• Published 22nd Nov 2014
  • 1,915 Views, 23 Comments

The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity - HudsonHawk



In this reboot/spin off of The Mare Who Fell to Earth, Rarity is sent to Earth as a human to collect data on humankind. She's taken in by a nerd who will show her what it's like to be human, and that not all of us are bloodthirsty monsters

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Once Upon a Time in the City of Milwaukee (Part One) by HudsonHawk

"It was in 1003 CR when we discovered that humans were not myths. They were as real as you or I. They appeared to be savage animals with a penchant for destroying each other. However, Princess Celestia believed that an entire species should not be judged by the actions of a few, and thus the Human Research Project was devised..."

-Princess Twilight Sparkle, Equestrian History, sixth edition, published 1143 CR.


It was a cold November evening, 7:30 on a Saturday, if you want to be precise. As the first snow of the year began outside in the ball-freezing cold, the staff of Curious Goods, a small, locally-owned hobby and craft shop, was closing up for the day. There were the owners, Charlie Gleeson and his wife Jill, and young Jimmy Quinn, their sole employee. They had another guy, a seemingly clean-cut chap named O'Malley, but he had been sacked earlier that day. A little after noon, he had been caught stealing Testor's model glue to feed his huffing habit, and Charlie read him the riot act. Jimmy was called in to finish his shift, and like always, agreed. He lived in the apartment above the shop, so it really wasn't much trouble.

Charlie and Jill had been married for the past twenty-six years, twenty-seven next February. Charlie had met Jill in high school back in 1979. He had been a sophomore, she a senior. They had married three years later. Several years later, due to Charlie's love of model-building, he and Jill bought a small store with a small apartment up top on Norris Avenue, and within a year Curious Goods was open for business.

Throughout the years, they had forged relationships with a variety of regulars. This, of course, helped keep them afloat for fifteen years. However, the people they would consider their best friends were their next door neighbors Sam and Joan Quinn. The Gleesons moved to 4590 South Caroll Street in 1988 when they bought the shop, and hit it off with the Quinns when they moved into 4612 about five years later. Sam was a policeman and Joan a former paralegal. They had moved out of their previous neighborhood, a haven for drugs and gangs, to properly raise their two children, eight-year old Audrey and six year-old Jimmy. Audrey was a bright girl and a straight-A student, a self-starter who was bound for great things, while Jimmy was content with pulling in Bs and Cs and seemed to be more creative, mostly in the building of models. Charlie and Jimmy hit it off instantly when each found out about the other's hobby.

Jimmy was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome a few years ago. Prior to that, it was thought he had ADHD. He was placed in the special class in school until the fifth grade. Jimmy remained blissfully ignorant throughout, and only learned of the bigger picture when his parents told him about how his therapist had once told them he only had a future as a bagger in a grocery store. Well, he had graduated high school and, in a year, would soon be a college graduate. If he knew where she was now, he would visit her and rub it in her face.

A year ago, Joan's mother had a stroke, and she and Sam had to move to Fon Du Lac to take care of her. Since Jimmy was studying at MATC and couldn't afford to be uprooted from his studies, especially so close to graduation, they asked the Gleesons to look after him. Since Charlie and Jill saw Audrey and Jimmy as surrogate grandchildren, they agreed, and they had Jimmy move into the apartment above the shop which the Gleesons had been using for storage. Jimmy graduated in the summer, and his parents and grandmother, along with his sister, came down to see it, along with the Gleesons. They gave him a job at the store after he graduated to help him pay off his student loans.

It was also a year ago that Jimmy met Carrie Hayes, in a bar. As fate had it, she was a classmate of his in his Graphic Design course. They had hit it off, and had started dating. She didn't know about Jimmy's disability, a decision which he wrestled with for the past year. Every time it came up in his mind, a battle was fought between his common sense and his insecurities. His common sense told him to tell her, as she may be understanding of it. Tolerance of mental health seemed to have come a long way. However, his insecurities were about the size of Godzilla, and told him that if he told her, she'd dump him as she wouldn't want someone “slow.” As she was his first girlfriend, and his self image was so low thanks to bullying throughout much of his school life that if it were a number it would be in the negatives, his insecurities curb-stomped his common sense, then ran their underwear up the flagpole while they were still wearing them.

