Larry in Equestria
A/N: I'm just going to say this: This is a full on comedy story, meaning, everything that happens is meant for comedy. So, don't take all of this to serious.
I don't know if I got his personality down, but, I think I did an okay job.
One last thing: His real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney. But, I'm just going to call him Larry, to stop confusion.
Larry the Cable Guy goes to Equestria
"Are you okay, Larry?" One of the camera men asked as Larry put the heavy double pepper burger down and grabbed his stomach.
"Ow! I think the dogs are trying to break out of the kennel!" He said as he glanced around, looking for a restroom. But alas, there were no restrooms out in the middle of a logging area. Only a porta potty.
"Should we stop filming?" Another asked.
Larry began to stiffly walk towards the porta potty, "Yes, unless you want some footage of me on the pot."
"We'll pass, Larry." One said, lowering his camera.
Larry pulled the plastic door open and shuffled in, pulling it closed behind himself. He dropped his shorts and sat down on the pot. He looked at the door and chuckled.
"Almost forgot the lock." He commented as he reached forward and switched the lock over to green, to show it was occupied.
After a few seconds, he gripped the sides of the porta potty and began to strain himself, "Lord almighty!"
Seconds later, the sounds of water splashing around filled the small enclosed space followed by sighs of relief.
He finished up his business and used the whole roll of toilet paper. As he stood up and pulled up his shorts, he heard a gurgling sound coming from the dark hole of the toilet.
Larry buttoned his shorts and turned to face the toilet. The gurgling sound continued as he leaned down to peer into the hole.
Upon looking into the dark abyss, he could see the water (Amount other things) bubbling upwards, like air was being blown upward under it.
He raised an eyebrow, and stood up straight. He turned his head and yelled, "Hey! There's something wrong with this toilet!"
Before he could get a reply, he heard a burping sound, like water going down a long tunnel.
When he looked back, he saw a light in the toilet. Curious, he leaned down and put his face above the hole.
Suddenly, the water shot upward and slammed into his face. Before he could react, his body was pulled forward and somehow through the small hole of the toilet. His entire body was then pulled down a tiny tunnel, which is impossible. How could his large body go through something so small?
He was pulled downward with an incredible force, going through many sharp turns.
A heavy, musty smell slammed into him, filling his nostrils. He grabbed his nose and plunged it with his fingers.
"AHH! I can taste it!" He exclaimed as he began to gag on the smell.
Up ahead, he saw a small light. It slowly began to get larger, but not much.
His body then slammed into the tiny opening and burst through it, stretching the hole to fit his body.
He slammed into the ground and slid a few feet, water and other filth flowing all around him. He groaned and held his head, "Dang! This is like the time I agreed to be a boxing target!"
As he stood and snatched up his hat, he heard a loud groan behind him.
He placed his hat back on his head and turned around.
"Whoa!" He exclaimed as he saw a blue horse laying on the ground and facing away from him, its back legs spread out on the ground. Its hindquarters were spread out painfully.
Larry splashed over to it, the small puddles of dirty toilet water all around him.
He reached the miniature horse and put a hand on its back, "Damn, what happened to you? Did ah crazy fella get a hold of you."
As Larry chuckled to himself, the horse spoke.
"Ow! What happened?" It moaned as it winced in pain.
Larry looked down at the horse and pulled his hand away, "Did you just talk?"
"*Groan* Wha?" It asked, eyes still closed tight.
Larry's eyes widened and he jumped back. He tripped over his foot and fell on his ass still looking at the strange talking horse.
"You can talk?!" He questioned, looking at the horse before him in shock.
"Of course I can talk!" He groaned loudly again, "Please, get me to a hospital!"
Larry stood up and backed away from the talking horse, "I knew sniffing that gasoline was a bad idea..."
The horse groaned and opened it's eyes, "Are you going to help me or..." It's eyes rested on Larry, "Oh my.... What are you?!"
Larry looked at the horse in slight confusion and shock, "Me?" He took a few steps back, "I should be asking you that! What are you?!"
The horse pushed its self up with it's front legs, and tried to stand, but it's back legs didn't seem to work right, causing it to fall back down.
"I'm a pony! What else could I be! Now please! Help me get to a hospital!" It yelled becoming annoyed.
Larry looked around, just now noticing everything looked way too colorful. He furrowed his brow and turned to see a town through the tree line.
"Be right back little horse... pony thing." Larry called back as he began to trudge through the bushes and foliage.
"What?! No, don't leave me here!" The horse called out as it tried to crawl after him.
Larry laughed to himself as he pushed branches out of his way.
