Pray

by SapphireSparks

I Walk Alone

Alone. A word that describes many in this world, most looking for love or something cheesy like that.

A word that, in fact, describes me, but not in the way you think.

Alone I walk, alone I stand, alone I battle. I am alone. Alone, stuck without anybody, or anything, to be there for me.

Alone. It's a term I've become used to.

It's a term I've adapted to.

It's a word I simply live by, like a royal guard to a king's word every day. Every single tiresome, lonely minute that ticks by.

Friends? Never heard of that. Just me and myself, alone. Alone to my thoughts, just like I've always been every single day of my tedious, dull, humdrum life.

What? Being alone is bad? I should try to stop being so alone? Please, save it. I've been alone since the day I was born, left outside of an orphanage by my own mother and father. Hell, they left a note saying I was an abomination and they could care less if I were left to freeze outside.

Loving, aren't they?

Isolated by the other kids like a wolf pack does to an injured member, I thrived, well, alone. Just like it's always been. The same thing that will never change, even if I try.

Sure, you could say I became the protege for a princess. Sure, I practically excelled at life from then on. Sure, I was living 'the good life'.

But guess what?

I slipped up. The 'perfect little girl' made a mistake, and her life was thrown out the window. It all flew away, like a pretty little bird finally let out of its cage.

And alone truly became my life. Alone became my everything from then on, and I marched off into the abyss I knew I'd never leave. All because of... well, I guess you could say because of me. And you could say I could've fought off the loneliness, got friends, whatever. But what use is there in fighting destiny? It's like trying to change your cutie mark.

My name is Sunset Shimmer, and I'm about to die.

Or so I thought.

The magical laser then hit me just as I escaped my pondering of life, and everything went dark as I stumbled backwards and fell. But instead of then seeing the gates of Hell waiting for me just as I did so, I instead was greeted with nothingness, driving me to look around, perplexed. Where was my sealed fate of torture?

Yet as I tilted my head, I saw that nothing was really around me though, just. . . black. My eyes then darted around frantically as panic began to well up in my stomach, only to be rewarded with more sickening black. Was there nothing but black in this place? Was this my torture?

Breathing heavy with my eyes wide open, I craned my head over to look behind myself, seeing that the blackness was indeed everywhere as I had suspected. And I was seemingly floating, though it felt as if I were underwater and sinking to the bottom.

Arms shaking as I outstretched them, I tested the 'air' around me, feeling nothing as I clasped my hands into fists.

Is this what's it like to be dead!?

Yet as my panic began to become to the point where I was choking on my own, fast paced breaths, another thought came to me: Panicking wasn't going to help. Logical thinking was.

Putting my head back in its natural position and sighing as I forced myself to calm down with shorter paced breaths, I folded my arms and wondered just why the 'rainbow beam of friendship and death', as I now called it, even put me here in the first place. Maybe it could somehow help me find an escape. Unless, of course, I had died. Then I'm screwed.

Was it for me to reminisce about my past mistakes? Because I've already decided what I did was bad, and I'll apologize to everyone I've hurt if I ever leave this place. Boom, that's out of the picture. Maybe it knocked me into a coma, but wouldn't I hear voices or something? Pretty sure I read that somewhere online. And I know I don't have friends, but still-- doctors 'n stuff.

Unless they left me there, to shrivel up and die like I'm supposed too.

Shaking the thought off, another theory was that the death ray of sunshine killed me, and now this was where I would stay for all of eternity. Like, maybe it was a reserved place in Hell, designed to make me go crazy as I floated around the nothingness. Seems legit to me.

Yet then again, it left me in my body with clothes. Pretty sure that the Devil would take away those things just to make me go even more insane... Right?

I honestly don't know.

Growling and grinding my teeth together, I tried to move forward, only to flail about helplessly as I began to do flips indefinitely. The watery feeling then changed to that of falling, the pushed back panic coming up again.

"Oh, come ON!" I yelled into the abyss, expecting no answer as I continued to vent out my rage. Alright, I'll admit it- I'm not exactly a clean woman. I've done some pretty terrible things, and I deserve whatever this is supposed to be. But still-- this was kinda cruel, to flip around with what felt like a never ending panic.

"Yeah, this is kinda cruel. Maybe I should've just teleported you straight into the flashback," a voice mumbled.

"W-what? Who's there!?" I shouted out as I continued to spiral out of control, seeing no figure among the dark. Great, now my fear had even more reason. "Show yourself!"

