Chapter 2: The plan, and the gala.
5:30 PM THS Frosting.
"Chef, please bring out the wine, and food." asked Pinkie. "Ok, let's get talking here. Leftenants, Midshipmen, and Acting Leftenants. In my promotion letter, I was ordered to bring our ship to the Equestrian Ocean, meet with 15 other ships, and apparently, Her lordship, Twilight Sparkle, will be on board one of them to talk to us."
Gasps filled the room. But as that started, the servants brought them their meals.
"A toast to Her lordship, Admiral of the Fleet Pie! And to the success of the Cupcake navy!" ordered the 1st Leftenant.
"AYE AYE!" screamed the officers as the Admiral swung down a full glass of wine.
KNOCK KNOCK. "Per-mission to enter." asked a soft little voice.
"Who is it?" questioned the officers.
"Um, powder monkey Sweetie Bell." replied the soft little voice.
"We don't accept little wana bee's like you in here!" screamed one Midshipman."
They all gasps, everyone new the admiral was good friends with the little lass.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!" shouted the admiral as she pulled out a filly lock pistol from her uniform and pointing it at him. "Get out! Your being demoted to seaman! Oh by the way, Sweetie, you can enter."
As the filly entered and toke the ex-officers seat, she asked, "Ma'am, the other powder monkeys and I were wondering, what's going on?"
"Why don't you join us for dinner and find out?" replied the commander.
After Sweetie was briefed on the situation, she gasped in aw. "So, Twilight Sparkle is coming to see you?!" the young lass asked excitingly. "I idolize her!"
"Would you like to meet her?" Pinkie asked with a smirk on her face.
"YES!!!" squalled the filly.
After dinner, everypony went back to their duties. And Admiral Pie ordered to set sail. She also ordered for a marine to fetch Sweetie Bell and bring her in.
"Go on in Sweetie, Her lordship is waiting for you." he told her.
Sweetie then entered. "Ah, hello Sweetie, I have some, great news." said the officer with a big smile. "Since you just recently turned, 16 I believe? Your now eligible to be a Midshipman! And don't worry, I've already filled the paperwork. Congratulations, Midshipman Sweetie Bell. Also, I'll be personally mentoring you!"
The filly (more or less a filly) nearly fainted.
"I-I." stammered Sweetie.
"I think you've had enough excitement for one night lass. Off to bunk for you. Celestia knows you'll need it for tomorrow." replied Pinkie sweetly. " in fact, I think I'll get some sleep myself.
------------
7:30 AM, THS Frosting.
"Yawn! Aye, what's that noise?" questioned Sweetie. She saw a note on her bunk. It was on a navy blue cupcake uniform. The note read: Here's your new uniform, courtesy of the Admiralty. Cost me 30 bits sterling, but was worth it. -Admiral Pinkie
The newly appointed midshipmen just laughed as she put the uniform on. Then she heard some "interesting words".
"BEAT TO QUARTERS!" yelled the 2nd Leftenant.
"Wait, that means, ah! Were under attack!" jumped Sweetie Bell. She ran up to the main gun deck and saw Pinkie standing at ease and here hat was stained with gun powder.
"Ah, Sweetie Bell. These bloody muffin naval "soldiers" have been hitting us since 3 bells ago. Hell, the 3rd Leftenant got his leg blown clean off!" shouted Pinkie in anger. "By the way, mind commanding the starboard guns, the 3rd Leftenant was doing that..."
"Aye aye ma'am!" she replied.
Now of course, the other officers and crew where shocked when they saw her uniform. Obviously not knowing of her promotion.
She got to the Starboard cannons and ordered the crew to load them. Which, after seeing her rank insignia on the uniform, obliged.
"READY! AIM! OPEN FIRE!" she ordered with great volume. Then, all she could here BOOM! CRUNCH! It was the sound of 70 cannons firing at the enemy ship, blowing 2 decks of cannons to smithereens. She than gave the orders again, again, and again. 2 bells later the ship was underwater... Pinkie walked up with a smirk.
"Bloody hell, you should command guns more often." giggled Pinkie
Around Lunch time(11:30 AM), they reached their destination. Pinkie allowed Sweetie Bell to give the orders to anchor, lower the sails, and raise their flag(a 20x15 rectangle with a pink background to represent their fleet, and a cupcake with blue icing and a red X in the middle.
Not even 25 minuets later, the other 15 ships arrived. Then, Admiral Pinkie ordered a gunner to raise a couple of signal flags that say: All commanders report to flag ship for orders.
By noon, 15 officers in dress uniforms came up in row boats. Including one very special officer. But, as this was happening, Pinkie was putting on her new dress uniform. It was a navy blue cupcake wrapper, with white trim, gold bars, and gold buttons. Then, her fancy hat with gold colored icing, and a diamond colored stripe on it.
