• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Fossil-Dragon-Messiah


Who am I? Just a guy who's a writer for fun. Profile pic drawn by the user Sweetstrokes

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This story is a sequel to A Cold Day in Canterlot


Horn Valley is a sacred place to the Changeling hive. Legend says that the large, spiky protrusion on the canyon's western cliff-face is the horn of the goddess, Queen Papillion, trapped under the rocks during a land slide. This sacred ground contains some of the hive's only fresh water in the harsh desert environment, so when the dragons come, looking to take the land for themselves, the changelings aren't going to give up their holy land without a fight. (A little clarification, this story takes place 12 years before the events of the show and Shadow Strike doesn't have a lot of things he has in my other stories with him. He doesn't speak in haiku and he doesn't have deception, because he learned how to do that AFTER deserting)

Cover art by the amazingly talented Swirling Line

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 9 )

1. please....please...put some spacing between your paragraphs; dialogue. felt like I was reading a wall of text. (that's just me)

2. I liked it. written pretty well. also, don't over do the references as people, like me, I have never read the other story. not saying don't do it, but don't make this a stand alone SnK: AoT: 2

I'll be watching this. :rainbowdetermined2:

5442175 SnK AoT is an anime. Shingeki no Kyujin Attack on Titan. But its just going to be some references. Thx for the feed back

To my bug collection it shall go.

bumping passed many soldiers

past?

keeps another in it's sheath, sir!"

its?

Interesting. I see you share my headcanon about changelings accelerated maturing rate.

But you also portray them as some kind of proud warrior race, like the pre-unification pegasi. The first tenet really surprised me - I'd not expect changelings to so directly contradict Sun Tze. (I assume this is one of those differences that are required for the story plot to work?)

I'm also curious what changelings mean by a 'roach'.

I'm curious as to how the dragon society works. They didn't seem like very social types, beyond the migration thing.

Also a stinger can be a body part or (I assume) a changeling type. This makes some sentences confusing.

Right. I said I would comment, here I am.

Unfortunately not a lot of good to say about this one. Sorry, I hope this feedback helps though.

First of all, you did say that this is a story designed to be read separately and that's fine. Unfortunately you don't do an awful lot of explaining what is going on. Who are these characters? What do they look like? Why are they here? What's this about a war? I didn't get any of that from the story. I was sort of, thrown in and expected to get on with it. That's fine if this was intended to be read with another story, but like you said, it isn't. Even if it feels like you're repeating yourself, it's needed, remember that.

Your pacing is a little off I think. It's very quick and choppy, almost like you're rushing. I would say, don't. Take your time. Writing is about strolling through a world, not rushing. Take the time to paint the scenery and the characters. What are they thinking, what are they doing? There's very little of that, almost like this is bare bones. Space out those paragraphs. At least you're doing one paragraph for each line of speech and character switch. That's good for basics, but it needs to be well spaced, not just a jumble of text. It helps with presentation as well as readability.

In terms of the characters they all seem a little underdeveloped. Probably because I haven't read the first story, but still. They bow to Queen Chrysalis, yet they're very informal after that? They're meant to be soldiers, but to me they seemed more like annoying jumpy kids. I certainly wouldn't put them in charge of a squad if I was in command. That requires more than just swordplay.

Grammar wise, it could be a lot better, but the basics are there. I feel there's a long way to go, but at least it's not completely fragmented. You use a few embedded clauses, but if anything I'm guessing that was done by accident than by design. Some of them don't work, others sort of do. Might be wise to try and look into that. But still, it's coherent and solid, so don't be too discouraged.

Last item is the use of swords. Hehe. I'm not sure you've noticed, but it's pretty impossible for a quadruped to use a sword like a human. I questions if they would even evolve the sword actually. One could say they use their mouths, but the clash of sword on sword would definitely result in broken teeth. I've studied military history for two years and I wrote an essay on quadrupedial combat. I can tell you, they would not use swords. You might want to do your research and figure out a way they use them and describe it to the reader, if you haven't already, in the previous story as well as this one.

Ok, so, all that aside. It's ok. I was intrigued with the story and there's a good basis here to build something good. It's just somewhat rough around the edges is all. I'm sorry I had to be so negative, I'm only trying to help, honest. If you'd like me to go through it with you in more detail then I'm open to that.

5459691 trust me. Your nowhere near as aggressive as this one guy who commented on my first story. I appreciate your feedback and I would love some help

5459727

Yeah aggression never helps so I try not to do it. Unfortunately this is the internet so I feel the need to signpost that I'm not trying to be mean or whatever. But yeah, if you wanted me to go through it in more detail then message me with a link to a google doc or something and I can use the features there to make comments and adjustments. You would have veto power as the owner of the doc. Or we can do it another way, up to you.

Either way, if you do want my help then feel free to PM me and we'll move this discussion out of the comments section and we'll work something out.

Hehe, for now I need to sleep though.

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