and Dash swore she saw a spark of white in her pupils. Then Twilight got this knowing smile and turned to Nightmare Moon.
“You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony just like that? Well you didn't because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!” Dash saw the element shard light up and Moonie said.
“What?”
“Applejack; Who reassured me when I was in doubt represents the Spirit of, Honesty. Fluttershy; Who comforted a manticore with her comapssion represents the Spirit of, Kindness. Pinkie Pie; Who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger represents the Spirit of, Laughter. Rarity; Who was willing to cut her own tail to calm a sorrowful serpent represents the Spirit of, Generosity. And Rainbow Dash; Who refused to follow her life's dream for the sake of her friends represents the Spirit of, Loyalty.” As Twilight said those words the shards started surrounding Dash and the others. Dash felt an odd feeling. She couldn't describe it, just odd. “The spirit of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us.” Moonie looked quite unnerved.
“But you still don't have the sixth element. The spark didn't work.” Moonie stated.
“But it did, a different kind of spark.” Twilight turned to face Dash and the others. “I Felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The Spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all.” Twilight turned again to face Nightmare Moon. “Were my friends!” A flash of light happened and another orb showed up and floated above Twilight. “You see Nightmare Moon, when those elements are ignited by..the spark that resides in the heart of us all it creates the sixth element. The Element of....Magic!” Dash felt a huge surge of power and fought of the urge to yell out. I HAVE THE POWER! With that power she also felt contentment, like she was in perfection. She barely heard Nightmare moon's screams as rainbow colors went over her eyes then blackness.
When Dash opened her eyes again she found herself lying on the ground. The pain in ribs were gone and she felt a tad winded. Looking around she saw the others getting up. Dash rubbed her head.
“Ugh, my head.”
“Is everypony okay?” Applejack asked.
“Rarity, what a beautiful necklace. It's just like your cutie mark.” Flutters said and Rarity looked down apparently seeing it for the first time they compared it to her own mark. Flutters was correct, it did look like Rarity's mark but purple in color. Rarity looked over to Flutters and said.
“So does yours.” That's when Dash noticed Flutters had one to. A pink butterfly rather then Rarity's purple diamond. While Pinkie cheered look at mine Dash looked down to see a gold necklace with a red lightning bolt.
“Oh yeah! That's some awesome swag.” Heck the thing didn't even weigh anything, she barely felt it. In fact she felt a slight warmth from it. Dash then look over to seeing Twilight with a crown on her head with a six point star matching hers to a T. 'Hey, how come she gets a crown not a necklace? This was a team effort after all. Oh well it does look nice so I'll let it slide.'
“Gee Twilight, I thought you were spouting a whole lot of hooey. But I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship.”
“Indeed you do.” A voice said and Dash looked around.
'Okay who said that?' The sun finally rose and Princess Celestia appeared in a brilliant white light. 'Okay I have to give the Princess kudos. That was an awesome entrance.' Most of the girls bowed except for Dash and Twilight. Twilight after saying the princesses name was almost running up to the Princess of a neck hug and the Princess almost seemed motherly towards Twilight. 'Okay there is a story there.' Dash didn't bow because there is still a lot of American in her. She respects the princess but not going to bow.
“Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it.” Twilight looked confused.
“But you told me it was all an old pony tale?”
“I told you to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon' return and I knew you had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship in your heart.” Twilight looked to Dash and the others and smiled. “Now if only another will as well.” Celestia said with a hint of sadness. Dash followed to where Celestia was looking and saw what had to be nightmare Moon. She was now much smaller, standard pony size with a blue coat of fur and a very light blue mane and tail. Dash looked between the two and something clicked in her head.
'Oh I bet they are related.'
“Princess Luna!” Celestia said with force and the other mare jerked awake and looked at Celestia with fear, “It's been a long time since I've seen you like this.” Celestia knelt down and Luna winced in fear. “Can we put our past behind us and rule together as we were meant to. Will you accept my friendship little sister.”
“Sister!?” The others gasp while Dash was mentally saying.
'To bad they don't have phones yet because I bucking CALLED IT!' They all waited for Luna's answer. Pinkie even hilariously tipped over. Luna accepted Celestia's offer and the two sisters hugged. Okay even Dash got teary eyed at the family reunion. Pinkie turned into a water fountain with her tears.
'Is it scary I've gotten use to her antics at this point?' Dash wondered. Pinkie went from bailing her eyes out to stopping and said.
