Chapter 5 - The First Signs
There was a scraping sound, and a sudden flare of light and the smell of burnt sulfur. A cheerful young earth pony colt’s face appeared out of the gloom, surrounded by other fillies and colts of various tribes. “ Allo, allo, allo. Wot’ve we got ‘ere then?” The… chief colt... nattered at her with an absurd waggle of his eyebrows. “Buncha classy mares in the wrong part o’ town, seesm t’ me.”
Twilight could not help herself. Today had been far too stressful to deal with this sort of sass without a bit of response. “As opposed to a group of grubby urchins suspiciously following law-abiding citizens around?” she snapped at them, regretting it only when she realized how dreadfully rude she’d come across then.
Before she could rally her wits for a proper apology, the lead colt’s grin just got wider. “Cor, she’s got a mouth on her, she does!” He stamped a hoof, and Twilight took this moment to realize he was actually quite small and skinny for an earth pony foal. “Still, if Baron Goldbutt’s goons are chasin ye I suppose ya can’t be all that bad, even if yer a bit stupid.”
Well now, that was going just a bit too far. “What did you say about me?” Twilight could feel her temper uncoiling, the heat in her chest and the rapid beating of her heart sure signs that she’d finally reached her nonsense limit for the day. She opened her mouth to give a proper tirade to this miserable little urchin. Stupid?! I’ll give this little street rat stupid…
Only to have Rarity stuff a hoof in her mouth and give her such a withering look that she nearly fell backward onto her plot from it. “I say, manners!” Rarity’s tart voice lashed out at him. “That’s no way to speak to a lady of any kind you scamp!” She huffed, her chestfur fluffing up and her voice becoming very cross indeed… to the point where Twilight had to wonder what in the world she was going on about. Did Rarity know this somepony?
“Ah, simmer down, luv.” Several candles slowly flickered to life, and Twilight found herself confronted by quite a crowd of fillies and colts. None of them could’ve been older than sixteen, and there was no way there could be fewer than forty of them. Where had they all come from? And how had they all been hiding back here without being packed in like apples in the barrel? “I’m jes’ givin her th’ business. Wot I wanna know is why yer around these parts at this hour, Miz Rares.” He hopped up onto a box, then onto the top of a barrel so as to be closer to eye hieght for them. “This ain’t the kind of place you wanna be in after dark, iffn’ ya catch my meaning.”
“I was taking them to the Hayburger!” Pinkamena finally burst into the conversation, fixing the scamp with a beady glare. “We needed a place to get a meal! So why don’t you tell me why this district has been barricaded off!? Huh?” Pinkamena loomed in close, her eyes narrowing, her words coming faster and sharper with every passing moment. “This road should be open, so why isn’t it open? Who the heck put those barricades there?!”
Despite this barrage of questions, the young colt seemed unfazed. “Cuzza th’ riots in Coppertown, miss,” he promptly responded, the crowd of fillies and colts not quite dispersing around him. Rather, they seemed to be moving to various cubbies and literal holes in the wall and vanishing into the buildings that made up the alleyway. Which was… almost suspiciously clean. “There woz a lay-bor dis-pute,” he continued, visibly pronouncing the syllables before continuing. “An it got th’ Baron’s tail in a twist, so he did some stupid stuff to ‘calm the pop-u-lace.’ Not that it did much good fer Coppertown.”
“Wait!” Twilight threw up her hooves, and all eyes settled upon her. Good. She finally had somepony’s attention. Now she had to do something with it. “I am entirely too confused and hungry for this to be going on. So I am taking control of this madness before it escalates!” She pointed a hoof at Pinkamena, “You, find us some food. At the quickstep! Rarity, you are going to sit down and explain to me in understandable terms just what in the name of Platinum’s crown is going on here.” Then she turned resolutely to the colt. “And you are going to give me your name, young pony, before I decide the best means to deal with you is a sound spanking!”
“Ha! Like I’d let a dove like you give me a spankin.” The little pony stuck out his tongue and produced a spectacular raspberry. Then he tucked it back in and grinned fearlessly. “Well iff’n ya really wanna know, th’ names Pipsqueak yer majesty! An’ someday I’m gonna be famous, I am!” He cocked his head at Rarity, smiling broadly. “Course I gotta learn proper Equestrian first, else I’m never gonna convince Miz Rarity here to stop jawin’ on at me about it.”
