Hangovers are never easy
Anon takes a slow breath in through his nose and lets it out his mouth. This ritual of his seems to do little to calm him. He deals with this kind of stuff on a daily, but with how shitty his day has been going, not to mention the hangover, he finds his last nerve being pulled. He honestly doesn’t know why he’s doing this, but it’s already too late to stop now.
“There is no way I’m selling my candy for any lower than the marked price. The price has always been the same since day one. We here at Anon’s shop make sure that the candy we produce is of the highest quality when compared to our competitors, at the fraction of the cost. Selling it any lower would be nothing less than an insult to myself and the ponies that work for me.”
Anon can’t even count how many times he’s said this before. Again, it’s a daily thing, but the hangover is making him sound far more irritated than usual. He would like to crawl into bed and sleep it off, but a job’s a job and he’s not going to put a harder workload on Lyra and Bonbon because of his night of debauchery. If only his brain didn’t feel like it had a heartbeat, then he’d be doing fine right now.
“There is no way I’d pay this outlandish amount for candy?!”
That’s the last straw. He’s heard a lot from these ponies, but he’s not going to sit here and just take this shit, not while he feels as horrible as he does right now.
“Outlandish?!” He shouts catching the mare off guard from the volume change. “How much of a cheapskate are you that you can’t pay two bits for a bag of chocolate?!”
The mare looks offended. “How dare you?!”
“How dare I?! How dare you come into my shop and try to weasel your way into getting a lower price, which I might add is practically dirt cheap?!”
“Um, Anon?” Lyra tries to grab his attention.
“One second, Lyra.” Anon says calmly, never losing eye contact with the mare in front of him. “I swear you posh Canterlot types are the most stingy, cheap and annoying ponies on this planet! Hell, the only reason I’m even here is because it’s easier to visit the princesses!”
The mare is frozen in place unsure how to answer. She doesn’t know how to respond to Anon’s hostility. Lyra feels kinda bad for the mare. This isn’t uncommon for the shop. Lyra has seen more than a few new customers come in and try to bargain with Anon over the price. While she will admit that he seems far more irritated than previous times this has happened, what he says is true. The prices for his candy is the lowest here in Canterlot.
Many of the other stores have prices that nearly triple his. Though he won’t admit it, Lyra knows he makes the price low so foals can come into the shop without worrying over how much his candy costs. Not to mention that he makes every pony that cooks or touches the product wash their hooves every few minutes to ensure cleanliness. Still, Anon shouldn’t have to do this, seeing as she’s here to help.
“Anon.” Lyra rests her hoof on his hand to grab his attention. Anon looks back at her. “Why don’t you take a few minutes to cool off?”
Anon can see that all the ponies in the store are looking his way. Lyra’s right. This hangover is making him far more irritated than usual. He needs to get a grip. Perhaps some fresh air will do him some good?
“Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”
As Anon walks away he can hear the pony he yelled at before letting out a snort.
“Now that the beast is gone, let’s talk pr-”
“You cheap broodmare!” Lyra yells. “Don’t you dare talk about Anon that way!”
Anon can’t fight his smile as he walks out of the shop. Yeah, a bit of fresh air will definitely help him.
“I’m sorry?” Shining looks at the Princess confused.
“It’s as I said, Captain. Any and all orders given by me last night were made while I was under the influence of salt. I need you to inform me about any and all things that may have transpired that night.”
Well, that does make a bit of sense now that Shining thinks about it. Both of the sisters and Anon seemed to be acting very strange last night. Shining didn’t think much about it seeing as they weren’t causing trouble, at least for him. He casts a brief glance at the table that’s filled with cake boxes. There is that.
“Well... I guess it all started when the three of you came into the barracks.”
Shining is looking over a few more forms that were sent in by ponies that wish to join the guard. Many of them have references and contacts from jobs to vouch for them. That matters little in the royal guard. If ponies can’t complete the training then there’s no way they’ll be accepted. He’ll need to plan a gathering to put these stallions to the test. Shining has seen a lot of things in his time with the guard and those colts need to be ready for anything, because that’s what truly makes the guard special, to look at any situation with a stoic and controlled attitude.
