The Cakes move cross-country to franchise Sugarcube Corner in Tall Tale. Teenage Pound and Pumpkin's new school is full of bullies, their new city is full of crime, and oh yeah, they've also discovered a changeling conspiracy to enslave ponykind. The changelings are much craftier now than when they mysteriously vanished sixteen years ago. They can now copy ponies' very memory and behavior, and they've infiltrated every major Equestrian institution. Anypony could be a secret changeling, so Pound and Pumpkin can't trust the police, princesses, or even their own parents. They must stop the threat alone.
Cover art by DigitalDreama! Editing by TheAspiringWriter93. Story is not a crossover, but makes homages to 1990's entertainment. Story does NOT contain PoundxPumpkin shipping. Rated teen for violence and occasional death.
-What is the Don planning? From the story synopsis it might be apparent, but given what Pound and Pumpkin Cake heard and what they know, what would it sound like to them? To them, would it sound like just a mob scheme to kidnap a famous hoofball quarterback for a huge ransom, and try to keep it hush hush from the public, or would it sound like something far more sinister?
Well, he did say "the drones." That and his joke about love are kind of a hint. Pumpkin is pretty smart, but no one has heard from the changlings in forever. I'm going to say on balance they don't suspect changlings. They're probably confused, maybe they think a hoofball star, even an imposter, would help the mob fix matches for gambling money?
-How else could you kill someone with magic, that Finder Frank and Pumpkin Cake didn't mention? Is it fair that Puddinghead High School gives extra scrutiny to unicorns and potential abuse on their part, but not to earth ponies, pegasi, and zebras who don't have to surrender anything to come to school?
I'm mixed on this. In the close quarters of high school hallways, earth ponies would have the advantage in a fight, one quick blow could disable a horn, and then they'd beat the crap out of anyone else. That said, unicorns have the ability to attack others and get away with it a lot better than other races, for all the reasons Frank listed. Zebras do have to surrender their magic, its looks like Finder Frank is searching them for potions. The fair solution would be for the magic device to wrap pegasi wings and earth pony hooves in a similar binding spell. I bet Starlight would love to design the device!
-I tend to break with the consensus of other MLP fanfic writers on this site. Ponyville's innocence and relative tranquility, rather than reflecting on the peaceful state of Equestria as a whole, reflects simply its status as a small town, and the inner cities of Equestria seem to have just as many problems as the inner cities of America. Maybe that's a darker interpretation, but... that's why I have a dark tag
I kind of agree with the consensus, but you do have a dark tag, and fair is fair. That said, between the dark state of Tall Tale, the advanced changling powers, the rise and fall of the Equal Empire, and it being set in the future... I would think an alternative universe tag would fit well on this story.
Anyway, this is an exciting start, glad to see there will be more humor in this story. I definitely ship PumpkinXZeke. I would love to see a Fresh Of the Boat Griffon in Tall Tale adjusting to not being able to eat sapients. Carrot and Cup should really have gotten a business consultant to advice them on their plans, like Rarity did. (How great would Sassy Saddles have done in Mareicopa?) Also, I know this has a dark tag, but please, PLEASE don't replace Cup and Carrot with changlings. You killed them off last time, let them stick around!
6468148 Chapter 2 will show us what the twins' reactions are, and yours is a good guess. All I will say is that they will have differing opinions as to what it was that they heard, and what it meant. You can already see sort of a Mulder/Scully dynamic between them, minus the UST since, well, they're siblings and this isn't that kind of Cake twins story.
Thanks for bringing that up about the zebras and potions, I actually forgot about that when I was phrasing the question. You're absolutely correct that Finder Frank frisking them would prevent them from bringing potions or potion ingredients with them to class. I will have to exclude the word "zebra" from the question. I am sure that Glimmer or one of the Stalliongrad oligarchs would appreciate the business of designing these devices. If the collapse of the Soviet Union is anything to go by, the former Equal Empire's economy is probably in the toilet.
The AU tag is warranted, and has been added per your recommendation. You might have guessed the following by now, as there are many clues, but I will still spoiler it because it does contain hints as to future plotline ideas for the Cake Chronicles. This story is based on the 1990's in culture, slang, politics, economics, and technology levels. I justify this with the idea that in the show, we see see some technology that wasn't invented or in widespread use until the mid 1970's, like arcade games or barcodes on Rarity's fashion magazines. Add 16 years to the show and you would get roughly the early 90's technology levels. As the city of Tall Tale is loosely based on Seattle in the story, I have a few plot lines planned related to local developments in that city that occurred during the 1990's. Think grunge, the rise of Starbucks and Microsoft, and the "battle of Seattle." I might even work in a Frasier reference or two.
A griffon fresh off the boat story is a great idea. I think I might make her a young griffon sixteen years old, so that people can ship her and Pound like you're shipping Zumpkin (Peke?)
The griffon and Zeke can have some interesting friction between them when they first meet. Of course, if I use this idea in the story, I'll be sure to give you credit for it in the author's notes 
I won't give any spoilers regarding Mr. and Mrs. Cake, but just keep in mind that this story is less dark than BAS, and I did put their character tags on this story for a reason...
