• Published 29th Apr 2012
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A Ghost Story - Elemist



A human's insubstantial adventures in Equestria.

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Chapter 14 - Poker Problems

His steely grey eyes roved the table taking in everything. This slimy bastard probably knew every trick in the book and I’m sure he was planning on using at least one or two of them before the night was over. His conniving gaze rested on Lyra before proceeding onto the rest of the occupants of the table. I knew that I was going to have to use all my accumulated knowledge if we were going to beat him at his own game.

“Stick your tongue out at him.”

“What?” Lyra hissed through her teeth at me.

“Stick your tongue out at him, it will confuse him.”

“But you had me stick my tongue out at him when I was bluffing a few rounds ago.”

“Yes and you have a straight at the moment and all he has is a pair of tens. So even if a ten is thrown on the river he don’t have squat, so load the pot, stick your tongue out at him and then we’ll see what the river is.”

There was a clinking of chips as Lyra raised the previous bet. I glanced at the Griffon in question who was the only real opposition we had at the moment. He was about twice the size of Lyra but skinny as a rail. His molted brown plumage was puffed out here or there where he picked at it once in a while. All in all he was the greasiest thing I had ever seen, and I had seen how McDonalds made their burgers.

The green tinted Pegasus pony next to Lyra folded. I had expected as much, ever since she had moved onto her fifth mug of hard cider the mare hadn’t been playing worth a damn and was running seriously low on chips.

I sniffed at the empty mugs next to her. I could tell this stuff was pretty potent just from the smell. I was impressed this pony was still standing after five pints of the stuff and this is from the guy who used to drink Bacardi 151 straight from the bottle. Actually, now that I think about it that might be part of the reason why I can no longer count myself among the living.

I then moved onto the blue earth pony stallion sitting across from Lyra. Man this guy was almost as large as Big Mac and he was constantly wearing an expression as if he had something unpleasant shoved where the sun didn’t shine. Well at least where the sun didn’t shine for humans, ponies were in kind of a different boat in that regard.

Mr. ‘I’ve got a stick up my flank’ wisely folded, he had been playing extremely conservative all night long and he hadn’t made a single bet on a bad hand.

I turned back to the Griffon who was eyeing Lyra. This blighter had been the biggest problem all night, due to the fact that he actually knew what he was doing. It all went back to the first round of the night when Lyra had gotten four of a kind on the flop and she went all in before I could stop her. She just didn’t understand that if you didn’t load the pot beforehand you were most likely going to force everyone to fold without winning anything substantial for that round.

The griffon had been able to read her like a book at the beginning, one of the reasons why I had her make faces at him. She really didn’t have much of a pokerface and wore her emotions on her sleeve, er, if she had a sleeve that is. So I did the only thing I could do and had her confuse the buck out of the guy by making weird bets, bluffing at weird times and having Lyra acting crazy every now and then.

I glanced around the room and saw the other two ponies that had been at the table earlier in the evening in the corner drinking away their sorrows. Those two had gotten out rather early and were now sampling the fine cider that the tavern provided.

I still couldn’t get over the fact that we were in the back room of what Lyra described as ‘the seediest place in Ponyville if not all of Equestria’, which meant it was the nicest bar I had ever been too. I mean they actually had flowers in vases on the bar, which I found out after we got here that dandelions were the equivalent of complimentary bar-nuts.

A predatory growl escaping from the griffons lips forces my attention back to the table. Apparently Lyra had taken my advice and stuck her tongue out at him and he had slammed a large amount of chips into the middle of the table in retaliation. Huh, if it was that easy to get him to lose his cool then this was going to be a lot easier than I thought.

The river is thrown and lo and behold a ten is revealed. The griffon hides a smirk and his tail thumps the ground a few times. He drops in twenty bits worth of chips and then glares at Lyra.

She glances at me, worry in her eyes. I let out a little laugh, “You got this one Lyra. Now the real question is can you belch on command?”