"A talking horse, who woulda thunk it?"
After a few minutes of forcing his way through the thick forest, he reached the edge.
As he stepped over, his left leg caught on a vine, causing him to lose his footing and fall forward.
He crashed through the bushes that surrounded the treeline and hit the ground with a heavy thud.
As soon as he hit the ground, he heard the terrified shrieks of young girls.
He groaned and pushed himself up, his had jammed over his face.
"Girls, don't worry, it's just me, Larry the Cable Guy. You know, Git-R-Done?" He said, trying to keep his balance.
But, the girls continued to scream in terror.
"What? Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm gonna eat ya?" He said as he pushed his hat back up.
When he looked over at the source of the screaming, he recoiled. It was more horses! This time, they looked to be young ones.
There was a white one, an orange one and a slightly yellow one, each with a look of complete horror, still screaming.
He looked at the three horses in awe, 'This is getting weird.'
"Calm down, I'm not gonna hurt you!" He said, trying to regain control of the situation.
The white horse turned and high tailed it out of there, running straight for the town. However, the other two stayed behind and stopped screaming. Looking at him with cautious curiousness.
"What are ya?" The yellow one asked with a heavy country accent.
Larry chuckled and tilted his hat to her, "I'm Larry, a slightly over weight redneck."
They both looked at him strangely.
"Yer ah redneck? What's that?" The same horse asked.
Larry laughed and looked towards the town, "Oh, you know, a country hick, or, that's what most go by." He cocked his head when he saw more horses moving about in the town.
"What's going on here?" He asked no one in particular.
"What do you mean?" The orange one asked, looking up at him in awe.
Larry pointed at the strange, colorful town, "That."
They looked at it, then back at him, "Wha?" They both asked in confusion.
He furrowed his brow and began to walk towards it.
"Hey! Where are you going?!" One of them asked.
Larry looked over his shoulder and tipped his cap at them, "Just going to check out the town. See you gals around."
He turned back and shuddered, 'What in the hell is going on? Talking horses? Sounds like a little girls fantasy.'
He lifted his cap and wiped some sweat off of his forehead.
After a minutes walk, he arrived on the outside of the town.
A few horses stopped walking and looked his way, all of them cocking their heads in confusion. A few either ran off, or ducked back in the buildings.
Larry looked at all of them, all staring at him.
He smiled and waved. He knows how to lighten up a crowd, "Hey everyone! How's it going?"
None of them responded, only stared.
"Listen, I just blew out the anus of a horse back there, and kinda smell like crap. Anyone know a good french maid?"
This caused a few of them to look at him with faces of disgust. But, he got a laugh out of one of them in the background.
"Huh, tough crowd." He muttered to himself.
"OH! OH!" A loud cheerful voice yelled out.
Before Larry could look in the direction of the shouting, a pink horse jumped in front of him, scarring him shitless.
He yelped in surprise and jumped back, holding up his arms, "Don't hurt me!"
"Hurt you? Why would I hurt you? Oh! Is this a game? Am I suppose to hurt you?! Should I?" The horse said in a shockingly fast voice.
Larry looked at the overly happy horse and smiled nervously, "Uh, hey there... talking pink fluff ball of a horse..."
"Hiya! My names Pinkie Pie! What's yours?!" She yelled out excitedly, bouncing in place.
Larry couldn't help but laugh at this, "I'm Larry the Cable Guy."
"Cable guy?" Pinkie Pie said, tapping her chin, "Does that mean you work on cables?"
He chuckled and shook his head, "No, it's my...."
"OH! Wait a minute! You're new in town! How can I forget?!"
Before he could ask any questions, Pinkie Pie jumped into the air and shot off, leaving a dust cloud of her former self behind.
Larry looked at the dust cloud as it slowly faded away.
He scratched the back of his neck and looked around, "Uh, what just happened?"
When no one answered him, he sighed.
He then walked into the town, passing by a few buildings that looked like stores. He continued down what looked to be the main road, hoping to see at least one person he could talk to.
But, he saw no one. Just more and more horses.
After a few minutes of walking, his stomach roared in fury.
He stopped and gave it a pat, "Hang on big fella, I'll feed ya soon."
He glanced around at the buildings and the horses, who still watched him.
"Hey, anyone know a place to get something to eat?"
When no one answered, he added, "If this beast of a stomach doesn't get food soon, we're all gonna die."
A few of the horses shifted nervously, while a few pointed quickly to a large... food covered building.
Larry looked at the building and raised an eyebrow, "A house made of desserts?" He then looked at all the ponies and smirked, "Oh no, I'm not falling for that old trick. Send the fat guy into the candy coated building to be turned into food."