On your comments on BAS, you mentioned attack platypuses having the ability to sniff out changelings. Now due to how oddly specific you were, I will reveal to you that is actually pretty close to a future plotline that I already had planned. Talk about a lucky guess on your part! This is a minor spoiler, but I will reveal that everyone's favorite Oatsie teleportation master Walkabout will be in the story, and his occupation will be "bunyip rancher." Bunyips are mythical outback creatures, sort of like Aussie bigfoot. Even though they're highly dangerous and carnivorous, as with all dangerous creatures like crocodiles, platupy, and tasmaneian devils, Walkabout loves 'em. He teleports all around the world, traveling to observe dangerous creatures in their natural habitat (Walkabout's teleportation spell is still legal in the Oatstralia portrayed in the Cake Chronicles). Think of the Walkabout of the Cake Chronicles as sort of like Steve Irwin, best known for the 1997 TV show, the Crocodile Hunter. Think of bunyips as nature's top predators, unchanged and unevolved for millions of years. They will indeed be able to sniff out changelings.
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback and ideas for this new story! I hope that, due to its light-hearted, comedic nature, it will gain a bit more popularity than Brother Against Sister did.
Reposting because spoilers didn't work for some reason.
6468559 The sad fact is, I've seen a fair amount of them, so you do need to state that there will be no PoundXPumpkin in this story (thank god!).
The Equal Empire shouldn't be the focus of the story, but I do hope we hear a bit more about them. Did the overextend themselves trying to conquer Yayakistan? Speaking of yaks, is there a refugee comedian named Yakkov-something with that classic joke
"In Equestria, you get your cutie mark. In Equalest Empire cutie mark gets you!
Ok, that news excites me. The 90s is the most hilariously mockable decade ever. Oh shoot, Cup Cake and Carrot Cake are going to start serving overpriced coffee in their franchises, aren't they? Aww yeah, looks like things are finally looking up for the Cakes!
I kind of assume that the minatours are the inventors of technology, and the sell it to Equestria in exchange for surplus food stuffs (bless those earth ponies). It's how Equestria can have such a schizophrenic level of technology, they have great health care tech because Celestia would make that top priority, but no phone lines because it's hard to import that kind of infrastructure, plus Celestia wouldn't want to put pegasi couriers out of business. Of course, 16 years later is when the minatours could have invented it or Equestria just started buying it, so its kind of a moot point.
Please, PLEASE do some Frasier, that's my favorite sitcom of all time! Not sure if pegasi or griffon, but either way "crane" is a good Equestrian name. And a crude Diamond Dog co-worker named Bull Dog! Actually, this could make a lot of sense. Changlings are looking to infiltrate high society and replace popular media figures, right? What minor celebrity is always trying to get in good with Seattle high society?
I loved Pound trying to get a chick, I just wanted to see a griffon absent-mindedly cover Zeke in tartar sauce, that sounds even better!
That is a huge coincidence indeed. I just thought "trained attack platypus" sounded like the funniest thing ever, and I was really sad we only got them in the 2nd to last chapter. Great to hear our favorite Oatsie will be back. "you call that a horn? this is a horn.
6468674 Hmm, I guess I could put a little note in the description that the story will contain no PoundxPumpkin. I didn't have that description in BAS, but for a story literally called "Brother Against Sister," I guess I didn't need it then, lol
Those are all great ideas, and yeah there might be a mention of Yakyakistan occupation. Trying to tell those guys what to do is going to go badly.
Well, let me put it this way. I'm sure that the Cakes did their research before picking Tall Tale. If they wanted to charge five bits for a cup of coffee, I'm sure they'd be able to, if the economy and tech boom goes as well for that city as it did for Seattle in real life. Starbuck's didn't get its start there by accident; the city had a booming economy that could justify $5 coffees. Neither did grunge get its start in Seattle by accident, as it can be a very depressing city where it rains all the time and you can hardly ever see the sun.
As for 90's references, I already referenced Seinfeld when the characters talk about gay people, and always feel the need to qualify their statements with, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Notice the twins do the same thing when talking about the "gay mafia."
Huh, I've always assumed that the minotaurs are a really uncommon race, akin to dragons in number. If there were anyone developing Equestria's technolgy, I would think it would be the unicorns (since a lot of magitech has been seen or mentioned). I tend not to get into how technology is invented unless it's relevant to the plot, such as the dragonfire and changeling bombs in BAS. (BTW I do plan on responding to yours and others' comments on the story pretty soon, I've been a bit busy today and could only get to the Changeling Chronicles comments for now).
Glad I'm not the only fan of Frasier! Have you read my story, My Little Frasier, by any chance? That story takes place in Canterlot but I could easily switch it to Tall Tale for the Cake Chronicles if I wanted to, lol.