Shining’s attention is taken from him as he hears a large bang from outside his office. Then the laughter of ponies can be heard echoing all the way to his office. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but if some of the privates went out partying again, he’s going to make them gallop till they vomit. Shining gets out of his seat and walks to his office door. When he opens it, he pauses at what he sees.
“I think we went the wrong way.” Anon says to Luna.
“I think you are right.”
“Princess Luna? Anon?” It seems they’re not alone either. “Princess Celestia?”
Shining notices that Celestia also comes walking into the barracks a few moments after Anon and Luna. Anon takes notice of Shining and stumbles over to him. He’s always been curious about something. Shining can already smell the alcohol on Anon, it’s practically filling the room. Do humans even get drunk? Well, it seems like it. Anon kneels down, swaying as he does so. He then grabs Shining’s chest plate and pulls him close so they’re face to face.
“T-Tell me shumthin.” Anon slurs. “Your name, how’d you get your name?”
Shining is thoroughly confused. However, he’s dealt with drunks before. It’s best to play their games if they aren’t acting violent.
“My parents named me Shining Armor.” He answers honestly.
“~I told you.~” Celestia calls out in a singsong voice.
Anon whips around to face her. “Quiet! I don't believe you ponies name your kids so perfectly.”
“It’s magic.”
Shining can see Anon getting red in the face, if that were even possible given his current state. Anon quickly turns back to face Shining. He looks him over a bit before a grin appears on his face.
“Aha! How do you explain that?” Anon points to his armor. “It’s not shiny at all!”
Shining looks down at his armor. It has been a few days since he last polished it.
“Just admit it’s magic.” Celestia says.
“Never!” Anon stands back up and walks up to Celestia. “Why is he a guard and not a janitor that cleans armor?!”
“~Anon~”
Shining watches as Luna stands onto her back hooves and wraps her forehooves around Anon’s waist. Are the princesses also drunk? He shakes that thought away. In all the years being here, Shining has never seen either sister get drunk. Well, at least, Celestia doesn’t look drunk. Luna on the other hoof looks to be just as trashed as Anon.
“L-Let’s forget about this and do something fun.” Luna suggests.
Anon shakes his head as if trying to focus.
“What should we do?”
“I want to go to the coliseum. Let us battle, like the good old days.”
Anon nods. “Sure, that sounds fun.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, sister.” Celestia speaks up.
“Come now, Tia. We ride!”
Luna lets go of Anon and slips under his legs so that he’s seated on her back. The both of them running off before Celestia can respond. She looks back over to Shining and walks up to him with her usual grace.
“Shining Armor. Should ponies come to morning court, they must bring a cake with them.”
“Um, prince-”
“That is an order, Captain.”
“Ok...” This night is getting weirder by the minute.
Without another word Princess Celestia leaves in a mad dash. Maybe this has something to do with Anon? Well, it doesn’t matter. He needs to figure out how to inform everypony about the new rule for morning court, before tomorrow. He lets out a sigh. This is going to be a long night.
“That’s all you know?” Celestia asks.
Shining nods. “After that, the three of you left.”
Celestia gives a thoughtful nod. So what happened after that? It’s pointless for her mind to dwell on something she cannot know.
“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Captain. Return to your duties and please inform everypony that bringing a cake is no longer required for morning court.”
He gives a nod. “Very well.”
Celestia watches Shining leave her court. No matter how hard she tries to wrack her brain, she can’t find any memories of last night. She can only hope that this is as far as their shenanigans went. She magics over one of the boxes of cake. At least this will help make her feel better.