He then laughed, waiting for the horses to join in. When they didn't he rubbed his face.
"This is a tough crowd..." He muttered as he trudged towards the large building.
When he reached the building, he gawked up at it.
"What am I suppose to do? Eat the building?" He asked anyone who was listening.
He shrugged and grabbed hold of a loose piece of the building. He brought it to his mouth and sunk his teeth in it... bad move.
He instantly threw the wooden board to the side and began to spit out small pieces of wood.
"Aw shit! Why did I just do that?!" He yelled, earning a few snickers from the horses around him.
He smiled and pulled out a splinter, 'Hey, I guess they like me getting hurt... I am not going to appeal to that.'
"The food is inside." One horse said, still laughing.
Larry looked at the door and chuckled, "Thank ya kindly."
He then walked towards the door and pushed it open. On the other side, he saw a few horses sitting at tables. He looked around till he saw a counter with one behind it and trudged over.
The horse on the other side, a yellowish one, looked up and gulped.
"Well... hello there." He said nervously.
Larry propped himself up on the counter and looked at the horse, "I'm told this is the place to go for food?"
The horse nodded slowly, "Yes, it is... what can we get for you?"
Larry smiled, "That's what I like to hear! Give me a burger with bacon, oh, and don't to over stuff the burger."
The horse raised an eyebrow, "Bacon? What's that?"
Now it was Larry's turn to raise an eyebrow, "Don't tell me you've never heard of bacon. It's strips of goodness!"
"What is it though?" It asked.
Larry rubbed his chin, "You really don't know what it is?" He then chuckled, "Well then, bacon comes from pigs. They way I like it is covered in massive amounts of grease. Yum!"
The horse recoiled, "From pigs?!"
Larry nodded and rubbed his stomach, "Of course! Their good eating! The best kind are farm grown though. They always slice them just right."
The horse covered it's mouth and gagged, "You eat pigs?!"
Larry noticed that the horse wasn't taking to well to this. So, he changed his order.
"I change my mind, do you at least have hamburgers?"
The horse looked at him, a small look of horror on his face, "Whats that?"
"The meat from a cow ground up and pressed into a patty." Larry answered.
"Sick! How could you eat that?!" The horse said in disgust.
Larry held up his hands, "Hey, if it taste good, I eat it."
"Get out of my bakery!" The horse yelled, face slightly green.
"Why? I haven't done anything... yet." Larry said as he slowly stood up.
"Out! I won't have meat eaters in my bakery!" It said sternly, pointing to the door.
Larry backed up slowly, holding his hands up, "Okay buddy, I'm going."
Once Larry was back outside, he saw that the horses were still watching him.
He waved nervously and pointed behind himself, "The man doesn't sell meat, what's with that?"
Apparently, they didn't get the joke because they all looked at him like he was crazy.
Larry thought for a second. He then clapped his hands together, "You know, the last time I was in front of a crowd like this was back in high school when I was playing football. What? I didn't know you had to wear pants with the uniform."
He laughed, but stopped when he noticed no one else was.
"... Very, very tough crowd." He muttered as he wiped more sweat off the top of his head.
He looked around, still hungry.
He began to walk down the street, watching as the horses moved about, keeping their eyes on him.
"That's the thing!" He heard a high pitched voice cry out.
Larry stopped and looked around till he saw the same white horse from before, the small one.
Next to her was another white horse... with a horn?
As he started to question this, he saw that the smaller horse also had a horn.
Now he was confused.
"Unicorns?" He said in a country way.
The larger one looked at the smaller one, "What is it?"
"I don't know!" The smaller one squeaked.
"It's an ape!" One of the horses in the back yelled.
"An ape? Yes, I can tell." The taller one remarked.
Larry shook his fist at them, "Hey! I am no ape, I just act like one to scare the kids off."
Again, no one laughed.
He rubbed his small beard and shook his head, "I'm going to make you all laugh if it's the last thing I do."
After watching them for a few more seconds, he continued down the street.
As he walked down the stone road, he heard the horses behind him make comments about his looks.
He heard many opportunities to crack a joke, but decided against each, seeing as they don't find him funny in the least.
A thought popped into his head, causing him to stop walking.
"Where am I even going?" He asked himself.
He looked around, "Hmmm, find the most interesting place and go to it."
There was a cart selling soap, which he needed. There was a large building, he shouldn't go near large buildings like that anymore, not after his incident a few years ago.
But, one building did catch his eye, a house in a tree.
"A house in a tree?" He chuckled and glanced at the crowd, "So, it's a tree house?"
