You're not what you think you are
“Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope.” Rainbow Dash said as she looked through the files in the ponyville hospital. Each pony’s file was open to public as long as it wasn’t taken for longer than a day without consult.
“How many pony’s names start with S?”
Rainbow Dash was desperate to find Scootaloo’s record. She was curious to know why Scootaloo isn’t able to fly yet..
“Scootanayovski? What the buck is that meant to mean?” Rainbow Dash said as she was met with a name that she thought said Scootaloo but it clearly doesn’t.
“Here, it is! Scootaloo.”
She opened up the file and read the birth certificate.
“Wait, What?” She said stumbling backwards. “No, how can this be?”
One day earlier
Rainbow Dash was flying around Ponyville, looking awesome for the twenty seventh time this week. Not that she’s the only pegasus that can actually fly. She smiled when she saw the Cutie mark Crusaders attempting to get their cutie marks. But also, something felt wrong.
She looked down to find Scootaloo attempting to fly.
Sometimes, i wish Scootaloo was able to fly right now. Having her by my side sometimes would be awesome
She watched as the sun went down over the horizon and the three retreated home. She saw Scootaloo enter the clubhouse and got a sharp pain inside. She always hated seeing Scootaloo enter the clubhouse. She knew she was perfectly capable of living on her own, as she’s been doing that for the past four years, apparently even before Rainbow Dash even knew about her. But she always wanted her to have a real family.
But she couldn’t just take Scootaloo away from the Clubhouse. She’s adapted to living there and she doubted Scootaloo even cared about living alone. The Clubhouse looked like a place that Scootaloo would never want to leave. Only the C.M.C and Rainbow Dash knew of where she lived.
Sometimes she would follow Scootaloo home, but she’d never interrupt and let Scootaloo know that she’s there. Can’t let Scootaloo know i worry for her. There would be days where Scootaloo would cry when she entered. Rainbow Dash doubted that it was because of the fact that Rainbow Dash and the C.M.C is all she’s got, and they’re not even an official family. But sometimes, she did.
She secretly looked through a window and saw Scootaloo with a sad expression on her face. She sometimes wanted to punch that expression of her face to make her feel better, but would that actually make Scootaloo feel better? She saw scootaloo go out of sight and moved to the front window to get a better view. But she accidently stepped on a nearby twig, and not a small twig, but a rather larger one that made a large noise.
“Hello? Anypony out there?” She heard Scootaloo say.
Crap, what do I do now?
“If you’re here for me, than you can just come in and get me, not that fearing you would make a difference.”
Rainbow Dash realised it was best to enter and show herself. She entered through the doorway revealing herself to Scootaloo.
“Rainbow Dash? What are you doing here?”
“Scootaloo, I have a secret I must let you know about.”
“What is it? You got into the Wonderbolts?”
“I Come here every night and stay for thirty minutes.” Rainbow Dash blurted out.
“But why would you do that? Do you think i’m in danger? You know why i’m here, you’re one of three ponies that know about my secret.”
“Scootaloo, I fear for you. I know you’ve been living here for four years. I know you’re perfectly capable of living here by yourself. But there are some nights that I see you and can’t help but follow you home.”
Scootaloo knew that her friends sometimes felt for her, but to have Rainbow Dash too, it was different.
“Scoots, I want to know if you’re still trying to fly.”
Still trying to fly? Of course i’m still trying to fly! I’m a pegasus and flying should be one of my destinys! she thought. She really wanted to say that, but she also understood what Rainbow Dash was talking about. She’s been trying for ages and at no attempt was she able to go more than hover.
“Yes, I am still trying to fly. And i’m starting to think that I was never meant to fly. Sometimes i think i was never meant to be a pegasus.”
“You’re not going to give up are you? You can keep trying right?” Rainbow Dash asked concerned.
“What’s the point? I should’ve started flying about 5 years ago. If i can’t fly now then do you really expect me to be able to fly now? I might as well give up on trying to fly! It’s bad enough when ponies try to encourage me!” Scootaloo exclaimed in anger.
“Scootaloo, i’m sure you will…”
“No! ? I’m not going to fly. It was never my destiny to fly. Maybe that’s why my parents left me. But i don’t care about my parents anymore. Flying used to be more important than my parents. Now neither is. I’m trying to forget about it. And i hope you will let me forget about it.”