Jimmy and Carrie were rather different: due to his Asperger's, Jimmy was a giant movie, TV, and pop culture nut. He had action figures displayed all over the apartment, along with his collection of models and movie posters. She was into the Twilight saga (which Jimmy felt was an insult to the word “saga”), clothes, and collecting Hummel figurines.

“Isn't it just adorable?” She had said, finding a “Merry Wanderer” Hummel at a yard sale.

“Oh, yes.” Jimmy had started. He finished the sentence mentally: “...if you think Chucky is just darling.”

They creeped Jimmy out, doubly so since she gave them their own shelf. Every time Jimmy passed them, it felt like they were watching him. He half expected their hands to open and reveal guns, like Autons, then go on the attack. He also suffered through all five Twilight movies, but then that's story of, that's the glory of love, right? She had told him she was thinking of moving in soon so he let her leave some of her stuff there, like her movies and her creepy Hummels.

Tonight was their one year anniversary, so they would get some wine, have a little dinner, watch “Love Story,” and then retire to his room for a little “fun time.”

Jimmy had just finished sweeping the floor. Mr. Gleeson had his coat on, and Mrs. Gleeson was just slipping into hers.

“Got any plans tonight, Jim?” Mr. Gleeson asked.

“Yes.” Jimmy replied. “Carrie and I have a little anniversary celebration planned. Movie, wine, dinner, and I think you see where it's going.”

“What movie?” Mr. Gleeson asked.

“Love Story.”

“Aw, geez...”

“I know, but if I can survive all five Twilight movies in a row, Love Story shouldn't be a problem.”

“Good luck. Remember to lock the store up, buckaroo, before you get down to business.”

“I will, Mr. G.”

“Well, good night, Jim. See you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Mr. G.”

The Gleesons left for the evening, and Jimmy set about locking up the store for the evening. It was 8:00 by the time he left. Jimmy was 5' 8” and about 280 pounds. His Hawaiian shirt, jeans, and white tennis shoes were covered by a dark green trenchcoat and his Fourth Doctor scarf, a present Mom crocheted him for Christmas two years ago. He headed for the green '64 Chevy Malibu parked in front. It was his grandfather's car, and he had inherited it when he passed on five years ago. Jimmy got in and started it up, letting it warm up a bit while enjoying the sweet sounds of his favorite Huey Lewis song emanating from the radio. He really did believe in love


Jimmy switched on the light as he entered the apartment. The pole lamp by the door lit up the room, showing off the 'shrine to nerdiness” as Carrie affectionately called it. Against the left wall, there was a 29-inch Samsung LED TV, hooked up to a LG Blu-Ray player, set in the middle of a entertainment center. Several game systems sat in a large shelf above it: an NES, SNES, XBOX, PS2, Gamecube, N64 and Dreamcast. The game for each were stacked in the set of shelves on the left. The other shelves contained part of his vast collection of DVDs and Blu-Rays.

In front of the games and movies were action figures: Doctor Who, Star Trek, a couple of the Cryptkeeper, several from Last Action Hero, and nearly all of the Battlefield Earth movie figures; the last were Jimmy's favorites. There was a set of plastic drawers, the kind you'd get at a craft store, next to it, containing the remainder of his collection. Across the way from the door, there was a large bookshelf, full of books on Doctor Who, movie novelizations, and anything else that caught his fancy. There was a large window next to it, looking down onto Howell Avenue. Next to that, there was a set of shelves containing Carrie's Hummel collection.

The middle of the room had a cheap yet comfortable couch and a recliner, in the optimal position for movie watching, and before them a small coffee table. Behind that was a wall with a doorway leading to the bathroom, and a small shelf containing Carrie's books and movies; Love Story, the Twilight saga, the Nicholas Sparks oeuvre... all there. Next, a stereo and turntable sat on a small stand, net to a wooden crate containing Jimmy's record collection. Next to that was a doorway leading to a small kitchen. The last wall had a doorway leading to the bedroom and a love seat. Movie posters and Blockbuster backer cards covered the walls. On the back of the front door was the advance poster for Jimmy's favorite bad movie of all time: Battlefield Earth. The movie never failed to cheer Jimmy up in times of despondency.

As soon as his glasses de-fogged, Jimmy headed into the kitchen and set the wine down on the counter. He checked the time: it was nearly 9:30, and Carrie would be here soon. He called up DiMarino's, their favorite Italian restaurant, and ordered a large meat-lover's pizza. He then grabbed Love Story from Carrie's movie shelf and popped it into the player.

