• Member Since 27th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen July 30th

Gambit Prawn


Here, I've found a couple of stories I had always been searching for. I hope to provide the same to at least one other person.

T
Source

What do an aristocrat's daughter, a socially awkward young American, and a recently-divorced Catalan bartender have in common? Thanks to a fickle draconequus, they're all now ponies.

With humanity as his dartboard, Discord's game of pin the tail on the pony can target anyone, with little regard to circumstance or former gender.

And with government suppression of the newly transformed ponies pressuring them on one end, and a shadow war between the mafia and an unknown alien threat on the other, it will take everything they have just to survive. And if they're particularly unlucky, they may just learn something about friendship.

Part of the Chaotic Touch of Harmony Universe: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/205332

Written with permission from but not necessarily endorsed by the original author, Law Abiding Pony

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 110 )

This started out pretty good and fairly interesting... but now equestria is on earth? regular pony involved? Totally breaks with the setting since even discord admitted he couldn't go there or send a pony that far without magic there.... very confused... otherwise good job so far.

5743970
You're right. The rules I was given for this fic were these:
1. No (new) alicorns
2. Teleportation is a rare and advanced ability; don't use it lightly.
3. No portals to Equestria.

I threw a couple of inconsistencies into that scene in order to help raise a red flag. The resolution to them would have been in my next chapter, but now it looks like my draft will have to be split into two with the explanation in the B part.

Thanks for the encouragement :twilightsmile:.

Good chapter, I really enjoyed it.
P.S.
Ponies should not leave their magical books behind, it seems that even Xavier's book knowledge will be put to use...

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Thanks!

To Xavier's dismay, any information on ponies is too valuable to ignore at this point. That's probably the biggest factor to ensure the recipients read enough to assimilate the Equish language, even if the book is of no interest to them.

Though if I have to wonder if some schmuck out there is wondering what the hay to do with his copy of Pony Jailbreak for Dummies.

Awesome update \0/

The only reason I can think of for the dislikes is that they might be French.. Besides this not being their cup of tea, I can't think of a reason

6326472

I've spent far too much time contemplating the reasons for this. The story started at around 50% approval before falling to 4-7 like/dislike, so I think one factor could be that the users who lie in wait for the next black and red alicorn story to rip apart got ahold of it. I did get notification of it being added to at least one reviewer's hit-list; though I'm a fan of Rage Reviews myself, so I can't get too mad about this.

There were also factors of presentation. My first author's note was cringe-worthy in its original form, and as arbitrary as it is, I think having an ugly avatar at the time could have even made a small difference.

As for the story itself, I've considered that perhaps the prologue is a tad on the weak side. Besides, it took until chapter 2 for an actual pony to appear.

Or maybe I'm completely off-base and I've somehow betrayed the spirit of this canon. I'd love to find out!

6326696 well, I added the 20th like to the story to help balance it out. I definitely look forward to the rest of the story :twilightsmile:

Fascinating, so Discord is turning the world pony uh, through... marbles or something. But at the same time, there's another power turning humans into... somethings. I've only seen this once before, and it's a fascinating conflict.

This doesn't spend enough time setting the scene. Most of it is disjointed introspection. "as he glared at the toddler" what toddler? That needs to be described, among many other things. The assassination is okay. But Tyler is just all over the place, and you introduce the last scene as "the abandoned stable." Where? What's there? What time is it? Why are stables rotting? Why was it abandoned? Who is trying to breed ponies? How did they catch them? ...stuff like that.

Your rhetoric is solid, but you need to be more focused on what you want to get out of your writing, instead of trying to get everything at once, and ending up with a bunch of marbles rolling everywhere.

Well, the female P.O.V. was okay, but I think Taylor might just be clinically insane. It's just this constant psychotic fugue.

How the heck does Lynne evade dozens of people in the hotel, then accidentally run into the one organized group of pony breeders?

he asked clasping his hands together once more. “Whatever they prayed I’ll double it!”

Now that's what I call meaningful religion. :trollestia:

their darkened white exteriors a satisfying umami

Clouds feel like the taste of meat, seaweed and B complex vitamins? :unsuresweetie:

“Race you there, Dom-Dom Taylor said

missed a closing quote

So Xavier's in heat. That explains why she's so unapproachable. Uh, considering the inspiration for this story, I think she's pretty reasonable about staying far away from anypony as possible when she's feeling like that.

I like Dom-Dom. He won Taylor onto his side, without even revealing to her that he wants her for the antipathy the parasite shows to her. I think I know why he isn't collapsing with grief, too. Because the bastards that did it are still at large.

