"When I get old, I am going to be: Rice. Frisco style." - Ed 2004
A quiet evening with Fluttershy turns into a nightmare when Discord finds Eris, his mother, at the front door; asking how his plans of causing chaos and disorder across the land are going.
Needless to say, Discord tries everything in his power to make sure she doesn't know he's reformed.
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Watch. Next chapter she's gonna say she's getting married.
5290323
Nah. It would be something about grandchildren.
Oh this is going to be fun!
In other news, shame on you Fluttershy, you won't let Discord use his powers for himself? I can understand not using it to cause major chaos, but never for his pleasure?
5290384 Perhaps both?
5290451 She'll want to see Discord's Girlfriend!
Poor Discord. However, with Eris as a role model, I can see how Discord turned out the way he is
This going to be interesting xD
This is going to be AMAZING.
'Tis a different twist.
Oh my.
I like where this is going.
I'm pretty sure Discord isn't a dunce when it comes to something so basic like answering somebody at the door. Just saying.
Or watering plants. I'm pretty sure it would be more funny if he made something like this
th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/085/8/3/at___discord_and_audrey_ii_by_marcella_youko-d5zbxak.png
5291385
Of course not! He just wants to act like one. Also, he didn't open the door due to the...
MOM SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All kids have this sense for when their mom drops by impromptu.
Oh dear, this may not end well.....
Canterlot chaos detector division reporting: Catastrofic Omega Death Chaos Massacre INCOMING!
5291385
I'm afraid that I've got to agree.
If I were to highlight one specific problem with this fic it's that your characterization of Discord isn't really right.
For pretty much the entire chapter he seems to be a stuttering fool who can barely string a sentence together or come up with a good lie. I mean come on, this is the guy who managed to manipulate the elements of harmony, stretching their friendship to the breaking point in the process, and who laughed in their faces even when their rainbow of power was coming towards him. Also, I don't know about you but I can't personally think of a single moment in the series where he was lost for words or stuttered.
One other thing is that I kind of feel that his interactions with Fluttershy are a little off, namely that he is a little too touchy feely (namely the hugging) and the use of nicknames.
Furthermore, you didn't really capture any of his chaotic energy, that being how he speaks almost as much with his conjurings, costumes and physical alterations as he does with his voice.
Now granted, an explanation could be that the arival of his mother has thrown him more than anything else that we have ever seen. However, without a better lead in showing him and how he normally acts (in-character) it loses most, if not all, of its impact.
What I would suggest to you is go back and watch some of the episodes that Discord features in and then read through your fic. That should highlight nicely the disonance between your characterisation of Discord and his in-show characterization.
Anyway, if you want me to clarify any of my points or ask me something else then feel free.
Comrade_Pony
Eris probably knows he is reformed and just waiting for him to say so while messing with everyone
5290323 I'll bett 5 bits there gonna say she's pregnant, you up for it?
5292244 People act differently around their parents. Especially if one thought that parent was long dead and suddenly turns up on your friend's doorstep. That'd rattle anyone's cage.
5292482
I agree with you (I acknowledged as much in my previous comment), all I'm basically saying is that this story really needed a longer lead in showing Discord normally to better highlight that fact. As it is without establishing that first Discord just doesn't seem very in-character to me.
5292482
I don't have a problem with his reaction and stuttering. I'm having a problem with how often he's stuttering and how long he draws out the words. You try reading his dialogue and you'll see what he's talking about.
5292503
5292244
5291385
5292550
Alright, I'm gonna be honest,
I haven't watched Dissy act in the show in a long time.
mostly because I haven't had time, with school work, practicing a scrip, (I'm goin' for a theater major)
and most of all, a roommate that is a few feet away,
and at the very moment he turns around, I'll act like Discord on the spot.
'Nother reason why I write this on Gdocs.
And as for the way he acted in this; He knew how to water a plant (just messing around) doors are complicated (He snaps his fingers anywhere, right?)
and as for his mother, I sorta took a scene from GTA5 on how Trevor acted to his mother,
If ya don't know (though some might if they've beaten the game) He goes from complete psychopathic angry guy; to a stammering child who losses all dignity.
The only thing I changed was the way Eris acted (her being nice instead of the complete opposite)
but yeah, even I know he stuttered way too much, I might fix that, actually.
AAAAAAAAAAnd there we go.
5292557
I very much get your reasoning but it doesn't really change my criticisms.
I get that you have real life stuff that makes it difficult to keep up to date with the show. However, I believe quite strongly in the case that for writing (and most other forms of art) that the end product is all that matters. Poor working conditions does not excuse poor work (not that I'm accusing this story of being poor, just needing work. Perhaps characterization is a better fit rather than work in this case).