This would be a night he would never forget. He knew she was the one for him. He would tell her about his Asperger's.


“Hi, hon!” Jimmy said as Carrie walked in the door. Carrie was a cute brunette of 27, clad in a smart little dark green blouse with black dress pants. She had just gotten off of work, and looked it. With all the bags under them, her hazel eyes looked like they were planning a trip to Aruba.

“Hello, Jim-Jim.” She said, kissing him. She mispronounced Chim-Chim's name when she saw Jimmy watching an episode of Speed Racer, and it just stuck. There were worse names out there: for example, Jimbo...

“How was your day?” He asked.

“Busy.” She replied. “Whoever said Black Friday sales should start early should be shot.”

“The perils of working in retail.”

“Well, do you remember what today is?You're so scatterbrained...”

“Yes, I do. It was one year ago today that we started dating. Happy anniversary, dear.”

They hugged, and she started down Memory Lane.

“I remember when I first met you: you were at Amelia's, on karaoke night, and you sang 'Asshole' by Denis Leary. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.”

“Yep. Sang it once every time afterward.”

“Yeah. You didn't really get the hint that I was interested afterward. I pretty much had to spell it out, but then again, that seems to be a man thing.”

“Yeah...” Jimmy said, successfully disguising the slight hurt he felt. “I've never really been a social butterfly.”

“I know, and I've been trying to help you out. You still keep to yourself and me, I don't get it. Well, if at first you don't succeed.”

“Got a pizza coming from DiMarino's, there's wine in the kitchen, and I've got Love Story cued up in the Blu-Ray player.”

“Wonderful.”

“Umm... before we get down to business, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, you can ask me anything.”

Jimmy couldn't think of a better way to put it. “What if you knew I was different from other guys?”

“I already know that.” She replied. “Just look at your place. You don't call it The Nerd's Den for nothing.”

“I mean... really different...”

She paused. “My last boyfriend said this before he came out of the closet.”

“Oh, no, it's not that.”

“Then what is it?”

Jimmy finally got up the courage and spoke. “I... have Aspreger's syndrome.”

She stared. “What's that?”

“It's a mental disorder. It's basically high-functioning Autism.”

“You can't be retarded. You're smart.”

Jimmy chose to ignore that. “No, it's not that kind of mental disorder. I just process information differently.”

“Then you are retarded?”

“No, I'm not.”

“You mean you can take a pill and it'll go away?”

“No! It's a permanent thing, it can't be cured.”

“Oh, my god. All this time... I never knew. I was wondering why you never became more social... why you keep collecting movies and all that other crap... why you always do that thing with your hands...”

“Hand flapping?”

“That's it.”

“Well...”

She paused. “I'm glad you told me.”

“You are?” Jimmy asked, hopeful.

“Yeah. I'm glad you told me before we got married... before we had kids. I'd have to raise one big and several little Rain Men. That would take years off of my life!”

Jimmy felt as if she had just ripped out his heart. “What?”

“I'd have to raise a litter of retards. I just can't do that.”

Jimmy was stunned. You think you know a person...

“But... I love you. Don't you remember the tag for Love Story? 'Love means never having to say you're sorry?'” Jimmy said, his broken heart sinking.

“Well, I'm sorry. I can't deal with a retard.”

Carrie grabbed her stuff. “Goodbye, Jimmy. Maybe you'll find someone, but it's not going to be me.”

As the door slammed, a tear started to well in Jimmy's eye. He collapsed onto the sofa in despair.

It was a few moments before there was a knock at the door.

“Carrie?”

“DiMarino's.” The pizza guy said. “You ordered the meat-lover's special?”

Jimmy accepted the pizza and paid the guy. He wasn't the kind to waste good food. As he set the pizza down on the coffee table, he walked up to his talking Terl action figure, perched on the entertainment center.

"What do you think, Terl?" Jimmy asked. "Did I screw up royal by telling her that?"

He pressed the button on Terl's chest. The barrel of his Psychlo blast-gun lit up.

"That's the first intelligent thing you've said yet!" Terl boomed in John Travolta's hamtastic manner.

"That's what I thought, buddy." Jimmy said, sadly. If Matt didn't have a date with Beth tonight, he'd call him up and ask him to come over. He'd always cheer him up. For now, Jimmy was alone with his pain. Then he remembered the wine...


