My Encounter With Lyra

by BronyGuardian200

7. That Heartbreaking Day

It was a normal Sunday. Bright, clear, and sunny. I was listening to Lyra play a soft tune on her lyre, when I heard tires screeching outside. I looked out the window and saw a SWAT van stop at my house. My heart stopped beating for about 10 seconds. I ran up to Lyra, told her what was happening, and put her in my closet. The door was thrown open and a dozen of SWAT men stormed into my house.

"Woah! What's going on?!" I yelled.

An officer walked up to me.

"Where is she?" He asked.

"Who?" I asked.

"The girl living with you. The aquamarine girl living with you." He responded.

"I don't know." I said, trying to act innocent.

The officer grabbed my shirt and lifted me up.

"WHERE IS SHE?!?!" He yelled.

"I said that I don't know." I replied.

The officer threw me down onto the dining room table, which broke beneath me. My leg and rib was broken. I only prayed that they would find her. I heard a scream come from my room and my eyes filled with tears. I saw the SWAT men walk into the living room with Lyra in their hands. She was still holding lyre. The officer grabbed the lyre, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it. The lyre was broken. I tried to get up but I was in too much pain. I started yelling curse words towards the SWAT men. They were gone. She was gone. I lied there, crying. She was gone, forever. My heart was shattered. Why? Why couldn't Celestia just leave me alone and let me live a happy life. I crawled across the floor and grabbed the broken pieces of Lyra's lyre. I held the piece with her name on it in my hands. Suddenly, a bright lighted filled the room. I thought it was God, about to take me to heaven. It wasn't. I saw Celestia fly down and land in front of me.

"Tell me. Why did you want Lyra to stay with you forever?" She asked.

I looked up to her and said: "She brought happiness into my life. She brought a warmth in my heart. She made me forget about the terrible world that I live in."

Celestia gave me a reassuring look.

"Without her, you feel miserable, sad, and alone?" She asked.

I nodded.

At that moment, a light figure appeared next to Celestia. It formed into Lyra. Celestia's horn lit up and the pain in my body was gone. I got up and hugged Lyra tightly. She did the same.

"From now on, if anyone tries to hurt you, you'll be protected by a force field of harmony." Celestia announced.

"Thank you so much." I said.

"You are quite welcome." She said as she flew into the air and disappeared.

I looked back at Lyra's lyre. It was fixed. I handed it to her and she started playing a soft tune. My life would never be miserable again. I don't need anything. I don't need fame, fortune, or wealth to make me happy. The only thing I need, is my Lyra.

The End.

Author's Note:

I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter of this story. I worked very hard on it for you guys to read and enjoy. Thank you so much for reading.

Comments

[ShadowblazeCR]

I'll talk about this later.

[ThunderWonder]

He... He died in the war, while holding his Fluttershy plush. He was buried with it because I thought it would make him happy.

Please tell me I'm not a complete jerk for laughing at that.

One day, I went out for a walk through town. It was a peaceful town with smiles everywhere. I was a standout because I wasn't smiling.

Is.. is this a trollfic or something?

I turned on the TV and Spongebob Squarepants was on.

Truly the best first impression of human entertainment.

I made dinner, we ate, I took a shower, and she did the same.

Show don't tell. If you had actually included those scenes, it would have helped the pacing exponentially. It would have been a great opportunity for character interaction.

My eyes enlarged.

I find that sentence to be fairly disturbing.

I ate it and my taste buds were filled with joy.

You have sentient tastebuds that are capable of emotion?

"They're delicious." I said. "What did you put in them?" I asked.
Lyra smiled.
"It's confidential." She said.

What, did she drug them or something?

One person growled at me when I walked by him.

Care to give an explanation as to why the man outright growled at them?

The pacing in this story isn't very good. This mainly comes from only telling readers things and having extremely short chapters. For example:

She was devastated.

Do you realize just how much more powerful that would be if we got details on how she looked and what was going through her head at the moment? As it is, I can't really care for it.

Time passes far too quickly. Seriously, what's the point of all the time skips? If I don't get to see the bulk of their time together, why should I care about their relationship?

There isn't a whole lot of dialogue, so I can't grow attached to the characters. Because of this, the story can get rather boring.

There is also a severe lack of logic and explanation. I'm fairly certain that SWAT teams have protocols about this stuff. They wouldn't just beat him up and leave him there. They're only supposed to subdue someone if the person resists and attacks them. I'm also fairly certain he would at least be taken in for questioning.

What the hell was with Celestia randomly appearing? Why didn't she take them back to Equestria with her? How did Lyra get there in the first place? No proper explanation is given, and that can really hurt a story. Nothing about this fic was believable.

And what the hell was all that war stuff in the beginning about? Why was it that bronies specifically died in it? A good explanation on that would be much appreciated.

One thing this story does well in is grammar and spelling. You did fairly well in that regard, so props to you.

As for the idea, it holds potential, but most likely lacks in originality. It could still make for a good read if written well though.

If anything, this seems more like a story outline than an actual story. All in all, this could be a good fic if done well and expanded upon, which I strongly encourage you to do so. Go back through the chapters and add more. Less than 3,000 words for a tale like this just won't cut it. Good luck on improving this story. If you work hard, I know it can be improved!

[Parasprite Polka]

>>ThunderWonder
I agree. This holds great potential, but you don't do anything with it.
But that cover photo is AMAZING! I ed that SOOO MUCH!

[phd339]

Chapters are short but there good short chapters and love the story

[Morning Dusk]

I really hope you do a rewrite of this, with expanded chapters and emotions fitted in. Also, I think the SWAT team was overly brutal, especially to the table. Wait, was the war caused by Obama restricting who gets to watch My Little Pony? And the bronies fought against the government?! I can only imagine the military bronies in this war.