We all know wars are a bloody business, but this is what happens when you put pastries into the mix...
Rated T for: Mild language, mature plot line, and in general items not everyone may get.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 14th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Jan 13th, 2018
Danthebronyman
I love romances, mild gore, and comedies. I'm a new proofreader in the proof reader group. Look in there to find what i prefer to read, etc. I look forward to proofreading for you.
Danthebronyman
Joined 14th Nov, 2014 ·
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*stares in disbelief* I'm applying a downvote to this for sheer bad writing.
That's just one paragraph and it caused me pain. Sadly, CM Punk has not done a Grammar Slam for New/Knew yet, otherwise I would link that, too.
Also, it's Confectionery in your title, not Confectunary.
A minute is a unit of time.
A minuet is a dance, you dunce.
In UNISON. I highly doubt the crew has a union, although Celestia only knows with Pinkie Pie.
Your ranks are suspect, your use of language should be keelhauled, dangled from the yardarm, and put in a boat, rowed past all the ships of the fleet and flogged, and your punctuation should be confined to quarters with nothing but a barrel of weevil biscuits.
Get an editor. Get some help. Make this better.
5317287 well, atleast you gave a reason why you didn't like it.
I felt obliged. You deserved to know. <3
5317296
Typo in the goddamn title. Dozens, maybe hundreds more typos within. Atrocious overall writing quality. No character grasp. No sense of spacing. No sense of pacing. No sense. Absolute trash from start to finish.
You cannot spell, you cannot write, you do not belong in front of a computer period, much less on the internet, and much MUCH less on this website. Seriously, you try to put this piece of work in front of the public eye, and then you question somebody who tells you it's terrible? You're inexcusable.
5317331 thanks! I fixed the errors, now to move onto my crappy dialog...
5317335
I think he figured it out.
Dan: You can go with 'said' often. It becomes invisible to the readers' eyes after a while and lets them get some flow to reading your fic. You may also need (God, why am I encouraging it?) more per chapter, to let people get a good rev up going into your story.
5317335 1st off, you don't haft to be a jerk. 2nd, I was merly stating "Thanks!, your one of the few people who can Actully tell someone why they don't like it." 3rd, I will not tolerate behavior like this! Constructive criticism is one thing, but being a jerk is another. Finally, you try writing over 1500 words without any help what so ever! I dare you.
5317352 not bad ideas! Also, sorry about the said thing, I feel like I use a cycle of words too many times. I replace some of these with "said" and that just makes it worse XD
I can hear that. What you might try is ignoring dialogue tags altogether in some cases and go with just actions instead. That way, you can get an
going.
5317390 wow, that makes it a lot better. Plus, it seems to also add comedic affect.
I highly highly highly suggest getting both an editor, and a proofreader, before continuing further with this story. Good story idea though.
5317397 I want to apologize for Ariamaki. That was uncalled for on his part, and completely immature and inappropriate. Your story isn't bad, it just needs some work to buff out the scratches. I hope he did not tarnish your faith in humanity. People like him just simply should not be tolerated or allowed to comment. Again, I am sorry he said those things to you.
5332481 I think I will get a proofreader, and type this up on something like god , or Microsoft word first and use it as a editing tool. Also, thanks!
5333325 gdoc*
More descriptions.