Jimmy had for the longest time failed to see the appeal of drinking yourself silly, especially for fun. However, the events of the past couple of hours convinced him that now was a great time to start. This line of thought led to a half-drunk Jimmy sadly eating pizza as he chugged wine straight from the bottle, Battlefield Earth playing on the TV. For once, the movie had failed to cheer him up. The terrible plot and John Travolta's overacting couldn't take his mind off of what had happened. She seemed so nice... so sweet... so caring... and then...

Jimmy took another bite and took another swig of wine, finally hitting empty.

“Damn.” He said to himself. “I'm still thinking of her. Not drunk enough yet.” He picked up the bottle and the leftover pizza, taking both to the kitchen. He set the bottle on the counter and began to set the pizza in the fridge, when he spied a bottle of Captain Morgan rum in the back.

“If getting a little Captain in me will help dull the pain, let's try it.” He said to himself. He grabbed the bottle from the back and set the pizza inside. He closed the door and uncorked the bottle.

“Time to set sail...” He put the bottle to his lips and chugged.


The alarm on Jimmy's cell phone went off, the shrill beeping exacerbating his headache. He checked the time: 7:00 AM. He had forgotten to reset it, as his shift today began at 12:30.

Jimmy had found himself in his bed with his first hangover. His mouth tasted like vomit, and he was in total agony. It felt like a Slipknot concert was being held in his head, and the amps were all the way up to eleven. Despite the agony, he was able to turn around with some difficulty and saw the strange woman in his bed.

“Hello, darling.” She said, in a cordial Trans-Atlantic accent.

“Oh, hello.” Jimmy said, as pleasant as one can be while your head feels like someone's parked a bus in it. “Wow, you have pretty eyes.”

“Thank you.” She replied.

He got up and staggered to the kitchen on what felt like legs of Jell-O, making a mental note that rum and wine are very much like Michael Bay and period drama: they're a horrible, nauseating, painful mix.

“Coffee... must have coffee... must be black...” He chanted, almost zombie-like as he headed for the kitchen. He found the coffee grounds and started to brew a fresh pot. He knocked the empty wine bottle aside and took a swig from the half-empty Captain Morgan bottle on the counter.

“Hair of the dog.” Jimmy said to himself. The pain in his head started to go down, and the smell of the coffee brewing started to jump-start his senses. It was then when his wine and rum-dulled synapses began to tell him that something was amiss...

“Hold on. Wake up with hangover. Greet strange woman in my bed. Compliment her eyes. Stagger to kit-” A dim bulb brightened, and he stopped in shock and staggered back to the bedroom.

Yep, there was a strange woman in his bed. She looked to be in her mid-twenties, and was a knockout. She looked to be of Asian descent, and her purple hair and sapphire eyes could make someone's pulse race from across the room. She had three cyan gems tattooed on each of her hips, which Jimmy only noticed because she was nude.

“Hello again.” She said.

Jimmy slowly shut the door. He then turned away and shut his eyes.

“One... two... three... four... five...”

He opened the door and looked back. She was still there. He wasn't hallucinating.

“Want to know who the hay I am?” She asked.

Jimmy nodded, slack-jawed.

“I'm Rarity...” She scanned the room, looking for a last name. Her eyes soon set on a poster for "Q." The gears turned as she came across a name that seemed nice and inconspicuous...

"Rarity Quetzalcoatl."

Normally, Jimmy would wonder why she had the name of an Aztec god as her last name, but thanks to the pounding headache and the shock of what was going on, it slipped through the cracks.

“Hello, Rarity.” He said, trying to sound calm. “I'm Jimmy.”

He had set sail with the Captain and come back with a passenger.


In minutes Jimmy was seated on the couch, his mind racing. “What did I do last night?” He thought out loud.

Rarity exited the bedroom. “If you must know, darling, it seemed to involve mostly snoring like a breeder hog.” She replied.

Jimmy turned around. She was still nude. As she turned away, exploring her surroundings, Jimmy immediately grabbed a pillow from the couch and placed it over a... certain area.

“If you don't mind my asking, how did you get here?” Jimmy asked.

"What do you mean?" Rarity replied.

"What were you doing in my bed?"

"Sleeping."

"I mean, how did you get there?"

"Uhhh..." Rarity panicked. "...you brought me home?"

"From where?"

First experience with a human. I've got to make a good first impression. Rarity thought. Oh! A nice story of charity should do it!

"You found me walking the street and brought me here."