"Quite bossy, I see. Allow me to introduce myself."

Suddenly I felt something cold and sharp press down against her head, stopping the spiraling instantly. Letting out a relieved sigh as I once again returned to being still, I looked forward to my savior, only to find my body freeze up as I choked out what I wanted to be a name.

"D-d-d-d-d-d-d--"

"Discord, dear. D.I.S.C.O.R.D. Or rather,"that guy who doesn't have bacon for hair like you do"."

"But, why are you- why does everybody say my hair looks like bacon!?" Yeah, I was scared, but frustration for me overpowers everything else.

"Because it does. Seriously, consider dying that or something. Nearly ate it myself when I first encountered you lying in that crater unconscious."

"But... why... how... what."

Discord responded to my confusion with a small chuckle, proceeding to lay a talon on my nose and say "boop". I in turn grabbed his arm and pushed it away, shuddering as I did so. Discord was just... creepy.

Oh sweet Celestia, what was going on?

Was this my torture?

"My dear little sun, now is not the time for questions. I am here on a friendship mission for Celestia, simple as that. So come along, and we'll start this little adventure of ours!"

He then placed his eagle talons together with a sly grin, ready to take me to wherever, but I stopped him with something that I guess could be called a scream.

"WAIT! I just would like one question answered!"

Groaning, Discord pulled his talons away from each other and put it on his hip along with his lion paw, saying,"Alright. But I am a very busy chaos maker, and cannot stay here for to long, so make it quick!"

He then clapped his 'hands', as I settled on calling them, a flash of white engulfing the darkness of the void before it came rushing back, revealing that we were now sitting in on big, brown chairs. It felt off for a moment, gravity suddenly returning as I sat for what seemed like the first time in years, but I eventually adapted to it. Then rolling my eyes as I noticed that Discord was dressed up like a therapist, glasses and everything, I paused for a moment and thought carefully of what to say before speaking.

"Why?" I bluntly asked.

"Come again?" he said with the slightest hint of puzzlement in his voice, adjusting his glasses and looking up from the paper he was now writing on. "You need to be more specific, dear. This is an evaluation of your mental health, after all."

I didn't even bother with face palming or anything as I spoke up again.

"Just... why? Why are you... doing... this!" I then gestured to the void around me as I tried to make sense of the whole situation. Smirking slyly like before, he teleported the ridiculous getup he had on away, along with the chairs we had been sitting on. Yet again the sensation of weightlessness came onto me at full force, and I had to kick around desperately to adjust to the floating again.

"Dear Sunset, you've gestured to everything. And like I've said before-- this is for Celestia. You see, one night when I was aimlessly wandering about Celestia and Luna's castle, trying to figure out just why Rarity's butt always has glitter on it, I heard sobs coming from her chambers. Being the good friend I am, I walked in, forced hot chocolate down her throat, and asked what was wrong.

"She then yelled at me about nearly choking, but we quickly made up and Celestia explained that she was worried about Sunset Shimmer, aka you. She was worried that the hatred that had resulted in her neglecting you like she once had her sister all those years ago still resided in your heart, and that Twilight may not be able to restore you with the elements, and may have to resort to... more brutal ways of taking you down..."

I didn't need to hear much more to get where he was going with this as I nodded. Celestia still had feelings for me like a mother would to a daughter, and she feared that I had grown hateful to the point where execution would be the only method in saving the world I was now in. I should've known she wouldn't accept me for who I am and get over me.

"Anyways, I then decided to check up you myself, to see if the elements restored you--"

"And they have," I finished. I know I'm good now, and I don't need Discord telling me so.

"Not really."

If my jaw could fall off, it would be long gone by now. What did he mean!? I get it now, what I did was wrong! What more did I need to learn? Did I have to take a freakin' friendship exam or something?

Seeing me trying to wrap her head around his accusation, Discord was swift to explain his reasoning.

"You see, you know what you did was wrong, but... you still don't really know."

I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Sunset Shimmer, you... basically learned that your plan was far to complicated to ever work. You'll probably just come up with a simpler way to take the element and get world domination or whatever you kids want these days. Tartarus, you may just kill Twilight and get on with it!"

I opened my mouth to protest, only to have it close again as my mind began to think. Discord was... right. Though I don't like admitting it, he does have a point. I know what I did was wrong, but do I feel sorry for doing it? Will any apologies I say be sincere?

No.

I'm a loner, and loners aren't the understanding type.