Rainbow Dash was shocked. Surely Scootaloo would be able to fly. But was there some reason why she isn’t able to fly apart from being late?
“Scoots, if that’s what you want, then I Guess I should be going now.” Rainbow Dash said as she approached the door. She was met with no reply as she realised what she had done. She had taken a topic that she thought she knew a lot about, and made it worse.
I will always fear for you scoots. But there must be a reason why you aren’t able to fly yet. she thought as she started flying back towards her cloud house.
Maybe, the answer lies in her DNA. Her Genetics. I should probably check her record tomorrow.
Present time
Name: Scootaloo.
Parents: [REDACTED]
Race: Earth
Known Mutations: Wing shaped limbs.
Rainbow Dash stopped reading there and slumped down to process what she had just read.
Scootaloo is a mutated Earth Pony. But how would they know if she’s a mutated Earth pony and not a pegasus? Her wings look like normal pegasi wings. She thought as the puzzling information threatened to blow up her mind.
I Should go ask Twilight She thought as she left the Hospital with Scootaloo’s File and headed over to Twilight’s castle.
“Twilight? You here?” She asked as she entered the castle.
“She’s in her room studying.” Spike said peering out of the castle kitchen.
Rainbow thanked Spike and went up to Twilight's room and peered in.
“Twilight, I hope i’m not interrupting your studying, but I need to know something”
“Studying? Spike always says i’m studying whenever i’m just simply reading. Of course you can ask me anything.” Twilight replied peering up from her book.
“You know how Scootaloo isn’t able to fly yet?” She asked as Twilight nodded in reply. “Well you should take a look at this. Third and Fourth line.”
Rainbow Passed Twilight the Files and Twilight proceeded to read over them.
“Wait, so is Scootaloo an Earth pony? That makes so much sense.”
“Wait, you believe She’s an Earth pony? She could just be a regular Pegasus.”
“Rainbow, Each pony has a different magic:Void ratio that determines what race they are. For example, Unicorns have high levels of Magic, but low levels of void, which determines physical strength. As such, they are able to perform magic, but are considerably weaker than pegasi or Earth ponies. Pegasi have a medium level of magic:Void ratio and as such are stronger than Unicorns and weaker than Earth ponies. The level of Magic also means they’re able to walk on clouds and fly. A pony can have the same capacity as another, but they can have different volumes of magic.”
“You don’t mean…”
“Yes, Scootaloo is classified as an Earth pony here, as such she is unable to fly.”
“But she has wings! How should she not be able to fly?”
“Have you ever considered how you’re able to fly considering your wings are small compared to your body?”
“I, have never thought about that.”
“Pegasi are able to fly not only because of their wings, but the magic that helps them. Apparently Scootaloo is an Earth pony, as such her wings aren’t able to carry her.”
“So, Scootaloo was never meant to fly?” Rainbow Dash asked really concerned.
“Well, we don’t know if this file is correct, How about you bring Scootaloo here sometime and i’ll check her Magic:Void ratio.”
“I will bring Scootaloo here and i’m sure Scootaloo will be a Pegasus.”
“Why are you taking me to the castle?”
“You’ll see. And it’s important too.”
“Like how important?”
“You’ll see.”
“Can you stop saying that?”
“Yes, i can, but i probably won’t.”
Scootaloo had just left the school when she was told by Rainbow Dash to come with her. Not much information was given except that it was very important.
The Two entered the castle and were both met with Twilight who was ready with the spell.
“Hey Rainbow, Hello Scootaloo. You ready to begin?”
“Begin what?” Scootaloo asked confused.
“Scootaloo, we are going to learn the truth behind why you aren’t able to fly.” Rainbow Dash answered as she prompted to Twilight to begin the spell.
“And you still care why?”
“Because, We need to know for future reference.” Twilight answered as she charged up the spell.
“Well, if it’s for health reasons, then go ahead. As long as it’s not going to hurt.
Twilight charged her spell as she overlayed Scootaloo with it. She got a reading as the spell begun to check the Levels of Magic.