Among the story ideas that I have planned for the Cake Chronicles Oatstralia, these include a Mad Max type storyline. Mind you, the first Mad Max movie, where he's part of the Main Force Patrol. Unlike the others, that movie wasn't very clearly post-apocalypse and could've just as easily taken place in real life. The opening title card merely said "A Few Years From Now..." with no other explanation. I'm also planning a Rescuers Down Under type storyline where the twins get recruited to rescue a kidnapped Dreamtime from a poacher, who as a hunter of rare creatures is Walkabout's mortal enemy.
6468704 Hmm, I could see the spoilers just fine the first time. Please see my response in the post below this one.
6468783 ............................... Godamnit, now I keep thinking of the title as "Brother up against sister." Why did you put this idea in my head?!?
The Cakes did not seem extremely prepared for Tall Tale, they came off as just optimistic and kind of winging it. Carrot didn't even realize there was a mafia in the area he bought into. It can work just fine for the story, but if you wnt everyone to think the Cakes did their research ahead of time, you may want Carrot to sound a little less naive.
I guessed minotaur because so many things in Equestria are built to work with hands, scissors, doorknobs, dials, etc. Minotaurs don't bother customizing them for ponies when they export. I also rely on comics as secondary canon, and in there, they show a group of minotaurs with some ponies with extremely advanced construction equipment, and they also have Iron Will describe living in a school district where his son attends school.
If a pony race was going to be the inventor, I would guess earth ponies. I get that unicorns could get more fine detail for personal electronics, and their horns could be a power source, but I could see earth ponies needing technology more. "Necessity is the mother of invention." How many tools have we seen earth ponies use that unicorns could just use their TK for? Twilight Sparkle is the most brilliant unicorn around. What does she do? Invent new spells. What would she do if she was an earth pony? The same thing human Twilight Sparkle does, invent new technology. I bet the earth pony Starswirl the Bearded would have left hundreds of inventions for future generations, rather than spells. The main reason I think earth ponies are most of the engineers though, is the cities. Canterlot has no factories, it looks untouched by time. Sure, I bet they have strict period zoning or something, but I can't imagine them building factories on top of a mountain with no reliable transportation. On the other hand, look at Manehatten. Mostly earth pony, and the technology level in that city looks to be about 100 years ahead of Canterlot. The trains certainly aren't being built in Canterlot, they're being built in either Manehatten or one of the other big coastal cities (which may well be earth pony). There are some unicorns in Manehatten, and they could be engineers as well as casting the enchantments on magitech, but its the earth ponies who live in Equestria's main "tech cluster."
Of course I read it, I read it years ago when it came out! Good times.
I think in Mad Max 1 there was no nuclear war, but the world ran out of oil, or maybe there was a war and nobody targeted Australia. Good to see Walkabout having a juicy part. I just realized something awesome about platypuses: Anyone who sees one and hasn't learned about them ahead of time is going to freak out. After all, they look like clear proof that Discord is on the loose again, warping ponies into ridiculous monsters!
6468945 Sorry for that idea
Carrot is mostly responsible for the baking and coming up with new recipies, and is the culinary visionary, while Cup runs the business side of things such as accounting and financing. She came up with the market research and picked Tall Tale, and presumably knew about the mob, which is why she whispered it in Carrot's ear.
"Hey, remember that mafia I told you about? This is them!"
I could stand to have Cup make a better case to her daughter for why she picked Tall Tale though, and that will be added in per your suggestion. Thanks!
The tech designed for minotaur hands is an interesting point. If the comic says something, then it is probably pretty close to canon. There are definitely a lot more engineers and manufacturing in Manehattan than Canterlot. But I still think it is a majority unicorns doing that sort of work. Only earth ponies farm, and only pegasi make the weather, so what does that leave the unicorns do? Design stuff, or build stuff that earth ponies designed. Or run banks and businesses, which is why a lot of Canterlot's nobility is unicorns. I don't think there were more than a few earth ponies buying dresses from Rarity in Canterlot. A lot of unicorns might also be doctors like Stable in Ponyville, or there might even be a few magic healers as talented as Pumpkin in BAS.
The running out of oil theory is supported by Fury Road's exposition, but it wouldn't explain why they still have gasoline in Mad Max 1. The nuclear war theory works except that there should be a lot more snow from the nuclear winter. A conventional war theory is out, because Australia would be one of the first places China or Russia would invade, due to its abundant natural resources. The ANZUS treaty would likely be invoked. (If you think about it, the ANZUS treaty benefits the A and the NZ a lot more than it benefits the US. The US could hold off a land or sea invasion by pretty much anyone for years and never need to invoke the treaty, but if China went after Australia they'd call us up the next day because their military and navy is relatively small compared to China's.)
Lol I should have someone mention Discord if they see a platypus.
6469081 That split of the Cakes makes the whole thing make more sense, If Cup is the business sense and Carrot is the artiste.
