Carolin' With Discord

by Kieva Lynn

Carolin' Time

Author's Note:

The dark tag is there for a reason folks. This story is NOT for kids, especially Screwball's song. (Sweet mercy Screwball's song... Knowing that I wrote it actually makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me...)

First-Person Narration: Discord

"Why hello out there humans! My name is Discord, but you can call me 'Q.' Or John. Or anything really, one name's as good as another. Anywhy, I happen to be the Spirit of Chaos, or at least I was. I'm reformed now, or try to be... But it's not easy at all. Chaos is rather addictive after all, which as I'm sure you can imagine is a bit of a problem. I want to be good, but I've just GOT to let the chaos and insanity out somehow!"

"So let me just tell you how happy I was when I discovered the existence of parody Christmas songs! 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,' 'I Want A Hippopotomus For Christmas'... If I wore a hat, it would be off to whatever genius wrote 'Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas.'"

"But now I've confused you. Sorry. My point is, that I've found an outlet for chaos and madness in the form of writing my own parody songs! Oh, the joy of ruining perfectly good traditions! I'm practically giddy with excitement at getting to share them with you! So come on now, gather round everyhuman, because we start with my personal favorite: 'Fros-T the Kill-Bot!'"

Fros-T the Kill-Bot

In which a snowman-shaped
killer robot goes on a
homocidal rampage!

(To the tune of Frosty the Snowman)

Fros-T the Kill-Bot,
Was a homocidal sot.
With a plasma gun
and a frag grenade,
and two bombs
made out of coal.

Fros-T the Kill-Bot,
Is a scary tale they say,
From the sky he fell
And the children tell,
How they hope
He burns in hell.

There must have been some evil
In that microchip they found;
For when they plugged it in his head,
He began to mow them down!

Fros-T the Kill-Bot,
Was deadly as he could be
And the children claim
He would kill and maim
To him it was all the same.

Now Fros-T the Kill-Bot,
Knew the feds were on thier way,
So he said
'Come on, I'm gonna have
Some fun, before I get
Blown away!'

He tore through the village,
With a boomstick in each hand.
Blasting here and there
Shooting up the square,
Taunting 'Stop me
If you can.'

He bought havoc to the streets of town
And slew a traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment,
When the army ordered 'Stop!"

Oh Fros-T the Kill-Bot,
Had to hurry on his way,
But he made them fear
Saying 'Don't you cheer,
Or I'll come back for you next year!'

Resume First-Person Narration: Discord

"Oh wasn't that lovely!?" I tell you humans, if this were a video or a comic strip instead of a fanfic, you'd see me clapping my appendages for joy right about now! Anywho, our next song is-"

"HEY! What's going on here anyway?"

"P...Pinkie!? How did you get here!?"

"Oh, the usual way! Truth is, I heard that song you were singing, and well, it does NOT meet with the Pinkie Stamp of Approval."

"Oh? So I suppose you can do better?

"Oh sure! I call this song 'Randolph the Red-Haired Stockclerk!"

"Wait what? You've actually got a song ready!?"

"Of course, now let's get carolin'!"

Randolph the Red-Haired Stockclerk

(To the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

Randolph the Red-Haired Stockclerk
Had a very shiny 'do
And if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glew;

All of the other stockclerks
Used to point and call it 'Fake!'
They never let poor Randolph
Join them when they went on break!

Then one dismal New Year's Eve,
Management came to say:
'Randolph with your hair so bright,
We've got to lay you off tonight!"

Then how the stockclerks loved him,
As they shouted out 'Hooray!
Randolph the Red-Haired Stockclerk,
We'll get to split your bonus pay!'

Resume First Person Narration: Discord:

"Oh like that's a whole lot better than what I did."

"Well it is! At least mine didn't have any violence in it!"

"Maybe not, but it's still pretty bad..."

"What!? Twilight you're here now too? For the love of... Okay, Hey author! It'll be less confusing if I stop narrating and we just go to a third-person perspective for the rest of this story..."

Begin Third-Person Narration:

"Discord's right." Twilight agreed. "Especially since all of us are here." She motioned towards her friends, who were all decked out in ugly sweaters and scarves.

"Yes, well..." Discord shook his head. "I guess you all heard about the caroling and decided to join in?"

"Well of course darling." Rarity said. "It's just not the holidays without caroling."

"Heh, even I know that." Rainbow agreed.

"Well I guess the more the merrier. Anyhow, let's move on to my next song." Discord said. He began to sing...

"Happy Hollandaise... Happy Hollandaise;
When your eggs are dry and tasteless,
Pour some Hollandaise on too.

Happy Hollandaise... Happy Hollan-"

He was cut off by Twilight. "Alright you corporate shill! How much did they pay you for that!?"

"More bits than you'll make in your entire life." Discord admitted.

"Heh... Really? That much...?"

"Let it go Twi." Applejack said. "Let's just get on with the singin.'"

"But singing what?" Rarity asked.

A voice loudly exclaimed "Fear not! I have your next song!" A puff of smoke erupted, and when it cleared Screwball was standing before them.

"Screwball? YOU want to sing a song?"

"Sure do! Wrote it myself I did, so sit down and have a listen!" And she began to sing:

I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus
(To the tune of 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus')

Oh I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus,
With a sprig of sharpened mistletoe;
She didn't hear me sneak
Up the stairs to have a peek,
She thought that I was chained up
In the dungeon fast asleep!

And I saw Mommy cripple Santa Claus,
Oh the poor man never stood a chance;
Santa she did entrance,
With a very naughty dance,
Then carved him into countless
Little meaty chunks!

