- Member Since 27th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Silver Octave
There's a fine line between magic and technology. We must explore these together and then find union in knowing we all belong. Whether you are of this world or beyond. Everyone can be a friend. -Me
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Not all that bad. Short, to the point, and a nice sex scene. Sure there were some grammar errors, but they are easily looked over.
This is nice. I loved the clop. Dayum.
Im no editor, just some guy who tries to write... but here's a suggestion: type your story into Microsoft word, spellcheck it, copy and paste. Done. No typos. I dont like typos. Im sure you dont to.
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"You don't too"
5393931 hehe, typos. Sorry....
Damn, it's always the quiet ones. Anon's personality seemed to do a total 180 back there and there are quite a few typo's here and there! but for a first time piece it's very nice.
A bit cliche at points, but over all? Fantastic work. Nicely done for your first clop-fic!
5395268
Tried to add humor
I've read a lot of clops and for a first time clop story it was excellent
5395277
Yes... its old cliches so it does work. there are still some spelling mistakes, you might want to go over.
5393931
(Don't take this too poorly, I felt the sudden urge to nitpick)
Dangling participle, consider revising.
And that's only the first paragraph.
Proof that anyone can succeed if they just write clop.
*Savior
Also, if that's the title you get for saving Blueblood, imagine what Twilight's title must be:
"Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, Eternal Guardian of Equestria and Exalted Bearer of the Element of Magic"!
You know if Anon's a human you should add the human tag to the story.
5396558
I don't have the privilege to write on my computer so it's really hard to pick out each mistake one by one. Which is why I'm looking for an editor who can. I write on my Kindle for a couple hours at a time so it's even harder to find simple grammar errors.
I'm definitely not into the time commitment required to be an editor, but I've got some pointers for you, since you asked for constructive help.
1) SLOW DOWN. I know it's hard when you're writing on a device that isn't built for writing like a computer is (I've done a few riffs on my phone, and I'm never satisfied with my work on a second look for that reason), but the effort you put into the writing doesn't translate into the reading. You're just rushing too much. Let the pace flow, build scenes out more.
2) 5 senses. Use 'em. Don't make your fic into a bulletpoint list of actions. Give us some emotions, too. That will let us put ourselves in the mind of the main character, and using your senses to describe the scene will let us put ourselves in his place, too. That's called immersion, and there's nothing more important to a good story than that, IMO.
3) Mary Sue all over the fuggin' place. Nobody likes a character who just solves everything by existing. Your main character has apparently been knighted as a savior of the entire damn world off-screen (never a good start unless you're one HELL of a writer and can justify it), solves numerous insignificant issues with a minimum of effort and without any sort of resistance, and simply attracts the love of the significant other like a light attracts moths. Part of this is due to the pacing. A Mary Sue can almost always be un-Sue'd simply by going slower and pacing out the scenes that set up his or her character, giving the unbelievable more time to grow naturally and be accepted by the readers.
4) First date fucking/Sex Equals Love. Boo. Boo, I say. Maybe this one's just personal to me, but this is a cliche to end all cliches. Discarding that, though, it's shallow and emotionless. It literally implies that the two characters have extremely minimal emotional connection, and I don't care how skilled or experienced you are, that kind of sex just isn't as good. It just isn't. Sex is not love, it grows OUT of love as a natural course. That being said, give us the WHY. Why are these two so eager to jump each other? Why would they even think of each other first? What connects them? How do they enjoy each other's company and companionship that leads them to intimacy?
I hate to toot my own horn (no innuendo intended), but I wrote a more lengthy blog post about this sort of thing. Take a look if you like. Your writing is definitely not bad. Not great, but some of that can be chalked up to the fact that you need to learn to overcome your writing device. I don't envy you that situation, for sure. I hate trying to write on a touchscreen device. But that being said, I think your work will improve dramatically if you go into your story with a plan. You've definitely got the potential and the talent, so keep working on it!
I didn't read the story but here's a thumbs up for that glorious pun. I mean, there's no fat on that joke. You literally need every word and that picture for it to work. It's definitely the best mother fucking joke that I've heard all day! And I hear a lot of jokes in my daily life. Such is life with young children and a posse of racist friends.
Oh...
I'm uncertain how to go about this kindly, so forgive me if i'm blunt, but this... Wasn't quite good. Not only with the need for an editor, the story itself was flawed. It's a bit rushed, and Anon freaks out at the dumbest things. He accidentally says something that could be misconstrued and doesn't do what a considerably normal person would do (say sorry and continue eating); instead, his cheese slips off his cracker and runs away. Then, not only that, but as a means of apology, goes and grabs some really rare flower to present to her. Seems far too over the top, no? No real backstory, and what exists of a backstory is quickly glossed over (again, pretty rushed). Even when it got to the sex scene, I stopped reading as I skimmed through and saw the lazy excuse for dialogue. "I wish I had fingers, cause then these abs would be sexier"? Then treating her as a sort of sentient horse slave pet? I mean, I get if that's what you're into, but first-time sex between people is usually pretty vanilla unless they've discussed their fantasies otherwise beforehand.
pretty good. makes me want to see celestia on top.
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Oh, but wait my friend. I updated the small details of the story. Check out who's added..
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No, seriously:
th01.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2010/215/6/9/TABLE_FLIP_by_robogeek43.jpg#Table%20flip%20973x821
WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!
I'm surprised I didn't know you had this as well, Silver. Nice job.
Will you ever continue/finish this?
8522530
It wasn't really a thought of mine to continue this. With my ability to write greatly diminished because I only have a phone now, writing has become something that can wait.
I want to continue what I have now and release something I've been working on since I joined the fandom. Thanks for reading though.
Well, that escalated quickly.
Other than being a method of banishing an evil spirit from Princess Luna, how effective is Equestria's space program?