- Member Since 9th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 27th, 2020
thechicken95
trying to be a voice of reason one comment at a time
thechicken95
Joined 9th Jul, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Doctor Perseus · 8.6k words · 1,189 18 · 23k views
- RainbowFlash96 · 26k words · 132 19 · 5.4k views
- Meulin Leijon · 3.6k words · 22 0 · 880 views
- Thunderscourge · 545k words · 913 70 · 25k views
- Wolokai · 41k words · 336 21 · 11k views
- ANearPerfectStudent · 2.4k words · 51 2 · 2.1k views
- Synthetic Soul · 30k words · 615 100 · 20k views
- Rated Ponystar · 26k words · 550 21 · 13k views
Featured In9
The Writers' Group56,341 stories ·9,285 members
- Struggling Authors25,148 stories ·3,670 members
American Bronies3,785 stories ·1,062 members
School for New Writers9,608 stories ·5,008 members
I Just Want a Comment15,687 stories ·3,667 members
Mentally Deficient Authors1,407 stories ·630 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,180 stories ·5,454 members
Rage Reviews!1,082 stories ·1,628 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.063 seconds
Total duration
931 users online
1,333,838 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Before starting: I'm assuming this story takes place in a much more violent universe with (obviously) different timeline.
That being said, the pace of plot feels to rushed in my opinion. The emotional moments are not drawn out as much as a sad story would need. As a reader i just don't have enough insight of the the character. To show the feelings needed in a tragedy is a huge challenge and I think you need a bit more practice to accomplish it. Picture yourself in a tragic situation, maybe that would help to find the right words. Another way would be to read some more sad stories yourself. (I can only recommend "Background Pony", if you haven't already read that. Don't know any more good sad-fics.)
Furthermore I found two personal inconsistencies. The first being Celestias hesitation, when she is addressed by Luna in the beginning: She feels as Twilight is like her daughter, but stills worries about the project? The second one is her tear of joy: I assume, she is forged a bit tougher being some thousand years old and living in a violent world with death sentence. (That could only be my opinion though.)
For your technical writing skills I don't have that much, as I am not so confident in grammar and spelling. But you may want to take a look at these: It makes for a more comfortable reading, if you don't use the same words in a short timespan.
Also I think this is a little tipping mistake:
At last it would be helpful, if you would make a more visible break between time and scene cuts. That helps keeping pace with your story. Additionally it would be good to put a short explanation into the discription, concerning the differences in your universe.
For the end: I'm sorry that this got so long. If you consider ever rewriting this story, give me a note and I will track along. I would be interested to read the new version.
So long and have fun writing,
Realrobse
5397411 You bring up some very good points! I know I'm not the best with pacing out my stories right now, and this definitly could have used another draft or two. I guess that's what I get for putting it up right before I go to work lol. Should have done just a rough outline instead of the actual story.