One snicker, just one snicker was heard.
He face palmed and walked off towards the tree house type building.
When he reached the door, he knocked on it a few times.
No answer.
He looked at the door and saw a heart shaped hole in it. He chuckled and leaned forward to peer inside.
When he saw no one, he put his head through the hole and glanced around.
But, before he could react, the door was engulfed in a purple aura. The door was then threw open, with his head still in the hole. His body slammed into the tree, causing him to loss his footing.
He then fell backwards, ripping the whole door off the hinges.
"Hello, who's there?" A purple horse with a horn asked as it walked into the open doorway.
When it looked down and saw Larry sitting on the ground, the door still stuck on his head, it gasped.
"My door! Why did you break it?!"
Larry chuckled and began to try and remove the door from his neck, "I was just making a smashing entrance."
Finally, he got a least a few ponies to laugh at one of his jokes.
Feeling proud of himself, he stood up and continued to try and get the door off.
"Aw come on! My heads to big for the hole!" He then chuckled to himself, "Again, I say the wrong things at the wrong time."
"Huh, I can get that off for you." The purple horse said as its horn glowed.
To Larry's surprise, the door was lifted off of him with no one touching it.
The door floated over to the tree and was propped up against it.
Larry nodded in approval, "That would make a great party trick. I can already see the possibilities..."
"Um, excuse me." The horse asked as Larry pondered the possibilities.
He looked at it and tipped his cap, "Well hi, my names Larry. But most know me as Larry the Cable Guy."
The horses eyes widened, "You mean, Larry the Cable Guy as in the comedian?"
Larry smiled happily now that he had found someone who knows who he is, "Yep. Git-R-Done!" Then, a though hit him that he hadn't had before, "Wait, how do you even know about me? The way I see it, no one here even knows about me."
She giggled and waved him towards the open door, "The Princess showed a few of us comedy acts from other worlds. And one of your acts was one of the ones she showed us."
Larry laughed, "What did ya think?"
She scrunched up her lips and held her hoof out in front of herself and shook it slightly, "Ehhh, you could be funnier."
*Da-dump* Larry's joy was instantly killed as she said those words.
She quickly waved her hooves in front of herself as she saw his expression drop, "No no no! I didn't mean that as a bad thing! You're still pretty funny."
This lifted Larry's spirit, but only a little.
He then made a bowing motion towards the door, "Shall we enter the building?" He said in his most fancy voice.
She giggled, "I already said you could go in."
"Oh..." He said as he walked into the building.
When he entered and saw all the books, he easily concluded that he was in the house of a crazy person... horse.
The purple horse trotted past him and pointed to a couch, "You may sit there."
"On it Miss..."
She slammed her hand... hoof into her face, "I didn't tell you my name, did I?"
He shook his head as he walked towards the small couch, "Nope."
She sighed, "Well, my name is Twilight Sparkle, star pupil of Princess Celestia."
Larry jumped up and landed on the small couch, causing it to creak slightly.
"Star pupil? Very impressive." He then chuckled, "I was the star pupil of someone once. Yeah, true story. The guy made a mean chicken bucket. Gotta love the Coronal."
He waited for the laughing, but it never came.
"Uhuh..." She said, looking at him strangely. But then started laughing when she saw his dropped expression, "The Coronal! Hahaha... funny."
Larry frowned, knowing she was only pity laughing.
She looked at him and quickly ran over to a shelf, trying to fix the damage she's done.
"Uh... HEY! Do you want to see my most favorite book?!" She said as she gently pulled down a large book.
Larry looked at her eager face as she trotted over, "I guess. What's it about?"
"It's the complete history of Equestria!" She said excitedly.
He forced a smile, "Oh, yay for history..."
She put it on his lap and began to trot off, "I'm going to get us some tea to drink while we read."
"Uh, take your time!" He yelled after her.
He looked down at the large book and frowned, "It's like school all over again... Only this time, I'm not reading a grade zero book."
He laughed at his own joke and opened the book. He looked at the first page before turning it.
*Rip*
His eyes widened as a page instantly ripped out of the book. He tried to put the page back in, but dropped it slight, ripping out another. Panic took over and he pushed the pages back in, followed by him slamming the book closed.
But, as soon as it slammed shut, he heard a faint crack. He then saw the spin of the book, a large crack going down it.
"Oh come on!" He grunted as he tossed the book onto the coffee table.
Unbelievably, the book hit the table and somehow crumbled. Turning into a pile of paper flakes and shredded leather.
"How is that even possible?!" He yelled as he jumped to his feet.