“When you can stop chopping vowels out of your words and use proper enunciation, perhaps I’ll stop haranguing you.” Rarity’s tart voice darn near made Twilight giggle. Even now, frustrated as she was, there was nothing quite as amusing as Rarity in full huff. “And this is a Countess, I’ll have you note. So be respectful, would you?” Rarity threw Twilight a long suffering look, pressing her hoof to her chest. “Dreadfully sorry, Twilight. Might I introduce you to young Pip Pop. One of the many unfortunate orphans driven to destitution by Baron Lucre’s lack of concern for his peasantry.”
Twilight pressed her lips into a thin line, but… behind Pipsqueak’s rakish cheer, there was a cunning gleam in his eye. Hmm… “I believe he introduced himself as Pipsqueak, Rarity.” She began slowly, turning about in place. “And in case I am mistaken, we are currently in his home. And humble though it may be, that still requires us to be polite.” Well, perhaps not different but at minimum she could manage respectful. “We’re a bit behind the times here, Pipsqueak. What happened in Coppertown that caused this problem?”
For just a moment, Pipsqueak looked at her dubiously. Then… well, either he’d decided she wasn’t mocking him or he decided he’d like to be superior to somepony of her station for once. Whichever one it was, he started talking. “Th’ earth pony Miners Guild wanted Baron Lucre to make good on his promises fer pay an such.” Pip began, speaking in a deliberately proper manner that sounded absolutely nothing like his normal voice. “But Baron Lucre was sayin’ they’d not met their own terms on how much they would make the mine produce if he let em’ take over the labor stuff. Th’ Guild didn’t much like ‘im callin their rep-u-tation into doubt, so they started riotin.”
Pipsqueak sat down upon the crate and shook his head mournfully. “Dunno what happened next, but next thing yanno goldbutt’s runnin’ all over th’ place with his ‘guards’.” The sneer of contempt couldn’t have been thicker in his voice if he’d been a veteran privy councilor. “An givin’ all us innocent ponies a hard time an puttin’ up his barricades t’ stop Inser-” Pipsqueak’s expression shifted to annoyance. “Insor- Insarrect-” Then he spat on the ground. “Treason! Blood and bloody ashes, why can’t nopony speak plain ol’ equish these days…”
That was… Twilight blanked on that. That was what? Impossible? Or was it something she thought was impossibly only because it had now become painfully clear that all of that nonsense mother had blathered on about regarding governance and political affiliations was not, in fact, nonsense? But was, in fact, something she ought to have been paying attention to? It may be a bit late to realize that, Twilight. You were knee deep in this mire, and now the mire’s beginning to creep up to your belly…
Pinkamena was frowning mightily. “That tracks with what I’ve been hearing but… Wait, then why is this part of town the only one walled off?” Her voice rose to a surprisingly shrill squeak, much of her doddering humor now gone and revealing a cunning looking glare.
Pipsqueak shrugged. “Ain’t no idea, miss. Not my problem t’ worry about th’ affairs of th’ high an’ mighty. But y’all had best rethink goin t’ that side of town if ya like t’ keep yer bones whole.” Then he turned in place and blew out a breath. “Ye need t’ get outta here, an quicklike. ‘Afore one of goldbutt’s goons decides t’ come lookin fer ye from the sky. Ain’t noplace ‘round here fer you t’ hide either.”
He slipped into one of the holes in the wall, leaving behind the candle somepony else had lit and leaving her and Rarity alone. Wait. Where was... “Miss Pinkamena?” Twilight turned around quickly, but saw no sign of the pink maned madpony. She had vanished seemingly into the night, and that was a very big problem. “Uh… Rarity, what should we do?” Twilight hated feeling tentative. A few moments ago, she’d been ready to take command of things and now she was already deferring to Rarity again.
She needed to get a hoof on this situation. “No, wait. Don’t answer that.” She pressed her hoof into her forehead and took a deep breath before speaking. “We need to go find a chariot. We need to do so preferably without running into Baron Lucre’s retainers. And we need to get to Canterlot before somepony does something horrific to us.” Ah. Exhale. Good, she could still take command of a situation without blathering about like a filly on her vows day.
Rarity’s nod of acknowledgement was almost a relief to her. “Right, so.” Twilight turned in place to face the fence wall, sizing it up. How had they opened and closed it? Counterweight system? Ah, no. It pivots near the top. Ropes pull it up, let it shut. Everypony would push on it, not try pulling it out. Clever. Easy to open from the inside, too. She pressed her hooves against the wall, wondering what may have happened to Pinkamena. Forget it, Twilight. Get to Canterlot. Worry about madpony engineers later. “Where do they tend to congregate?” Rarity ought to know that.