Ok, this is going to be an essay, but here goes:
I always figured in the founding days of Equestria, Pegasi formed pretty much the whole military, unicorns ran the government, and earth ponies ran the private sector. That's why Canterlot is like Washington DC, think tanks and government, but the only industry is luxuries catering to noble bureaucrats, while the major trade, manufacturing and population centers on the east coast like Manehatten and Baltimare are primarily earth pony cities. Of course, peaceful equestria didn't need a huge army, so that got downsized a lot, but Celestia didn't think mass Pegasi unemployment was very harmonious, so the Weather Corporation was created, in large part to create work for Pegasi and prevent Cloudsdale from going bankrupt. I suspect that a lot of why Equestria has such tightly controlled weather isn't because it's more efficient for farming than irrigation, it's because nobody wants to fire all those Pegasi.
Even though the earth ponies were at the bottom, they still had power because of a monopoly on food production. Because of that earth ponies were the merchants, with the largest land owners starting to distribute food and expanding into distributing and then producing everything else. That's one of those things that starts as not a big difference (both peasants and merchants are below the military and the nobility) but changes over time.
Merchants heading into an industrial revolution are going to become the wealthiest, especially if Celestia won't let the unicorn nobles rent-seak. I would say earth ponies at this point have actually surpassed the unicorns as the wealthiest tribe, and may already be more influential. Virtually all the ponies we see who are wealthy private sector ponies seem to be earth ponies, even in Canterlot the main private business (the fashion industry) is run by earth ponies, the farmers with big farms, Filthy Rich, those wealthy ponies in Manehatten, etc. I suspect most of the wealthy unicorns we see are nobles.
I think the key difference is earth ponies have a classic American-style view of capitalism and enterprise, while unicorns have a more classic European view towards careers. Earth ponies dream of running their farm, or building their business, while unicorns dream of working in government, especially if they are in the nobility (which I think at this point Celestia has basically molded into the top of the bureaucracy), otherwise they dream of being an academic (Twilight) or an artist (Rarity), the kinds of jobs that a Kennedy or a Roosevelt would not be embarrassed to hold. Of course, bureaucrats, professors and most artists don't make nearly as much money as the owners of large farms, businesses, the rail roads, etc.
Sure you have ponies like Blueblood and Fancy Pants, who live off the interest of amassed wealth as nobles, but if you made a list of the 50 wealthiest ponies in Equestria, I think you would have Blueblood, Fancy Pants, the 2 Senior Most Pegasi executives in the Weather Corporation, and 40-45 earth ponies. I wouldn't be surprised if Diamond Tiara marries a unicorn noble whose family fell on hard times, similarly to the way American heiresses married British nobility in the late 19th century.
I put this in a seperate post so you wouldn't have to search below that monster. I saw Mad Max 1 15 years ago, you may well be right. But I'm pretty sure we have. Australia in our treaty for the same reason they might be invaded: they have great natural resources, including rare earths and stuff we used to build our nuclear weapons in the first place.
It is nice to see a fan fiction about a grown version of the baby cakes. The premise is definitely interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing what you will come up with in future chapters.
I think that this fan fiction might actually benefit from becoming a crossover with Gravity Falls (not so much in Pound and Pumpkin meeting Gravity Falls characters, but this fan fiction following a similar premise of the Gravity Falls show).
What I mean is that when I started reading this I got a very Gravity Falls like vibe from it. But it shies away from this in some aspects, perhaps maybe to separate it?
But this is fan fiction and you can do pretty much anything you want. :P
So if you set it up as them discovering small mysteries that uncover a larger conspiracy (similar to Gravity Falls, but of course in your own way) I think that the fan fiction might take a very interesting turn.
6483235 Glad I'm not the only one who's a fan of the Cake twins being in actual stories.
I haven't seen Gravity Falls, though I have been meaning to watch it.
I actually plan to have the twins slowly uncover various parts of the conspiracy as time goes on. Only much later in the story do they realize the full extent of the changelings' plans. Ever seen the X-Files? It will be a bit like that kind of story arc...
This story is also totally a 'crossover' with the 1990's, and contains a lot of references to 90's tech, culture, entertainment, etc.
6483253 You should watch some episodes of Gravity Falls. You might get some good ideas for the twins, since the main characters of Gravity Falls are also a male/ female twin pair.
I like the idea of the X Files influence though. I grew up in the 90s so I could spot all of the references right away.
Another great mystery/ conspiracy show I loved watching was Fringe.
6491262 Thanks for your kind words
I do plan on some of the characters at the school being semi-regulars in the story, so I think I will leave their names for now. Not positive that all of them will appear again, but I think it's better to name them than to use a lot of pronouns and have everyone wonder who I'm talking about
Pinkie Pie stayed behind to operate Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville. As the Cakes are trying to franchise their business, they sold the Ponyville location to her. It has been sixteen years since the time of the show, so Pinkie is by now an adult and living by herself there.
The two grammar/usage errors you pointed out will be fixed in the final draft before the story is published.
Thanks again!
This review is brought to you by the group: Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: The Cake Chronicles
Grammar Score out of 10: 9.5 (Really didn't see anything that stuck out as wrong or interrupted the flow of the story.)