In a drunken stupor, I went out and hired a hooker? Jimmy thought.

"Do I... owe you anything?" Jimmy asked.

"Oh, no. I owe you for bringing me someplace safe and warm."

She's offering a freebie?

Rarity walked up behind him and pecked him on the cheek. "Thank you, darling."

Jimmy was flattered. "I didn't do anything to you, did I?"

"Oh, no. We just slept together."

"WHOA!" Jimmy stood up with a shock. He didn't think he'd be on the rebound so quickly. He turned around and got an eyeful. He quickly looked away.

"Is there something wrong?" Rarity asked.

"No... nooo...." Jimmy replied. Down, boy. He thought.

"Then why aren't you looking at me? Oh, no. The spell made me ugly..."

"Spell?" Jimmy's interest was piqued. "What about a spell?"

Oh, no! I forgot: they don't practice magic here. Rarity thought.

"I didn't say anything about a spell." Rarity lied.

"I heard you say 'Oh, no. The spell made me ugly.'"

"Oh... that... I was speaking about that fitful... spell... of sleep we had?"

Jimmy faced her. "You're lying." He quickly turned away and grabbed the pillow.

Rarity felt trapped. "Okay. I'm lying."

"So, what are you doing here? Jimmy asked.

“Well, I came here as part of a project.”

“A project?”

“Yes. You see, I may look like you, but I'm really a pony.”

Jimmy struggled to keep from laughing. “A pony?” This lady's got it worse than I do.

“Well, a unicorn, actually.”

This is rich.

“A unicorn?” I said.

“I know it's hard to believe...”

“Understatement of the decade, my friend.” Jimmy said as he looked back, and found himself staring. He mentally dope slapped himself. Focus! This girl's flown over the cuckoo's nest. The last thing you should do is keep staring at her rather large and perfect... FOCUS, GODDAMMIT! FOCUS OR I'LL MAKE SURE THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE WORLD IS STUCK IN HERE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! That's right, I'm willing to torture myself if it means keeping you from thinking with you dick!

That snapped him out of it.

“Why are you staring at me?” Rarity asked.

Jimmy wiped the drool from his chin. “Sorry.”

“Well...?”

“You're just very... attractive, and very... nude.”

“Really?” She asked. “Do you have a mirror?”

Another mental dope slap. “It's in the bathroom over there.” He pointed at the bathroom door. As she headed to the door, Jimmy started hand flapping as he got a good look at her-

It's a small world after all...

That snapped him back.

Enjoy the show? I warned you. Don't make me do it again.

He held the pillow a bit more tightly.


“Oh Celestia!” Jimmy heard from the bathroom. “The spell worked!”

Rarity rushed out of the bathroom, and Jimmy had to look away before his brain assaulted him with another burst of the Sherman brothers' hellish creation.

“How do I look?” Rarity asked.

He couldn't resist.

“Incredible.” Jimmy said.

"I know! Just look at the eyelashes! I don't have to wear fake ones in this form!" Rarity said as she spun around in pure joy. Jimmy looked, hands flapping once again while admiring her-

...it's a small world after all...

Fine... stupid brain...

WHAT WAS THAT?

Nothing.

Gonna do it again?

No.

Good. Now, do the gentlemanly thing.

“Can I get you some breast-er, clothes?” Jimmy asked, trying not to look.

Smooth.

“Do I need them?” Rarity responded, ignoring or ignorant of the Freudian slip. "I rarely wear them where I come from."

You're teasing me, aren't you God?

“Yes, you do. You gotta wear clothes. If you don't, you'll get arrested.”

Mr. T has taught you well.

“Really? Then... sure.”

“OK, I'll see what I've got.”

Jimmy reluctantly put the pillow aside and stiffly headed for his bedroom closet.


Jimmy looked away as he handed Rarity an AC/DC T-shirt and a pair of blue plaid pajama pants.

“Is there something wrong?” Rarity asked, noticing Jimmy's discomfort.

“Uh, no.” Jimmy responded, trying to think unsexy thoughts.

Ehhh... Margaret Thatcher... Mama Cass... Rosie O'Donnell... Victoria Jackson...

GAHH- wait, past or present Victoria Jackson?

Present.

GAHH!!!

...all naked on a cold day...

GAAAHH!!! PLEASE KILL ME!!!

“Thank you.” Rarity responded.

“No problem. You can change in the bathroom.”