"Then, one officer knocked on her door and asked "permission to enter Admiral?" This, was none other then Twilight Sparkle. Pinkie obliged by opening the door and bowing slightly.
"Ok ladies and gentlemen!" boomed Twilight. "First things first, congratulations to you Admiral Pie on your promotion! I will be hosting a gala in your honor tonight on the THS Batter. Secondly, tomorrow morning, by order of the princesses, we will be seting sail of the 13 muffin colonies to fight the rebellion!"
"Yes ma'am!" the officers shouted. KNOCK KNOCK!
"Um, if it isn't a bad time Admiral Pinkie ma'am, I'd like to enter." said Sweetie.
"Enter." said Twilight and Pinkie in union. She opened the door and was shocked by the all the high ranking officers.
"Might I ask who you are?" questioned Twilight with a eyebrow raised.
"Um, Midshipmen Bell ma'am." replied Sweetie nervously.
"Aye, Your lordship, this is the one I was telling you about." whispered Pinkie.
"Ah, so your the one Admiral Pinkie has been talking so fondly of. I also heard you wanted to meet me?" retorted Twilight with curiosity.
"Aye you Lordship! I'm a big fan." said Sweetie holding in her happiness.
"Well, why don't you join us for lunch, and our gala tonight." asked Twilight.
"Aye aye ma'am!" she replied in great excitement. After that, they all talked. And Sweetie got to talk to some of the best, and highest officers in the entire navy! They even talked till all officers had to return to their ships to prepare for the gala.
Heck! Sweetie even got to borrow Pinkie's old Midshipman dress uniform. Then, they both boated off to their destination.
After that, it was talking to esteemed guests, dancing, drinking, sailor talking, and even a bit gambling till 10:00 PM at night! So, all the Officers went to sleep. Waiting to launch their invasion at dusk.
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*stares in disbelief* I'm applying a downvote to this for sheer bad writing.
That's just one paragraph and it caused me pain. Sadly, CM Punk has not done a Grammar Slam for New/Knew yet, otherwise I would link that, too.
Also, it's Confectionery in your title, not Confectunary.
A minute is a unit of time.
A minuet is a dance, you dunce.
In UNISON. I highly doubt the crew has a union, although Celestia only knows with Pinkie Pie.
Your ranks are suspect, your use of language should be keelhauled, dangled from the yardarm, and put in a boat, rowed past all the ships of the fleet and flogged, and your punctuation should be confined to quarters with nothing but a barrel of weevil biscuits.
Get an editor. Get some help. Make this better.
5317287 well, atleast you gave a reason why you didn't like it.
I felt obliged. You deserved to know. <3
5317296
Typo in the goddamn title. Dozens, maybe hundreds more typos within. Atrocious overall writing quality. No character grasp. No sense of spacing. No sense of pacing. No sense. Absolute trash from start to finish.
You cannot spell, you cannot write, you do not belong in front of a computer period, much less on the internet, and much MUCH less on this website. Seriously, you try to put this piece of work in front of the public eye, and then you question somebody who tells you it's terrible? You're inexcusable.
5317331 thanks! I fixed the errors, now to move onto my crappy dialog...
5317335
I think he figured it out.
Dan: You can go with 'said' often. It becomes invisible to the readers' eyes after a while and lets them get some flow to reading your fic. You may also need (God, why am I encouraging it?) more per chapter, to let people get a good rev up going into your story.
5317335 1st off, you don't haft to be a jerk. 2nd, I was merly stating "Thanks!, your one of the few people who can Actully tell someone why they don't like it." 3rd, I will not tolerate behavior like this! Constructive criticism is one thing, but being a jerk is another. Finally, you try writing over 1500 words without any help what so ever! I dare you.
5317352 not bad ideas! Also, sorry about the said thing, I feel like I use a cycle of words too many times. I replace some of these with "said" and that just makes it worse XD
I can hear that. What you might try is ignoring dialogue tags altogether in some cases and go with just actions instead. That way, you can get an
going.
5317390 wow, that makes it a lot better. Plus, it seems to also add comedic affect.
5317397 I want to apologize for Ariamaki. That was uncalled for on his part, and completely immature and inappropriate. Your story isn't bad, it just needs some work to buff out the scratches. I hope he did not tarnish your faith in humanity. People like him just simply should not be tolerated or allowed to comment. Again, I am sorry he said those things to you.
5332481 I think I will get a proofreader, and type this up on something like god , or Microsoft word first and use it as a editing tool. Also, thanks!
5333325 gdoc*