"I didn't know what kind of tea you liked, so I made one of everything." Twilight said as she trotted back into the room.
She put the tray down and looked around, "Huh, where's my book?"
Larry smiled nervously and pointed at the table, "It did that on its, own, I swear! Scouts honor!"
Her eye twitched, "You destroyed a book?... My most treasured book?..."
Larry began to back up as she began to twitch and repeat herself. Suddenly, she shot upward and screamed in rage. Her hair caught fire, as her body changed to a light white.
"How dare you!" She screamed.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Larry has left the building!" Larry yelled as he high tailed it towards the only open door.
The bathroom.
He flew through the door and slammed it shut. He pulled down a large shelf and used it to block the door.
He backed up, breathing heavily, "Whew, I need to lose some weight."
Something slammed against the door, followed by a very angry growl.
"OPEN!"
"Occupied!" He yelled back.
As she began to slam against the door, he looked around for an escape route.
When his eyes landed on the toilet, he had a ingenious idea.
"If I got here by toilet, then I can get back by toilet!" He exclaimed as shuffled over to it.
He looked it over and snapped his fingers, "Of course!"
He flushed the toilet and pulled his hat off. He then pushed his head down into the toilet, completely submerging his head. He began to thrust his head downward, trying to go down it, like the first time.
Sadly, all he did was get a headache, and maybe a concussion.
He pulled his head out and groaned, "Why doesn't this work?!"
The door cracked slightly.
He looked at the door, helpless.
"So this is how I go? Killed by a crazy talking horse..."
Right when he was giving up all hope, a light shinned on him.
No, literally, a beam of light shown on him.
He turned and saw an open window... a very small open window.
"It will have to do!" He yelled as he jumped up and quickly made his way to the small window.
He jumped through the window head first... but got stuck halfway.
"I knew I had a big butt...." He said as he tried to push himself through.
A second later, he heard the sound of wood being broken in half and the sound of hooves against a tiled floor.
"Wait! Just push me through and I'll be out of your hair!" He yelled as he continued to try and push himself through the small window.
Something slammed into his ass and forced him through the window... painfully.
He flew out of the window and came crashing down on a bush.
He groaned and brought his hand to his face, "Well, at least it's always funny to watch a fat guy fall out a window."
He looked up at a few horses who were near by.
"Am I right?"
One of them smiled, but the others just shook their heads.
"And don't come back!" Twilight screamed from the window before slamming it shut.
Larry chuckled to himself and stood up, "Ain't the first time I heard that."
After dusting himself off, and pulling his shorts up to hide his crack, he set off down the street again.
The same crowd of horses slowly began to follow.
Larry walked through the town for a while, trying and failing to get the horses to laugh.
As he was sitting on a bench, rubbing his stomach, the pink horse from before hopped in front of him.
"Hiya!" She screamed in his face.
"AHH! Talking cotton candy!" Larry yelled as he jumped over the bench and landed behind it.
He stood up and looked at the pink horse, "Son of a gun!"
Pinkie Pie giggled, "Son of a gun? What's that?" She then began to barrage him with question's.
But, he was to hungry to actually make out her fast words.
"So? Did you do it?" She asked excitedly.
"Do what?" Larry asked, rubbing his neck.
She rolled her eyes and smiled, "Did you actually go to the city to make the son and then to the country to get the gun, then go all the way to the ocean to put them together?"
Larry looked at her in complete confusion, "What are you even talking about?"
"I was talking out about..." She suddenly gasped, "Wait! Now I remember what I'm here for! And we're missing it!"
"Missing what?" Larry questioned.
But, instead of telling him, she ran off, yelling, "FOLLOW ME!"
Larry sighed and slowly walked after the pink horse.
Pinkie Pie lead him through the town, yelling for him to hurry. Larry just lagged behind, stomach roaring in anger.
After a minute, she finally ran into a building.
As Larry approached the building, he took notice of the crowd of ponies already surrounding the building.
This slightly worried Larry as he pushed the door open. On the inside, he saw nothing but darkness.
"Oh, this can't be good." He muttered as he stepped inside.
As soon as he took two steps from the door, it slammed shut.
"Jesus!" Larry yelled out as he jumped forward at the sound of the door slamming.
The second his foot touched the floor, the entire room light up, followed by a crowd screaming 'surprise!'.
Larry screamed like a little girl as he saw something in front of him. He pulled back his fist and slung it forward.
His fist slammed into it's face and caused it to stumbled back.
But, to Larry's surprise, the thing he had punched was a light gray horse.
The horses that filled the building gasped in shock.
Larry looked at his still closed fist, "Did I just falcon punch a horse?"