“Once again, thank you, darling.” Rarity pecked him on the cheek and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Jimmy was relieved.

“Cold shower tonight. Definitely need a cold shower tonight.”


The coffee was ready by the time Rarity left the bathroom.

"How do I look?" The personification of unkempt beauty asked.

When Jimmy saw her, he was convinced she could wear a Hefty bag and make it look good.

"Marvelous." Jimmy replied.

“What's that delightful smell?” Rarity asked.

“Coffee.” Jimmy replied. “Want some?”

“Sure.”

Jimmy got two mugs down from the cupboard. Rarity took a seat at the counter as Jimmy poured two cups of black coffee.

“So, you said you were a unicorn?” Jimmy asked, taking a sip and popping a couple Tylenol.

“Yes. I come from a land called Equestria...”

“Equestria?”

“Yes. You see, I was testing a spell for my friend Twilight Sparkle-

“Twiight Sparkle?” Jimmy asked, trying to stifle a laugh.

“Yes. What's wrong with that name?”

“Uh, nothing. Go on.”

“As I was saying, I was testing a spell for her and, obviously, it worked.”

“Come again?”

“I'm not a unicorn anymore! I'm a human.”

“Yes...”

“And this is Earth, right?”

“Yes...”

“Oh, Celestia, the spells work! Twilight will be so happy when she finds out.” Rarity sipped her coffee.

“So, is everyone in Equestria a pony?” Jimmy asked, his headache nearly gone.

“No. We have unicorns like me, pegasi, minotaurs, dragons, zebras, manticores... a lot more than just ponies.”

“Uh... huh...”

Roll out the wacky wagons...

“You don't believe me, do you?” Rarity asked.

How can I put this lightly?

“It's rather hard to believe.” Jimmy said.

“Why?”

“Nobody really knows magic here. We don't have talking ponies, we don't have any of the creatures you've mentioned... frankly, you sound kind of nuts.”

“What if I can prove it?”

“Then I'll admit I'm wrong, and I'll hang on to your every word.”

“Fine.” Rarity concentrated. She looked like a young Drew Barrymore trying to set someone on fire with her mind. “Why don't you look in the next room? Am I crazy now, darling?”

Jimmy looked. His jaw dropped open wide enough to fit the Space Shuttle in. His TV, surrounded by a blue glow, was floating away from the entertainment center. Jimmy ran over, running his hand over and under it. There were no wires. He turned to Rarity. “How are you doing this?”

“All unicorns are capable of magic. The least we can do is basic levitation. Many like Twilight, study magic and can do much, much more.” She replied, a smug grin on her face.

“It's gotta be a trick.” Jimmy said.

“Really?” Rarity asked. “Feeling lightheaded yet, darling?”

Jimmy felt himself rise. “AAAHHH!!!”

He was surrounded in that blue aura, high above his living room, back against the ceiling. Now he knew how Tina felt in A Nightmare on Elm Street.

“Believe me now?” Rarity asked.

“YES! YES! JUST PUT ME DOWN!”

“OK...”

Jimmy fell. “OW! You could have set me on something soft.”

“Like your head?”

“Oh, ha ha.”

Jimmy got up and brushed himself off. “Now, what was this about a project...?”


The pair were seated on the couch, Jimmy still in pain from the drop.

“You said that here, all the creatures I listed are myths and legends? In Equestria, it's the other way around: humans are myths.” Rarity started. “They're said to be bloodthirsty savages, beings who live only to murder and pillage. We weren't going to bother after looking at your history and saw great monsters like Hit-larr and Ameen...”

“If we're so savage, why are you here?” I asked.

“Well, we're ruled by two alicorns...”

“Alicorns?”

“Ponies that have both the wings of a pegasi and the horn of a unicorn. They're immensely powerful. One raises the sun, the other raises the moon...”

“I get it. Please go on.”

“Well, Princess Celestia, one of our rulers, believed that we shouldn't write off an entire species based on the actions of a few. She decided to send someone to Earth. They would live among them and gather data on the species, with a special emphasis on whether they were capable of kindness and compassion. They found spells to both transform a pony into a human and one for interplanetary travel. They weren't tested, so I volunteered to try it. Well, they worked.”

“So, when are they coming to take you back?”

“I don't know.”

“Well... this is awkward.”

“I agree, darling.”

There was uncomfortable silence for the next few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip of coffee.

“Have you got a family?” Rarity asked.

