Because the group fell into inactivity hell and the stories/prompts technically ended this fic is cancelled.
((Story is writtern for the Twysalis prompt collab group.. Each story will use the prompts as titles.))War changes people. War equals loss, and loss scars the mind. After having gone through many obstacles Twilight and Chrysalis can finally allow themselves some time to enjoy their love. But before their eventual marriage there is one more thing that Chrysalis has to confess.
Queen Chrysalis has many titles: she is the Monarch of the Black Sanctuary, the Liberator... But among those titles there is one she wishes she had never gotten: the Black Siren. Now before their wedding the time and excuses have run out.
It's time to confess... and face the future together.
Go visit/give praise to
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/kildeez
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/YourBronyGod
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Europa
these three guys for being FRIGGIN awesome with their feedback and editing. Counteracting my greekness FTW! Yes I am Greek.
Ah, I remember this! Love it.
First thoughs on this chaper.
Honestly. It's not so good. Sorry to be blunt, but honestly.
You REALLY built up a scene we have NO clue about. You just threw a couple OC's out there that I think we're supposed to care about but because of how short of a time we've known them I just don't care about them at all.Also we don't know their strength so how can you get us to buy that they could beat these two well known powerful creatures? I mean come on. The strikes caused them to fly into a wall?
The equestrians seemed to hardly show any worry or care about Twilight except shining ONCE in the beginning.
This feels like a chapter that should be at the END of a story. Not the beginning.
You introduce too many things at once. Making it hard on the reader to keep track of it all for one chapter.
I'll take a look at the next two chapters but that is my thoughts so far.
Chapter two thoughts
Far too short to really give any good feeling to the reader.
It's like showing a child a picture and suddenly taking it away. You can't get anything out of it except a vauge idea. Some may want to see more for that but many will just shrug it off and move on. Just saying. Moving on to the next I suppose.
Oh. After thought. Why was their race in the past called proteans and there was also a changeling named proteus? Sounds kinda redundant.
Looks like I somehow didn't read the second chaper (odd) before But I can say again. Second and third chapters? Pretty damn awesome. The idea of Chrysalis being a siren (or at least the magic singing thing) is friggin win.
5343271 I did what you said and merged them.
5343673
Ooooooh XD that's why I was confused XD Okay. Sweet.
5343916 If you do wish i could let you in on my next chapter that is being prepared right now. We would have to move this discussion in a pm tho. I could also explain the siren thingie.
5343918 I would usually but I don't check the site too often. If you want I could take a quick look at it sure. but realise I won't get around to it until tonight.
5344625 Alright just send me your gmail in a pm or whatever it's not needed but if you want to comment or edit that'd be nice.
5344630
It'd honestly be a little easier for me if you just send on a pm here but sure I suppose
i like it and shouldn't be 4. Gods not 5. Gods
5401895 Thanks!
5401964 your welcome
You'll be getting a really detailed review tomorrow, I'm just too tired to wrap it up properly right now. So brace yourself. Also I'd like to have a review back via the Authors Help Authors group when I'm done; just thought I'd warn you in advance, formalities will follow.
5410410 I guess that's fine. Just so you know this isn't the best story to review as the first chapter isn't the best intro I can make. In any case you may continue but also viewing my other stories is appreciated.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: A Queen's love-A Twysalis story
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 7
Pros (list three pros)
- The world has a sense of deep to it.
- You're able to describe things in a way that makes them feel epic.
- You arouse interest very well.
Cons (list three cons)
- The introduction chapter is confusing, as it gives way too much information and leaves way too many questions.
- The introduction chapter promises an epic adventure story, which isn't followed up on.
- The Twysalis ship isn't made plausible; the reader sees neither why they are together nor how their relationship works.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
I've taken notes while reading and explained what I think are the problems in quite some detail. I'll send you all of that via PM if you don't mind, since it's a couple of pages long. The essence is: Know which story you want to write, and focus on writing that one. For example, of you'd cut the introduction chapter and tweak the rest a bit, it can work just fine. Also you want to be sure not to confuse your reader.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Rainbows and Mirrors
Actually, I'll just leave you a GDrive link to the file with the commentary, since the PM applies some strange formatting to it: click here
5412130 Yea yea I know the intro chapter is bad and I should feel bad. The thing is as an official story I might change it later. As the fic says this isn't the best thing I have to offer and the fact that I wrote the intro FAR later when I wrote the rest of the fic serves to prove it. I'll soon build an alternate intro.