All I receive from her is a glare, “I’ll take that as a no. Ok, now I want you to bite your lower lip, glance between Mr. Grumpy Pants here and your cards a few time and then raise him another twenty bits, which will force the Pegasus next to you to either go all in or fold.”

Lyra follows my instructions and lo and behold the drunken Pegasus pushes the rest of her chips into the middle. I take a quick glance at her cards and all she has is a pair of twos, the alcohol must be having a bigger effect on her then I thought if she was going to make a dumb move like that.

The griffon growled and his tail flicked forward and thumped under the table in what I could only assume was agitation. He scowled at Lyra, or what I assumed was a scowl, facial expressions involving a beak were really hard to interpret.

He slides enough chips into the pot to call Lyra’s raise and flips over his cards with a grin. The Pegasus stares at the cards, gets up from the table, heads towards the bar and promptly falls on her face.

Lyra flips her cards over and the griffon slams its talons onto the table in outrage as Lyra uses her magic to sweep her winnings over to herself. At this point she has amassed about three fourths of all of the chips that had started on the table.

The next round starts and the small and big blind are paid into the pot. This is the part where I have to be on my toes to catch a glimpse at the starting cards. Most players will play with their hands down against the table and only look at them when they are initially dealt.

After zooming around the table I ascertain that Mr. ‘Constipated’ has a Two and a Four off suit and the griffon had an Ace-Seven off suit. Lyra meanwhile was sitting on a nice pair of Threes. I hold Lyra back from throwing in a bunch of chips and I only have her call up to the big blind.

The flop is thrown to reveal two Aces and another Three. The griffon grins and tosses in a twenty bit chip. Lyra calmly calls his bet without so much as a blink of an eye. I was so proud of her; she was actually learning how to start playing some mind games of her own. I would like to think that might be due to the fact that she had been living with me for so long.

Surprisingly the stallion called the bet as well, his first actual gamble of the evening. With that the turn is thrown down to reveal a Five. Another round of betting goes around the table and the pot is looking quite sizable now. The river is thrown to reveal a six and I laugh. The stallion now has a straight and the griffon has a three of a kind, both respectable hands, Lyra’s full house beats them though.

With a grin I have Lyra put enough chips in to force both of them to either fold or go all in. To my pleasant surprise they both drop their remaining chips into the pot with a side pot made for griffon who had slightly more chips then the stallion.

The stallion reveals his straight and Lyra reveals her full house. She begins to pull the pot towards her until the griffon flips his cards over…to reveal two Aces. WHAT THE BUCK!

I float over the griffon who had pulled the decent sized pot over to himself. I give him the once over and I realize he had a card wrapped in that prehensile tail of his. His tail makes it way underneath the table in front of him and I bend down to get a look. On the underside of the table is what appears to be a slim metal box that has a few cards sticking out of the side. There’s a greenish glow coming from the top of the box wear it attaches to the table, most likely stuck there with magic.

The slimy motherbucker, how dare he cheat, I’m the only one allowed to cheat.

Lyra is glancing around nervously as her winning have now shrunk considerably with her and the griffon holding about half of the chips each and are now the only two left at the table.

“Don’t worry Lyra, we still got this.”

Lyra visibly gulps as the cards are shuffled and the blinds are paid. Lyra gets both the Queen and Five of Hearts dealt to her while the griffon gets an Ace-Two off suit. Lyra calls the big blind and the flop is thrown to reveal the Ace of Hearts, Ace of Diamonds and the Three of Hearts. Hmm, if we get another heart thrown Lyra will have a flush and with both the Turn and the River left there is a decent probability of that happening.

The griffon grins and throws in a hundred bits worth of chips and I see Lyra break out into a sweat as she calls the bet.

The Turn is pulled to reveal the Ace of Spades. Shoot, now we only got a 25% chance of getting a flush and that griffon is riding on a three of a kind right now. Another hundred chips are pushed into the middle of the table and Lyra glances at me nervously. I simply nod and she drops enough chips into the center to call.