Jimmy was thankful for the distraction. “Yes.”

“Really? Who?”

“A mom, dad, sister, a grandmother, and the people who run the shop below. Well, they're not blood related...”

“Where are they?”

“Well, the owners live next door to my house.”

“Why aren't you over there?”

“My parents had to leave. They're in Fon Du Lac. It's a city north of here. My grandmother had a stroke and they had to move up there to take care of her. That was a year ago.”

Rarity put a hand on my shoulder. “I'm sorry.”

“Thanks. Anyway, I was in college, and close to graduating, so the Gleesons... they run the shop... took me in so I could finish. They gave me a job here and they let me live in the apartment up here. They're really nice people, you're gonna have to meet them...”

Jimmy paused. “What about you?”

“Yes. My mom and dad, and my little sister Sweetie Belle.” Rarity replied.

“All unicorns, too?”

“Of course. My mom and dad are from midwest Equestria. Dad was a hoofball player, Mom was a baker. They settled down in Ponyville just before I was born because he got traded to the Ponyville Mustangs, and my mom wound up staying at home to raise me and later Sweetie. I'm still wondering where I got my fashion sense from, because judging from the amount of tacky shirts and dresses in their closet, it couldn't have been them.”

“Hoofball player?” Jimmy soon realized she was talking about pony football, and tried to picture ponies dashing down the 40 yard line with the ball in their teeth and attempting to do the Ickey shuffle. He managed to suppress a laugh. “Retired?”

“Yes. He coaches now. Mom's gotten back into baking. Judging by how she's been teaching Sweetie, she's a tad rusty.”

“Rusty how?”

“Sweetie managed to not only burn toast but liquify it as well...”

Jimmy would later mop up the coffee he had been drinking. It was on the other side of the room, which is a really good distance when liquid travels through one's nose during a laughing fit.

“I'm sorry...” Jimmy blurted out as he calmed down.

“That's okay, darling. I understand.” Rarity replied.

“Do you have a job?” Jimmy asked.

“Yes.” Rarity replied. “I actually own my own business in Ponyville. It's called the Carousel Boutique. I design and sew clothes. You name it, I can design and sew it. I'm the best in town. What do you do?”

“Well...” Jimmy started. “...like I said, I work here. I run the register, I stock shelves, I take deliveries. It's a nice job, it pays well for an hourly gig, and my bosses are like family to my... family.”

Jimmy paused.

“So... friends?”

“I have five of them...”


“Nice story.” Jimmy said.

“Yes. They're more than my friends, they're my true companions. I can't imagine my life without them.” Rarity finished. “So, what about you?”

“I have one friend. My best friend, Matt Borchers.” Jimmy started. “We've known each other since I was eleven. He's my pal, my amigo, my bosom companion, a guy I would gladly take a bullet for. He's like the brother I never had.”

“How'd you meet?” Rarity asked.

“I met him at a Blockbuster. It's a video store. We turned out to have a mutual interest in sci-fi and horror movies, and we hit it off from there.”

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Rarity asked.

Jimmy grew silent and serious. “I really don't want to talk about it.”

“Why not?”

“I just don't want to.”

“Is there some sort of-”

“IT”S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS!”

Rarity looked shocked and a bit hurt. Jimmy put a hand over his mouth, realizing what happened.

“I'm sorry.” Jimmy said.

“No, you didn't want to talk about it.” Rarity said. “I shouldn't have pressed you. I should respect your privacy...”

“No, it's not OK. I snapped at you for no reason. Do you really want to know?”

“Sure, darling. If you really want to tell me.”

“OK... I did have a girlfriend. Carrie Hayes. I met her last year in a bar. She liked me because I made her laugh.”

“I can't think of a mare who doesn't like that.”

“Mare- oh, right. Anyway, she seemed very sweet, and kind, and we hit it off. Then, last night happened.”

“What happened?”

“I told her about my problem.”

“What is it?”

“I have a mental disorder called Asperger's syndrome. It impairs my social skills. I can't read body language and hints aren't an option; you want to tell me something, you have to be upfront. I get fascinated by one single subject; sometimes that's all I can talk about. Hell, how I've managed to carry on a conversation with you is beyond miraculous. I'm repetitive in behaviors and activities. Other than that, I'm rather normal. I have a higher IQ than most, a better vocabulary...”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I told her about it. Many people are under the impression that because it's a mental disorder, it means you're... stupid, to use the least offensive term.”