“Magic:Void check complete. Well, you’re in for a surprise Scootaloo. And Rainbow, you’ll regret saying what you said before. Scootaloo’s magic:Void Ratio is 3:17. Three parts magic, seventeen parts void.”
“And that means what?” Scootaloo asked confused as they have never told her what was really happening.
“It means, You’re not a pegasus. You’re an Earth Pony.”
“Wait, WHAT? But how? I have wings!”
“Scootaloo, let me tell you the full story. Yesterday after i left, i was concerned of why you aren’t able to fly. I checked your files at the Ponyville Hospital and it said you were an Earth pony. I wasn’t sure of it so i asked Twilight and now we just ran a scan to prove it.”
“Rainbow, You sound different.”
“I was, And still is worried. Apparently you’re wings are a mutation. As you’re an Earth pony, you don’t have the magic to fly, let alone walk on clouds.”
“And why should it matter? If this is what I am, then there’s nothing i can do about it.”
“Flying was your dream! But now you can’t live up to it.”
“No, flying was your dream. My dream was to be like you. And that meant being a pegasus. If i couldn’t fly then i wasn’t a true pegasus. And now, I know that i really am not a true pegasus.”
“But, if you can’t fly, then how do you expect to be like me?” Rainbow Dash said Tears forming in her eyes.
“Rainbow, who’s the kid here? I will still expect to be like you, even if i’m more directly related to AppleJack, you will always be in my heart, and I expect you to stay there.” Scootaloo said comforting Rainbow Dash.
“I’m sorry, it’s just. You’re growing up so fast. You don’t even feel the same as you were two years ago. When I saw you were still trying to fly, it upset me alot.”
“I have lived by myself for about half my life. As long as you’re there for me, I will thrive. And I will always be your little Scootaloo.”
Scootaloo gave Rainbow Dash a big hug as Rainbow Dash whispered in Scootaloo’s ear.
“No, I think i’ll be the little pegasi.”
“And i’ll be the Big Earth pony. Besides, I’ll be an Earth pony with wings. That adds lots of possibilities.” Scootaloo said as she pushed away. “There’ll always be racial differences.”
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D'awww the feels in this story
For being only thirteen, it's not a bad effort.
Here's a few suggestions:
(1) The pronoun "I" must always be a capital letter, never lower-case:
(2) Don't mix past-tense and present-tense verbs:
"She's adapted" is present-tense because the contraction "she's" means "she is", so you're saying "she is adapted." Past tense would be "she has adapted", and you generally can't use "she's" as a contraction for "she has". (Sometimes you can, but the default assumption is generally going to be that she's = she is, so it's better to just avoid the issue.) Mixing up your verb tenses makes it difficult for the reader to know what point of view the story is being told from, or what the actual sequence of events is.
(In dialogue, you can get away with mixing tenses occasionally, because people do talk that way in casual conversation. But for the actual narration outside of dialogue, tenses need to be consistent so as not to confuse the reader.)
(3) When you have a line of dialogue followed by a who-said-it-and-how (also called an "attribution", or a "dialogue tag"), the whole thing is treated as one single sentence. So, if the character's dialogue would normally end with a period before the closing quote mark, you use a comma instead, and you do not capitalize the first word of the dialogue tag unless it's someone's name:
If their dialogue ends in a ? or !, then you go ahead and use those like normal, but the whole thing is still considered one sentence and the first word outside the " mark is not capitalized unless it's a name:
(4) Remember the primary rule of storytelling: Show, don't tell. For example:
Don't just tell us that Rainbow Dash is "really concerned" or that Scootaloo is "confused" – show it, by describing their tones of voice, body language, or facial expressions. (Also, those sentences need commas after the speech verb "asked".) Like this:
This brings the reader closer to your characters, and helps them to feel the same things the characters do.
(5) As part of "show, don't tell": try to put more detailed descriptions of things, especially when it comes to where the characters are or what they're doing. As it stands right now, a lot of this story pretty much takes place in a blank white room as far as the reader can tell; there's no description of what the hospital's records room looks like, or what the rooms in the castle look like, or even which room they're actually in when Twilight does the scanning spell. Are they in the throne room? Twilight's bedroom? Has Twilight built a new laboratory in one of the castle towers? We can't tell, and without those details, the story is basically just ponies standing in an empty room talking at each other.