The thing is that this fic has the tendency to be a bit... random as the prompts are random.
Uh question: Why does the chapter repeat after it says "She was ashamed" the first time?
5572873 Must have been a mistake while I copypasted stuff from google docs.
Reviewed story for the Goodfic Bin. Rejecting due to a lot of reasons.
Details are here.
5826058 Bro... this is an exercize as a fic. To see where I can go and what I can do. I do have an editor but I think I need a proofreader first. This fic has been written for the Twysalis prompt tag collab and there is a limit in the word size of the prompts I can get out. Regardless the intro is bad and I know it since many people have told me. I am building a new intro.
With a title of Black Siren and her shame, I expected her to have "slept" her way to leadership. But a title bestowed to an unstoppable female warrior? Shit that's a mark of pride in my family. To us you gain respect by being good at combat. We respect strength of heart and will. The fire burning inside and thrill of battle. Gender means nothing to my family, even blood means nothing. We only care about three things.
Compassion for children
Loyalty to the family
Love for fighting
Its why I fell in love with Mandalorians from Star Wars.
Keep up the good work. Go Black Siren!
6001583 I wanted to give Chrysalis a vibe from Alexander the Great. What if the great King wasn't so... lenient with his enemies? After all Greece had suffered quite a lot after the invasions of Persia. I wanted to create the image of improportional judgement from a vindicative individual that in some cases... such as with traitors, murdered loved ones, false lovers... just DOESN'T take shit from anyone.
In any case she sings during battles. Just imagine two green glowing in the darkness as she goes on a rescue mission spewing green magical fire. Use the bass/drums to imagine when she does it. Imagine she is short of in a madness state.
Incidentally this was the song I had originally for the chapter. That she was going on a rescue mission that was doomed to fail and then proceeds to burn the entire estate of her enemies herself.
She's really dangerous individual... I tell you that.
6001782 so is this story dead...or what?
6317662 This story is exercize for me. If you want to read it then be my guest. I haven't updated any story in a long while and I don't know if I will this one. I might try something soon but don't depend on it too much.
I'm sorry. This story was never meant to have more views or likes than my other stories. It's a motivation and an exercize to write.
6317706 thats a shame...its a really good story, and i along with a lot of others would love to see it finished
6317712 Well the next prompt will deal with the consequences of not feeding. We are going to the spirit world! The prompt used for that chapter is called... Insanity.
I'll probably have a first draft in like the end of the day.
I wish more people like you were commenting to push my stories to continue.
Forgot to leave a comment earlier, but I just wanted to say that this story is really well written. I can't wait to read more.
6802675 Thanks! Much appreciated! Check out my other works as well if you like!
For effect, I might suggest reversing the order of those two statements.
7459358 Oke! Thanks! Did you enjoy it? Also edited it in past tense.
7461303 I did enjoy it! 'Reformation' is a harder road than just a magical rainbow laser.
7461820 you said it. Not to mention the guilt.
7463575 and the anxiety/stress
5341074 I have to agree with you on a point; this chapter made no sense at all, there are so many random things going on at the same time and I had no clue what was happening.
I'm hoping the rest will be better
better than the first chapter
but still no idea how we got here.
7859903 The old intro is no longer canon to the story. Read the author's notes please.
7867152
Update?
8266644
Not sure on the ETA. I am not currently focused on this. I just got out of exams.
This can only end well...
I was under the impression that the point of windows is to let sunlight in even when they are closed.
...maybe changeling windows are painted black.
9842935
Windows often serve as insulation. While the sunlight is there its heat and the wind are not.
8268190
pla update
11166537
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/975068/announcementmy-plans-for-2022-part-1-twysalis-cancelled I'm sorry.