I'll try to answer these all in one post. Thanks for all the feedback

6348606
I'm pleased you thought that part of the prologue interesting. In hindsight, this is the chapter I'm most critical of.

6348651
This was my first foray into writing fiction. What I didn't realize at the time is that the rules of movies don't apply in the same way to the written word. As such, I was deathly afraid of any sort of exposition whatsoever. Something that is still challenging to me in that regard is explaining everything without stretching the limits of my third-person limited narrator.

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Truthfully, the odds of Lynne being captured are slim. I can try to justify it by saying that since Alain's group had already captured Xavier, they're actively searching for more ponies. Still, that just highlights that them finding Xavier is just as unlikely, even if they're combing the countryside for livestock to steal.

However, I'd argue that the the setting itself requires suspension of disbelief in this regard: The original took some liberties with Loki, Alexia and Conrad meeting each other on the same day, in the middle of nowhere no less. At this point in the timeline, ponies are at most 1/8000 people, so it's kind of hard to avoid.

6348770
The umami line is a hint of sorts.

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I like to think that Discord's having a good laugh about giving Xavier the book he did. Thanks for the catch on the quotation.

Okay, Taylor is freaking adorable. But... so very nondescriptive of the world around her. All I know is the room looked cleaner, a kitchen exists in some nebulous form, and the Don is in a rocking chair, except when he isn't. It's all introspection, and my family and Youtube is silly, and I can't even remember where they're holed up, until I go back to the part from Don's perspective. Why aren't her hooves creaking on the cold wood?

It seems like you're trying for the flawed narrator approach, but genuinely omitting details just makes things harder for readers. What I'd do is describe all the stuff Taylor doesn't notice, and how much she doesn't notice it, so we still get our description, and Taylor still gets to be completely freaking psychotic. But, whatever you like. The rest is solid enough I can go past the Taylor perspective parts.

"No Singing”

:flutterrage:

“Oh, trust me, you don’t want to whistle even so much as a note in here here, or else the whole room will burst into song. It sounds like a goddamn dirge—real awful to listen to.

OK... admittedly he has a point there. :rainbowlaugh:

Oh I really appreciate shorter chapters btw and more of them too plz

Why doesn't this story have a dark tag?

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It did at one point. Then I went on a tag purge because I thought having too many would be seen as edgy. I may add it back.

This chapter was highly entertaining <3

Lynn don't tempt fate!

Taylor awkwardly pawed at the fuzz on his ears. I’m not just going to give up and become some sort of dumb animal!

Hmm... kind of makes me think of a somewhat more ironic line.

Lampwick: What's he think I look like? A jackass?

Welcome everyone. I’m the Rogue Mouseketeer. Your guide to all things Disney.

Wow, did i hit close to home! :twilightoops:

“Raimondo had a dream—a humble dream,” he managed through gritted teeth.

“What? To break the most kneecaps out of anyone?”

“He wanted to write a dirty jokebook. He only needed three more to reach one-hundred and two and finish it.”

"A jokebook? Haven't encountered those since my second-grade book fair. Probably because the format lends itself to about that level of intelligence.“

Fine, ”Taylor baited. “You say he's funny. Prove it.”

“I don’t know. Are you old enough to hear this?”

“You don’t look any older than me.”

“Raimondo himself wasn’t old enough for some of these, but let’s see if I can find one age-appropriate.” Domenico paused and spent three minutes in thought, making consecutive blind turns automatically.

“Well?” Taylor asked. "Trying to choose between knock-knock jokes?"

“One thing: what do you call ancient kings of Egypt?”

“Pharaohs?”

“Yes that. I couldn’t think of the English word. "

"Anyway, there once was a powerful and virtuous Pharaoh. He ruled over his prosperous kingdom for decades to great approval of his people. He had unstoppable martial might, untold riches and a harem of one-hundred beautiful women. After a successful military campaign, he declared a national holiday to honor his brave warriors. Since they would one day be honored ancestors, it was to be a day to honor one's forefathers with equivalent equal to the dead.

One day, the Pharaoh and his entourage were wandering through a crowded marketplace just outside the palace when they spotted a young boy crying. Selfless ruler that he was, the Pharaoh ordered his party to halt and he approached the boy. The child was crying and was wearing only rags, which were covered in bread crumbs.

'Tell me, boy, what is the matter,' the Pharaoh asked the boy with a gentle confidence.

