1: The Armored Pony from Under the Bed
1986
It was the sounds of Bump! and “Ow!” that had awakened the twelve-year-old girl from her sleep. Groaning, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and reached for the lamp on the nightstand. After she turned on the light, she found herself blinded for a moment. She blinked as she read the clock on the nightstand; it was two-seventeen in the morning.
The sound of metal against metal had made her look around the room. At first glance, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Her toys and a few books still laid in disorganized piles. The castle on her dresser was still there. The closet door was still closed, holding back her clothes, dolls and who knows how many plastic ponies. The blinds hadn't been touched; the rug was just as it was when she went to bed.
So, what was that noise?
Although her tired body was against it, she got out of bed to see if there was anything wrong. She went over to her room's door, opened it, there she found only darkness that followed tightly behind the hallway.
She heard the metallic sound again. Her head turned in time to see that something quickly duck back underneath her bed.
Thinking it might be one of her brothers, she tip-toed over to her toys to get one of the ponies and a flashlight. She quietly went over to the bed, knelt down, and threw the pony under the bed as hard as she could.
“Ow!”
She turned her flashlight on and peered under her bed. She thought that she might see one of her brothers, who was trying to scare her, but there was a part of her that feared she might actually see a real monster under the bed.
What she didn't expect at all was to come face to face with a pony in gray. The pony seemed as surprised as she was, for it seemed to crawl quickly out to the other side of her bed. She couldn't believe what she was seeing! There before her was a pony, slightly shorter than she was, wearing golden armor, had big gold eyes and its wings were spread open.
A pegasus! There was a real pegasus in her room! She tried to pinch herself hard to make sure that she still wasn’t asleep. But no, she felt it. Looking back at the pony, it backed itself away from her.
“Hey. It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you,” she calmly said as she crawled over the bed.
“W-What are you?” It asked in a male voice. The little girl stopped.
“You can talk?!” She exclaimed. For it completely taken her by surprise for the fact that an animal was really talking to her.
“Um, sure?” he said nervously. He was immediately tackled by this two-legged thing he’s never seen before.
“I can’t believe it!” she shouted loud enough to wake a cemetery up. “A pony! Not just a pony, but a talking pegasus in my room! This is better than Christmas!”
“I can’t breathe,” he struggled to say, this snapped the girl to realize that she was hugging around his neck a little too tightly.
“Sorry,” She said letting go.
But before the armored pegasus could say anything, they heard a few bangs on the wall followed by, “Hey! Go to bed! Some of us are trying to sleep here!”
“Sorry!” She yelled back. She knelt down in front of the pony. “So who are you? And where you come from?” she asked quietly.
The pony in question cleared his throat, “Well, call me Arrowhead. I am part of the Solar Guard for the Kingdom of Equestria. Now, what are you?”
“A girl.”
“Uh-huh. And where am I?”
“My room.”
“I can see that, but where is your room?”
“Annapolis, Maryland.”
“That’s quite a funny name for a kingdom.”
“Kingdom?”
“Well,” the pony looked over at the clock on the table than over to the window. “Must be in the middle of the night then. Hm, odd.”
“Why is it odd?”
“Well… Nothing, but, thank you for your time though. I must be getting back.”
“But you just got here.”
“I’m not intending to stick around for long, so goodnight, and goodbye.” The pegasus crawled back underneath her bed.
“Now wait-a-minute! You can’t just leave,” she said following him back under the bed. She saw that the pony was going towards her headboard. Usually, there would be a wall there, but now, she saw a tunnel. Of course, she had heard before that curiosity killed the cat, but it was here that curiosity made her go towards the tunnel. She had read books and seen movies and shows about kids going into another world that was filled with wonder. She knew that such an opportunity is only a once in a lifetime chance, and tonight, she was not going to let this pass her without knowing what’s on the other side of that tunnel.
She crawled, and crawled and crawled, passing by the painted stucco, the wooden beams, the old toys, objects, and tools from a forgotten time that gave way to a tunnel of stone. All the while, she didn't lose sight of the tail of the Pegasus through the twists and turns this winding path leads her. To where she didn't exactly know.
After several minutes of crawling through the ages of dust, getting her usual pajamas dirty, she found an opening. Judging by the light, she could have sworn that it must be daytime.
“So Private Arrowhead, did you find anything?” a motherly voice asked as she got nearer.
“I have, your majesty, but I don’t exactly know if you’ll believe me though.”
“And why is that?”
Before Private Arrowhead could answer, the little girl had crawled her way out. When the little girl looked up, she saw the gray pegasus, along with a tall, whiter than snow horse with a majestic mane, a longhorn and a pair of wings. She saw that she had a crown on her head, along with a necklace shaped like the sun and shoes on each hoof, all of which was a bright golden color.
Part of her was in awe at what she was seeing, but another part of her was curious. “Wow, who are you?”
The tall, white horse tilted its head a little. “I am Princess Celestia. And just who and what are you, if I may ask?”
“I’m a girl.”
The white royal giggled. “Yes, but what are you exactly?”