Pros:
1) The Twins - The main characters have to feel important to the reader for their story to matter, and this story does a great job of making the Cake Twins feel like fleshed out characters. The twins are characters that are pretty much blank slates, allowing the author freedom to develop them for what the story needs. There's a lot of little details here that develop the twins, such as asides about Pumpkin's magic, and Pound's skills as a pegasus. They most certainly are not boring to read about.
2) The Atmosphere - It becomes apparent almost right away what kind of setting this story takes place in. There's some good examples of show versus tell, details that attract the senses and help visualize what the twins are seeing, and feeling as a result of what and who are around them. This is very much a hero versus environment kind of story, and the setting is pretty visceral.
3) The Pacing - For being a long chapter, it doesn't feel like it takes forever to get through this chapter. As I read it, I had to pause in reading through out the day due to work, but I found myself wanting to read more, to pick up where I left off and find out what was going to happen next. That's a great thing for any story, and it's a skill of a good writer who knows how to craft a thoughtful story, giving it the time it needs to breathe and grow.
Cons:
1) The Length - While the pacing of this story is very good, this chapter honestly could have been shorter. It certainly feels like at the end of the school day for the twins, the chapter could have ended, with the next chapter taking place when they arrived home. It's a small con, long chapters are generally harder to deal with just based on their length. But again, it's a small con, and thankfully the pacing makes it workable.
2) The Setting - This may be a personal preference on my part, but it does feel as if the author beats it over the readers head that the setting is bad. It becomes a bit of hyperbole, hearing how bad everything is, how ugly and rough and dangerous the setting is. Some of it just feels super over the top that made me go, more than once, "Really now?" We get it, its a ghetto.
3) OCs - OCs are generally hard to work with, more so when they are not the main characters to be fleshed out and put in the spotlight. Right now some characters feel like stereotypes, which makes them a little annoying to read about. This is another minor con, as this story is still new and just starting out. There is room for characters to grow and mature.
Notes Section: I'm still a little on the fence about this story, but it feels like it has the potential to become something very enjoyable. The Twins are really fun, and there is no denying that as I was reading this, I was interested to know what would happen next. If you're a fan of the Cake Twins, this story will be enjoyable. If you haven't read something with the twins before, this is a good story to give a chance to. The Cake Chronicles has a lot of potential and is worth investing time into reading.
This is different. Centered around a teenage group and the zebra.
Someone called me a geek! I'm MFing Zeke!
40.media.tumblr.com/fda06431720046b611e3baeb5756164e/tumblr_inline_nu3v52xbpw1tyoc9j_540.jpg
A new adventure story starring the Cake twins? You have my attention, so I'll track this to see where it goes from here.
6513471 Thanks, I hope you enjoy it
6513479 You're welcome! I've been enjoying it so far and I'll definitely keep on reading.
That's not a school 0_o that's a freaking prison. Same with the "city".
All the same, curiosity has been piqued. Nice
Hmm... not everyday you see a fanfic that is centered on the Cake twins. I'm hoping this story turns out for the best.
I admit that I'm probably not going to read this one (or if I do, not for a while), if only because I'm not in much of a mood for Cake Twins fics at the moment.
But I will say this: I find it really funny that you've explicitly ruled out having anything resembling Cakecest. It is really so common among Cake Twin stories that you felt you had to specify that? And can we take the lack of such a warning in Brother Against Sister as implication that there was a secret undercurrent of disturbing incestuous lust, despite none of the actual story content even beginning to suggest it?
6520879 Cakecest is one of the most common storylines featuring the twins. These are the most viewed stories about the twins. Probably 90% of them are clop. I honestly have no idea why.
Brother Against Sister didn't have any sort of hidden undercurrent. The story lacked the warning because I didn't think that a story whose premise explicitly stated that the twins were fighting each other in a war would have needed it.
Note: This review seeks to emulate the style of one Yahtzee Croshaw of the excellent ‘Zero Punctuation’ series, and, as such, employs crude humor and ridiculous analogies. Despite all points (hopefully) being valid and well thought out, the nature in which they are conveyed is meant to be helpful but entertaining, not malicious. I hurt you because I love you. If anything in this review offends or triggers you, feel free to send a formal complaint to my PR email account ‘idontgiveashitwhatyouthink@yahoo.com’.
Oh, and also Authors Helping Authors merits mention. Ol’ Carty was kind enough to review a story of mine, and thus I shall return the favor. And hopefully make him cry. Mwahaha! If you'd like a similar review plastered all over your story, read one of mine there. Bitch.
Story time, kitties: Way back in the Pliocene, yours truly joined a little group called ‘Zero Punctuation Reviews’ where I happily churned out mean little critiques for people’s silly little stories. Then, when the Pleistocene rolled around I kinda stopped, due to a mix of boredom, growing disinterest, real life deciding to begin butt-fucking me with a rake for a few months and the fact that reading insipid My Little Pony fanfiction week to week was vexing me to the point that not even the strangling murders could bring back the joy in my heart.