"Oh my gosh! It just knocked out Berry Punch!" One of them yelled.
Larry looked around, a smile forming on his face, "How did I knock her out? I Just Berry punched her."
He laughed at his joke, followed by half of the crowd of horses. He had finally made most of them laugh.
So, for the next five minutes, Larry tried to make the other half laugh. But, was unable to make a few of them laugh. Not even his best gator joke made them laugh.
He finally threw his hands up in the air and planted himself in front of the foot table.
"Now this is how ya eat!" He yelled as he stuffed sweets into his mouth.
After scarfing down a pound of chocolate, he wiped his hands on his shirt.
As he did this, his hand ran over something hard in his shirt pocket. He opened the pocket and pulled out a package of...
"JERKY!" He yelled out in delight, "I knew I had meat in my pocket!"
He pulled the bag open and let the smell of moist beef jerky flow up into his nostrils. But, what he didn't know was that he was next to a fan, which was blowing straight at the crowd of horses.
As soon as the smell reached them, all their noses tilted upward and sniffed the air.
Soon, all eyes was on Larry, again.
"What is that?" A small horse asked as they all stared at him with raised eyebrows.
Larry looked at them all and smiled, "Come on, don't tell me you don't know what jerky is?"
He pulled out a piece and put it in his mouth.
"Can ah have some?" A horse asked.
Larry looked at it and laughed, "A cowboy hat? Oh the irony!"
The cowboy hat wearing horse tilted it's head, "Excuse me?"
Larry chuckled and held out a piece of jerky.
The horse looked it over and bite down on it and began to chew on it.
"Hows it taste?" Larry asked, waiting for an answer.
The horse chewed, nodding slightly, "Taste funny."
Larry shrugged, "I don't know why, it's beef, the best kind."
The horse instantly stopped chewing, "It's wha?"
"Beef, you know, cow." Larry said in a tone like it should know that.
The horse instantly spit out the jerky and began to force out the smaller pieces.
"Gah! Ya tricked me in ta eaten meat!" It yelled in furry, still spitting.
All the horses instantly began to gag and gasp in horror.
"It has meat?!"
"That thing made Applejack eat meat!"
"Poor cow!"
Larry watched as the crowd slowly became more and more angry. Most already advancing on him.
"What? It's just beef! It's not like I made her eat horse! Which, in some cultures, is good eating!"
This caused all of them to instantly turn hostile and move towards him.
Larry began to back up, holding his hands up.
"Okay all you horses, let's not do something we'll all regret."
When they all continued to advance, Larry took matters into his own hands.
He looked around and picked up a pen, "Stand back! I have a pen and I think I know how to use it!"
This was pointless, as they all just quickened their pace.
"Aw shit..."
Larry looked around for an escape route, but there were none in front of him. When he turned around, he saw a fairly large window.
"Perfect!" He yelled as he bolted towards it. Behind him, he could hear the sound of the horses hooves slamming against the hardwood floor.
Larry ran, or jiggled, all the way to the window and jumped for it. His upper body smashed through the glass, but instead of soaring through it, his lower half slammed into the window seal.
"Why body, why?!" Larry yelled as he began to pull himself through the window.
Suddenly, something latched onto his shorts and pulled.
Larry, in an act of genius, used one hand to reach down and unbutton his shorts.
The second the button was undone, he fell forward.
He hit the ground and instantly jumped up, "HAHA!"
His victory was cut short when he looked down and saw his boxers.
"Aw hell."
"Get back here!" A horse yelled from the window.
Larry jumped and began to sprint away, his shirt bouncing with his body.
Behind him, he could hear the angry shouts of horses.
"Why am I running?! How is tubby suppose to out run horses?!" He yelled to himself as he began to trip over himself.
He continued to run down the street till he came to a turn. But, when he turned to run down it, he slammed into a tall white horse.
He rebounded back a little and looked up at it.
"Oh thank the almighty lord! A real horse!" He yelled as he ran back to it and forcibly jumped onto it's back.
He grabbed it's flowing mane and kicked it's sides, "High ho silver!"
"Get off of my back you ape!" The horse yelled as it flared its wings, throwing Larry into the air.
When Larry hit the ground, he rolled over and groaned, "Why does this happen every time I mount something?"
"Get up, ape!" The large horse commanded.
Larry looked at it and stood, "Why does everyone call me that?"
The crowd of horses came to a stop behind him, watching him and the larger horse.
"Princess Celestia!" Twilight yelled as she ran over to stand beside the larger horse.
"Who are you? And how did you come to be in this world?!" The large white horse demanded, staring at him with cold eyes.