“Um… A human being?” She stated.
“Human. Hm…” The one called Celestia craned her head to the hole in the wall. “And you came from there?”
“Yes.”
“Curious.” She turned back to her, “I don’t believe that I have gotten your name, what was it?”
“Lauren.”
For a moment, Celestia froze. “Excuse me?”
“It’s Lauren.”
Celestia put a hoof to her ear, “Can you repeat that one more time?”
“It’s Lauren,” she said. “My name is Lauren Faust.”
Lauren saw one of Celestia’s eyes twitching. For a long while, she didn't say anything, shaking her head now and then.
“Um, am I in trouble?” young Lauren asked.
“What?” Celestia asked, “Oh, no. Nonononono! You’re not in trouble at all. He-he. W-Why would you think you’re in trouble?”
“You look funny.”
“Am I?” She turned to the pegasus. “Private Arrowhead, may I speak with you in private?”
The Diarch turned back to the little girl, “You would please wait here dear?”
She nodded; she went up to a nearby couch and laid down on it as she watched the Princess and the pegasus going into a nearby room, closing the doors behind them.
Once inside, Private Arrowhead stood at attention in the middle of the room and watched the elder princess pace back and forth for a minute or two.
“Majesty?” he asked, snapping the princess in a near trance-like state.
“Hm? Oh, that’s right. Private Arrowhead, for the first time in, I don’t quite know how many centuries, I have no idea what to do with you. I don’t know if I should thank you or put you under court-martial.”
“Ah, majesty?” he asked with a hint of nervousness in his voice.
“Tell me this, what happened exactly?”
The Private told the Princess what he knew, from him getting summoned to explore a forgotten hole in the wall, to finding himself in the little girl’s room in the middle of the night and coming back here with the girl following him.
“I see,” the Solar Princess nodded. “Tell me this also, do you have as much as an inkling as to who that girl is?”
“I don’t understand.”
“That, out there lying on the couch, believe it or not… Is my mother.”
He blinked, “Excuse me, Princess?”
“That out there, right now, is my sister’s and my mother. Only though it seems that she’s much younger the last time I saw her.”
“Your Highness, I have to beg to differ. She’s a child, how can she be your mother?”
“I know. She wasn't lying when she spoke her name. Besides, neither my sister nor I have heard her name or anypony saying her name in centuries. I do not know why she’s so young now, but I can see that she looked at me in the eye when she told me her name.”
“Alright, even if this is somehow true, what should we do now?”
Celestia sighed deeply, looking towards her mother "I have no idea Private Arrowhead. I have absolutely no idea..."
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Curiosity stepping in. I might just continue reading this.
Very, very interesting. I wanna see where this goes and whether or not Lauren is going to be sticking around Equestria for a while. I would also like to know what Private Arrowhead was doing in Lauren's world.
love with the little girl curiosity thing, worthy read
OK, I'm in.
Please continue I want to know what happens.
>on -> one
>attending -> intending
>privet -> private
Other than that, fantastic premise for a story. My own curiousity has been piqued, and this is goin' in the watch list. ;)
5310447
Maybe we can find out when this is in relation to Twilight Sparkle or other major Canon events like Nightmare Moon or Discord.
This seems like it's going to be one of those weird time stories where the younger self had an event happen to her that caused her older self to create the thing for when it happens to her younger self. Not sure if I wrote that out correctly, but i'll try it again using this story. Young Lauren gets pulled into Equestria/future, causing her to meet the people she is to create, though hasn't yet, and this event causes her to later create the same people that leads to the event happening to her when she was younger.
This kind of helps:
media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/ab/f9/e1/abf9e11045bddbec058ef7473b751cba.jpg
I think I might just watch this.
Good to see that old brain of yours working!
CONSPIRACIES!!!!!!!!
By the way, I love the plot idea!
Sounds interesting. Lets see what the next chapter will bring
Lets see where this goes...
Fave and liked.
hmmmmm i like it
i492.photobucket.com/albums/rr289/axlthehedgehog_2008/responses/youhadmycuriosity.jpg
stay classy
I'll stay. Its good.
47 likes to 0 dislikes on less than 200 views?53 likes to 5 dislikes on 245 views? Hm... sounds promising.But then I open it up, and just...
I'll be blunt. This fic is overrated, to the point where it's damaging to the author. This story fails on so many fundamental levels. There is so much telling, the grammar is subpar, the verb tense switches, Celestia is out of character, there is rampant abuse of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, etc.
Let me go line-by-line with all the problems.
First, extra e in "Ow". Second, that sentence is ridiculously awkward. I can infer that you mean that after the click from turning on the lamp, the light filling the room blinded her, but I had to reread and analyze it to gather that. This would read better as something more to the effect of, "After she turned on the light, she found herself blinded for a moment." It's probably better dropping "for a moment" altogether, but even what I have is an improvement. Third, it is generally recommended that times be written out as words. So in this case, it should be "two seventeen" instead of "2:17".
