Being close friends with the Elements, Crimson is always having a good time. But he has a dark side: He's killed ponies all over the country. He hasn't told a soul, keeping it a secret. He hopes one day, he could tell them and they won't lock him up. And now he's about to see that he's not the only one hiding something. Will this be the end for his friendship or a new beginning of one?
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This is my first story. So give me a break if it's not that good..
Also thanks to Ryuku The Creative for prof reading my story. Check him out, he's got good stories as well.
Chapters (1)
5484556 that's the point.
TENOUTATEN!!!!!
Aside from typos that'll throw your readers off (for example Ponyvill instead of Ponyville) the story is off to an interesting start
Okay Gore/dark fics are not the best to start out with but I feel really deep for this story, I really do it. I feel if you fix a few things it can work! First is the first paragraph.
That sentence is too clunky. He doesn't live in Ponyville so I would be "On the outskirts of a little town called Ponyville." Also Ponyville not Ponyvill.
Now his name, sorry but it's not very original a black and grey Pegasus that is named Shadow Crimson. At that point many people would just stop readying some people are thick like that. Try to come up with a name that fits him, ponies in mlp are named after what they do or look like. So what is his job? he can't just be living off the kindness of strangers right? What is his Cutie mark? He is a killer I take it, right? So Hidden Blade could be his real name and he has a fake one so ponies don't get start wondering. Or if you really want to keep his name just switch it to Crimson Shadow because Crimson is a color and it makes is sound and flow much better.
Next is the cat like eyes, last pony I heard of with those was Nightmare Moon. So knowing ponies who freaked out over somepony in a hood would definitely get worried in the least.
But I do know of a way to keep what he looks like, you want a dark pegasus with cat eyes. Done, just make him a bat pony, sure he has bat wings but the colors would match and the eyes, and his name could be Shadow Eye then.
Argumentative not argumentive. Encountered not incountered.
As well you broke one of the first rules of writing here. It's called the show don't tell rule. Instead of just going out and telling the reader his personality, show us. Same with Rainbow Dash. Also don't be afraid to a fluff to the righting not all of it has to be just plot. A Story with just plot is like a person with no skin or muscles. Here is how this could have gone.
"Start" "Crimson Shadow left his house, and began to walk down a path that went along the outskirts of Ponyville, on his way a cyan projectile rammed into him.
"$#!T" Cried the Batpony as he hit the dirt path.
A ruff female voice laugh and said happily, "GOT YOU! I WIN!!!"
Getting to his hooves Crimson glared at the intruder of his personal space. "Rainbow dash how dare you!" He seethed, "I was just WALKING and here you come in and BLINDSIDE ME!!!" He shouted.
The rainbow maned mare snorted, "Ha what's wrong can't take a challenge?"
"Oh I would just love to give you a bloody nose right now but..." He began sounding sarcastic. "I'm visiting a much more mellowed friend."
This perked the mare curiosity. "Wait who? and mellow? You act mellow? Like drink tea and stuff?"
"Yes of course I drink tea. Who doesn't like tea?"
"I don't. Never did."
"You disgust me." He said, half lying.
"Yeah yeah, I'm an arrogant air head, You really need to come up with new come backs."
Gritting his teeth and started walking on his way.
"HEY wait up," Rainbow began to fly just above him. "so uh..." she began to rub the back of her head. "Sorry K? I didn't mean to make you mad." She held out a hoof. "Still friends?"
Shadow looked between the hoof and Rainbow, giving a sigh he shook her hoof "I can't stay mad at you." He said with a shadow of a smile.
"So where are you going?"
"Fluttershy's house."
"Really me too. Got to deliver this milk she asked me to get then I've got to go to work." She said happily, then her smile faded "Pony feathers, I'm going to be late! Can you take this to her I got to get going!" She held out the milk to Shadow.
Sighing once again he took the milk and kept walking with out saying a word.
"Thanks!" Rainbow said be for she took off "stop"
She how much better that is? That little conversation added 301 words to your 34 words. It show us what he's like, what he likes and he is friends with two ponies as well it set up were the story is going to go to. If you were just a reader witch one would you rather read?
Next is you flat out said in the description that he was friends with the elements of harmony. But you were tiring to be secretive about the killer part, but in the story you flat out say he's looking for his next victim, you can't just through that out there like no big deal. But back to him being friends with the elements, That can be good, but me personal I think that having conflicts between characters would be nice, like Apple Jack doesn't like him and always suspects he's up to something.
But a lot of people would root for AJ if you keep the character the way he is. People when reading this what to know why should they care about this pony? So if you add 'fluff' like I said that gives the character more depth.
Now to this...
Okay see this have two really good things in it, saying he forgot to return a book it great everybody forgets things but you say this with no context. Say "As Crimson entered Ponyville he accidently tripped and he hit the ground, hard. rubbing his head he say a thick hard covered book must of fell out of his saddlebag, then he remembered it was a week over due!" This is so it's not like 'opps I forgot this', and it also shows that he had the book on him and it didn't just pop out of no were.
This paragraph also shows he care about children, a murder with morals are so much fun because, people like good morals if he was just a stone cold killer that makes a better villain than a hero. Lets say a killer that kills other killers and never the innocents or children. People would like that. Or have it when he teams up with Pinkie he likes it but when she tries to kill one of his friends(Rainbow dash) he stops her, and maybe Rainbow tells and since Pinkies an element she gets help but then Crimson is wanted.
So after his morals he finds Angel, To be honest I didn't like this part. It was cheesy and had a little romance. First off this is a gore/dark story if you want romance then put the tilde in. Second Angel is an asshole to everyone besides Fluttershy and he is extremely stubborn. You could have it that Angel is caring for Fluttershy and Crimson finds then taking over. Honestly if you want him and Flutter shy to fall for each other, kindness and a killer, is actually real cool! but it's just how you present it.