Then I saw Mommy pickle Santa Claus,
She dumped him in the bottom
Of a fifty-gallon drum;
And I saw Mommy bury Santa Claus,
Underneath the waters of the lake...

Oh what a war would have been fought,
If the Police had only caught,
Mommy killing Santa Claus last night!!!

As Screwball stopped singing, she looked to see Discord and all of the other ponies staring at her wide-eyed. "What'dya think!?" She asked.

As everypony present, even Discord, was deeply disturbed by the lyrics, it took time for them to answer.

"Um... Well..." Applejack began.

"It was... um, ...different!" Rarity said.

"Yeah! Different! And erm..." Pinkie said.

"Blarrgh!" Fluttershy said, throwing up in a bush.

"It was, like... twenty percent more violent than any other carol!" Rainbow said.

"Why pickled?" Twilight asked in spite of herself.

Screwball shrugged. "Well she had to get rid of the body somehow."

"Rrrrright..." Discord said. "Well, listen Screwball, you go on ahead and we'll catch up okay?"

Screwball saluted. "You got it!" She said, and rushed away.

Watching her go, Twilight thought to herself 'Note to self: Hide stashes of Thorazine all around town just in case.'

"Good idea Twilight!" Pinkie said.

"GAH!" Twilight exclaimed, jumping back. "I was just thinking that! How did you... ...You know what? Nevermind... Look everypony, we need another song."

"Can it be a nice one this time?" Fluttershy asked.

"Capital idea darling." Rarity said. "These other songs have been horrid."

"Suggestions then?" Twilight asked.

With a rush of air displaced by teleportation, Celestia and Luna appeared in their midst. "Might I suggest 'Silent Night?'" Luna said. "Or 'O Holy Night.' Or 'It Came Upon A Midnight Clear...?" Or-"

"Or any song that involves nighttime dear sister?" Celestia interrupted. The element bearers all chuckled.

"Ahem. This story IS called Caroling with Discord you know." The chaos spirit said. "So if you'll excuse me, I've got another song... Not exactly Christmas related, I'll admit, but that's chaos for you..." He snapped his fingers, and was clothed in a tuxedo, with a tophat held in one claw, and as music began to play he sang and danced:

"Hello my brony,
My little pony,
Hello my Alicorns;
Send word by dragon fire,
Twilight your tail's on fire! (YOW!!!!!!!!)
If you refuse me,
Luna you'll lose me,
And you'll be left alone
So Cellie teleport,
And tell me
I'm your own!!!"

Discord fell silent, striking a pose on the floor, grinning. Luna stared at him, then glance across the room to where Twilight's friends were still extinguishing her tail, then looked to Celestia. "Sister, get the gun."

Tail fire finally out, Twilight said "Discord! What did that have to do with Christmas!?"

"You keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine."

"What?"

"I'm not joking sister. Get the gun."

"Now Luna..."

"Look we're almost out of time!" Fluttershy finally shouted. "Now we're all gonna sing a NICE song to end this and that's final! Got it!?!?" She stared at the group.

"Okay. Nice song then. But what song?"

"There... is a song I learned some centuries ago." Celestia said. "It's not sang so much anymore, but was once part of a tradition that involved singing the song and drinking a hot beverage."

"What sort of beverage?" Pinkie asked.

"Alcoholic Wassail." Luna answered dryly.

Rainbow pumped a forehoof in the air. "Oh buck yeah! Singing and drinking? That's my kind of carol!"

"Then let us begin." Celestia said. Using her magic, she summoned up a large serving bowl of Wassail and lyric sheets for everyone, and together they sang...

Wassail Song

"Wassail! Wassail! all over the town,
Our toast it is white and our ale it is brown;
Our bowl it is made of the white maple tree;
With the wassailing bowl, we'll drink to thee..."

"There! Now that's a nice ending!" Fluttershy said.

"Ending? We're not done yet!" Rainbow declared. She downed her entire mug and continued singing:

"Whassup? Whassup? all over the town,
My coat it is blue and my mane it is all;
My home it is made of the white fluffy clouds;
With the wassailing bowl we'll get stinking flank drunk..."

"Is she already drunk?" Luna asked. "From a single glass? Instantly?"

"Rainbow's mah friend princess, an' ah hate 'ta say anything bad... But the mare can't hold her liquor."

Celestia smirked. "'Tis worse than that... The wassail I conjured up is non-alcoholic."

"Wow..."

"Yeah..."

"And now we're out of time." Discord said.

"So much for a nice song."

"Oh well... Merry Christmas everyone..."

Comments

[Lunaexcelsior]

Hilarious story my friend. The songs (apart from the Screwballs which did make me go WTF but then again she is Screwballs) were top notch hilarity to the max. My favorite was Discord's rendition of "Hello my baby hello my honey". I alwayd laugh at that song and when you brought it up right out of nowhere it literally teared me up with laughter. By the by drunken Rainbow Dash is the best When Luna said 'Get the gu' I was like okay.... Gun laws in Ponyville must be more leniant than I thought. Also you gbecame 20% cooler in my eyes just for you excellent portrail of Luna. She is the queen of hilarity. Also the way you switched from third person to first person was amazing. You have a lot of Discorded potential (I like how you describe the master of chaos and disharmony as a Deafpool esque character). Overall an entertaining read. I loved it

[heartbrokenpariah]

Ridiculous, yet good. Have a like.

[Chaos-Sonata]

Next time I'm left home alone im covering these ok?

[VinnyMartello]

Splendid. I love writing dark and dismal songs. I also love songwriters who engage in the same practice. I tip one of the many hats in my hat collection, to you.

All hail the Sultan of Satire!

Yours truly,

The Duke of Delightfully Dismal Drollery