'Well, my momma told me that since it was the holiday, I needed to take the money and go gift shopping for my father, grandfather and great-grandfather, but I got hungry,' the boy said, embarrassed.

'I can see that. Since I am a generous king, I will give you these silver pieces to get presents suitable for your forebears. However, remember that you have to buy gifts for three. Put all your chickens in one coop, and a single hungry wolf can ravage them all, so remember to budget accordingly. Do you understand?'

'Yes, my king. Thank you, my king.'

'Off you go then,' the Pharaoh commanded as the buy sprinted back into the heart of the marketplace.'"

"Did the ancient Egyptians even raise chickens?" Taylor interrupted.

"I don't care. Shut up."

"After checking that the celebrations were proceeding accordingly, the Pharaoh's entourage was looping back around the marketplace when the Pharaoh once more spotted the poor boy. This time he was leading a beautiful, white ewe back towards the palace. Some of the guards prepared for the order to punish the boy for his mistake, but whereas a lesser man would have at least given the boy a tongue-lashing, the Pharaoh had his caller hail the boy to politely point out his mistake."

"Again. I'm wondering if ancient Egypt had enough grassland even raise...."

"Shut up!"

"'Hello again, my king,' the boy said with a bow."

'That is a lovely ewe. Is that what you purchased with the coins I gave to you?'

'Yes, my king.'

'Do you remember what I said about conserving the money to be able to buy all the gifts you need?'

'Yes, my king.'

'And is one ewe enough for your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather?'

'Of course. I hope you like her, my king.'"

Oddly... (chuckle) that's a little bit funny, actually, considering his reaction when he finally got it..

6931963
I wish I had thought of that connection at the time!

6935250
Glad you enjoyed it. Like most things I write, I was convinced it was genius when I wrote it, and now I'm just hoping I didn't embarrass myself.

While honesty is a tenant of harmony,

you mean tenet, right?

ten·et
ˈtenət/
noun: tenet; plural noun: tenets

a principle or belief, especially one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy.
"the tenets of classical liberalism"

wow. When that pegasus stallion came in, i was reading his lines in the voice of Dudley Do Right. (the cartoon one)

I just caught up with this story. Strange, I was pretty sure I saw it update more recently than five weeks ago... I guess I've been putting it on the backburner too much :fluttershysad:

I'm interesting to follow more of the adventures of these characters, and when they will finally meet. Right now there are several seemingly disjointed threads that, while interesting, I feel could use a bit more focus in breaking it together, in getting character development, much like the original story focused almost entirely on the royal herd.

I do think that the going back and forth has helped keep the perspective from going stale. It also has kept a wider view of what is going on active too, but focusing downwards can only help. Also, there is quite a bit of time left to traverse, to get it to the point where humans and ponies can work together freely, and being stuck in the hiding away phase or inhuman conditions is rather depressing over the long-term for a story.

7059129

I'm actually going to limit the number of plot threads quickly if I can. Although, I do have another one in the works; it has to do with what the majority of the prologue foreshadowed. Hopefully I can weight them accordingly.

And thanks for the comment and the feedback. It makes me happy seeing any response to this little story of mine :raritystarry:

Hey awesome story. I got a bit confused with so many changes of pov, but every character is interesting.
I am a really surprised of your knowledge about Spain inner afairs, have you been around here?
Very nice catalan btw, it would have been fun to see the ponies names in catalan too xD

7061812
Ahh, it's the fear of any author: running into someone who has direct experience in an area she's going out on a limb to write about. I'm glad I passed the test instead of embarrassing myself.

I've never been to Spain; it's just that I've done an embarrassing amount of research. I read two textbooks on the Catalan language just to try and get a little bit of dialogue right. I'm quite into Romance linguistics. I knew of Galician through study of Portuguese, and this started my fascination with minority languages.

I've actually created one OC pony with a Catalan name. Let's see if I get to use her.

i'll try to minimize the POV changes in the future.

I am surprised you got the usual problem of the spaniards and the double negation.
Oh dunno why since the first moment Storm made me think about Don Qixote, XD
Hmm one thing about Xavi exwife, I have never heard Dolors, the name should be Dolores. But people dont use to pronounce that name ( because literally means Pain) but the diminutive Lola, or Loli if you are near.
Now that you put the timetable I am confused how a catalan and a british that were in France met in Euskadi. Also how an american ended in Italy just a week after being in Paris. Also I think that in Italy as most Europe but England drive by the same side as in America :pinkiehappy:

7067448
You're on the right track with the Don Quixote observation. Half of Storm's inspiration is Dox Quixote. The other is hinted in his cutie mark. And no, it's not Buzz Lightyear, though I'm only now realizing how much that one applies.