“You know what this calls for? A PARTY!” With that they headed back to town with the princesses in tow. Luna was given a wreath of flowers and that seemed to cheer her up. Twilight though looked down. Celestia noticed and asked.
“Are you not happy Twilight? You've complete your task and can return to your studies in Canterlot.”
“That's just it Princess. Now that I value friendship and made new friends here I now have to leave them.”
“Spike, take a note.” Celestia commanded. “I Princess Celestia hereby charge the Unicorn Twilight Sparkle to study the Magic of Friendship and report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville.” Dash couldn't help herself and she joined the others in a group hug.
“Thank you Princess I promise to study harder then ever before.” With the that the party really got going.
* * * * *
It was an exhausted Dash that returned home as the sun sets. She lit a lighting powered bulb and opened her log book.
Dash again, a bit tired so I'll be brief. A lot happened the past twenty four hours. Made some new friends which includes a personal student of Princess Celestia. I also helped save the world from eternal night and a princess from her own darkness. Turns out I'm also a bearer for a magical artifact called the Element of Loyalty. If that lighting bolt hadn't hit me and brought me here who knows what would have happened. It's a bit sobering. Well let's see what this new chapter in my life takes me.
Stats
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
790 users online
1,221,736 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is quite an interesting retake on the episode(s). It solves some of the fridge logic from t.he episode.
The only problem is that it needs a bit of editing, but seeing as it is unedited I am not surprised. I would do it myself, but it is late and school starts in two days.
6405260 have no editor for this story right now
6405277 Tomorrow I might be able to get ~4 chapters edited, but after school will start and then I will have very little spare time. Anyway, G'night!
Next chapter? Great!
... Many of the errors you have would be solved from just going back and rereading your work after sleeping a few times. Wouldn't catch everything, but obvious things like perspective shifts (at least twice), tense shifts (at least twice again) would be pretty obvious when you came upon it again.
Ruffian not Roughion, Anything else was minor enough I've already forgotten. Can't wait 'till Discord.
loved the update! I would love for Dash to also become friends with Luna.
I could actually see Dash dreaming about her old life as a human, and Luna seeing the dream, and asking Dash about it.
6405583 Trust me that is THE arc of this, though I have one more major arc after that.
6405584 They will get close but not till after Discord.
6405610 I look forward to it
pbs.twimg.com/media/BUOyoNlCIAEeY3N.jpg
Well played, Dash. Well. Played.
cdn.meme.am/instances/49108166.jpg
6406094 That's Ryan's maturity showing up.
a different look at this episode I like it.
Okay i know i'm an asshole, we've established that already from your other story, so it seems like i get to nitpick this one as well...
I apologize in advance.
So, it seems like you suffer from SASS (Skip the Annoying Stuff Syndrome) Where you have an idea, but you need to get there, so you build the shortest cheapest and easiest bridge possible to get to that point and leave the rest of us having to cross the rickety thing.
Your character is shoddily built, we get absolutely NO insight to his personality, life, habits, and whatnot. You can skip this in your cadence story because you at least skipped his previous life before, but since you had a 'before pony' scene this means that if you don't have something else it becomes a dead weight. All we got from the chapter was that he chased storms, he's at least chivalrous enough to save people and endanger himself. He's calm under pressure mostly, evidence of him not simply being a blubbering idiot. However, other than that there really is no character background to him. We don't even know what truck he drives (minor detail, but you can tell a lot by the brand of car)
That's a minor detail compared to the pacing of this story. I know i apologized before but i'll apologize again for this.
I'm sorry, but this abomination of pacing needs to be put down with a shotgun loaded with uranium. 2802 words is NOT enough to get through entrance, getting to know his new body, getting to know his new life and other important things.
Hell, you didn't even address the fact that he suddenly knew how to glide for no good reason. Then you proceeded to skip several weeks in which we missed several crucial moments like school (nearly every story that involves human foals and school is golden to me) and his miniature quest for his home, but giving up at the first chapter is NOT okay.
I will admit that this was definitely better (imo) than the cadence one due to it being a bit more realistic (to me) however i must decline further reading again due to the lack of character building, plot, time skip, and other crucial elements in the story we missed in your rush to get to the juicy part.