“So...”

“I told her, and she dumped me. She said she was glad I told her before we got married... before we had a litter of retards. You think you know someone, and then she turns out to be a bitch in sheep's clothing.”

Rarity's face was the picture of utter compassion.

Jimmy's voice started to crack. Tears began to form in his eyes. “When I was diagnosed, I was both relieved and saddened. I was relieved that I could explain it, but I was saddened because I wasn't normal. I freeze up in a lot of social situations. I can't look people in the eye... I like to be by myself most of the time... people see my interests and tell me to grow up, to act my age... I can't help the way I am...”

The dam burst under the pressure of last night's events. “I hated myself for the longest time. I hated being unable to read people, to see if I was boring them or if they were even interested in me. I hated being afraid to approach people. I hated being afraid to speak to people. Then I met Carrie. I thought I could tell her anything... anything except that. I was afraid she'd leave me because she wouldn't understand what it's like to go through life just being me... and I was right. Why am I like this?”

A lifetime of self-hatred came out in five minutes. Jimmy buried his head in his hands, crying. He then felt a soft touch on his shoulder, and arm pulled him into a tight hug.

“Just cry it out, darling.” Rarity said.

Jimmy hugged her back, crying into her shoulder as she rocked him, trying to console him.

“Can I tell you something?” She asked.

Jimmy, through a cracked voice, said “Sure.”

“My experience with love wasn't that good either.”

“Get out. Someone like you?”

“Yes. I was at the social event of the season, the Grand Galloping Gala. I met Celestia's nephew, Prince Blueblood. He looked like everything I'd always dreamed of. He was handsome, refined... and then I got to know him.”

“Go on.”

“He was a royal pain in the flank. He had to be the most selfish, stuck-up stallion I had ever met. He looked down on Applejack because...” She then did a serviceable impression of an upper-class twit. “My royal lips have touched common carnival fare!”

Jimmy laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes. She continued. “He had me lay down my cape for him to cross a puddle! He had me pay for the apple fritters he looked down on, and he used me as a shield against a flying cake!”

Jimmy gave her a stare that oozed “The hell?”

“It's a long story.” Rarity said.

“So, what happened?” Jimmy asked.

“I called him out for it, he complained that he had just been groomed...” She stood up. “I asked him if he was afraid to get dirty.” She then shook herself as if she were shaking the cake off and onto the twit.”It was the most satisfying moment of that night.”

Jimmy was giggling like a schoolgirl brought before Johnny Depp. “So, aside from cheering me up, what was the point?”

Rarity sat back down, her arm around Jimmy. “Sometimes who we think is right for us turns out to be, well, completely wrong for us. I didn't let that get me down. I know that there's somepony- someone out there for me still. If I'm correct, was she your first love?”

“Not my first crush, exactly, but my first real girlfriend.”

“Then, darling, you keep trying. As a matter of fact, her narrow mind may have cost her a great guy.”

“And how can you tell I'm a great guy? You've known me for barely a day.”

“If you weren't a great guy, you would have done some ghastly things to me when I was... vulnerable... earlier. If you weren't a great guy, you wouldn't have loaned me these cheesy yet serviceable clothes, you wouldn't have offered me coffee, and we wouldn't have had this conversation.”

She grabbed Jimmy's face, a hand on either side. “Can you look me in my eyes?”

“I'll try.” Jimmy said.

“If all she sees is a mental disorder, then she's not worth it. I know it hurts, but the pain does go away. There's someone out there for you. I know so.”

Jimmy felt better, like a weight had been lifted from his heart. “I know I said this earlier when I was hungover, but I mean it. You really have very pretty eyes.”

Jimmy hugged her. “Let the healing process begin.” Rarity said.

Jimmy pulled away. “I can't thank you enough.”

“It's generosity. It's what I do.”

“I know it's a stupid question, but do you have anywhere to go?”

“I don't. Not here at least.”

“You do now. My house is your house. You can stay for as long as you like.”

“I... don't know what to say...”

“A simple “thank you” will do.”

“Thank you.”

She paused.

“I don't think we've been formally introduced.”

Jimmy put out his hand. “I'm James Quinn. My friends call me Jimmy.”

Rarity grabbed his hand and shook it. “I'm Rarity. My friends call me... Rarity...”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

“By the way...” she pointed to the front of her shirt. “What's AC/DC?”