Rarity bit at her lip. “Northern part of town, past those awful barricades. That’s where the Pegasi trading posts are, too.” And now it made sense why Rarity hadn’t brought it up sooner. Ugh, this entire trip had gone from simple (Find chariot, pay pegasi, get to canterlot. Simple!) to ridiculously complex in the space of a few days. Well, she supposed that the universe truly did always tend toward the ridiculous when you least wanted it to.
But her options were exceedingly limited. “We’ve got to go.” Twilight said quietly, and pushed the fence panel open a smidge to peek out into the street. Empty enough for her taste, she slipped out into the road. After a worrying moment and a very disapproving sigh from behind the fence, Rarity appeared in her wake. Northern part of town? That was easy, all she needed to do was glance at the vivid night sky, find the northern star, hm, hm, hm, ah, there! Annnnnd follow it adroitly. Well. As adroitly as one could around densely packed buildings.
Quickly, she led the way before Rarity could voice some sort of concern that would only further slow her down. Right, I’ve got about three hundred and fifty bits to work with. If I remember correctly, that ought to get us both to Canterlot City with about thirty bits to spare. Fifteen bits for the carriage ride to the Academy, and ten bits for the application fee and- A hoof grabbed the back of her neck and brought her to an almost catastrophic halt...
Just as a trio of steel armored toughs went trotting down a street in front of her, wearing short swords and looking rather grim. A hard, quiet, and absurdly thickly accented voice hissed in her ear. “Ye blind and daft, ya git?! Didn’ I tell ye to get out of town?” That was Pipsqueak, who was half in and half out of a window with a bandanna tied around his head and his cheeks smudged with dirt.
“We’re getting out of town.” She whispered back just as harshly, narrowing her eyes. “We need to get on a chariot to Canterlot! The next closest village with a chariot station is in earth pony territory, two weeks south of here!” It was hard to keep her voice down but… Well, she might not know much about being in actual danger, but she was reasonably certain Pipsqueak did.
The little earth pony’s gaze narrowed, then softened. “Fresh outta luck, your ladyship. Ain’t no chariots here since last full moon. Goldbutt sez they was formentin’ treason, like he’s been sayin’ about everypony lately.” He kept his voice low, but he might as well have been shouting at her for how much his words struck her. He’d thrown out the pegasi chariot bearers? What in the Avatar’s name had he been thinking? The Pegasopolis senate would have him defrocked for such an insult!
But that didn’t help her right now. Canterlot, within her very grasp, was now an eternity away. I’d have to cross the Unicornian border. There is no way I can possibly do that without the Alabaster Guard taking me into custody. So. What do I do? And with that, she was frozen. And the world for all of its glory, became clouded somehow. Memories became vague at that moment. Rarity dragging her down an alley. A hushed argument with Pipsqueak. Something was going on, but she couldn’t figure out what.
It was like the universe was in tension, like all of reality around her was straining at its very fabric. But why? Everything moving in rhythm, everything ticking away like some kind of enormous clock, but there was something wrong. Why couldn’t she move herself? Some syncopation in the timing, some gear that was not quite moving in precise motion with the rest. It was maddening. Why was Rarity looking so concerned? It was throwing everything off. The rhythm was being disrupted by something. Every moment that passed, the gears were getting further and further out of sync. Why was Pipsqueak helping Rarity pull her down some mysterious flight of steps? And if they came too far out of sync, something terrible would happen. But what? What was going on!? Why was the world not working?
Why couldn’t she breathe?!?!
Then, it was over. All at once, like a string snapping and all of the tension flinging the ends against the walls. She gasped at the air all at once, trying to pull it into her lungs. They burned so. There was pain, but not so much that she could not breathe. Finally. “I… What?” Twilight gasped out the words, trying to make sense of what had just happened to her. Trying to grasp the world around her more firmly.
Rarity’s eyes swam into view. “Twilight, we must go. Pip Pop says he can get us to safety.” Her voice was hushed and frightened, her eyes tight with worry. For her. About her? Why was she worried about her? She was fine, if a bit out of sorts. Nothing a proper cuppa couldn’t solve, she was sure. Maybe a crumpet or two and some nice restorative jam.