"Anyways, I am here to truly show your the error of you ways, send you back knowing that you will never be evil again, cheer up Celestia, and seduce Twilight Sparkle."

Ignoring his last few words, I began to speak.

"But..."

"Yes?"

I breathed in, not believing what I was about to say.

"What if I don't want to be good?"

Comments

[Jman14102]

Hmm, I like where this is going...

[TheCrystalKing]

Quite the story so far. Perfect pacing, amazing insight, and lovely grammar.

[Csquared08]

Lots o' typos

wondered just why the 'rainbow beam of friendship and death', and I now called it,

*as

Maybe It knocked me into a coma

*it

but still- doctors 'n stuff.

Use the em dash (—), not a hyphen. You did this multiple times.

You need to be more specific dear, this is a evaluation of your mental health

First, direct addresses need to be set off by commas, so you should have a comma after 'specific.' Second, the comma that you do have is a comma splice.

basically learned that your plan was far to complicated to ever work

*too

and get on with it!...

If the dialogue ends in an exclamation point or a question mark, there's no need for an ellipsis.

I am here to truly show you the error of you ways

*your

Interesting use of Discord. Curious to see where this goes.

[IncinerateChicken]

Well, this was certainly psychological. Maybe it'd be best if you didn't continue. Not in the since of "stawp riteing fgt", but as in "This is all the story needs."

[Inhumanity]

More

[Unbridled Dolly]

I like this! Keep it up!

[Sunglasses Indoors]

Surprise! You got reviewed!

---

This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews

Ah, “Pray”. Are you sure you didn’t mean “Prey”, as in “I fell prey to my self-loathing and insecurities”, because that’s the vibe I get when I see the word “Pray” surrounded by rectangles sporting team jerseys. You have depressing pink, angry-face red, boring brown, and the ever-innocuous grey one, as if you’re worried about the headcanon you have safely nestled between installments. Combine that with the picture of a crying, half-demonic Sunset Shimmer to serve as the ferryman on your trip to fan-fiction hell, and the name of the ride, “I Walk Alone”, which only serves to remind me of Green Day (which, in turn, reminds me of Nickelback), and you have the perfect recipe for critic gold. Mix in a pot, bring to a low boil, simmer for two-thousand words, serve hot. Make sure you’ve mixed in an adequate amount of angst, or the fan-fiction will taste chewy and cartoonish, with a slight hint of ‘parody’.

Still, it wasn’t all bad. Comparable to spending the weekend with your step-mother. It was bad, yes, but survivable. Plus, I got this neat trilby for reading it all the way through!

The plot is everything you’d expect from the title and tags, nothing more and nothing less. Sunset Shimmer is feeling a bit salty after events that I haven’t had the pleasure to witness myself. Abandoned like an unwanted puppy at an unspecified age, Sunset grew up with nothing but vitriolic animosity for her peers, and a slight craving for the table scraps they didn’t eat. She lived, as even Potato-head Jerry would have guessed, alone. Apparently, she came to enjoy the solitude, not unlike I came to enjoy the solitude I had when I still lived in my mother’s basement.

Details about her past were scarce; almost as if the author wrote a big, blank space into the story and labeled it “Make Your Own: Sad Backstory”. The author, via Sunset Shimmer, will moan inconsequentially for roughly three-hundred and forty-six words before the real story begins. Now, I’m not an author. Just kidding; I am. If you want people to take your setup seriously, you do not use the phrase “I am ‘X’ and I’m going to ‘Y’. Or so I thought.” under any circumstances. Yes, it’s a cheap way to up the ante, but like anything cheap, it’ll fall apart the second you give it a rough stare.

Let me get this off my chest first: this story has no pacing whatsoever. There is progression, but it jerks like a blind, arthritic prostitute found the controls for the carousel. It takes three paragraphs of moaning and whining to get into the story proper. It takes Sunset Shimmer two sentences to wind up in purgatory. She gets hit with a ‘magical laser’ - presumably the Elements of Harmony she worked so hard to obtain during her debut - and suddenly ‘everything went black’. It’s not a trope per-se, but I like to call this the “Waiting Room”. The Waiting Room is a place where protagonists go after being defeated, but are still needed for the story because the author isn’t quite as imaginative as he/she thought. It’s a cop-out, really, for an otherwise fatal situation. It’s also where protagonists usually end up when they need a recoup from doing protagonist stuff, like growing as an individual or learning a life lesson.

