A worried question from Twilight Sparkle reveals one of Equestria's best-hidden secrets, one that no pony could possibly imagine.
After all, a truth that turns all of Equestrian history upside down is not to be trifled with.
But maybe Celestia hasn't learned her lesson.
Story edited by the fabulous bobdat.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Whoa... I'm nearly at a complete loss for words.
Thanks for writing!
Apart from a few spelling mistakes you'll need to watch out for the layout of the document. It's a tad confusing.
A study with windows facing west? Sub-optimal if you want light.
Also, I think you're overusing semicolons.
The story is compelling though. That's a good sign and very important in the first chapter.
The indents are all over the place. Is that just my computer or is it appearing that way to other people?
This was weird, but not bad when it comes to forming a headcanon to the existence of Equestria.
Discussing perfection is a good point, as mlp is seen as perfect, while imperfection is what makes it interesting. Stil, it's difficult to completely see your point. I mean:
"And sadly, ponies are inherently evil."
It is kind of hard to understand that part, for example, because saying they are evil doesn't explain what the consequences of them being evil are. You seem to say it shows in the foes that appear here and there, but this is a notion very hard for a human mind to grasp. I mean, a living being that would be inherently evil but doesn't act evil and only causes evil things to appear around sounds more like a cursed living being than an evil one, because the link between the actions of the living being and the evil isn't a direct one.
It was very hard for me at least.
I think the most interesting part of the whole story are those two lines:
""Don't you remember all those friendship reports?"
"I do, Twilight. But I also remember all the obstacles you had to overcome."
It asks, for what I understand, what comes first: the good to overcome potential obstacles, or the obstacles that create the good to overcome them. And then, of course, if good would exist without those obstacles. And then, the fact that, as those obstacles exist because of the inherent evil of the ponies, and those obstacles are the reason for good/friendship, logic would say that the inherent evil in ponies is actually the reason of the goodness and friendship's existence.
The chicken and the egg in a way...
As you can see, I enjoyed exploring your headcannon
.
One question though: why did you decide to make Twilight forget about the whole thing? I ask that, because I felt like it would have been good to let her go without saying what her final decision was on the subject, to either tell the truth or hide it, leaving it for the reader to decide. But at the same time, I feel like you needed for her to decide in the stories as a part of your headcannon:
"Princess Celestia; you've always told me to do the right thing."
And to sum up; the story wasn't perfect, but it was good nonetheless.
5416877
Nope, I see them too...
So if I'm getting this down correctly, the ponies we know and love are the result of a merged perfection and light mixed with a flawed evil darkness. So does this make ponies Nephalem?
1 Work some on the layout, sometimes it's hard to say who's saying what.
2 Second chapter could be more concise - like... 20% shorter.
3 With how many things from merely 1000 years ago she didn't know, Twilight has no right to lecture anypony on historical accuracy.
4 Don't we all wish Celestia was that effective when it actually mattered?
5 Wacky creation myth. I like. It reminds me of Mindblower's Dissonance (formerly Envy and Arrogance, currently stuck in rewrite)
EDIT: 6. I remember another thing the story made me think of: Snarl's backstory from Order of the Stick
5416877
5417002
In the words of Derpy, "I just don't know what went wrong!"
The story was written entirely in Google Docs, and copy-pasted into Fimfiction.
It looked fine on Google Docs, but now the formatting is all screwed up.
Is it extremely distracting?
5417791
Depends on how you interpret it.
Both the beings and the darkness seem to have been a mixture of good and bad, and the ponies were considered inferior.
But again, it's all in how you look at things. Ponies did amazing things with friendship, and the beings and darkness are generally portrayed as good and bad.
5418190
It is a little... mainly for grammar Nazis like me, though
5416882
Yay! Constructive criticism!
Thanks for it. It makes me better.
Now, onto the answers to your questions.
First of all, I don't have a headcannon. I accept things in the show as real, and think the rest is just interesting speculation.
That's what this story is.
Second, ponies may or may not be considered "inherently evil".
Remember how Twilight said the legend was highly biased?
Celestia was trying to tell it from the beings point of view, because she considers them perfect.
The beings thought that anything different was bad. They considered themselves the only pure things in a filthy world.
The darkness was strange, and it combined with them to form ponies, something radically different from anything that had come before. Therefore, the beings considered ponies evil.
They were the image of everything that they resented.
The beings could be wrong, or they could be right. It depends on what you consider the beings themselves to be; good or bad.
The reason I wrote this story was to try to show the fine line between good and bad, and if perfection really exits. Like you said, imperfection is the most interesting part of Equestria.
Finally, I decided to make Twilight forget the whole thing for a couple of reasons.
One of them was that it tied up loose ends. Otherwise, everyone would think, "But what about Luna? If Celestia can remember this stuff, why can't Luna?"
