• Member Since 25th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 10th, 2012

moench123


E

A strange light from Twilight's failed spell sends her and her friends into the human universe. later in the days, more and more ponies from ponyville start to show, now the human must raise them like in his favorite story, "my little dashie" but it seems like they won't leave. Then it turns into something he feared.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 23 )

Paragraphs. Learn to use them. It's painful to read huge blocks of text. Also a chapter is NOT 500 or so words. At least 1,000 if you must have painfully short chapters.

Also... It's badly written. Really badly written. Like it was so bad it hurt to read.

Princess Celestia instead of taking her elements of harmony (which are her only weapons against evil) where they belong she stays with a guy who put duct tape on her and claims the ponies are his 'daughters'.

It just screams self insert and I really didn't like it.

EDIT: OH GOD It was so bad I didn't realise how much you stole from my little dashie. You mention it almost every chapter and the whole story line follows it! Seriously? I don't mean to be so rude but this is just... A self insert nightmare. Please sort your stuff out. Read a lot of books to learn how an actual story progresses, learn how to type and paragraph and... If you're going to self insert don't make yourself a freaking god who everypony adores so much it hurts.

:trixieshiftleft:i mentioned my little dashie alot because this is me practicly in that story, and know it wasnt that good, you dont have to tell me

Bro....
So much wrong in this fic....
I think you need a proof reader man.

504768
Scratch that, what he needs is a tinderbox.
Fire shall cleanse

I SENSE MARY SUE!
You need more plot development, more on the fillies and less than on you.
Trust me
Bronies LOVE the fillies they can barely give a damn about you bro. Sad but true.

504754 you didn't even click the reply button. But if it isn't good then why should I say anything? You put it up, I gave my opinion. If you didn't want people commenting badly on it then I don't see the point.

.....Get this man a English semester.
No plot development.
No showing of any descriptive.
I felt like I read my OLD fan-fiction
It's like reading in the past. Please edit this, I'm not doing it. But this does have potent stuff. sadly your idea of a happy ending is rushed and alittle too fast on this. No description of the house like from the fan fic. Please be more descriptive just reading this with no descriptive words is bad for all of us.
When I read a fan fic I want to visualize it in my mind. That is what reading fiction is all about, reading with action.
DO BETTER!
Or let shadyVox do it for you, he's taking everything for credit these days.

This is...well...borderline unreadable. Nothing really progresses or develops in the story, stuff just sort of happens at random...
And when taking a concept from a story as famous as My Little Dashie, you really, REALLY, need to put enough effort to ensure you do said concept justice. This story does anything but that.

:moustache:: ...:pinkiecrazy:
EDIT: For a really good chapter, see here: http://fimfiction.net/story/19696/1 :twilightsmile:

im not trying to hat on it but you look like u have great future in writeing im likeing it so far just ya u need proof reading :pinkiecrazy:

504846 ill keep these in mind thank you

Okay...where to start...firstly, your story is badly done. you have little to no story line, you're jumping from one thing to the next with little explanation as to what's going on and why. Almost everything is set up in the most convenient way that you get everything you want with absolutely no sacrifice to your character. There's no inner conflict with the characters emotions and very little is done to resolve outer conflicts, they just 'magically' forget why they were angry. This is very self centered as well, it's all about you and how you feel, not about how the others feel about the situation.

Lastly; MY GOD THE GRAMMAR! There's way to much 'I this', 'I that' and 'I hope this' This needs a much wider variety of words to convey what's happening. Using 'I' all the time just destroys the story into a repetitive mess.

needs A LOT of work!
overall feeling towards this story: :facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:

519521 meh, i dont blame you for saying these. im getting better though. at least from people like you telling me how i bucked up i know what to work on so thanks for the bad report :scootangel:

505719 YOU AGAIN! YOU COMMENTED SHIT ON MY, no stay back trollmind:twilightangry2::twilightangry2:

523883 :fluttercry: mfw i saw the start of your comment

523884 i thought it was directed to me...

523887 Yea, but that dinkydick wrote shit on my story, i just found the fucker again on my travels

523894 dinkydick? really? haha :twilightsmile:

523900 Dinky= small dick= well you know

Haha it's just a insult over here:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::coolphoto:

523908 okie dokie lokie:pinkiehappy:

523035 We all start somewhere :pinkiehappy:

oh gosh...Did i mention tnat every night if i see a star,or have a birthday,or sometime when i can make a wish,i wish i could go to equestria like in the arrival of ford mustang

this book isnt finished yet?! whoa

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