Normally, I would just pass on to the next interesting morsel, but something caught my eye. Paragraph twenty-seven, second sentence, word five. “Devil”? Oh really, now? In an alternate pony-world, where pony-world is an idealistic expression of our world (like a photocopy of a photocopy, but with two ‘horse’ filters being applied), when did they say that the “Devil” existed? Sure, it could have just been an expression of sorts. “Devil” might be equivalent to some kind of pony-myth, like Pony-Thor and the Pony-Thunderbird. But it’s capitalized, which implies a proper noun. So, in Pony-world’s Human-world, where cities are named something like Anthropolis and Hand-ville, there exists a tiny fragment of Real-world Christian teachings. Interesting, that. Too bad it bloody well can’t get explained!

After spending some time in the Waiting Room, human-Sunset gets to meet draconequus-Discord. And, as one typically does, the first question she asks of the entity that brought her here is “why does everyone say my hair looks like bacon?”. Granted, she does make an effort to sound spooked, like the pony she’s supposed to be, but it doesn’t last nearly long enough. Or maybe she’s just remarkably self-conscious about how tasty and fattening her hair is.

To make a short and very boring story shorter, Discord is an emissary of Celestia, sent to make sure that Sunset isn’t still mad after the nondescript “sad backstory” we opened with. He does his usual “I can bend reality to my will” gimmick a few times during the conversation, but it felt more like a sticker that was slapped onto the character, rather than an innate part of his being. Those instances were short and not well incorporated, like some of my body parts during intercourse.

All this build-up, and we’ve finally reached the million-dollar question. Throughout the story, Sunset Shimmer has been very passive-aggressive about how her crippling loneliness is affecting her ability to function in a high-friendship space. It’s implied that the Elements restored her. But not so fast, readers! If that had happened, we wouldn’t get to cap the story with more pointless moral drama! Through the dull very enlightening and boring ingenious conversation to follow, we discover that, of course! Sunset Shimmer wasn’t cured of her morbid depression afterall! We also learn that Discord is here to “show her the error of her ways”, and “ensure she’ll never be evil again”. Sounds to me like a cult indoctrination, or the setup to a poorly-written ‘adult movie’.

But about the million-dollar question. After all this, Sunset Shimmer caps the story by asking “What if I don’t want to be good?” Well, what if? I might’ve said ‘too bad’, if the premise hadn’t been interesting enough to spark my intrigue. Here we have a perfectly redeemable villain who seems to be genuinely repentant, but doesn’t want to be a ‘good guy’. I feel that this was a missed opportunity to explore the depth of this created Sunset Shimmer, as the story cuts off immediately after she asks the question. So, instead of an interesting romp through the psyche of the franchise's more interesting villain-turned-hero’s, we get a lame story with an obvious premise that comes off as pretentious above all else.

Now, usually, I’m all for these pseudo-philosophical romps through the human condition. But, as the title implies, this isn’t one of those romps. This is you, sitting at a computer, having a character’s condition force-fed to you. Sunset Shimmer starts the story being miserable, she’s miserable in the middle, and by the time she reaches the end, she’s only slightly less miserable. She doesn’t develop as a character, and you really don’t do anything with her except make her wallow in self-pity for two-thousand words. Then, in the ending, where you could have capitalized on a chance to explore this character you made, you cut it off after a moody platitude. It almost feels like you wanted the reader to finish your story. “Here’s a scenario,” you said, “now give me an ending.” Well, I’ve never been bothered by skimping on the classwork, and this sounds awfully reminiscent of something my old English teacher used to pull. But here’s my question for you, author: what if I want you to finish your story?

[SapphireSparks]

6597946 This story is so old I'm surprised it's still even getting likes every now and then. Trust me, my current works are much better, but I have yet to post something new on this account. I use this one more for art. This story was awful and I only leave it up so I have something to compare my new work too.

[Sunglasses Indoors]

6597983
Well, more's the pity I guess. Nobody ever tells me what the bloody hell is going on: just that we need to clear the backlog. This one's done, then, and better that I didn't have to step on anybody's toes.

But now I have a question, if you don't mind: I noticed a few deleted comments authored by Dark Avenger, from all the way back in February. I was going to ask him/her what they were about, but it'd probably be more expedient to ask you. Were those failed reviews from back in the day, or something else?

[SapphireSparks]

6598003 It's still nice for this review to remind me of what not to do! I'm thankful for it; trust me.

As for Dark Avenger, I think that might've been a review trade I never followed through on because of some personal issues at the time.

[Sunglasses Indoors]

6598022
Ah. Alright then. Well, enjoy the review!