As far as Dolors goes, the dictionary I used says that is the Catalan spelling. You are probably right about the diminutive. I'm probably just being too showy with the name meaning pain. It reminds me of Inuyasha, where they had to change the protagonist's name because Kagome was rather unfortunate in most romance languages.

Also I think that in Italy as most Europe but England drive by the same side as in America

Probably should have looked that one up :facehoof:

I wonder why people assume that even in europe the government and people would react so hostile.

7069241

It's hard to predict something like this; though on paper, it looks like you guys probably would react better. Maybe the government would react better than the common people, of which a vocal minority would seriously object. Hard to say.

I like this character xD She brings a good note of ease and humor

7070405
She's fun to write to boot.

7064275
Damn I was not notified of any of your answers! Lucky me i was reading the comments here to give my last feedback. You did really well, as you know this is a touchy topic, but I think you approached it very well. Here I see Xavi as a regular and good guy, that happen to guilt part of his misfortune to politic. In my experience the few hiper nationalist that I have found are like that. Rare is the case that they will get aggressive if you speak Spanish to them.
Oh yeah the little languages are quite interesting, I use to mix some words from catalan or basquian with my Spanish :p
I mentioned the catalan names because those already sound funny in spanish, in catalan have to be even more amusing :p

Well i am not catalan, i am canarian in fact, but i have been living in Barcelona the last 5 years. So if you need more feedback or advice i will be glad to help :)

7067927 now you only need a Sancho Panza and you have the full set xD I still surprised when I see people from abroad that knows spanish culture

I just checked and you are right, the catalan version of Dolores is Dolors xD
Here they use to dont translate the names. But then again, there are some japanese names that sounds bad in spanish. Like Laputa Castle (studio Ghibli movie, it means Whore xD) or a car called Pajero(masturbator)

The change of POV are good, in fact i like it. Keeps the story more dynamic and you never got bored of any character. This reminds me a bit to R R Martin.
I was more confused of why or how they traveled so much. Maybe i am missing more descriptions. :)

7069485 dunno where you come from so its hard to give a comparative point of view. So I will take USA(as it is picture in the movies, i am not an expert in politics xD) as example. Here the government is not that powerful. Someone dissappearing because the government intelligence agency is unheard. The most you can find is corruption(a lot of money dissapears). Also here people is quite close: i suppose that if someone turns into a pony most likely ther family and friends would close ranks around them. And they would try to get a health permit to stop working and take siestas all day xD
Heck! For sure all the political parties would try to take them under their wing to gain popularity

7071860 become the equivalent to a talking flying and troll cat sure has to be fun xD

7071909
I may take you up on that; you could be a great resource.

7071979
I may be able to make that work...

7071988
My ideal reincarnation.

7073714 yay finally so much beer and so maby tapas will be useful for something xD

Ah! You tease us so! Is Storm a man driven insane by his transformation into a pegasus, or is he a genuine pegasus from Equestria, who happens to be completely insane? Does he know a way to Equestria, when it's so far separate from Earth that even Discord's great power strains to reach us? Did they just cross the English channel on footwing? And how do you derive something so fine quality, so intriguing and captivating as this story, from such a tawdry cheap story like The Chaotic Touch of Harmony? Your characterization is amazing!

7097214
Hearing you enjoy this little story of mine so much really made my day. It's high praise, so thank you.

My strategy for writing this was to explore the gaps left by the original story. It was most interesting in exploring the macro-scale conflict and the broader developments. What interested me most about the premise was how the ponification would affect individuals caught in the middle of the conflict.

Another departure from the original is the reversal of the main character aura. Alexia's cutie mark gives her the chosen one vibe, so I wanted to see what happens when a villain is the one blessed with such power instead. It's a development I had to negotiate long and hard to get the original author's consent for. I look forward to writing it.

7104571
Oh right, that head Mion guy. He's totally Princess Mion. :rainbowlaugh:

Glad to hear I've made your day. It's so much easier to write when people actually tell you what they think about it. What I like about this story isn't so much what the original author thinks of it, but the interesting characters, and their complex relationships and personalities. They are all very different people, and it's fascinating to see them interact, and get hints at the history that brought them to be that way.

Karma is a bitch xD
Finally nice chapter
One thing about Baskians. They are not that cold with outsider, specially if they were originally from euskadi. In fact they use to be nice :)

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