• Member Since 2nd Jul, 2014
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CrackedInkWell


"Inspiration does not come to the lazy. It only comes to those who call it." - P. I. Tchaikovsky

Sequels1

E
Source

In the middle of the night of 1986, a twelve-year-old girl wakes up to find an armored pegasus underneath her bed. The pegasus suddenly leaves, but not without the little girl following him back to Equestria. There she finds Princess Celestia when she asks the little girl what her name was, she nearly goes into shock.

"It's Lauren," she said. "My name is Lauren Faust."

Update: Proofread by Fort Impression and Airchi. And a huge thank you to SecrretBrony01 for finally getting this edited fully.

I also want to thank MrAquino, FanficFanPony and Starburst Gleam for helping me keep this story moving with their helpful suggestions. And a tremendous thank you to Lotus Moon for volunteering to read this on YouTube from beginning to end.

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 617 )

Curiosity stepping in. I might just continue reading this.

Very, very interesting. I wanna see where this goes and whether or not Lauren is going to be sticking around Equestria for a while. I would also like to know what Private Arrowhead was doing in Lauren's world.

love with the little girl curiosity thing, worthy read

Wow this is interesting. You chose a good story to go after.

Please continue I want to know what happens.

>on -> one
>attending -> intending
>privet -> private

Other than that, fantastic premise for a story. My own curiousity has been piqued, and this is goin' in the watch list. ;)

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

5310447
Maybe we can find out when this is in relation to Twilight Sparkle or other major Canon events like Nightmare Moon or Discord.

This seems like it's going to be one of those weird time stories where the younger self had an event happen to her that caused her older self to create the thing for when it happens to her younger self. Not sure if I wrote that out correctly, but i'll try it again using this story. Young Lauren gets pulled into Equestria/future, causing her to meet the people she is to create, though hasn't yet, and this event causes her to later create the same people that leads to the event happening to her when she was younger.
This kind of helps:
media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/ab/f9/e1/abf9e11045bddbec058ef7473b751cba.jpg

Good to see that old brain of yours working!

CONSPIRACIES!!!!!!!!

By the way, I love the plot idea!

Sounds interesting. Lets see what the next chapter will bring :twilightsmile:

Lets see where this goes...

47 likes to 0 dislikes on less than 200 views? 53 likes to 5 dislikes on 245 views? Hm... sounds promising.

But then I open it up, and just...

I'll be blunt. This fic is overrated, to the point where it's damaging to the author. This story fails on so many fundamental levels. There is so much telling, the grammar is subpar, the verb tense switches, Celestia is out of character, there is rampant abuse of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, etc.

Let me go line-by-line with all the problems.

It was the sounds of “Bump!” and “Owe!” that had awakened the twelve year old girl from her sleep. Groaning, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and reached for the lamp on the nightstand. A click later the room blinded her for a moment. She blinked as she read the clock on the nightstand. It read 2:17 in the morning.

First, extra e in "Ow". Second, that sentence is ridiculously awkward. I can infer that you mean that after the click from turning on the lamp, the light filling the room blinded her, but I had to reread and analyze it to gather that. This would read better as something more to the effect of, "After she turned on the light, she found herself blinded for a moment." It's probably better dropping "for a moment" altogether, but even what I have is an improvement. Third, it is generally recommended that times be written out as words. So in this case, it should be "two seventeen" instead of "2:17".

The sound of metal against metal had made her look around the room. At first glimpse, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Her toys and a few books still lay in disorganized piles. The castle on her dresser drawer was still there. The closet door was still closed, holding back her clothes, dolls and who knows how many plastic ponies. The blinds haven’t hadn't been touched; the rug was just as it was when she went to bed.

Okay, let me explain this one. A dresser is a piece of furniture. The drawer is the part you put things in. You do not put things on a drawer. You put them on a dresser. "Clothes" is misspelled. Haven't is present tense; this story is in past tense. "Hadn't" would be the correct word.

So what was that noise?

Although her tired body was against it, she got out of bed to see if there was anything wrong. She went over to the door to her room, opened it and, as expected, the only thing in the hallway was the dark.

The only thing in the hallway was the dark? Do you realize how weird that sounds? Maybe say something like, "saw only darkness" would work, though I'm honestly not sure of any way to fix it.

She heard the metallic sound again,. Hher head turned in time to see that something had quickly ducked back underneath her bed.

Thinking it might be one of her brothers, she tip-toed over to her toys to get one of the ponies and a flashlight. She quietly went over to the bed, knelt down, and threw the pony under the bed as hard as she could.

Okay... Grabbing a pony wouldn't be my first reaction, but I do see why she'd want to use one as a weapon. Those things are pretty hard for just plastic.

“Owe!”

Reminder: "Ow" is a cry of pain, as in "Ow, this fic hurts to read." "Owe" means to be indebted to someone, as in "Author, you owe me the time I wasted on your fic!"