Pipsqueak spoke harshly, bringing her just a little bit further back to reality. “We gots’ta get goin. Throw ‘er over yer shoulder and get your flank movin.” Twilight wanted to open her mouth to object to such a course of action, but she didn’t get much of a choice. Rarity, proving to be rather more athletic than Twilight would have given her credit for, did just that. The next thing she knew, she was being hurried through some kind of damp and ill lit corridor. Mother surely was going to have words with the housekeepers if the basement was in this state.
Wait, what was she thinking again? It was difficult to tell as the musty wind blew by, as the darkness gave way to the twinkling stars of the night sky and - Her snout tilted up into the air and she sniffed experimentally. She knew that scent like she knew no other. Corn oil, potatoes, salt. The faintest hint of sugar. Hayburger fries. As unmistakable a scent as excrement but infinitely more palatable. “This way!” A familiar voice squeaked out of the night, and she swiveled her head to try and figure out if Hayburger Fries had learned the art of speech. That might make it difficult to consume them in the quantities she preferred.
But no, it was merely miss Pinkamina atop a Hayburger delivery cart, six sacks of steaming delights next to her and a proud smile on her face. Rarity said something quite loudly that Twilight none the less did not catch, and then she was on the rough wooden planks that couldn’t have smelled more delicious if you’d bathed them in bearnaise sauce. “Who’s the colt?” That was Pinkamena’s voice through the haze of whatever had happened to her poor abused brain.
“Oi, we’re goin too fast! Wot the bloody hell is this contraption!?” Pip’s voice rose above the chugging sound that seemed all too close to her ears. Where had Pinkamena found another engine? “I gotta go back to the town! My mates are waitin’ for me!”
“No time, Baron Lucre was already getting his troops lined up!” Pinkamena yelled back, and Twilight felt gravity and centrifigual force take over as her body rolled across the back of the cart to smack into the raised side. Fortunately, the only thing she bruised was her shoulder and not her horn. That would’ve been quite bad if she’d bruised her horn. “They’ll be rounding up anypony who was with her!”
“Oh, bleedin’ buck me…” Pipsqueak whispered just loud enough to hear. It was the last thing she would hear before the blackness of sleep took her.
~~~Canterlot Castle~~~
The wave of power hit them all at the same time. And by the time each stood, shaking the feeling from their heads, the guards were already scrambling for ink and paper. “She’s so strong.” Artemis Luna whispered, pressing a hoof to her head. “Have we utterly misread the situation? There is no reason for an Avatar of this strength for something as simple as a class struggle. Something deeper is going on.”
Mi Amore Cadenza was shaking in her hoofboots, so much so that Sol Celestia had to drape a foreleg around her shoulder and hold her close to bring it to a stop. “If we’re feeling it like this, there is no telling what we may be on the brink of.” Celestia had to work hard to keep her voice quiet and calm. “We must send messengers to all of the nations as swiftly as possible for intelligence.” At least the Crystal Ponies could be counted on to remain out of the fray.
She hoped. “As for our nascent Avatar, something has obviously complicated Sunset Shimmer’s retrieval of her. Spitfire shall do fine for Pegasopolis and Fleur is already in place in Unicornia. As for the earth ponies... ” Celestia could not help but stumble over her words there. It was difficult to think of the kindly earth ponies at the center of all this madness.
“We’ll need to buy time.” Cadence said in a breathy but firm voice. “I’m fine, Aunty. I promise. I shall leave for the Bittanian Empire at once, she’ll have to go through their territory to reach Canterlot if she’s coming by hoof. Perhaps I can distract them.” She was forcing herself to her hooves, so much so that even Luna looked concerned for her health.
Celestia shook her head firmly. “We shall need you here to keep the Griffons and Dogs in line, Cadence. Not to mention the Buffalo folk have been making noises about the Bittanian’s encroaching upon their stampeding grounds. We have nopony else who can juggle so many diplomatic needs at once.” She bit her lip, then looked upwards. “Lulu, were the situation not so desperate… Were I able to leave Canterlot...”
“Fear not, Sister. I shall go to Bittania at once.” Luna’s horn blazed to life, summoning her black armor from the void. “We have not had an inspection of the Royal Guard at Buckingham yet this year, and it shall make a fine excuse for me to see if I cannot intercept her.” She turned on the spot, striding down the hall. “That is if Sunset has not already done so.”