Okay, let me explain this one. A dresser is a piece of furniture. The drawer is the part you put things in. You do not put things on a drawer. You put them on a dresser. "Clothes" is misspelled. Haven't is present tense; this story is in past tense. "Hadn't" would be the correct word.
The only thing in the hallway was the dark? Do you realize how weird that sounds? Maybe say something like, "saw only darkness" would work, though I'm honestly not sure of any way to fix it.
Okay... Grabbing a pony wouldn't be my first reaction, but I do see why she'd want to use one as a weapon. Those things are pretty hard for just plastic.
Reminder: "Ow" is a cry of pain, as in "Ow, this fic hurts to read." "Owe" means to be indebted to someone, as in "Author, you owe me the time I wasted on your fic!"
Bleh. Just general telliness. I have nothing clever to say about it.
And at this point, I realized that I have nothing further to say without repeating myself. But still, what I got to (only about a sixth of the story!) points out several of the problems present here. I think that I have provided sufficient material to point out that there is still quite a bit of room for improvement.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw10622_medium.jpg
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*reads the description*
Oh my gosh! YES!
Privet... Seriously?
It's Private, not privet. A privet is a shrub. I recommend fixing this with some of the other errors asap. I believe someone else made a very in-depth review for you.
It needs a little help, but this story has some pretty damn good potential.
5311516 I don't think I personally could be a full editor. I don't ever have time...
“Private Arrowhead, may I speak with you in privet?”
that should be private
5310519
Welcome to Doctor Who... where your brain doesn't make sense.
5311473 I come bearing links to those who can help:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/197236/overly-extensive-editors
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/801/proofreading-prereading-and-editing
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group
Click a link. Choose a group. Request help. That is what I would do.
ALL THE POTENTIAL!
5311136
I hope you read the description.
Yet another excellent idea you've had Inkwell. I can't do it right this minute as I don't have a secure form of internet, but if you're still looking on Dec. 5th, then I would be more than happy to go over the fic and try to help you fix some errors.
I love how almost every comment is "Let's see where this goes." It's almost like no one is stating if the chapters read well or not, but are more intrigued but its idea... which is kind a bad. (what they are doing is)
5314059 Ok next story I read of yours I will say "Let's see where this goes."! Yes it will be fun happy times! *claps hands*
"Time isn't a line and it isn't circular either. It's sort of a... wibbly-wobbly ball of... timey-wimey... stuff..."
-- The Tenth Doctor
Sometimes, it is difficult to say just what is the cause and what is the effect in the vast web of time and space.
Well, there were problems with grammar and wording. Things like that really need to be ironed out before publishing, or at least most of them. Saying there is no editor yet is not an excuse, that's just effectively saying you were too impatient to wait for one, or too lazy to try.
The most prevalent problem though, was how stiff the dialogue read. I didn't think that the words I was reading came from characters, they just seemed emotionless.
5314059 Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes! Let's see where this goes!
Wait, this is soooo simaler to a dream I had! In it, Lauren went to Equestria and met every pony, when returning to her own world she made a few changes as to how they looked and their names but kept their personalitys. I dreamt about it to keep me believing that Equestria was real. But this is way to simaler! Have you been in my brain?
Looks like a fic written by a very young person... perhaps when the author gets older and learns some more about how to write they'll be able to revisit this story and fix all the problems with it.
'A pegasus! There was a real pegasus in her room! She tried to pinched herself hard to make sure that she still wasn’t asleep. But no, she felt it. Looking back at the pony, it backed itself away from her.
“Hey. It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you,” she calmly said as she crawled over the bed.
“W-What are you?” It asked in a male voice. The little girl stopped.
“You can talk?!” She exclaimed. For it completely taken her by surprise for the fact that an animal was really talking to her.
“Um, sure?” he said nervously. He was immediately tackled by this thing on two legs he’s never seen before.'
gender change?
5317848 hear ye, hear ye! Wise words spoken by the Websterhamster... never thought I'd say that phrase!
Good idea, but feels rushed as fuck...
attending
'intend' is what you meant there. Intending is the plural.
You also need to decide on what tense you intend to use; full present tense doesn't work here, and you should try to imitate true speech. Truth be told, this seems a bit rushed and there are plenty of things to nitpick...but I'm intrigued and will continue reading.
Helpful hint: Get a proofreader, preferably an experienced one. They tend to iron out your small mistakes such as improper word usage and grammar nuances. I suggest looking towards NaughtSaught or somebadauthor. They're both very good at what they do, but they may not have time. If they aren't available, and all else fails, look towards commissioning one.
Same with an editor, though they tend to help more with story.
ISA
5318957 's got the right idea, maybe they'll help you out.
edit: The dialogue seems a bit stilted, you should try to focus on that first. Follow up with details. The room Lauren's in is a bit lacking in them.
Time travel is nonsense so it only can be Lauren from another reality.
i DO SAY QUATE A PARADOX
5321543 I refer you to season 2 episode 20.
5620735 or the season five finale
oooh. dis is gonna be gud
Well lucky me, I seem to have gotten here after the editor did. Let us see where this goes.
Wonder how Lauren might react to this