• Member Since 21st Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen June 23rd

Demon Killer


T

Luna and Celestia have a brother they never mentioned before and he's some anger towards Celestia and he's come home to try and set that aside but as time goes by his anger rises and soon he tells a secret that will explain why few events happened
Note this is my first story and I would like it if there were no mean comments but some helpful advise cause I do intend to make more stories

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 3 )

There's a problem with your timeline.

How could Eclipse know both Sunset Shimmer and Discord? Discord has been in stone for over a thousand years; Sunset Shimmer is much, much younger than that.

It's like you're trying to make your character edgy and different by having him hate on Twilight and be close friends with Discord. But it doesn't work, because if he's been gone all this time, he wouldn't know Sunset. Also, it doesn't make him look edgy and cool to hate on someone he just met; it makes him look insufferably rude. Even if he did like Sunset Shimmer better, he's a jerk for saying to someone he just met that she shouldn't have been a Princess and someone else should have.

Your story falls into a lot of cliches that many first time stories fall into. Even the premise of the Princesses having a long lost brother named Eclipse has been done before. That doesn't mean you can't do it yourself and put your own spin on it, but it means you have to work harder to make it original. It would help if your character was, in fact, a genuinely nice guy, someone who acts like he might be the Princesses' brother. And making snap judgements about anyone he's just met isn't great. My suggestion is to rethink the way he behaves and try to make him a more likable character. He doesn't have to be perfect (and shouldn't be), but unless you want him to be a villain, he shouldn't be a jerk either.

5348558 I'm explaining that in the future

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