Who is Ruby Sparkle, and who were her parents? We all have a past, but this one is even darker than Princess Luna's.
Night walker might seem to be a hero to the batponies..
But, what is the truth behind Ruby's character?
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 4th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 21st, 2021
Night-Moon-12
I love my little pony so much I want to write my own stories, just to be able express my thoughts and feeling freely just feels super great.
Night-Moon-12
Joined 4th Aug, 2014 ·
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3edgey5me
I'm sorry, but what do you mean?
This part at the beginning is completely unnecessary.
Lost my interest in this story from the very first line. Your wording could've been done much better and the use of a symbol really makes your story look lazy. If anything, the first line of a chapter, let alone the entire story, is meant to captivate the reader. Describing a character, even the main character, is not a good way to go about this.
One way to fix the wording of the sentence would be to write something like "It was a beautiful day as the sun shone brightly , a gray mare looking out onto the day, purple and white streaking through both her mane and tail as her eyes shone a brilliant crimson. Barely a glint of a fang could be seen edging over her lips."
Yes I made that two sentences but meh.
Last thing I gotta say, because I'm too tired to read past the first two sentences, would be you should've started with and extended the second sentence.
E.g. "Despair was written across the face of the gray mare, purple and white streaking through both her mane and tail as her eyes shone a brilliant crimson. She looked out onto the beautiful, bright day, the sun shining brightly as barely a glint of a fang could be seen edging over her lips."
I re-used some of what I wrote before but I'm hoping you get my idea.
thanks
Is this based off Second Princess of the night?
Original characters are important man. -10 awesome points
5367034, thank you.
5366704 , sort of but I thought it might be a good idea idea to give Ruby a backstory...
5367248 But wasn't Ruby an "alternate personality" to Twi? Or is this the backstory Night Walker made for her?
5367925, this kinda like the "alternate personality" to Twilight but it got me thinking... 'What Ruby really lived before Twilight did? What if she really was Princess of the Vamponies?' So I thought for about 5-6 weeks on the matter, came up with this story.
5367952 Ah. It looks interesting, but right now I'm preocuippied with the Immortal Game and Inner Glory. When I finish them, I'll have a look at this.
5367974, take your time...
interesting start good idea you have. will read if more to come.
Interesting idea.
Found an error though.
And.
It feels a little rushed though. You should draw it a little longer.
Oh, and:
DETAILS MAKE A GOOD STORY (most of the time)
But good idea, and interesting so far.
The Horse speaketh
5371146
That was a mistype... But thanks for that...
Night
5407991 If I start over I'd lose my mind... It' happened the last time I tried.
Night
You've got some grammar errors going on there and that last bit is a fragment describing the character. It has to do with which article (a/an/the) to use. This page might be useful: link Unless this particular day is exceptionally beautiful (and maybe not even then) you want the indefinite article ('a') rather than the definite article ('the'). On the other hand to say 'the sun' is appropriate because there is only one sun to which you would refer. If you had a world that had a binary star for a "sun" then you'd need to be more specific. Also, crimson is a shade of red, so 'crimson red' is somewhat redundant. Your writing could use some work in general.
P.S.
The concept seems somewhat interesting, but the reader is very much in the dark in terms of world lore. It isn't necessary for that to be the case, even if some mystery is good writing since you might like the reader to be surprised on occasion. It might be useful to explain a little about your vamponies somewhere, perhaps at the beginning. Otherwise, the implications of what Ruby Sparkle's mother said are completely lost on the reader beyond some vague contextual clues.
This could be much better if the quality of the writing were improved. You could probably also spend a couple chapters covering her early life which would make those details seem a little less flat. There's a lot of stuff sort of thrown in that doesn't really mesh well. Things like her comment regarding whatever spell disguises her a normal pony and the implication that she knows things she couldn't/shouldn't. Then there's how she's made to be Luna's adopted daughter and yet whatever of her life before Ponyville isn't mentioned and doesn't seem to affect her. It feels like you made up a character, threw her in, and then cobble together a thin backstory.
6288330
Thanks for the error notice, but this a sequel to The Legend of Vamponies: The Beginning
Night
Pls continue this story it's good....