She turned her flashlight on and peered what was under her bed. She thought that she might see one of her brothers who were trying to scare her, but there was a part of her that feared she might actually see a real monster under the bed.

Bleh. Just general telliness. I have nothing clever to say about it.

What she didn't expect at all, was to come face to face with a pony in gray. The pony seemed as surprised as she was, for it seemed to crawl quickly out to the other side of her bed. She couldn't believe what she was seeing! really, Tthere before here was a pony, slightly shorter than she was, was wearing golden armor, had was big gold eyes and its wings were spread open.

A pegasus! There was a real pegasus in her room! She tried to pinched herself hard to make sure that she still wasn’t asleep. But no, she felt it. Looking back at the pony, it backed itself away from her.

And at this point, I realized that I have nothing further to say without repeating myself. But still, what I got to (only about a sixth of the story!) points out several of the problems present here. I think that I have provided sufficient material to point out that there is still quite a bit of room for improvement.

*reads the description*

Oh my gosh! YES!

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

“Am I?” She turned to the pegasus. “Privet Arrowhead, may I speak with you in privet?”

Privet... Seriously?
It's Private, not privet. A privet is a shrub. I recommend fixing this with some of the other errors asap. I believe someone else made a very in-depth review for you.
It needs a little help, but this story has some pretty damn good potential.

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

5311516 I don't think I personally could be a full editor. I don't ever have time...

“Private Arrowhead, may I speak with you in privet?”
that should be private:twilightsheepish:

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 25th, 2014

5310519
Welcome to Doctor Who... where your brain doesn't make sense.

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

ALL THE POTENTIAL!
5311136

Warning: This story has no Proofreader and most of it is unedited. Read at your own risk.

I hope you read the description.

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

Yet another excellent idea you've had Inkwell. I can't do it right this minute as I don't have a secure form of internet, but if you're still looking on Dec. 5th, then I would be more than happy to go over the fic and try to help you fix some errors.

Very interesting.
I guess your decision how to continue depends on how you want to portray the adult Lauren, now.

I would think, I you wanted her to be an all-knowing creator, she should now about this time paradox.
If, on the other hand, you want her to create everything with unknowing innocence you should avoid to tell her.

I would like to read both, first they try to hide it from her and have a hard time doing so, but then, Lauren proofs to be to smart for that and asks the right questions. Finally they tell her and right then, when you could easily end the story THEN you should step on the gas as it would surely be pretty entertaining to see them handle all the problems that will arise with her knowing everything in advance. Especially if you add Discord.

Just imagine how Discord tries to manipulate the innocent child but ultimately only achieves what has already been predetermined:
Him getting created the way he has been created.

Enjoyed your second chapter as well. This could become one outstanding story.
Keep it up! I'll be awaiting you next chapters :twilightsmile:

i'm enjoying this story. and i must say i've never read a story like this before, i'm interested to see where this goes




stay classy:moustache:

very.... interesting...:moustache:
do go on

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

Why would they tell her she's their mother? Wouldn't that get her asking questions until it comes around to her dreaming of Equestria? Besides the being too young bit.

Becoming more meta by the minute.

5311817 I don't see why anyone is complaining, besides some spelling errors, this is pretty well written compared to most of the stories on this site

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

5313011 in my opinion, I don't care that much if the author acts cranky towards people on here, not every story that's on here is going to be perfect or how we want it, but that's to be expected on a sight where anyone can write a story, with talent or no. And it's just plain rude when someone moans and complains about the story, when they aren't writing one themselves.

I haven't read this.
Just saw it on what hot.
Dunno why people seem to hate/love it.
Don't care.
Will get around to reading.
Very interesting concept.
Gave me a brainfart almost as big as my own imagination multiverse theory.....
I'm going to stop thinking about this and come back when I am prepared

Comment posted by CrackedInkWell deleted Nov 26th, 2014

I like this story... I like it alot

First congratulations on the Featured!:twilightsmile: Second I am absolutely loving this story so far, keep up the amazing work.

He read the fanfiction, top to bottom, bottom to top. He seemed interested in the idea, and very very excited for the next chapter. He placed his hands under his head, and said dreamily...

"Oh, if only I could be with my characters."

Wait, you talk to us. Isn't that enough?
No, I want cool powerstuffs like you guys!
Would you pick mine or Darkus's?
Hmm... Darkus. He's got pretty much every power I wanted ever!
I just hope you wouldn't abuse them...
If he included that sentence in his comment, there's no doubt he'd try not to.
Good point.
Anyway, nice story, dude! It's quite the read! :twilightsmile:

Tricky slope Luna went down. Careful there man.

I say, at least for now, it's probably best not to tell her she's their mother. She probably wouldn't understand what that means.

I wonder if Lauren knows how babies are made and Tia tells her that she's their mother. She probably would be grossed out.

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