Anon is walking down the streets of Canterlot trying to clear his thoughts. He wished this place had some kind of hangover magic, but that sadly isn’t a thing in either world. At least, the fresh air is making him feel better. He looks at all the shops, peering through the windows to see what each owner has for sale. There are many things for sale in Canterlot, if you look hard enough you can pretty much find anything. Anon remembers the one time he walked into a pony sex shop. That was something he could’ve lived the rest of his life not knowing. Anon turns away from some jewelry store but feels something poking his leg.
That’s odd... Anon reaches inside his pocket and feels his hand graze something. With his curiosity growing, he gently grasps whatever it is and pulls it out. Why does he have a yellow feather in his pants? It’s not just any run of the mill feather either. It looks pretty large, not Celestia large, but rather large. Anon can only sit there and look at the feather in thought. Where did it come from?
“Why didn’t you tell me you got a marefriend?”
Anon jumps in shock at the sudden voice and quickly turns to face it. Floating beside him is Spitfire. His shock quickly turns to happiness.
“Hey! It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you.” Anon says genuinely happy to see her.
She lands beside him.
“I know. I’ve been busy, as usual.” She then waggles her eyebrows. “So have you, if that feather is anything to go by.”
Anon is confused now. He looks at the feather in his hand and then back at Spitfire.
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t know?”
“No?”
She shakes her head. “That’s a primary feather. Only somepony special will give you their primary feather like that.”
Anon hates this place the longer he stays here. So much stuff about this culture he doesn’t understand. However, the real question is where he got the feather? There seems to be a mystery on his hands.
“Curiouser and curiouser.”
Anon moves the feather closer to Spitfire until it’s touching her fur. He can hear her chuckle.
“It’s not from me. As much as I like you, I don’t think we’ve known each other long enough for me to be interested.” She then bumps him with her hips. “Get to know me more and maybe we can fool around.” Anon feels his face redden. That makes Spitfire laugh at his embarrassment. “Lighten up, Anon. I’m just messing with you.”
Anon can only shake his head as he looks over the feather again. Why does this color look so familiar? What pony does he know that’s yellow?
“Oh, Anon! I’m so glad I found you.”
Anon freezes as all the pieces fall into place. The voice that just called to him, the yellow feather in his hand. This is Fluttershy’s feather. Anon painstakingly turns to where he heard the voice. Fluttershy is standing there looking up at him with a smile. She notices an odd look he’s giving her.
“You don’t look so good, Anon. Are you alright?”
Anon closes his eyes and takes a slow breath in and lets it out. He can’t overreact right now. That won’t solve anything, only the truth will solve his problems. When he opens his eyes he notices that both Spitfire and Fluttershy are looking at him with concern. Anon takes the feather and puts it into his pocket. He’d rather do this somewhere private. It’s probably another misunderstanding, like that one time when he was naked in bed with the princesses.
Anon clears his throat some. “Sorry. Fluttershy, this is Spitfire. Spitfire, Fluttershy.”
The both of them look at each other. Spitfire extends her hoof and Fluttershy does the same.
“So you know Anon?” Spitfire asks as they shake hooves.
“Kinda.”
Anon interrupts them before they start talking. He needs to get this entire thing off his mind. One less thing to worry about on this day will be a saving grace.
“Sorry if this is sudden, but are you busy, Fluttershy?” Anon asks.
She shakes her head. “Not at all. What do you need?”
“I need to talk to you. Can we head on back to the castle?”
“Um, ok.”
“Great.” Anon looks back to Spitfire. “Will you be free later?”
Spitfire nods. “Yeah, today’s my day off.”
“Cool, maybe we can hang out?”
Spitfire looks at Anon confused. Does this have something to do with that feather? Spitfire looks at Fluttershy and takes notices of her color. It finally hits her. Well, it’s not any of her business anyways.
“Yeah, I’ll stop by the castle later.”
Anon is quick to turn on his heels towards the castle. Fluttershy looks over at Spitfire and pauses for a second.
“It was nice meeting you.” She whispers.
“Nice to meet you too.”
Fluttershy quickly trots after Anon, leaving Spitfire alone. Not that she minds. She’ll probably head over to his shop for a bit. It is her day off after all.
