Wow. Visiting this site again was like going back to my old neopets page. So much nostalgia.
Twilight is interrupted from her morning studies by a powerful, chilling magic. But after a while of looking and not finding anything, she goes back inside. Then she remembers that she never felt any strange magic in the first place.
But something seemed off about that one pony. If only she could remember him.
Thanks to Alcatraz for prereading!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You know what's nice after a long and hard day?
Sex.
But here, have a review.
~
So, uh... I'm not really sure what to think about this.
I feel like something happened, but I just can't figure out what. Maybe the symbolism is just flying right over my head. The narrative kept jumping around, which was intentional from what I can tell, but it was fairly disorienting. If that was the intention, then you hit that nail right on the head. I did like the bit about ponies turning to face Twilight, which was weird and creepy. I felt that the inclusion of Pinkie Pie just throws the whole thing off, as I was waiting for her to be funny and ruin the mood rather than her increasing the tension.
Actually, was this all a dream? That would explain everything jumping around like that.
Rating:
/5
Fave Line:
I freaked when I read that line, good on that.
Final Verdict: I want to show you something. Marvel as my each of my body parts move separately, much like an animation error.
5326268
After helping him edit the first chapter I can confirm that's the case.
5326410
Yay! I did it right then.
So I assume I have the go ahead to post this. I'm gonna go ahead and post this now. Message me if you want me to unpost before it passes moderation or something
5326268
Yeah, Applejack or Rarity would've probably fit the mood better. I relate to Pinkie and Twilight the most though, so I tend to write them into my stories more often.
Maybe I should try the other main characters some time. I'd probably be doing them with their families though if I was going for character interaction, or with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, since I feel that their families mesh together better than the mane six. (Take Pinkie Apple Pie for example. I normally don't like applejack, but she really reminded me of an old best friend in that episode.)
That was... odd, but odd in a good sense. I can tell this is all set up intentionally the way it is, though I can't figure it out yet. Suppose I'll need more time to get it, though from what I read, I quite enjoyed it.
Quite chilling, actually. Well done!
5329736
Thanks!
Must... resist... urge... to give hints!
This... is... infuriating!
but in the best kind of way 
it's really spooky, well-written - I can't wait for the next chapter 
I'm trying to figure it out... but failing 
I think I see the layers here, but I'm sorry to say that it's not really working for me.
If I'm interpreting it right, there's something going on where Twilight and/or Starswirl are stealing little moments from everyone's day in order to give themselves extra time in the future. Which is creating jerky animation glitches. The issue is that I don't have a sense of what's at stake. The ending implies that the creepy feeling throughout amounts to ... well, pretty much nothing; you can't have horror if nothing actually goes wrong.
(I might be missing textual evidence that it doesn't resolve as cleanly as it seems, but really, throughout the story, nobody seems at all concerned, except for Twilight (who calms down) and a couple of background ponies who we're just told were "taken care of". I don't even know what to make of that.)
Does this rely on information in the story description and/or cover art for context? Because that does seem to recontextualize it, but a) that's a little unfair and b) then i'm just lost.
5330719
That's pretty much what I was intending. I didn't want an obvious enemy that could be overcome or even fully understood. I was going for something closer to cthulu or other unfathomable horrors. And part of the unfathomable part here is that you can't even tell if the antagonist is good or bad, hurting or helping, etc.
I have to disagree here. The purpose of horror isn't to hurt the characters in the story, like movies like saw tend to do, but to instill fear or, well, horror. This is psychological horror.
Hmm, I thought I portrayed that decently well. Pinkie and Twilight were very concerned, until they did calm down. But the calming down was supposed to seem artificial, especially with the faulty logic and the misrememberance of events.
Did I not portray that right?
I meant this to be a bit open ended as to what exactly happened. Yes, the antagonist was definitely who you said, but I didn't want their actions or their results to be clear cut. This was inspired by an extra credits review of cthulu in video games, so I wanted to instill the same loss of control and even understanding that they talked about. (After all, to understand would mean you would know what to do in this situation, and that would mean you might be able to figure out a way to deal with, or at least mitigate, the horror. Here, you don't know if you can safely do anything without something completely unknown, ranging from life changing and good to horrible and fatal, happening to you.)
5330521
This was meant to be a one-shot. I could write a second chapter, depending on the reception I get, but I'd have to be delicate with that to not ruin the original story.
I don't want to have an open ended first chapter and have a lot of people thinking of different interpretations, and then choose just one interpretation and go against most people's ideas while ruining the mystery of it. If I were to write another chapter, I'm pretty sure I would try to make the story even harder to understand.
I figured out who it is easily once I read the story.Starswirl the Bearded!
5331601
Yay!
Originally it was harder, but too few people were getting it.
When did you figure it out?
5331610 it's the hat and bells. That's what I think when I think of the character, other than his beard.
5331624
Yeah, I was thinking of adding that too, but then it would be too easy to figure out who it was. It wouldn't seem like a challenge.
5331638 yeah, I know, it's why I marked it spoiler! Well, great job so far. I do wonder what actually happened there though...
5331651
I'm curious, do you think something good or bad happened?
5331696 I think it depends on your point of view, that some could classify it good and done bad. That's usually the case when time magic is involved. I don't think The Character would intentionally hurt Twi, so he thinks it's good.
5331715
Nice. I originally meant it as a sort of gift between kindered spirits, but one that was hard to understand.
I like how your interpretation is based on who the antagonist is, which is part of the puzzle.
Capitalize "Pinkie".
Is the mirroring intentional?