That's now bad it shows that Fluttershy is very caring.
You don't say? Flutters. It's already clear that it is kind of him to do that, you don't need to say it. Show don't tell, you almost had it.
ugh!... sorry it just that line... made me cringe, it shows all to clearly that they are going to be shipped together. As well the line was forced, she said that he was kind, so it was uncalled for him to say that.
With that done this part was okay.
It show he has a job, but what is it? "Hard work?" that is really vague. You also say he checks up on Fluttershy? You want us to care about her so have them talk or if she is passed out have him leave a note say "Fluttershy I checked up on you to see if you were okay. ~Crimson Shadow" But she did get up so she is not dead at least but when he heads up to see her BAM!!! he wants to kill someone!
Someone get the license plate of the bus that just kit me! Like what happened he goes to see if his friends is okay and then he just wants to kill someone? It was way too rushed!
Then Pinkie Knocks him out when he is going to kill someone...
All in all the story is not that good, but if you try some of the things I've say you could fix it! just edit the first chapter. Make Shadow Crimson not a bad OC seriously just make him a bat pony and switch his first and last name it would be fine. Then add 'Fluff' to the story it makes every thing in it so much better. As well read others peoples story's see how they write it helps, it helped me. Good characters, plot, and story can make up for a little bit of rushing in a story, but this is way to rushed. Also you MUST learn to show not tell! If you do this I know you can make a great story.
5484824 thank you very much for the feedback I actually never thought of the bat pony idea. And "fluff", I'll try it and see where it gets me
5484848 No problem you have a great idea here! I'm just glad to help were I can. My first story had a ton of errors and the like. But people were there and told be what I did wrong and what I could do to make it better, one guy told me to add 'fluff' now I'm telling you. Now my newest story has 200 likes, and I hope yours will have double! Good luck and this is worth my like and favorite.
5484824
Pretty much nailed it.
There are a lot of errors to work through.
5484915 encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQskdn5-S_3w4kImSOiQTt_OUHpj2M15LzFIOqUiRdbZpIAR-sihg I couldn't help it and I regret nothing.
5484942
i.imgur.com/9FOhF.gif
5484964 you can speak my native tongue, the gif?
38.media.tumblr.com/335841f83875c16e98a4d9b3e18e527e/tumblr_mf89qwKWRp1qmt85zo2_400.gif lol
5485028
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5485038 Was it this scary?
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5485077
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No, I will not give you a break. I clicked on this story because it looked interesting, and if it's not, I'm not going to just look the other way. Being an amateur doesn't give you a free pass to do horribly, it just means you're new, and can't be expected to be amazing yet.
What I will do, however, is point out any flaws I find, so that you can fix them, and learn from your own mistakes, and become a better writer.
5485099 On this story I just found someone who likes doctor who, Supernatural, and SpongeBob, made me laugh... and s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/76/eb/8c/76eb8c62f1b65802b6668b5a586b16be.jpg
have a good one. media.giphy.com/media/QLwWdG0FGm3O8/giphy.gif
“Ponyville” is spelled wrong
‘Alone’ implies ‘away from others’, making the two redundant, which is bad.
Don’t chop up sentences like this; it ruins flow and makes the story hard to focus on, not to mention being ludicrously telly and not very engaging.
She takes care of the local animals, *and* goes by the name of Fluttershy.
You never said where he was going, you misspelled “encountered”, and that’s also a tense slip.
Good story but you need to get a proof reader. Angel is a he and dont space when using "" for instance Dark smiled and said, "Well hello my dear." Other than punctuation and slight grammer you need to work on your pacing. The story seems extremely rushed. To fix that all you have to do is add detail. Make the landscape come to life if you will. Other than that it was a good first time. If you want to see how bad i am at these things just read my first story ps. Its terrible lol.
And i ment my story was terrible not yours.
This story reminds me of this picture...
...WARNING! (This photo is NOT for the weak stomach.)
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5486078
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5486078 two things.
One: how did you know I hate anything with the eyeeye?
Two: you are just rude.
I could not continue to read this story, it's almost painfull to try and enjoy it. 3/10
5487490
Hey, atleast I put a Warning. Should'a read it.
I won't say the obvious thing of grammar or proofreading. It's hard to find anybody available for that task. I could help if you want though I'm no expert on it. Overall I think it's a good creepy start for your story. I would definitely love to see where this story goes, I just love disturbing stories
5496774 thanks and I send parts needing proofread to you.
5497929 Alrighty
Much better, I'll be watching you though. :)
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5486078 that's disgusting!
I see potential, sadly enough I see some mistakes too.
>Ponyville, I think that that is also the canon name. Just saying.
...His name is Crimson Shadow is a black and grey bat pony with grey catlike eyes and black wings....
>You use 'is' twice. I would change that sentence. Also, most of the community uses the term 'batpony' (unless he is something else, but to me it sounds as if he were a batpony)
...visiting a friend.A yellow mare who take...
>There has to be a space between the dot and 'A'.
...who take care of the local animals in Ponyvill ...
>Who takes. The rest of that sentence is also a bit confusing.
...Deciding to walk today, Crimson notice a faint sound he couldn't tell what it was though but it was getting louder...
>He decided to take a walk?
>He noticed a faint sound. But he wasn't able to make out what it was until it hit him the face.
..."%#&@" yelled Crimson...
>Just a personal note, I would let him curse. Something like: "What the buck?!" or "What the hay?!"
These are just some small things I would change. Good luck with your story, I hope it will be as awesome as you intend it to be