~~~~~Somewhere north of the Bittanian / Unicornian border.~~~~~
“She’s waking up! Get Rarity, Pip.”
Twilight felt like she’d just been drinking heavily. Not that she’d know what that felt like on a regular experience. She’d only done it once. For science, of course, and to see if she could not devise a more capable hangover remedy than raw eggs and goats milk. Eugh. Now her stomach felt queasy. Or maybe that was the faint scent of oil and salt in her snout. Miss Pinkamena’s face swam into view, looking concerned and oddly calm. “Twilight? Are you in there?” When did Pinkamena figure out how to speak in a such quiet tones? She almost looked… concerned. But why would she be concerned for her? She was fine. Right?
Rarity arrived moments later, her face swimming into view and so painted with worry that Twilight could not stop herself from reaching up to squeeze her shoulder. “M’okay.” Her lips mumbled numbly. She felt annoyance and smacked her lips with her tongue, wetting them. “I’m fine, Rarity. Just a bit wobbly. What happened?” There, now she was talking properly. Now she needed to sit up.
She planted both hooves on the planks and pushed herself mightily. It took a moment for her muscles to get the message, but get it they did. “Darling, you should rest!” Rarity cried out, but Twilight was having none of it. They were off the road at some kind of rest-stop, surrounded by trees and forest and nature and NOT Silberfelton. That was not a good sign for her getting to Canterlot with any ease.
“Quit mother henning her, luv.” Pipsqueak’s distinct tones surprised Twilight, and when she turned to see the distinctly grouchy look on his face, she had to wonder what she’d missed. “She’s got a lotta ‘splainin to do as it is. Like wot the blazes was up with her eyes.” He fixed her with a beady eye, narrowed slightly. “Look normal now, but…”
“What do you mean ‘my eyes’?” Twilight snapped at him, swinging her hindlegs about and trying to stand without much success. Her limbs felt so heavy for some reason, like she’d been doing some sort of exhausting work. Not quite sore, though, thank Celestia. “And where are we? What happened last night?” It was hard to figure out exactly where they were given that, well… This was the middle of the forest, and she wasn’t exactly trained to recognize tree breeds, now was she?
Her three travelling companions all looked at one another in varying order, and after several awkward minutes of silence, Pinkamena spoke up. “We’re about three days south of Silberfelton, on the Great Trade Road.” She began rather timidly, tapping her hooves together as shock coursed through Twilight’s veins. “I’m pretty sure we shook off Baron Lucre’s goons yesterday, but we’re going to keep moving just to be sure.”
Before Twilight could open her mouth, Rarity rushed into the conversation. “Your eyes, Twilight… they were glowing bright white! They were even giving off a little light, like the moon.” Her voice was trembling with some unidentifiable emotion that Twilight was in no mood to examine more carefully right now. “You weren’t responding to anything we said, and then you.. you collapsed.” She bit at her lip, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “I’d thought you’d had a brainstorm… I was so worried…”
Twilight tried opening her mouth again, but found no words summoned to her lips. Pip spoke quietly. “There was a big t’do behind us as we wuz leavin. Couldn’ let goldbutt’s goons get their claws on ya in that state.” Pip was staring at the planks of the cart so it was hard to tell what was crossing the colts mind. But he surely did not sound terribly happy. “I hope m’ mates are alright…” His words trailed off into a mumble, then he went quiet and blew out a raspberry. “Buckin bleedin’ hell, I must be mental.”
She’d collapsed? For three days?
That was… incredibly frightening. I need to see a healer! I need to see Doctor Caduceus, immediately! But… but he’s back home and if I go back there… Oh. Oh dear. She was… I’m in very deep trouble. That was the very first, very quiet thought she’d had since she left home. Her mind had gone surprisingly calm and quiet at the admission of it, as though she’d finally realized what ruin she’d driven herself into out of fear and doubt.
There was clearly something wrong with her if she’d been unresponsive for so long, and Twilight was now certain it had to be tied into the device she’d made. Had she suffered some latent form of magical shock? Ugh, she didn’t know enough about magical healing to try and find out. She did feel better, oddly enough. The soreness and fatigue in her limbs was slowly fading away, and she did feel like the world was brighter and easier to take as the moments ran by.
