• Member Since 15th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 7th, 2018

SunsetJewel


Just an 18 year old who hasn't been on in forever. Ready to show the world how I've improved

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Fluttershy's best friend Pinkie Pie was murdered two years ago, and after the police finally give up on solving the case and her friend Rainbow Dash losing hope it ever would be, Fluttershy decides to try and find the culprit herself. Though she's just a shy, clumsy Pegasus who takes care of animals for a living how can she do ANYTHING. Luckily a friend of Fluttershy's knows just the pony to go to for help though Fluttershy later finds calling him a pony is..a bit of a stretch! Unlucky though the one pony who can help her is not only a grumpy Draconequus named Discord he's also a thief who hates making sense! But he has the best detective skills Equestria has ever seen and is Fluttershy's one and only shot to solveing the case. But for that to work he'll have to work with her and Fluttershy is not sure he can do anything but ruffle her feathers. At this point though Fluttershy has no choice the guards have given up and she has to find the murder before he strikes again...and the clock is ticking. Will Fluttershy be able to find a way to make this Draconequus work with her, Solve the case, and maybe in the process break his walls down or will she give up leaving both the case and this Draconequus cold.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

Why did you randomly capitalize letters in the synopsis?

Comment posted by SunsetJewel deleted Nov 19th, 2014

Just so you know, It will be a lot easier to read if you punctuate dialogue. :twilightsheepish::pinkiehappy:

You really, desperately need to proofread this. Punctuation and capitalization need to be fixed, you need to add in quotation marks when a character is speaking, etc.

Example:

She gently opened the door to the cab with her free hoof and gently put rainbow dash in the far side of the Taxi before siting down next to her and shutting the door quickly so that no more cold air could get in.
Fluttershy let Rainbow dash get comfy on her shoulder before talking to the stallion driving the cab. U-Um Ponyville please she whispered to the stallion.
You Got it the stallion said with a smile and started the cab.
Fluttershy sighed and leaned back against the leather seat of the taxi glaceing at rainbow dash frowning slightly before looking out The Taxi window watching houses go by.
Y-You really need to stop drinking so much Rainbow dash Fluttershy whispered mostly to herself.
I Know she heard a glum voice say.

Fixed:

She gently opened the door to the cab with her free hoof and gently* put Rainbow Dash in the far side of the taxi before sitting down next to her, and shutting the door quickly so that no more cold air could get in. Fluttershy She let Rainbow Dash get comfy on her shoulder before talking to the stallion driving the cab. "U-um . . . Ponyville, please," she whispered to the stallion.

"You got it," the stallion said with a smile, and started the cab.

**Fluttershy sighed and leaned back against the leather seat of the taxi. She glanced at Rainbow Dash, frowning slightly, before looking out (of) the taxi window watching houses go by. "Y-you really need to stop drinking so much, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy whispered, mostly to herself.

"I know," she heard a glum voice say.


* don't use "gently" twice in the same sentence
**The verb voice gets very strange here.

That just fixes the cosmetic issues. There are some other things to work on, but if the spelling, punctuation, and grammar isn't clean, fewer people will have respect for the rest of your story. They will look at your comment that this is your first fanfic, and they may even feel insulted, thinking that you did not put in enough effort to make sure that it was as good as you could possibly make it before submitting it. I'm just letting you know that this is how some people react so that you're prepared.

I'd suggest tidying up whatever you can ASAP, and in the meantime, if you get a negative comment, for heaven's sake don't delete it. It's considered impolite and makes people mad.

Oh Um actually the comment deleted was my own I wont delete other people's just cause they don't like my story and I'm sorry for any mistakes that may make my story Not very good Ill do my best to work on it and future chapters

I do like the story, it's just hard to follow without punctuation.:pinkiehappy: Especially if this is your first fanfic.:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2:

Hang in there. The plot looks as though it might be interesting. You will have to teach yourself how to edit, and I suggest waiting until you have looked over everything and made sure it was ok before you publish.

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