The River is thrown to reveal the King of Hearts and Lyra lets out an audible sigh of relief. I facepalm and quickly turn my attention back to the griffon. He then proceeds to push the rest of his chips into the center of the table. Lyra begins to count out the correct number of chips to call and I see that it’s going to leave her with chips numbering in the single digits.

As Lyra is counting the griffons arm begins to slide under the table. Oh that bastard, not on my watch. I float over behind him as he begins to switch in what I’m assuming is the Ace of Clubs. I concentrate on my foot and I turn to Lyra, “You might want to cover your ears for this.” I then bring my foot down on his tail.

The next few seconds happen incredibly quickly. The griffon first lets out a screech that sounds like a mixture of a yelping cat and a squawk of a chicken and then leaps upwards, upending the table and sending chips flying. The sound of breaking glass fills the room as the occupants of the tavern turn to gawp at the spectacle. I was pleased to see that the box is clasped in the griffon’s hand which I assumed he grabbed out of instinct.

The griffon pants a few times before a string of bright blue magic appears from the bar and wraps the griffon in constricting bands of light. The barkeep appears from around the corner of the bar and I have to keep myself from laughing. This had to be the smallest Unicorn stallion I had ever seen besides the youngsters. He was barely bigger than the crusaders, but his ash gray coat and coal black mane made him rather intimidating. Not to mention the fact he was levitating an angry griffon that was about ten times his size with ease.

The deep voice that emits from the barkeep’s mouth is both highly amusing and kind of creepy at the same time. “Are you cheating in my fine establishment boy?”

The griffon wriggles in his magical grasp. “Put me down you little piece of pony sh-SQUAWK” The griffon’s protest is abruptly cut of as the magical constraints squeeze down on him and another band of magic appears around his beak to keep him quiet. The barkeep then makes his way to the door with the griffon and unceremoniously drops him in the back alley.

“If I ever see ya in my bar again I will personally clip those pretty wings of yours boy. Now get on out of her before I get angry.” He then slams the door shut.

The barkeep then collects the bits that had been used by tonight’s poker players to buy into the game from behind the bar and floats the hefty bag over to Lyra who is still sitting in her chair once again doing her impression of a fish. “Here you go little lady. You played yourself a good game o’ cards tonight and I believe these bits belong to you. Now you run along and have yerself a good night.”

Lyra and I decide it’s best to call it a successful evening and make our way home. I was rather pleased with how tonight had turned out, I had gotten to enjoy the fine art of messing with ponies while gambling and Lyra was now almost five hundred bits richer then she was at the beginning of the night.

We made our way through the back alley and side streets that we had traversed early in the evening to get to the ‘shady’ bar we had been at. As we were passing through one of the messier alleyways I spot an empty cardboard box sitting next to some trash cans.

I make my way over to the box and lift it up and cover my head with it. “Hay Lyra, guess what.”

“What?”

“I am the box ghost…BEWARE!” I break out laughing while keeping the box covering my head. Of course Lyra doesn’t laugh at my little joke but I had grown used to her only getting about half of them anyway. As I turn around and start to set the box on the ground I hear a soft thunking sound from behind me followed by a louder thump.

I whirl around to see Lyra sprawled in the middle of the alleyway, obviously unconscious. Standing over her is the form of the griffon from the bar, he had his talons raised in a fist and the dark color of blood gleamed in the moonlight. He reaches down and grabs the bag of coins lying next to Lyra and chuckles darkly.

“Why thanks for the bits you little bitch, you caused me a lot of trouble tonight and I think it’s only right that you pay me back what is mine.” He stuffs the coin purse into a bag that is strapped to his back and then turns back to Lyra. “Now the question is what to do with you. I can’t really just leave you here as I’m sure one of those ponies in the bar would be able to identify me if you reported yourself attacked. Hmmm, it has been a while since I last ate and I always heard that ponies make a rather tasty treat.”