So she reached out to Rarity, and squeezed her close. “I’m alright, Rarity. I promise.” There was no point in standing on rank at this point, if ever there had been one. “And Pipsqueak? I’m very grateful to your assistance in keeping me safe, and I give you my word I shall repay you for it.” The little colt’s head came up, his head cocked quizzically to one side. Still there was the sly cunning, and now overlaid with a touch of curiosity. “And Pinkamena… Obviously, I owe you once again for coming to our rescue and providing us with proper transport.”
Pinkamena shrugged her shoulders and grinned cheerfully. “De nada, Twilight. So. What’re we going to do?” There were a lot of subtleties in that question, but the only thing she could focus on was… well, they still expected her to lead the way.
And while Twilight wanted nothing more than to sit down and examine the complexities of that for the next six hours, she genuinely did not care right now. At the very least, taking charge was something she could do to help… even if she was still pretty lousy at doing so. “We should keep going.” She spoke quietly, closing her eyes and pressing a hoof into her brow. “We’ll need to figure out some way to get across the Bittanian border without being found out, though.”
Pinkamena grinned broadly. “You just leave that to me, Miss Twilight. I’ve got a plan, and it doesn’t even involve explosions this time!” And then she turned, taking hold of the throttle and easing them out onto the road. Twilight leaned back against the planks, and to her surprise found Rarity pressed up against her with tears still unshed but eyes still bright. Why was she so concerned for her? Rarity was a friend, certainly, but this seemed different….
And of course, Pipsqueak had to interrupt her thoughts. “Wot does she mean ‘this time’?”
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Yeah, Twilight might be a bit sheltered, but she's not stupid. This Baron sounds like a nasty character. What just happened? Something to do with Twilight becoming an Avatar? It seems something terrible is coming. First comment!
Here I am planning my own Avatar crossover, and look what washes up in the feature box.
Interesting. I hope either Twilight or Sunset roasts this Baron over a fire.
Hmm, wonder what could be the meaning of this 'hidden occurrence' the three alicorns are worried about.
It's not Cadence. It's Cadance. The copyrighted name is Cadance.
5398814 true and as far as avatars go think of the show Celestia = sun Luna = moon Cadence-love Twilight-magic and this story is 1800's time kind of cars are still hit and miss there are machines in this case machines that need some kind of power supply besides electricity and twilight literally just made the mana battery so think machines needing a source of power no one can think of and twilight just made it not knowing that doing so would create an uproar and total shift in political power, magic theory, and "technology" probably also just made what our nuclear bombs do only smaller and maybe a bigger boom after all one of her experiments destroyed something in one of the previous chapters
Some nitpicking corrections:
*Extra space between quotation marks and "Allo, allo, allo."
*Check your iff'ns for consistency (e.g. "This ain’t the kind of place you wanna be in after dark, iffn’ ya catch my meaning.")
*Missing some apostrophes, like in "a spankin" and "his promises fer pay an such"
*Misplaced apostrophe: "if he let em’"
*"Or was it something she thought was impossible"
...Okay, sorry, there's a bunch a stuff. Would you like some proofreading help?
5399914
Inky is proofing it tomorrow, he didn't have time tonight.
5399917 Okay, just checking
Fascinating stuff.
Seems there is large racial dispute brewing with something darker stirring things up.
I'm interested in what the Avatars in this setting actually do. In the original show the Avatar controlled all four elements and acted as the bridge between the physical and spiritual. We don't have bending in this setting and I haven't seen a sign of anything spiritual. Hopefully we get a break down on what function the Avatars serve in the near future.
Sounds like the Baron is doing some rather illegal stuff. Kicking out the Pegasi sounds like a pretty big move. Might even lead to retaliation.
I'm hoping we'll meet Applejack and Fluttershy soon. Will we get that explanation from Rarity about what is going on and why Twilight's invention is so important next chapter?
s.quickmeme.com/img/a3/a399b82adda855679a7c7d2225c80a344eea61b936b7cc3eec572df385ab2a03.jpg
and then you.. you collapsed
1. Just missing a fullstop from your ellipses here.
Iff'n I think this is going where this is going then essentially what Twilight has done is made a new fuel source for war and she herself doesn't know it. Ponies, Dogs, Griffons and all other races alike will be vying for that power, to use for their own good (or rather, bad) deeds.
If this is the case, I do wonder how or rather when Twilight will realize what she has done. Ponies like Pinkie already know what the Mana Battery is worth and can potentially do and she also knows what the wrong sort of ponies would do if they got their hooves on it.