Fluttershy has been following Anon the entire way through Canterlot and back to the castle. The entire time Anon hasn’t spoken a single word to her. They’ve just been walking in silence. She hopes that he’s alright. She honestly hasn’t known him long enough to know if this attitude is a good or bad thing, but it kinda reminds her of how he acted around her before they talked. Finally, Anon makes it to his room and shows Fluttershy inside. Once he’s sure they’re alone he speaks to her.
“I’m not going to make this longer than it needs to be.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the feather. “How did I get this?”
Fluttershy perks up when she sees the feather.
“Oh, that’s easy. You took it from me.”
“I took it?”
She nods. “Yesterday you asked if you could have it. You were a bit intoxicated, but I was alright with it.”
Fluttershy knows about yesterday? This could be good, here’s his chance to learn more about what happened.
“Tell me everything you know.”
Fluttershy is glad to know that Anon isn’t in a bad mood. Not only that but he wants to talk to her. She’s hopeful that this is a small step towards a possible friendship. She doesn’t expect it to happen overnight, but every little bit counts.
“Alright. First, it started when I was heading towards the dining hall.”
“I hope the princesses don’t mind me being a bit late.” Fluttershy whispers for herself.
Fluttershy is walking down towards the dining room where the princesses and Anon are waiting. She knows deep down that Anon and her will probably never be friends, but she’s happy knowing that he’s, at least, willing to be around her. It’s a far different side of him than she’s used to seeing. Now she actually gets to eat dinner with him. She wonders if he’ll eat any meat as she finds her mind worrying over his dietary health. Maybe that’s just her guilt from the past, but she knows that it’s just in her nature to worry.
As Fluttershy approaches the dining room she can already hear laughing coming from within. She’s surprised when she can clearly hear the most masculine voice laughing inside. Is Anon laughing? She doesn’t know of any other pony that should be in there other than Blueblood and Fluttershy knows that he’s been stuck in his room trying to figure out what to wear for dinner. Fluttershy hesitates at the door. Should she intrude? Maybe she shouldn’t, Anon is, after all, having a fun time. So maybe she would ruin it?
However, the choice in the matter wasn’t up to her. The doors to the dining room fly open to reveal the two sister’s and Anon. What Fluttershy notices first is the strong scent of alcohol. The next thing she notices is the large smiles on all three of their faces. Anon looks down and his smile seems to grow as he spots Fluttershy.
“H-Hey Fluttur, F-Flutterby. What’ch uh up to?”
Fluttershy can sense that something isn’t right here. Anon doesn’t seem like he’s coherent and she can assume that it’s probably from alcohol. She’s seen more than a few ponies get drunk during cider season, so she knows the signs.
“Oh, Anon.” She flies up and places a hoof on his shoulder. “Here, let me get you to bed. You shouldn’t be walking around like this.”
“Is no problem, Butter... Flubbershy.”
“I insist that you get some rest. I’ve seen what drinking can do to a pony.”
“T-There ain’t no ponies here, just one human and three ponies.” He chuckles a bit to himself.
“Anon, I want to do something fun!” Luna says.
Anon nods. “Yeah, fun... Let’s go to the Everfree and fight some stuff.”
Luna’s eyes shine brightly at that, but both Celestia and Fluttershy don’t seem to like that idea.
“You can’t do that!” Fluttershy shouts. “You could get seriously hurt.”
“I agree.” Celestia nods her head.
“Killjoy.” Anon says. He then looks at Luna. “What else is there to do?”
“I say we find something to tip over.”
Anon nods. “I can get behind that!”
Anon and Luna both walk over to something and start pushing.
“Anon...” Fluttershy calls out.
“Not now, Butterfly. I’m pushing things.”
“That’s a pillar.” Fluttershy states aloud.
Both Anon and Luna look up to see that what they’re pushing is, in fact, a pillar. Well, so much for that plan.
“Now that you’ve got that out of your system.” Celestia speaks up. “I suggest we go to the fair.”