These confusing descriptions make me wonder just what the hell is going on.
And yet, if the events are strung together, night either came really fast or something is playing with Twilight's mind. Ponies are not really outside during the dark.
Something broke Twilight's sense of time and the logical flow of events.
The addition of the Star Trek background noise was interesting. Really didn't expect the little bleeping and images of flashing buttons it conjured. Twilight seems trapped in some sort of temporal tomfoolery, but why? Is this a story that will have clues sprinkled throughout that could lead an attentive reader to some conclusion before it is stated? There is the bit with the bells, that kinda made me think of Star Swirl and his hat.
Edit: Star Swirl it is.
5332420
Fixed the first two errors you mentioned.
The others... well, it looks like they had the effect I intended, unless by 'confusing descriptions' you mean that I didn't spend enough time describing certain things. If you think I should have described things a little differently, then I'm all ears.
5332489
Oh no, the "confusing descriptions" were good. I was noticing the time issues and so kept jumping up and down in the chapter to cross check things. Not sure but exactly the describing of parts of a head turning separately means. Seems almost as if you are having the mystery pony be slightly out of time with himself. Each part in a slightly separate timeline so actions are preformed in varying steps by each body part in a different line. I guess his body just isn't synchronized.
5333171
Ah, so I did good then.
Neat!
Was this supposed to be scary? To be honest it was just a bit odd and felt a bit weak....
This story fell flat for me. It was supposed to be creepy, but it didn't have any affect on me. And, those links to songs seriously messed me up each time I got to them. That green text just messes up the flow and I almost left the story the second I read the first line.
I'd really like to make this more like constructive criticism, as it sounds more like blatant complaints, but this story was too short and I don't really have anything good to say. Good grammar, I guess.
So, sorry about breaking the "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," rule. I just wanted to say that, because honest, unsugar-coated opinions do help, in the end.
Well, have a nice day! I hope I didn't sound 100% like a jerk! 99% is good enough, right?
5334219
5334534
I love criticism, but I can't really do anything with this. Also, I think someone else liked the songs, so I'm not even sure about the only specific point.
This is being sent to twilight's library, so if there is a problem, hopefully someone will tell me.
5334534
Wait, no, I might be able to use that greentext complaint. That's more a matter of design, not part of the story.
Since the greentext highlights whatever I put it over, I placed it on clauses that set the mood, but don't tell much about the future of the story. I think that should work better.
Does it work better?
Need a visit from the sun? ~Dr. Celestia~ ust.chatango.com/um/b/l/blacksilverflames/img/l_29.jpg
5336100 Yes, I like that much better.
This isn't going into my completed stories section because, well, it isn't quite complete.
This fic might have a rushed feeling to some, and that's because it speeds over some descriptions that the characters would usually take longer to scrutinize, even if they calm. For instance:
After she closed the door, I could have had Twilight think about how cute spike was when his chest just kept sinking and sinking into his body as he constantly breathed in. She could have stifled a chuckle when seeing the stack of comic books constantly swaying away from his basket-bed, proud that her little brother was becoming an avid reader like her. Then, she would slowly open the door, careful not to wake Spike when she arrived, because she truly didn't want to wake her brother for some small chore.
Read that example, then compare it to what I wrote in the story, and you'll see why some commenters are saying 'it just fell flat'. It didn't really fall flat, it just didn't take the time to flesh itself out and reach the full potential of the premise.
I may rewrite this if I don't have something for the next Twilight's Library opening, but I'll probably just write another one-shot, because I like being involved in a certain fic competition group.
There's never a connection between the suffocating spine chilling cold and the bleeding animation errors. It can't be that the errors are doing it to Twilight, since she only feels it once and as soon as the error happens it goes away. It can't be that the errors are taking Twilight out of it though, because they continue to happen and she's not feeling chilly at all. And it can't be that having an error causes it, because it was other ponies who had it not Twilight, and Spike didn't even seem to notice, while Pinkie was experiencing the chills and the errors, seemingly randomly.
There also aren't any others to deal with. He can't be referring to Pinkie since whatever he was doing didn't deal with her at all, since she's been retroactively at the bakery this whole time. He can't be referring to keeping Twilight alone, since he was there for one thing, and after she tried to set down and read then Spike came down the stairs. She was never worried about running out of time until the very end, like it was just thrown in as an afterthought.
The only thing I can think is he was trying to show her time, by interrupting the flow of it selectively so she could see it progressing. But that wouldn't explain why her past was altered such that she didn't even ask in the first place, and still doesn't address the spine chilling cold. I mean, it probably wouldn't have been as spooky a story if it went like,
"Hey there! I'm Star Swirl!"
"Star Swirl the Bearded!"
"Check this out. Bzam!"
"Twilight? Who's thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
"Holy Frito Lay what did you do?"
"Just a little time magic. Bzam!"
"at?"
"I can totally use that to have more time to read!"
"Only happy to help my biggest fan! I must go now. Time powers awaaaaaaaaaaaa-"
"Twilight, could we never ever do that again?"
"Sure Spike, as long as you never interrupt me while I'm reading a book."
"Hey I'm in this story toooooooooooooooo"
"Pinkie"
"ooooooooooo"
"Pinkie it isn't time magic if you just sit there saying ooo."
"Aww!"
Jesus that was creepy as hell and the comment below mine seemed to sum things up pretty well.
Fukken love fics that have music to them - and that employ it properly.
... Now I'm gonna go find something to scrub my ears of the echoes of music.
Why is that so weird? Moving your eyes without moving your head is a possible thing to do. Also, the cover art is broken, please fix it.