However, it wasn’t all bad, for, during the Miocene, I reviewed a story called ‘Brother Against Sister’ by none other than CartsBeforeHorses, who, I must point out, is probably the nicest person on the internet ever. So nice, in fact, that I was aghast at how mean I was in my ‘Brother Against Sister’ review. “How could I have every been so cruel to someone who doesn’t really deserve it,” thought I, “I don’t know what could have led me to such an awful pass.” Then I read ‘The Cake Chronicles’ for about 15 minutes and said, “Oh yeah, that’s why.”
So, let’s make this like the Biblical Apocalypse and split it up into 7 parts.
Part I: Pestilence
If you’re anything like me, then as you begin to read “The Cake Chronicles” a million little annoyances begin to crawl up your spine and sing Lana Del Rey songs en mass in your ear. If the story was meant to be a spiritual successor to “Brother Against Sister” then I’d believe it because, just like dear old Daddy, it has a lot of trouble with tone. Tone is very important, you see, as it is what invites a reader into a story, gets them settled and makes them subconsciously more susceptible to the emotions the story wishes to convey. And I only became aware that “The Smack-Daddy Chronicles” was meant to be a comedy once I saw the ‘Comedy’ tag (AFTER I’d read the whole thing). So it’s safe to say that “The Baked Bionicles” is not funny at all - no laughter, no fun, no happiness.
You see, the key to all humor is an exaggeration juxtaposed against the mundane, usually to point out how ridiculous an aspect of the mundane is. The problem with the story’s attempt at humor is that it’s all exaggeration all the time with no mundane to juxtapose or comment on. The destitute nature of the city is exaggerated, the school’s misguided attempts at safety are exaggerated, student apathy is exaggerated, police corruption and incompetence is exaggerated AND gang/mob (there IS a difference, you know) violence/influence/student count/karma-houdini powers is exaggerated. This is way to much for even a competently humorous story WITH a mundane to handle, and it just makes the settling and characters irrational. That is a problem when your entire reader based is made up of rational beings.
Part II: War
Conflict is the fuel that keeps the story train going and, coincidentally also the interest train. And while there is tangible conflict in “Cake Chronicles”, the story, as you’ll remember, takes place in wacko bizarro world, which has finished buttfucking the tone and has now moved on to buttfucking the conflict. You see, what makes a conflict really work is if it produces or carries the very real potential to produce serious and dire consequences for sympathetic and realistic characters. The only consequence we see is a cake shop getting smashed up, and since the characters that mainly affects (being Mr. and Mrs. Cake) proceeded that scene by placidly dismissing their children’s concerns that they attend a school where (we are told) almost every student is in some kind of street gang and have also moved into a city that is the Detroit to Detroit what Detroit is to every other city in a universe where there is magic and everything is nice and sugar pops to start up a cake shop. A cake shop. In a city that is only shown to be a crime infested slum. A cake shop. I’m supposed to feel sorry for these characters. It’s like asking me to feel sorry for a man who desperately wants have children but can’t because he just finished searing his balls off with a clothes iron.
The story description, which I’ll remind you I read after reading the whole story because I try to go into stories without any preconceived notions or expectations, hints at some kind changeling-centered conflict but I suspect CartyHorse might’ve been thinking of another story because the presence of changelings is by no means mentioned or foreshadowed in anyway. Either a few more concrete clues that a changeling whatever is on the horizon or I was too busy staring out my bedroom window watching construction workers fill a pot hole in a desperate attempt to feel entertained to notice.
Oh, and you need to pick whether or not the acting antagonists are a gang or the mob. The two act very differently. The mob forms out of a closely related group of individuals that, at least on the surface, aim to act like a legitimate mainstream business that just so happens to peddle something illegal like alcohol (during the prohibition), gambling or prostitution. Any violence was usually geared more towards the right to certain products, the same way a corporation would use the legal system. Coca-cola would sue the shit out of you if you were selling their product without their permission and the mafia would send some thugs to kick the shit out of you since they couldn’t use the legal system. The mafia system fell apart in the late 1940’s, early 1950’s (in America, at least) because of the massive demand for narcotics and the mafia families essentially cannibalized themselves for the right to sell the drugs. This is what Don Corleone is lamenting in the Godfather.
Street gangs, however, pop up in “underdeveloped areas” - which is white people speak for where underprivileged minority races ended up after all the institutionalized racism denied them social progression opportunities, it’s just that now we’re too busy blowing up brown people in other countries to try and patch things up with people here, grrr, grrr social commentary. Street gang violence usually has to do with strict territoriality and a cultural mistrust of authority - since if you were black in the 1800’s (or early 1900’s) and you so much as looked at a white woman too long, white people would hang you from a tree and the police would much look the other way. They have to look out for each other because the police aren’t going to do it, so if you mess with one you mess with all and also let’s sell drugs for lots of money!!!