Anon and Luna look at each other, the both of them shrugging at that.
“Fine by me.” Anon says.
Fluttershy doesn’t know what to do to stop them. She knows that they can get into a lot of trouble if she lets them go. However, she is brought from her thoughts as a shadow hangs over her. She looks up to see Anon is standing there looking down at her. He crouches down so they are face to face.
“I know you’re not a bad pony.”
Fluttershy is surprised at how clear and articulate that sentence was. Did Anon really believe that?
“Ano-”
Fluttershy jumps in shock as she feels a small twinge in her wing. She looks over to see that Anon pulled one of her primaries out.
“Mind if I kept this?” Anon asks in his oddly coherent tone.
Fluttershy can feel her face redden as she looks down at her hooves.
“O-Oh, Anon... I don't think I really feel the same wa-”
Fluttershy looks back up and doesn’t see Anon. Instead, she notices that he’s standing next to Luna as he tickles one of her ears with Fluttershy’s feather on one side of her ear, then when she looks that way he quickly moves his hand away, only to repeat the process. Fluttershy lets out a breath she wasn’t even aware she was holding as she once again faces the floor. For a second there, she actually thought... Well, that’s not important. She needs to stop them before things get out of hoof.
Fluttershy looks up to find that no pony or human is left in the hallway. She quickly spins around to find that they’re no longer in sight. Her shoulders slouch as she lets out a sigh. The chances of her finding them are slim, all she can do now is wait and maybe stop them when she finds them again.
“That was the last time I saw the three of you.” Fluttershy finishes her story.
“Really?” Fluttershy nods. “So, this feather is meaningless?” She nods again with a visible blush. “Well, that’s a load off my mind. So we went to the fair?”
“I can’t say for sure. All I know is that the three of you left in a hurry.”
“So what happened with you and Blueblood?” Anon asks curiously.
“That’s the weird thing. Blueblood never came to dinner. I just assumed he fell asleep in his room.”
Anon scratches his chin in thought. It’s slim, but it could possibly be another lead.
“Thank you for the help, Fluttershy.”
“Oh, it was no problem.”
Anon walks over to his door and opens it. He stops briefly and turns to face Fluttershy.
“You’re going to be leaving today, right?” He asks.
She nods. “I’ve already packed. I was just walking to the station to buy the ticket when I bumped into you.”
Anon isn’t sure why he’s doing this, but Fluttershy has been helpful to him. So it’s the least he can do to repay her.
“There’s going to be a party on Saturday. You wouldn’t be interested in coming would you?”
Fluttershy is frozen in shock. Did Anon just invite her to a party?
“Um... Yes, I would love to go.”
“Alright. It’ll be here at the castle. Pinkie and a few friends will be there.” Anon can already feel a sense of awkwardness building. “I gotta go. See you then, Fluttershy”
“See you, Anon.”
Fluttershy can feel a smile on her face. She can do this, she knows she can. It’ll just take baby steps to get Anon to be her friend. If she’s good at anything, it’s taking things slow.
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If she’s good at anything, it’s taking things slow.
Giggity.
I freaked out when I saw this. It has been such a long time since I read this. (At least, that's how it feels.)
Moar! Plz...
What could Luna have ordered in her drunken haze...
I am looking forward to the next chapter.
(I considered writing this comment in Drunkese. Would that have been a good idea?)
6689253 That sounds like an autism reference.
Not saying this as a bad thing, you protestant fuckbuckets.
Oh, how I love this story.
6799943 Immediate hellsing abridged reference in that blackbar area. Either that or you are awesome enough to be saying that normally
Drunk princess shenanigans are best drunk shenanigans.
It is interesting to see how Anon is just as neurotic as Twilight just that their neurosis leads them to do opposite actions. Twilight will do crazy and crazier things while Anon just shuts down.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/12/19/1047479__safe_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_equestria+girls_screencap_animated_animation+error.gif
You're back, haven't seen you since last year
pushing things over is a national human past time while drinking! welcome to the club luna!
