- Member Since 5th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 28th, 2019
Endorb
I've been told I'm good at writing. I guess you'll have to be the judge of that. I'll certainly help you if you ask
Endorb
Joined 5th Feb, 2014 ·
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Needs work, but pretty good for your first story.
5344210 my first UNEDITED try. But thank you very much. I'm looking for any constructive criticism you might have.
5344341 Why did you post an unedited story? This is your first fic, if I were you I'd be trying to put out my best and get constructive criticism on my writing and language usage instead of on the issues I know exist. At the very least I'd be trying to gain a reputation as someone who works hard and wants to improve. You are not highlighting either of those traits, which I personally find a worrying sign.
Your writing is better than some new writers, but remember that there is always room to improve.
5344919 bad foresight. And by no editing, I always end a session of writing with grammatical/structural reprise. The story should have no mistakes, but it hasn't been re-written for better wording etc.
5345021
It has plenty. There are frequent capitalization errors, and your punctuation needs work as well.
5345071 I'm going to fire my autocorrect now. And my proofreader. And my brain. And then I'll fix it later
Not nearly as bad as I expected. This definitely doesn't deserve the roughly 50% upvotes and 50% downvotes it had when I found it.
I don't know if this story is intact and unedited as you said in its current state, but no one is going to be perfect. We're only human. The part that's a lot sadder is that 100% of the stories in the featurebox have a less interesting premise than this, yet this story is getting a large amount of flak for, um... grammar imperfections, I guess?
I mean, yeah, your storytelling itself can use a lot of work. The story was fairly bland, but 50% straight down the middle? What the hell, really? This still has a better premise than every overdone Lyra x Bon Bon, or Vinyl Scratch x Octavia, or Human in Equestria, or alicorn OC that deserves a 50% ratio.
Bottom line: The errors that you need to fix aren't in your grammar, which is good, but in the story itself. The story just goes, "Celestia has to deal with crap every year, so she gets some crap she's not expecting, is surprised by it, then deals with that crap and has no more crap to deal with." It felt like you barely struggled above 1,000 words, despite the story being 2,000 words, because there was so much nothing that happened in it. Yeah, you can use some work in making your story more alive and vibrant.
Man, if it isn't a great first attempt, though. Upvoted because this deserves an upvote far more than so many legitimately awful stories that get upvotes they don't deserve.
5348865 by unedited I meant the only time I rewrote anything is when me or autocorrect screwed up the story. I just wanted to get this out there for NaNoWriMo, and rushed myself. That was a HUGE mistake in hindsight. I partly did it because in the rewriting phase, I tend to overthink thing and think so long that there is almost a personality split in the story. My grammatical editing was handled by 2 free programs, IOS 6 autocorrect, and somebody who I found out never even opened the document. If I'm right about anything, this will be by far the worst story I ever publish.
5349753
There's an incredibly small number of grammatical mistakes; the bulk of any amount of gripes that I have are in the story's writing itself, things that can't be autocorrected.
I'm saying that it's not even bad.
The personality split wasn't the issue; it read more like a laundry list than a story to be told. There was a conflict and a resolution, but it was told too plainly and resolved too readily. It didn't feel like an issue to her, especially consider what she was being accused of.
If it wasn't an issue, the recess wouldn't have been necessary. She was sweating it, but it never felt like she was sweating it.
Let me reiterate: Your spell checker did fine. At least you ran your story through a spell check, because the grammar turned out easily legible and the sentences mostly unmarred by any serious issues. Every single tiny issue to me is in the bland and boring way you delivered the story. Just keep practicing, and I think you'll be able to make your stories more vibrant and alive; in the meantime, I think you did fine for your first story, and I'm glad I decided to give it a read.
5351359 yep. that's most of my first drafts. You're very welcome to give your own try to the story. And the schizophrenia is when I do start rewriting a story, which never happened. I might rewrite it, but not this weekend
5351739
No hurry; I enjoyed it well enough.
There should be an "OBJECTION!" in the part of the story where Celestia retaliates and puts Candy Cross in her place. She must've known Phoenix Wright in another lifetime.
Good effort, but it feels...lacking.