Remember, this isn't television.
You may have a clear picture in your head of what everything looks like, but we can't see the same things you see unless you describe it to us.
(6) The whole "magic / void" thing really needs a lot more explanation. Is this something that you made up, or is it something you borrowed from another show? Whenever you bring in something that's not part of the established MLP:FIM universe as seen in the TV show, you need to explain it so that the readers can understand what it is, where it came from, and how it is that the MLP characters know about it. It's the same as if you wanted to have the ponies carrying cell phones around – you can do it, but you have to give the reader some background on how, and why, the ponies in your story can have cell phones when the "canon" ponies in the TV show very clearly have not invented cell phones yet.
Same with Scootaloo being a "mutated earth pony." Normally, extra limbs would be a fairly severe birth defect – and for those limbs to actually be functional in any way would be extremely unusual, to say the least. Yet here, it doesn't really seem to bother anyone all that much, least of all Scootaloo herself. Is this something that happens so often that no one's really surprised by it anymore? If so, why is it so common that no one's surprised or disturbed by it?
(7) Scootaloo's dialogue seems much too mature and rational for a child who's still in grade school. (A lot of authors struggle when it comes to writing believeable dialogue for kids, though, so don't feel bad.
)
There are a few other things you should be careful of (misplaced or missing punctuation, randomly capitalizing words in the middle of a sentence, not capitalizing proper nouns like "Ponyville"), but those are the top seven.
But, like I said – coming from a writer who's only 13, it's not a bad effort.
Good writing is like anything else; it takes practice, and we learn by doing. Keep at it!
5344936 Heh, yeh. I'm almost finished my first Year in High school (My English Teacher won't be there to tell me about capitalisation and to criticise me on the easiest things). And about the part where you think Scootaloo is too mature, i felt that she's never had anyone really properly babying her. She has Rainbow Dash, but she doesn't really Try to baby her as she knows it's not going to make things better.
5345457
Well, it's not a matter of whether or not anyone's "babied" her, it's more a matter of emotional development and maturity. Most 8-to-10-year-olds (which I think is about the age the CMC are meant to be) aren't usually quite that self-aware and logical in their thought processes, especially when it comes to personal disappointments or other highly-emotional situations.
Um... if you're a high-school freshman, you should already know the rules of capitalization and basic punctuation, really. (Hint: in that sentence, none of those words should be capitalized except for "I'm".) Didn't they teach you that in elementary school? Or don't they teach it there anymore?
(By the way – all you guys who are downvoting the story? The least you could do is leave a comment explaining why you didn't like it; how are they supposed to know what they're doing wrong unless someone tells them?)
If Scootaloo wasn't able to walk on clouds, much less manipulate them, how could she grab that piece of cloud needed for the Love Poison?
Choppy dialogue, and plenty of grammar mistakes. Sorry, you got a downvote.
5344936 You know, it's so great to see someone helping out a new author here without tearing them to shreds. We need more of this.
Cute! I wish I could like this more than once, I guess this also being on my favorite list will do, Are you going to make a sequel? Because I think a sequel to this would be cool.
5345662 They did teach me, but i was so focused on actually finishing this. 'nuff talk.
5347053
Eh, I just wondered; I've heard other people say that they actually don't teach that stuff anymore, or that some school systems don't teach it until you get to high school... which I have a hard time believing; but then, back when I went to school in the 70s and 80s, they had us doing Reed-Kellogg sentence diagramming exercises in 4th grade, and they definitely don't seem to teach that in most elementary schools anymore!
It was okay...
I did not like the writing style - most sentences are jarring in that they don't flow together well. Probably upwards of 50 capitalization errors, and a bunch of spelling errors too. Even considering that, the style is too simple, and all the characters sound the same. Plot was also too simple - "scoot not Pegasus. Dash finds out. Dash tells scoot. The end."
Honestly the rating has me turned away at the start, but I decided to read it anyway to see if it were true. It was.
5347098 Australian education. apparently 12th grade exams is like university exams, albeit probably 20% less hard. Wait, are you trying to get to me?
5346267 I've been procrastinating for ages, I've finally got a story I have full faith in.
I might do a sequel, really depends.
I didn't realise your comment existed.
5576097 Hope you do!
Neat.