Too bad Twilight didn't manage to eat her Hayburger fries for three days...
I don't follow the Avatar series at all, but I am very intrigued by the alternate universe you have setup here, and the excellent story telling you have done so far. Looking forward to more.
I can't say I'm all too familiar with Avatar beyond the basic concepts (and from what I do know, it feels like you are largely doing your own thing anyway with the whole concept, which works out all the better for me in this case), but this story has me greatly intrigued. Alternate settings to the show are always an interesting thing to explore, and it's obvious you have put a fair bit of thought and imagination in to this one - we may have seen little of the larger world so far, but it certainly feels like a full-fledged world with its own stories to tell and secrets to reveal.
You have done a great job with Twilight (and Rarity) as well - all the characteristics and personality traits that make up our lavender bookworm are still there (her curious and inquisitive nature, getting excited about discovering new things, interest in magic and science, being prone to going off-tangent during panic attacks, penchant for making plans and keeping things organized, her somewhat short temper at times), while having all sorts of minor quirks to account for her much different upbringing without overshadowing who she is as a whole.
Like her distaste for some dirt and cleaning her hooves being her first thought after getting out of the ditch (original Twilight probably wouldn't have that on her first of priorities), being more concerned about comfort, like when she made her sleeping place in the attic (while certainly having never lacked such things, original Twilight strikes me as someone who could rough it without much more than shrug if need be), her more ingrained "manners", like when she caught herself before she could facehoof (while original Twilight is perfectly happy to facehoof - or whatever other visual annoyance cue seems appropriate - if given half a chance), her somewhat greater aversion to potentially impending violence (original Twilight, amusingly enough, is reasonably aggressive if a fight seems unavoidable) ...
Indeed, a most impressive job of constructing a Twilight that's still Twilight as clear as day, while making it easy to spot how her upbringing and more sheltered nature have affected her character in small ways without them interfering with her base characterization. (I like how she still seems to want to take charge, like she does in the original, but is quickly slumped thanks to her inexperience and limited understanding of the world beyond the borders of her family's immediate property). Excellent work.
The plot has me quite engrossed as well - the politics and racial tensions are interesting (and the industrial revolution Twilight's invention is about to bring, apparently), as such things are wont to be, and then there is the Avatar business itself - just what is the disaster that is coming that she is intended to counter? Was the glimpses in to the beyond and the world feeling ... off, out of balance, just side effects of Twilight tapping in to her avatar state, or was that an actual case of her seeing what was wrong with world, something serious that is pulling the entire existence out of balance? Color me intrigued.
And ouch, poor Twilight - to think all of this mess (well, most of it) could have been avoided if she had simply stayed home for one more day - Sunset would have arrived and whisked her away to Canterlot, and that was that. She'd be there for days as of now. To think that during her escape she also managed to escape from the easy solution that was coming her way ... she is going to be kicking herself once she is appraised of the fact, isn't she?
Still, good for her - it sucks to have a parent like Twilight's mother, who doesn't actually care one bit about having their children's input about their own futures, so good on her for getting out of that cage.
Though I do wonder - what in the world possessed her to reveal to the nobles what exactly she had been working on? True, she might be ignorant of the larger implications regarding her battery and the change it might bring, but still - she didn't even tell it to her brother because she didn't want it getting out before she got a chance to send it away, so actually going out and saying it to the nobles (meaning it has a good chance of reaching her mother's ears even if the topic wasn't particularly explosive) seems mightily foolish.
Anyways, this has been a pleasure to read and I hope the story isn't put on hold, because this has very good potential.
This story is getting at least mentioned on The Brony Bookclub. Maybe featured. I know Samuel will go gaga for it.
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Well this is the one I really want to get back to in terms of long stories. So keep your eyes open for that.
No update in six months?
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This is probably going to be the major project I try the hardest to finish, but I am kind of in the weeds with RL stuff at the moment.
I saw this one my library. I wonder. Is this going to continue?
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Yes.
As soon as my CCNA Studying is done, I am going to put in work on this. But that being an RL need must take priority.
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Yeah, I read your blog post after I made the comment, haha. I wish you lots of luck, and if you're studying as hard as you write, I know you'll succeed.
And I'm absolutely giddy to know this will eventually continue. And even if it does not, I truly enjoyed what it has, thanks!
Is the story alive?
Dunno if you plan to come back, but can I request updates to this? It's quite interesting, and I like the hints of steampunk.