Again with the shameful referencing but here goes. My story involves a character having to go through about two weeks of stuff maybe, however, i didn't want to actually WRITE all it out, so i did it in journals of sort. OMG I hated every fucking moment of those stupid things. I felt like hitting my head to desk several times while writing them and if you check, there's a huge fucking gap between them and the rest of the story (that's post gap), meaning i had lost interest. Fortunately though i actually did get through it and i was better. However, the lesson is, if i had attempted to skip those and condense it even into 1 single chapter or even less, it would not have kept it's depth and meaning, the hardships that my character suffered, the psychological trauma he went through and his struggles as the days are counted by. It would just be a list of things that happened. That's really all you gave us, was a list of things that happened. At the end of the chapter i felt neither sympathy or happiness or sadness for the character because i couldn't really identify with his sadness or depression. I was just told that he was sad cause he didn't have a horn and couldn't go home. Okay... that's like every other human -> pony -> stuck for life story i've ever read. Why not express some hardships of suddenly being 5 or maybe a class bully, or the struggles of knowing math english (grammar), but knowing jack all at history or pegasus stuff?
I don't know man, i don't think i really like your writing style. You seem to leave out very important parts of a story in order to skip to the 'fun stuff'. That's a valid story plot by the way, and obviously you've done it well, however, it is a VERY risky move as you are jumping to a point and hoping that your character can draw the readers attention long enough for them to actually GET to the juicy stuff instead of coping out because of boredom or unlikability.
6406569 I don't want to bore my readers and not much is really happening in those skips. More backstory will happen but a key event needs to happen first.
6406589 Again, that's your style of writing, you believe that you need to jump to the first big thing to hook your readers before layering on the backstory with flashbacks.
My writing style is that i like to compeltely flesh out my character, let the reader know who they are dealing with. If you don't mind, i'm not exactly all that good at writing, and if you have some time on your hands, could you peruse the comments section of my stories? You'll notice that some of the readers are quite vocal about what they wish to happen to the small antagonists in the story. They identify with my characters and the feelings associated with what is happening and i'm just not getting that here.
I think your main issue though is this.
Omg... i'm... i don't have words for how simple minded that thinking is. If you think that the most crucial point in your story (the first few weeks of his arrival) is boring and not much is happening, then you are indeed suffering from a major case of SASS. You insert a human into a situation in order to get certain qualities unique to humans, whether it be intuition or thinking, or unfamiliarity, and then get on with your story. A HiE is not just 'what happens with human A in equestria facing problem B.
A HiE is what happens TO the human. It's not just about their surroundings, but what's happening personally, psychologically. What are they struggling with in this new world, what is it that they fear?
The first few weeks are pivotal as you flesh out just exactly how the character would react to the being thrust into this new world.
I will say this though, i am currently editing/proofreading a story where the writer has the EXACT same problem as you. I haven't signed anything yet so he can't sue me for copying and pasting stuff so here;
okay so he actually DELETED that portion, but essentially it said this.
I like what happened in your draft (talking about another pre-reader) but i felt like it was too long and i didn't want to readers to get bored with the backstory.
Let me summarize what he was calling boring.
A backstory concerning his character, how he came to be on equestria, how his peers came to be, how pony civilization was formed, how the reign of discord began, how the elements of harmony were created, how celestia and luna defeated discord, and how he was injured.
The massive thing totaled out to about 4.5k maybe? It went great lengths to explain a lot of things and while it was a pain to edit, i found it entrancing, not boring. People nowadays aren't really looking for a quick read, they are looking for something with more meat. I read pretty damn fast so 2.8k is about 2-3 minutes maybe? I don't know.
I think i'm just prattling on here, but what i'm saying is that THIS story would be so very easy to correct, simply give it more backstory, there really doesn't need to be edited (unless there's something i don't know about) because it's the first chapter.
One thing though, when i say fixed i'm speaking from opinion, once again i will say that it's not overall bad, but there were a lot of mistakes in the story. (grammar and spelling among other things.)
6406629 If you think you can fill that in. I be open to it. I allow my editor in Love SSeriously to flesh out things unless it contradicts what i have planned.
Things did not change that much from the show but it would be hard to.
6406744 The problem with that being that it's YOUR character. I mean if I REALLY wanted to i could indeed give him a life before hand, give him the tornado situation and him rushing out the door into his truck and down to it. But the problem with that is that all needs to be filled in with thoughts, emotions, what is his family like? What does his do for money? (i'm a bit unknowledgable on the storm chasers thing) did he get a degree, what is his emotions concerning tornados?
For school i would need to know his highest level of education, how well he handles stress, would there be a bully or two? Since he has wings would have trouble using them, and if so would he be bullied for it? there are million questions to ask and by that time all i'm doing is your dirty work of having to write it all down into coherent chapters. At this point i'm not sure i'm willing to put forth the effort for a complete stranger for a story i don't absolutely drool with anticipation of each chapter.