So the mafia is more like, “We have to sell the thing… oh, and let’s look after each other,” while gangs are more, “We have to look after each other… oh, and let’s sell the thing.” and deciding whether or not Tall Tale has gangs or the mafia in it will give the city more of a cultural personality rather than just being a giant blank blob for the plot to take in. Y’know, if you ever want to do some world building. Or give the setting some kind of weight that colors the story. Because right now, it’s…
Part III: Famine
In my personal opinion, which personally I respect, “Chase Chonicles” feels lacking in detail. The majority of the story is told in dialogue - which is at least functional, if you’re into that sort of thing - but everything else feels hungry to be fleshed out. And by hungry, I mean it’s like an adorable puppy starving to death in a shed filled with very, very sharp landscaping equipment. There’s no meaty imagery or really any examples of phrasing that carry a sense of sensational weight or world building. The story takes place on a stage will no established perceptive context or understanding.
It’d be easy to say that this lack of detail is meant to be filled by the reader’s imagination, but I’m not one for the easy approach. Oh no. I slave away at things for four long weeks before I fall into an alcohol-induced coma and vomit all over myself. The problem with leaving out detail for the reader to just fill in themselves is that the imagination is fickle and capricious thing and works best with clear perimeters. A story should give the reader enough sensational context that what they imagine serves the story, and this is usually done through a mix of imagery and tone.
And, as established earlier, tone is fucked right up the butthole, so losing firm context along with it is probably the worst thing that could’ve happened to the story presentationally. It be like having half your house burn to the ground while the other half disintegrates in acid mere minutes before guests arrive. So, with the delicious cakes of first impressions, tone, details and narrative weight all slipped from the chef’s pan and splattered on the porcelain floor, surely good characters can swoop in and save this wedding, right? Well…
Part IV: Death
For those of you unaware, I’m always a slut for good characters. A handful of good characters can save an underperforming story from the the vast, destitute ocean of shittiness, á la Final Fantasy VIII OR it can be a bullet right between the eyes of a good concept, á la The Purge. So where does “Smack Rat Pack” lie? Well, in case you’ve gone into a chemical-induce coma and forgot everything up to this point, the concept of this story did not put a chubby in my cubby to begin with, so having bad characters blows a huge whole in the bottom of an already sinking boat.
The big fat problem with all the characters, the twins especially, is that they are just archetypes. Now there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with archetypes, it’s just that they work best as a foundation for further traits and character development. “Crunk Curnicles” gets as far as the first step, but fails in the second. Rather than being big beautiful house complete with windows, furniture and plumbing, the characters are all just vaguely-house-shaped bits of wood sticking out of the ground with nary a door frame nor a bit of dry wall between them.
Pound Cake has the Slightly-Athletic Slacker archetype, which is just the Jock archetype with all the asshole cut out. Pumpkin is your Smart Girl being clever, studious and socially incompetent, which, again, is just a more balanced out Nerd archetype. She’s also the only character to get something that even resembles a character trait, seeing as she’s pretty racist, which isn’t really a point in her favor. Zeke the zebra geek gets a special mention since he’s the only other character that gets to be in more than two scenes, which I guess makes him the tritagonist. Those among you with fancy college degrees and crippling student debt may have deduced from earlier context that Zeke is in fact Nerd classic. He has glasses, no friends, is picked on by every other student, every single word that comes out of his mouth makes you want to punch him in the fucking face and he’s the leader of the chess club because of course he fucking is.
Every character has to want something that’s unique to them, even if its just a glass of orange juice and a scented bath. What they want and just how they’re prepared to go about getting it sets a lot of the groundwork for their respective character arcs and serve as the hefty potato side dish to the delicious baked chicken entree of the plot (aka Cake Shop McGang’emUp). And since the chicken was under-cooked and had no spice or kick to it, some cold potato’s plopped down on my plate is making this lovely family dinner even worse! None of these characters really want anything… except not getting hurt and not seeing things they like get hurt, I suppose. But I could say the same thing about a gerbil, and gerbils aren’t really regarded as engaging, memorable characters with emotion depth and human complexity.
Another place these characters fail miserably is in their ability to respond to the world. Since this story does take place in bizarro world where people go to bed on the floor at sunrise and there’s nothing grounded in reality, the characters can’t respond the setting in any way that’s believable or fleshes them out without totally destroying the entire narrative. Q.E.D.:
“Hey,” says Mr. Cake, “Let’s sell our successful cake shop in order to franchise our successful cake shop that we’d have just sold! Oh, and let’s start up our first venture into franchising by opening a shop in a city that is literally more hellish than the city of Dis… which is literally in Hell!”
“That sounds like a terrible idea,” says Mrs. Cake, thinking realistically, “Why wouldn’t we open up our first franchising venture in Canterlot or Cloudsdale or any other city that’s not that one? Also why would start a cake shop franchise by selling our first cake shop? Don’t all the restaurants have to be owned by the same family or corporation to be a franchise? Aren’t we just selling a successful shop we poured blood sweat and tears into just to take a massive gamble in hoping that same lightning strikes twice but in a much shittier neighborhood?”
—OR—
“Hey Mom,” said Pound or Pumpkin Cake, there’s really not much of a difference,” Our high school is literally all the worst parts of what underpaid, overworked sitcom script writers that wouldn’t understand contemporary culture or modern teenagers if they were gangbanged but the previous think that high school is like. Every other student is in a gang and we were threatened physically.”