*See update*
Hey babe, where are you been?
6800278
...Listen here you little shit
6800055 Combo of both.
So drunk Celestia is barely indistinguishable from normal Celestia, guess that's how the order for cake for court went through...how much salt did the princesses take anyway?
6800795 Enough to sustain a Roman legion for a month.
Thank you for the new chapter.
It felt somehow odly long since the last one, even if we got the last on ein November, I guess a lot happened in that time.
However good work.
The whole salt thing is just... I don't like that idea. No animal gets drunk off salt. Who started that stupid idea? They need a kick in the nads.
6801368 It's in the show. Over a Barrel episode I believe.
Yay
finally a new chapter. 
Oh man I've been waiting for this, guess Christmas came two times this year!!!
6801411
There's been a few stories where a human in Equestria gets ponies slightly intoxicated (among other amorous tendencies) simply by licking the sweat off the person... the silly idea being that human sweat has salt in it. And I recall RD getting nosey (like a cat rubbing against you) because of the way a human male tends to smell after a day or two of no bathing under the arms, again, this idea based off animals and certain scents "marking" a potential mate so others will know to back off. Must have been one of those offshoots to Xeno or Lero-verse... can't remember exactly.
Still, kinda funny when you start applying baser animal instincts and/or physiology to ponies.
Trope of binge drinking marriages/relationships... averted! And rather smoothly. Good job.
Great to see this alive again! Also Lyra's reaction after Anon left... priceless
Try to imagine such storyplot. Chrysalis strike, but instead Cadance, she kidnap and impersonate Anon. After all we all see that both Celestia and Luna are on clear road to love Anon. What is more powerful, love of one mortal stallion, or first love from unknown amount of years of two immortal demigods and probably some others persons? Of course Anon character is RATHER hard to imitate and if anyone of sisters would see through facade, then oncoming rage would been matter of legends. This very grim legends, that you tell very quietly.
Srry for bad grammar.
shhh, I'm pushing things
I want Anon drunk all the time!
NEW UPDATE!!!!!!!!! Wooooooooooooo KEEP 'EM COMING
6801411 Yep. I Applelooza there was this old pony who was kicked out of the bar for having too much salt, and he appeared to be intoxicated. If anyone is to blame for this idea it's Hasbro itself.
6801094 It's a shame not many will realize just how brilliant that reply was. Needs more upvotes.
I like this. :D
6801094 You sir, win the History reference award for Fimfiction!
...
...
That was fun, may I have another? Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
I highly duet THAT will be the end to the shenanigans that went on last night, and more is to come.
I live about a block away from a row of bars in a college town, and let me tell you guys and gals.
Drunks that knock over dumpsters* and their contents into the road as they walk home, are annoying ass hats!
There once was a drunk red neck ass hole that knocked over the mail boxes for my neighbors and I.
*The residential dumpsters where I am at are circular, thick plastic, and a bit top heavy.
I'm loving drunk anons shenanigans.
MOAR!!!!
Help I can't keep track of all the ships in this story
When is the next bit coming out? The story is pretty good.
6897992
The USS Anonshy
The RMS Lunanon
The HMS Celistianon
The SS Anonfire
And Lyra's cruddy dinghy that has a suspicios telescope pointed at the shoreline of a nude beach...
6799860
I keep picturing her pinning some (un)lucky stallion to the floor and her screaming that he's 'going to LOVE HER!'.
6800281
Funny. I talk to dogs when I'm drunk.
That's not a joke, by the way.
7009299
you mean that is not normal sober?
Gotta love drunkin shanagins.
I'm a bit ashamed to say this but I actually laughed so hard I threw up...
6799860 I'd love to like this comment, but then I'd ruin the fact that you have 69 likes.
7957482
How about now? ^^
I...uh...
...Actually he's right. That would've made far more sense.
That whole "primary feather" thing. I don't know if I'm imagining it, but I seriously feel like I've seen this concept somewhere else before, too. Can't remember where.