Larry lifted his hat and ran his hand over his short hair, "Well, horse lady, I'm Larry the Cable Guy, and I got here through the anus of a horse. Creepy, I know, but it happened."
The large horse slammed its hoof into its face and groaned, "I didn't want HIM. I wanted Jeff Dunham!"
Larry gawked at the horse, "What are you talking about?!"
The looked at him calmly, "I cast a spell to bring the great ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, to our world to perform a show. But, somehow, we ended up with you." It shook its head, "What a disappointment."
Larry crossed his arms, "Okay, you listen here, horse! I'm just as good as he is, maybe not better, but I'm pretty damn funny!"
"Do Achmed then." It asked, staring at him with a serious face.
Larry cleared his throat, "Silence! I kill you!"
"Fail... just fail." It said, shaking its head.
Larry threw his hands up, "So what? I'm still funny in my own way!"
"Please Princess, get rid of him. His comedy hurts my eyes!" Twilight said, holding a hoof in front of her face.
"Yes, send me away. Send me back to the place where I am funny!" Larry said, pointed a finger at everyone.
The large pony nodded, "Oh, we're sending you back. We wanted real talent, not this."
Larry face palmed, "Just send me back and stop talking."
"Very well."
Larry looked around, "So, how do I actually get back?"
The horse pointed off to the side, "The way you came of course."
Larry looked to where it was pointing and saw the blue horse from before, the ones ass he came out of.
The horse pointed a leg at him and stomped towards him angrily, "You! You left me in that forest all by myself! I'm going to..." He saw that everyone was looking at him strangely, "Huh, what is it?"
"Goodbye, Larry the Cable Guy, may you never grace our land again." The large white horse said as its horn began to glow.
Larry's body was engulfed in a white light and he was lifted up. Likewise, the blue horses ass began to glow.
The horse looked back and groaned, "Not again!"
Larry's body shot forward, straight for the horse. His body tilted till his head was pointed straight ahead.
The horses eye's widened as it turned and began to gallop away.
"NO! Please no!"
Larry began to yell as he neared the horses backside.
"I'm to big! I'm to big! I won't fit! AHHHH!"
When Larry's body reached the horses backside, he felt the hole stretch over his body.
He then began to swerve through an even tighter tunnel than last time.
"It feels like I'm being reborn!" He yelled as the walls began to harden into plastic.
He looked up and saw a faint light.
Suddenly, his body shot upward and into a small enclosed space. He slammed into a hard roof and fell back to the ground.
He landed on the seat of a toilet and groaned, "It's always me, isn't it?"
"Larry, you okay in there?" He heard someone yell from outside.
Larry rubbed his face and stood up.
After a few seconds, he reached forward and opened the door. When he stepped out, he saw his camera crew and the loggers they were filming.
"What?" He asked, looking at them in slight confusion.
"Uh, where's your shorts?" One asked.
Larry looked down and chuckled, "Oh, a horse ripped them off of me while I was in the toilet."
This earned a chuckle from the small crowd.
"What ever you say Larry. Just hurry up and put them back on, we have to get back to filming."
Larry rubbed the back of his neck, "Uh, lost them."
But then, he clapped his hands together, "Forget the shorts! I'm going to finish the show in my underwear!"
"Only you Larry." The camera girl said with a chuckle.
Larry smiled proudly and walked over to them, "Yep, only me."
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FIMFiction
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First!
Edit: Gotta say, I thought it was pretty damn funny.
First? Damnit.. Nope...
..
..
..
SECOND!
3rd!!!
*Edit:
Sucked down a toilet... 
adding that to the list of known methods of coming to Equestria 
But Larry the Cable Guy doesn't make me laugh or smile... He just makes me deeply sad.
Fuck year.
Lumberjack - Jackyl
My redneck metal collection is dearly lacking, it seems.
...Are people really bringing the "LOLFIRST" spam to FIMFiction?
i.imgur.com/cuMS2.png
Makes me wish this site had a "Report Comment" function.
521676 The mad is strong with this one. Look you are just going to have to learn to live with it. It is bound to happen and has been happening for a while. Better to just ignore it or join it. It's all in good fun.
Oh my gosh. This is awesome. Bieng a large fan of redneck comedy. I could read every line in his voice. Yes!
Funny, Hah
521691
>implying that I'm mad
Join it? Spamming the site with pointless comments is "good fun" ?
And ignoring it isn't good either. Spam is spam, I won't just sit around and ignore it, lest it flood the site like it already appears to be doing.
......
Um... no offense but this was just really.... odd and not entertaining at all. One of the worse crossovers.... sorry...