Furthermore, the fact that you had to explain to me that Discord knew how to water a plant isn't a good thing in terms of story writing.
Also, not to be harsh with this (and this is kind of arguing canon which I don't like to do) but Discord seems pretty, for lack of a better word, whipped in this. I just can't see him stop using his powers for his own sakes because Fluttershy told him to. To me it just sounds like an excuse so that it removes the need for it to be included in the prose.
Tell me, do you have a proof-reader who looks over this stuff for you or do you just publish it straight? To me it seems that you just write it and don't check it out with someone else first to see if there are any elements that they find to be wrong/unrealistic/out of character/etc.
5292632
I've been turned down many times by proof reader's and editors
either due to them having better things to work on, or not wanting to bother.
and I doubt the 8th time will be the charm, and I'd rather not deal.
I understand criticisms;
they're there to help, (or just say how good or how bad something is)
and I understand what you mean on how poorly I wrote his personality.
but it's just a few people saying how they want the story to be correct the way they think it should, then you got others saying different things on what would be better for them to see.
I mean, the author can't have his own rules in how to write a story...right?
The only way to make it good is to follow the correct rules others tell them and listen to them...right? (and I ain't just talking about this story.)
or maybe I'm just looking at this the wrong way.
[story time from Atlas]
One really horrible example that I experienced criticism was from another story I wrote; one user wouldn't stop saying how bad my fic was because it wasn't the way he wanted it to be. Sure, some readers backed me up, saying how he was wrong, but it just...didn't feel right. Like, I could've done better. Worst part is, he liked it in the beginning, then I just..let him down. I don't want to experience that again, but I know it will happen one way or the other. It always does.
Listen, I will try harder in the next chapter,
and if you want to continue this conversation, just PM me,
I, personal, hate constant conversations in comments.
5292557
Even if Discord is afraid of his mother, it's still bad for reading when I have to look at so many of the same letters. It gets irritating to the eyes, and I don't want to have to read Discord's dialogue like that for the next 2 chapters. Either lessen on the stammer-letter count down to 3 instead of 5-6 a's, e's, whatever or don't do it at all. It's Basic Writing 101.
In other words, this
to this
And that goes for ellipsis too.
This is something I didn't know I needed until I found out it existed. Thank you.
MORE! PLEASE MORE!!!!
This is funny. I'm gonna enjoy reading it.
Ooh, this looks interesting!
I've started tracking this story and I might just add it to favorites!
Discord saves Fluttershy's life by saying she is a slervent, and she tells him to tell the truth...
Unless he says he is dating her, (would explain why he isn't destroying the Order of Equestria) I can't see any way for her to survive this visit honestly.
Oh good lord...this is hilarious...
Although I can't help but imagine, at the end of this when Discord finally spills the beans about his reformation, she simply replies..."I know."
And then she says she's glad he's found a friend as good as Fluttershy, if she was willing to go that far in maintaining the deception for his sake.
Then she gives Fluttershy a leash and collar.
Eris: No, he is. He's got to make this all up to you somehow.
damn... harsh mother.
*SQUEAK*
Haha oh god now waiting till somebody post that comics
R.I.P. Fluttershy. She squeaked too hard.
I just want to know why Discord has family he doesn't remember for some reason.
I suspected she did that when squeezed.
This reminded me of many an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog and how he to squeaked upon being grabbed.
It should be au contraire. C'est francais.
Should be in suprise and salad.
GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME I REALLY NEED TO STOP LAUGHING NOW
This is NOT going to end well.
5297194 He could, you know, kill his mother.
I mean, why not? I have a few friends back in the insane asylum who killed theirs. I personally wouldn't do it myself cause' my mom is an amazing and inspirational person whose honor and name I would defend to the last breath, but they seemed okay with it. Maybe it might work for Discord?
Also, I don't remember which insane asylum it was. I think it was Jellystone Park Asylum? I'm not crazy. I am crazy. Hello?
How is Discord squeezing poor Fluttershy, exactly? I just want to be sure that nothing, um, explicit is going on...
Discord is mildly uncharacteristically derpy. Otherwise a super entertaining premise. Looking forward to where this goes.
[squeaking intensifies]
5300978 he just uses a mild pressure to the abdomen, near the *squee* tendon to trigger the proper reflex
5301130 Ah okay. (turns around) Screw you, bro! I told you he wasn't fisting her! You sick little monkey! (turns back to you) thank you very much. Here's some gold coins.
usagold.com/images/usagoldcoins.jpg
5299978
Oh my gosh.