No offense of course, see my other comment on your story.
6406929 some of this I planned to go into later in the story. Can't say more then spoliers.
But right now what is known is that he did have college level education. He sells his pictures and what readings he gets to universities and a basis 9-5 job during he off seasons. He has a little sister that adopted a kid. And that's it so far.
6406950 see, not that hard, it would be much more prudent to put it in the beginning i know that i would be able to relate better since i have 3 little sisters, so maybe some thought into that would have been nice, especially during those first few days were he's wondering how they'll feel when he suddenly 'dies' from a tornado?
Good chapters can't wait for more
I hope to more of this soon!^_^
It honestly isn´t important anymore, because i think we talked about it already, but i would like it it scenes like that would be a bit more different, and not nearly the same, it is mostly like in the episode now, only that it is written down.
you always say he would act differently, but i only remember him being 90% Rainbow Dash, and maybe 10% himself, i thought he would be at least 40 % himself, and maybe the scene where Twilight was saying those things to him, would not need to happen, because he maybe would do it himself, or that he would have a good remark/answer to that.
6405610 I really don´t want to sound mean, but i hope it is more than in the episodes. However there is still more to read.
As you may noticed, i make my comments at the same time i am reading, so i say, good work, i like this a bit more, and it is a change.
Nice, it started a bit bad, but there was enough different this time.
I am no American, but i agree with her way of thinking, yes i guess i really do.
Very nice, however maybe some of the later chapters can be a bit more different, i mean like with other Ponys, or maybe the event´s in an episode, don´t happen exactly like that, at least as long as it is an more less important episode.
6408053 Here's what I have planned. Some episodes don't really changed so it will be a log entry with Dash's POV. The key is even both coming to Equestira he had a similar personality to Rainbow but has the 20 year matureity that Rainbow lacks. Trust me when we get to Discord things will be WAY different and the last arc wil also be drastically different then cannon so give it time.
6408935 well okay i trust you, i just can´t help it, it seems a bit odd that way, you know what i mean.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER THIS STORY IS AMAZING
6566236 the fear is unfounded. Discord hasn't brought Ryan to Equestria. But his actions will affect Ryan deeply.
Is it just me, or whenever a human replaces it one of the mane 6 they always incorporate logic and/or violence to quickly solve the situation.
If I could, I would make twilight say: "by your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!" When they use the elements.
(And then pinkie starts singing the Captain Planet theme song)
6567881 Because we notice something that the girls miss. Dash in this has 20 more years of experience over Rainbow and the other girls.
6567892 NO, NO, NO Hell NO.
BUCKING NO!
6567916
Okay, so it looks like this is starting the point of diversion, Dash's mentality will be interesting I think come certain episodes...
Keep going! ;)
6568866 some will have a very clear point of diversion some minor. The next one will be minor but will provide a POV we didn't see before.
Well I want to politely ask for another chapter
6592140 it's being worked on. It will be the next one updating.
You know, it kind of just struck me how much Celestia puts Luna on the spot with that request. No time to wake-up and process things, no time to really feel without the Nightmare there to interfere... And the guilt and fear. Not just of and towards Celestia, but also having the element bearers who just basically gave her the most epic bitch-slap in history right there.
Was half expecting you to go up and bop Celestia on the nose for being a bad mare and doing that to Luna. Maybe get the others to talk to her and then let Celestia and her talk when they help her sort herself out a little.
It feels too quick and too cut and dry for how much history already exists between the two.
I can get why no one did anything in canon, but as you noted yourself this chapter, "American."
7298299 It is how it was done in the show and I didn't see how Dash could change that part. This is her first time meeting the Princesses. Trust me in the future Dash and Luna will have alot together.
Argh.... I really want to offer editing for this story, since I think it deserves it, but it might not be all that fast, due to the other stories I have a responsibility to edit.
Still, the offer is open. I figured I'd start with the ones marked (Unedited), then back to the first chapter. (I still found a fair few mistakes there as well.)
Don't worry, though, while I am a huge stickler for things like grammar and wording issues, I personally can enjoy a story full of them. The only "annoyance" is that I want to fix all of them.
I'm pretty sure this was intentional, but...
Calling, as a verb & a word, existed before phones did, Dash's mom can call her in for dinner without needing to pull out 2 cups and some string.
10358853
Dude...Dash is FROM OUR WORLD.