The second was just for realistic purposes. Twilight has learned in all of those friendship reports to do the right thing, even if it hurts. And she denounced the fake Cadance.
It seemed like Twilight would choose telling everything, and I don't think Celestia could bear that, or at least, the Celestia in this story couldn't bear that.
Sorry if I accidentally killed a potential cliffhanger.
Thanks for all of the feedback, and don't despair. I'll keep on improving, and one day I'll write a story you'll throughly enjoy!
5416863
I didn't think about the poor position, but you're right. However, like probably most of the rooms in the palace, there's a big chandilier.
Also, I don't think I've overused semicolons. My editor, bobdat, hunted down the army of semicolons I erring used.
Any mistakes are mine, and my failure to notice his editing.
Please point out any semicolons you thought shouldn't be there!
5418248
What do you suggest doing to fix the format a little?
5418351
I see what you did and how it impacts how I thought about your story. Also, as I said, it's very interesting to explore as a second layer of reading. What makes it hard to understand for a casual reader (first layer of reading) is the fact that we tend, as reader, to identify with the characters and take what they say as truth (because we don't have much more information to decide what is real and what isn't).
So, at first, we (at least I) instinctively accept that the beings were perfect when Celestia says they were without going much further.
My point is that if the content of your story is highly interesting, you could probably, in my opinion, find a way to help the reader go through that content, by giving him more hints to what you're trying to tell him. It could have been a subtle note from the narrator, (like this one:
but this one is sort of weird, because it shows that the perfect beings were actually as***les, but it is said directly by Celestia who insists on how perfect those beings are, so I personnally interpreted it as: "Snorting with contempt is considered perfect by Celestia".)
a slight doubt expressed from Celestia or a longer debate with Twilight (as Twilight gives the alternate perspective on the matter). Not an easy thing to do, I realize it, but there is potential in my eyes.
I actually wonder why. I mean, I would choose to say nothing because that's what I consider to be the right thing, because the other ponies do not need to know the truth, as is doesn't change how they should behave in their daily life. It has no impact anymore on the world they know.
It's possible. But at the same time, it would make for a great story. The ponies discover that Celestia considers them as "imperfect" and "lesser beings". How do they react? How would we react? They could go berserk, they could dethrone the princess, throw her in a dungeon in the middle of their wrath, and then judge her only to slowly realize that they shouldn't condemn her on opinions she inherited from her own culture, but on her actions and intentions toward the ponies.
It would make for a great lesson of understanding and tolerance, one we tend to forget all the time... ("what? that person thinks differently than I do? I cannot respect that person anymore...")
I actually already enjoyed that one. Keep on having fun
.
One thing both the Beings and Celestia seemed to fail to remember. The ponies are just as inherently good as they are inherently evil. The mistake is understandable of course, when comparing to perfection the bad points stand out much more than the good, weather there in equal measure or if the good outweighs the bad. In many ways having evil within makes being good that much more exceptional than being "perfect" to start with, I doubt the beings understand friendship at all, as they never needed to call upon it. it it possible to really understand or overcome evil if you have never felt it inside yourself?
5418429
I'm not entirely sure. You could probably go along selecting and deleting the indentations. Might take a while, of course, but I don't know if there's any magic button that can fix it.
This was rather interesting.
5602916
I decided to try something different. It wasn't very good, to be honest.
I think The Naming of The Queen is definitely my best work.
5603050
I think there's a lot of merit in here, though. I'll get to the other story at some point.
5603095
Thanks!
I do plan to revise it sometime in the future, though. It really does need some work.
What did you like/not like about it? Give me an honest review, I'm ready for it!
5603402
Okay.
Like other comments have mentioned, the indents went a little bit wonky and that does kill some of the pace while your eyes are readjusting all over the place. (And yes, you do go overkill on the semi-colons, too.)
I think you got Twilight and Princess Celestia spot-on in the opening chapter. The description of Twilight as an intelligent worrier is one of my most favourite phrases ever now.
The short, sharp sentences, and crisp descriptions, help keep things moving without getting unnecessarily bogged down. I think that's a rather nice stylistic touch, and almost gives you the sense of the rapid cuts in a thriller film.
All in all, it's a rather clever, neat little story.
5603421
Thanks.
Do you think I should fix all the indents, or just go indentless, like in this comment?
Which style is better, do you think?
5603449
It's up to you. I have a preference for indents, but that's mostly 'cause I also do a lot of novel writing. Some people argue that double-spaced paragraphs are the best way to go for internet-viewing.
5603464
Does Fimfiction have an indent button?
5603518
There are indent and outdent options in the chapter editor.
5603531
Oh. Wow. I never knew.
Thanks! Now I can try and fix the poor formatting.
5603541
Good luck.