521738 four words: who gives a shit? The authors apparently don't because if they did they could just remove the comment. Stop trying to argue over the Internet, it only makes both of us look stupid. Just read the story/chapter and just be on your way. If it bothers you so much than do something rather than bitch about it in comments. Send a message to knightly if you feel it's that important. Just dont make a fool out of yourself in the process.
521759 Listens, totally entertained. *Reads most recent comment*
Aw, the show's over already.
~Jack
Eh... This was kinda funny.
i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee389/bsh122397/c7ba8b57.jpg
okay, this was an unending parade of awful.
WTF did I just read? Cause whatever it was, it was pretty damn funny.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shove my head down my toilet in a attempt to get to Equestria.
I will admit, it was rather funny, but a little dry, since Larry was basically insulted by Princess Celestia when it said earlier that she showed them some human comedy. Twilight should've expected this kind of behavior from Larry.
But this story is a good example of why Larry would NOT survive in Equestria if he stayed in his stage persona. 'Larry the Cable Guy' is a stage name. so I'm sure he would've done pretty good in Equestria if he used his real emotions and mannerisms.
When I first saw the title of this story I thought: 'Huh, is this the first of an entire Blue Collar Comedy Tour/MLP crossover?' Now THAT would be funny to see.
Imagining the entire group of Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Larry the Cable Guy in Equestria is just too damn hilarious.
why would you make this
i1212.photobucket.com/albums/cc459/death157/dafuq.jpg
poor dash getting a fat guy forced out and then in of your ass!
but still price less
File this one under "far better than it has any right to be" and "so bad its good".
My favorite part is how the author oh-so-subtly lets us know that he hates Larry as much as any respectable, intelligent person. Anyone who missed the hints probably got the message during the (damning) Jeff Dunham joke. Ugh, Jeff Dunham.....
This isn't funny in any plane of existence.
damn you KA2UM! I HAD A MEETING AND YOU MADE ME CUT A GASH ON MY FACE FROM LAUGHTER!
STUPID FACEDESKING
img.ponibooru.org/_images/02dab8fa3b8e9dbf2fdc8723b5407742/131192%20-%20Doctor_Whooves%20jelly_faic%20jelly_pony%20me_gusta.png
Kickass... I know this was intended to be full blown funny but I think you tried too far... 11 dislikes and 22 likes? I know what I'm rating... I can't believe that Lance made a... a... a bad story! I can't believe I said that...
Now I'm worried some redneck's going to jump out of my ass... ... f*** my life!
522877
I know, this is by far the worst story I've ever written.
522183
It wasn't Dash. If you read carefully at the pronouns, it says "He" every time it talks about the one Larry came out of. Unless that was a typo, it couldn't have been Dash because, well, she's a she.
523167
It wasn't Dash. It was a random blue stallion.
This is what you call a crack fic.
But still, toilet portal is a new way to get to Equestria.
523011
I know, that's what I was telling that other guy. I'm not the one who said it was Dash.
523662
I know, I was just confirming what you said.
"Shall we enter the building?" He said in his most fancy voice.
I... I doubt that is even possible. Even trying to do that in my head sounds ridiculous. Also if that is the way that you enter/exit Equestria.. I think I'll just stay on Earth.
I got a good laugh out of this but then it switched out for anger when I remembered how much it shames me that Larry is the same species as me.
524187
Actually, he's only like that on stage. Believe it or not, he's a college graduate who (I think) isn't even from the south; the whole filthy redneck thing is his stage persona.
524216 How would you know that... maybe... *gasp* maybe YOU are Larry the cable Guy!!!
I am extremely grateful this didn't turn into a clop fic where Celestia utters out the words, "Take me you morbidly obese monkey man!!!"
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/276/507/65b.gif
Peace Out.
I knew it would be good.
I think he's from the mid-west. It was in his book, but, its been a while and I cant be sure... To Tartarus with memory! I call upon the power of Google!
...
...
Eeyup, Nebraska.
What the....I don't even....WHAT?!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?
wHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
This... by far... is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. I could read everything in Larry's voice perfectly and all of it just made me laugh. To all the haters out there, shut up if you will...
523688 if you did one with Daniel Tosh or how>>522058 suggests that would have been funnier.
I didn't know that Larry the Cable guy was a comedian - just saw his name and remembered he was a voice actor in Cars.
521629 One question
Just curious
Why?
521676 You must be new here,
It has been brought and this is mas viejo que'l frio
i tried reading it....i really did but i lost interest half way sorry
521629
How's Anthropology doing? =3 Can't wait to see what happens next. =3