• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 25th, 2015



Vinyl just wanted to go to a school where social statuses could not matter less. Fresh from expulsion from a string of private institutions, she enters Greyside Public School with great optimism and hopes of making some true friends. Little does she know that a certain grey mare from the past is in her class. A grey mare who is barricaded so deeply within herself no pony can hope to bring her out. Nopony except one.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 13 )

Well it has good potential :twilightsmile: Lets see where this goes hehe

Losing touch with a friend you got along with really well is an awful feeling. I've felt it on a few occasions myself. I hope Vinyl can do what I never could and rekindle this friendship. I can't wait for more.

Mmmmm... this just feels too much like fanfiction.

Yeah, I can see how you can think that. It's a flaw in my writing style that I been meaning to fix but I have no idea where I can even start. Could you point out which elements make it too fanfic like?

MoRe PlEaSe! :pinkiehappy:

Sorry, didn't see you replied to me. You have to go to the same chapter I replied on, and then make your comment. Otherwise the bell in the top left corner won't light up. I blame Knighty.

I want to tell you all of this, because I'm asuming you're new to writing and never had formal instructions or a natural grasp at the art of fanfiction.

Anyways, I would start on characters. All the interactions are so forced onto the reader. It's the fact that they meet each other for the sole reason of having to meet each other. They're friends, because they are forced, by you, to be friends. No other reason.

Also, the dialogue is stiff and honestly, bordering cringe worthy. Mostly because, they don't actually sound like people.

“My names Golden Harvest, but my friends call me Carrot Top. This is Lyra," she nodded to the unicorn beside her who flashed a natural smile. Vinyl grinned back.

“Carrot Top? How’d you got that nick-name?” Vinyl retorted with joking sarcasm as she regarded the pale mare’s cutie mark once more.

That isn't funny, nor does it flow with the story, so it breaks rhythm.

How you fix this is up to you, but here are my tips.
One, treat your characters like people. They say things that normal people would say. Next time you talk to your friends or family, be observant in the little things they say and how they say it. YOu should notice that conversations always have a rhythm and flow. Ever talked with a guy with autism or no ability for social skills. They have no grasp on this concept and will just hit or miss moving with the flow, and people will try to smooth things over to the best of their abilities to keep the groove a grooving.

Second, world build, and then hold back the world. If you look at the world around you, there is so much going on and things that are being said. If you asked your dad, "How was work?" he will most likely say, "It was nice" or "Eh, it was a slow day". Yes, he certainly had a day of work, but he will not tell you any details on whim, which is natural. People don't front load information during a regular conversation, unless there is a story you want to tell, but even then you don't tell people things until they become relevant.

Bon Bon, has math during fifth period with Mr. Cranky Doodle, which is on the other side of school from where her locker is.

"Hey, Bonnie, where ya goin, we still got three minutes till class?"
"Sorry, lyra, gotta get to class. See ya later"
"Kay bye."

There was a lot of information here, but I didn't use it, because it wasn't necessary. You're not doing splice of life, so you don't have to make the days feel full for our main character, in this case Vinyl Scratch, by loading in filler time. It should be getting us from point A to point B, with only as many details as we need to feel for the area and what's going on, and as many interactions as needed to be natural.

So in all, take notes on everything about the world, but then give out as much as naturally given. The character learns as we learn.

3: Your characters feel half empty. They really don't have much of a personality, other than, "this girl is from here, and this girl has a brother, and she likes ping pong..." There's really nothing in attitude or actually making them feel unique. What you need to do (and this is a tip I was given at a fanfic panel in Bronycon) is sit down at a table and talk to your characters. Like sit in a chair, and have conversation with Lyra sitting in a chair across from you. Ask about the weather, talk about video games, whatever. Just talk to them and flesh them out. If you really GET your characters their voice should come out naturally in your writing.

Here you go. Hope this helps.


This just feels too much like fanfiction.

In a bad way

Did you get the notification properly now?

Thanks! That gave me a lot to work with. Been trying to pay attention with how I converse with my friends but I can never remember to. Conversation comes naturally and I guess I've just been thinking too hard on what the characters 'should' say instead following the natural flow of it all. I really appreciate that you took the time to type up all that advice. I'm fairly new to the whole fan fiction thing and it's awesome that there are people who are willing to help you improve with some constructive criticism.

I'll revamp the next chapter I have in the works and hopefully, improve the flow and characters. Thanks again!

I can read you crisp and clear

Your welcome. I know this doesn't come naturally to everyone (not that I'm a natural writer), so I try to bear with anyone with the willingness to try and improve. And like anything, you really only improve with practice and pointers, not solely one or the other.

Unfortunately, the story is kinda dead to me, so I won't be given you pointers as you go, but don't stop writing this because of me and just look for unbiased, outside sources to analyze this stuff for you every now and then.

Until I see this fic again randomly,
Good luck, have fun

It has been annoying her many years of how restricted her movements and actions were due to her age.

It had been annoying her for many years, how restricted her movements and actions were due to her age.

He told Vinyl before his began glowing.

He told Vinyl before his horn began glowing.

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