“Holy fucking shit, did you not do any goddamn research on the neighborhood or school district, Mr. Cake,” shouted Mrs. Cake, slamming her hoof into the table, “Honey, you are never going to go to that school again. We’re going to cut our losses and move back to SensibleVille this very instant.”
—OR—
“Hey cop,” said Mr. Cake, “Check out all this property damage that somehow only awoke one member of the family. Said credible family member saw the perpetrators and was physically assaulted by them. Also, I have this surveillance camera footage from this surveillance camera I installed because my brain is located inside of my skull and I realize that commercial avenues are sometimes robbed or attacked or people shoplift or other things that could sensibly happen to a place of business and that having a surveillance camera would make things a million times easier for the authorities.”
“Breaking and entering, thousands of bits of property damage and aggravated assault,” said the police officer as he jotted down notes in his notepad, “These are serious crimes that I would have to take very seriously because I am a police officer and it is my job to take crimes seriously and investigate them. If I don’t do my job, I will be severally punished and in trouble with the law.”
“You’re not going to try and squeeze us for a bribe?” asked Mr. Cake.
“Of course not,” said the police officer, “I’m already being paid to do my job and you only bribe a police officer when you want to him or her to overlook a crime that you committed. You committed no crime, sir, but have had a crime committed on you. If you refused or were unable to pay such a bribe and I responded by not investigating the crime, you could contact my superior and inform him or her that I am not doing my job, for which I would be punished as I stated earlier. To not do so would imply that you are operating on the assumption that the entire police force is as corrupt as hypothetical me and no one has a problem with that, and such an assumption would be ridiculous.”
“It was that gang from school,” said Pound or Pumpkin Cake (the male one, whatever).
“That correlates to all of the other criminal gang activity that we’ve had, seeing as there are other criminals and all of the things that go on in this city don’t just happen specifically to you,” said the police officer, “With this evidence and personal witness testimony, combined with the other gang related criminal activity and evidence that has no doubt occurred and that we have/are investigating because we are police officers and we don’t ask for bribes to investigate crimes because that is ludicrous, we are going to put those gang members away for a long time. We will arrest them soon and they will have a trial that they will surely lose because no lawyer is good enough to make evidence not be real. They could only negotiate a less harsh sentence.”
See? Nothing reasonable like that could happen because then the rest of the story can’t happen. This story, like HorseCarty’s before, puts story before character. So, rather than have the story be driven by the characters and their decisions, the story drags the characters through scenarios it already decided that it wanted. That’s bad because it makes the characters and the scenarios they find themselves in completely ridiculous more often than not.
Part V: The Last Martyrs
Let me pull my head up from the sea of hatred to say that the story is mechanically very sound. With the mistake of one typo (unfoitunate), there are no grammatical or syntax errors that I noticed, commas were used appropriately which makes me very happy and the whole thing does read very well. Okay, back down again…
Part VI: The Great Earthquake
Here’s where we get philosophical, kitties. I’ve shoved a loot of nails into poor “Cake Chronicles” as I’ve crucified it for your amusement, but this is this nail for the coffin. “Cake Chronicles” simply lacks direction. It’s tiny bits of a better story all Frankenstein-ed together into something vaguely tellable. It’s a bunch of smaller plot arcs, each withered and starved for attention and detail, without any sense of a larger, overarching one. It’s a cluster of story elements all held together with no clear sense of structure, purpose, or progression.
It’s like going on a blind date only to find that your partner is an amorphous mass with no skeleton, garbling at you from across the table and choking down expensive wine. Sure, maybe deep down that goopy pile of flesh deserves to be cherished and loved, but not from me. Oh no. I have standards, one of which is having a skeleton. If not being sexually attracted to what is literally a skin blob makes me an asshole, then call me one. I shall trumpet that word from the rooftops! Speaking of trumpets…
Part VII: The Seven Trumpets
If you’re the kind of person that needs to wear a helmet at all times so you don’t accidentally bash your own brains out and cannot intuitively tell whether or not I can recommend “The Cake Smash Twins”, let me be perfectly clear. I can not recommend “Cake Bake Power Hour”. It’s heart’s in the right place, I suppose, but it’s too busy rolling around in the mud and rubbing its whoopsies all over its face. Picture a loser boyfriend slouching irritably on your couch with a guitar in his hand. “Someday, I’m going to write and number one hit then it’ll be you and me, baby, cruisin’ down easy street.” Yes, I’ll never give up hope on you, “Cake Chronicles”. I’m sure someday you will write that hit, but for now your a slob lazily strumming out covers of Led Zeppelin B-sides on my couch and you need to get your fucking act together. And get a job, you lazy sod!
i always hate it when stories die right out the gate...
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I quit the site shortly after writing this, before I re-joined in mid 2017. Right now I have a lot of new stories I'm writing, and this one is on the back-burner. Which is unfortunate because I did put a lot of time into it. Maybe someday...
Sorry about that
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mk!