The griffon’s talons splay open as he reaches for Lyra and he opens his beak as he leans towards her neck.

“NOOOOOOO!” My exclamation fills the alleyway and my outright denial at the situation turns into a mighty wail of terror and rage. I hear the sound of shattering glass from the buildings next to me and the griffon rears back covering the sides of its head with its claws.

My vision grows grey and fuzzy as my rage builds. A near gale-force wind plows through the alleyway, throwing paper and cans around. The vapor that I had been excreting comes pouring off of me in waves and solidifies into misty tendrils that grab at the random objects in the alleyway.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH, I’LL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF!” Trashcans and various articles of refuse are tossed at the griffon by my tendrils and he screeches in confusion and pain.

The griffon spreads its wings and begins to flee towards the opposite end of the alleyway and I clonk him on the back of the head with what appears to be half a brick inside of a purple and black striped sock.

As the silhouette of the griffon disappears into the night I slowly begin to calm down. My vision starts to return to normal as my rage subsides into worry. My vapor tendrils still writhe around me as I make my way to Lyra’s still form.

“Oh god, please don’t die Lyra it’s not that fun trust me.” I lean in and I let out a relieved sigh to see the small rise and fall in her chest that indicates that she is still breathing. “Oh thank you Jeebus!”

I glance at the shiny puddle of blood that has begun to form around Lyra’s head. There is a nasty looking cut right above her horn that seems to be bleeding quite profusely. Shit, what the heck was I supposed to do? She really needed to get to the hospital, like immediately. There really wasn’t anyone that I could go and get to help. All of the six would definitely be asleep by this time, even Pinkie and I really didn’t have the time to go dream walking with one of them.

I start panicking; glancing around the alleyway hoping that some pony would be wandering the back streets late at night. As I anxiously whirl around the alleyway I spot one of the trashcans I had tossed at the griffon. I halt in my tracks as I realized it was filled to the brim with garbage. How the hell did I left that?

I glance at the vaporous tendrils surrounding my form and then I look back to Lyra. If I could lift that trashcan, perhaps I could lift Lyra.

I make my way back to Lyra. I focus my concentration on my extremities and I find that I can ‘feel’ the tendrils that are flailing around. I concentrate and the tendrils slowly stop flailing and start lowering towards Lyra. I lower them under her body and start to lift.

As soon as I touch Lyra I feel that horrible sucking sensation that I had felt when I had first entered Lyra’s dream. “CRAP!” I brace myself for the pain that I knew would be coming. Instead of pain I feel a pressure on my body as I’m pulled into Lyra’s form.

My vision goes black for a second and I feel as if I had been squeezed into a high school gym locker. A sudden flash of pain runs through my head and I feel a tingle and shiver run from my head down to my tail…tail? WHAT THE BUCK?

I open my eyes to stare at the floor of the alleyway and pain pulses within my head once again. I feel the cold breeze against my coat and a few snowflakes hit my mane as it begins to snow. I climb to my feet to find myself on all fours looking down at a pair of mint green hooves.

Of course I would end up inside Lyra’s body, it’s just my luck. I suddenly start feeling lightheaded and I’m not entirely sure why. Oh yeah, Lyra still needs to breath doesn’t she. I suck a lungful of air into Lyra’s body and the lightheadedness goes away but the throbbing pain in her skull remains.

“Well this is certainly interesting.” I exclaim to the night. I pause for a second. OK that sounded really creepy. I had just spoken in Lyra’s voice but I heard my own deep voice overlapping her own.

“I guess this means I could sing a duet by myself at the moment.”

I crack Lyra’s neck and look over her body to make sure that she isn’t suffering from any other injuries. I pause as my gaze falls on her rump.

“Oh someone is just shitting with me now.”

Lyra’s flank seems to be missing a Lyre at the moment, in its place sits a cartoonized and clichéd ghost with a creepy smile on its face.