iloveyouderpy
Joined 11th Apr, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i am eager to see more
Your story is a caramel center without a solid chocolate shell, good but messy.
Quite good. Made me a little sad but in a good way
but it's really bothering me that Luna left for ten thousand bucking years! Why would she do that? Either she herself is a changling that buggered off for ten thousand years and is really late to the party or Luna is a complete tool who left her sister alone for ten thousand years.
That's really bothering me. Apart from that it's near perfect and I recommend you keep on writing, good sir/ma'am.
I love this story. It pulls at my heartstrings, and I couldn't help but shed a tear. Liked and Faved. You've earned it.
this is interesting, Celestia killed everything to save herself, Luna surived, maybe other ponies did too? Did discord survive? Is this all an illusion?
Maybe years of traversing cold unyielding stone have finally cracked the lonely godess and all thats left are the ashes she's turned into remorse.
504434 no the war was like only a few years it was ten thousand years since they first appeared in the royal wedding the war started like a year before this story
Good read, could use a bit of cleaning up and editing, but minor mistakes are, well, minor. 5 minutes well spent!
Also liked and faved.
504444 Oh. I'm more confused now. Ten thousand years and no one moved stuff out of Twilights house? I'm sure other people would like to live there too. And it's still bothering me that Luna was gone that long.
504451 Princess Cadance could of still lived there after the death of Shining Armor. She is an alicorn and could live forever if she wasn't killed in the chaos when the changelings attacked Canterlot
504462 and she didn't move the stuff? When my sister moved out we didn't keep her room the same. Sorry it's just bugging me that nothing was really unchanged. Apart from that I kinda like the story but the fact Luna disappeared for a few years (she could of at least looked, equestria isn't THAT big for an alicorn) and now Twilights room was the same is bothering me.
504442 sometimes the mystery is the best part of a story
504476 maybe she left it alone out of respect of Twilight. Maybe when Shining Armor was alive he suggested they leave it the way it was for it reminds him of his sister
504493 Alright then. That makes sense, I suppose.
504482
half the fun of a mystery is having old theories disporved as new evidence comes to light.
will you continue this
504501 because you asked, yes
It's been over ten thousand since the changelings made their first appearance in Canterlot.... You left out years.
There was broken glass on the ground and broken picture frames which were flipped over. That should be was.
Princess Luna assent with an army of pegasi soldiers over to defend Cloudsdale but she never returned. 'was'
In the field hundred of lines of white marble tombstones..... Try this "In the field were hundreds of white marble tombstones."
Thats what I sa I like where this is going continue
...This is... interesting. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to have a happy ending, I can't but help but string these facts together;
1. Luna went missing at the start of the war, after leading a detachment of Pegasi into enemy held territory.
2. The spell Celestia cast is strong enough to kill any pony bar an alicorn.
3. Chrysalis is an alicorn.
4. Chrysalis' MO is to impersonate a loved pony and feed of the love directed to her.
5. The Sister Princesses love one another.
I would hope that in your continuation, you would address these worrying issues.
504604 I mentioned Cedence was killed in the chaos of the attack
And chrysalis isn't an alicorn so she would have died in the blast
504613 My username directly rejects yours.
504613 Listen to viva la vida while reading this. Seriously, It's like, EXACTLY THE SAME.
Dat ending.
504613
The emphasis of the word 'pony' was meant to insinuate non-pony races may have survived. Most likely Dragons by dint of being the hardest thing to kill - except maybe Golems. And don't forget all the nice little hiding places things may have - like Tartarus.
Ok. This is a decent attempt, but there are some significant errors with its execution. Premise and prose aside, I am going to be looking at the story's major downfall - show vs tell.
You always want to show your reader what is happening. A good piece of writing will show events, places, character action, etc, etc and then from that description the ideas should become obvious. It's lazy to merely tell us 'There was no winner, everything died.' (Which is a comma splice, I might add.) To make your story powerful and memorable, you need to show us the world; use your prose and description to make the fact that everything died obvious. This a significant issue within this story. Almost every paragraph is filled with sentences where you are telling me things rather than showing them.
Adding on to that, be careful with how you describe character emotion. Make her depression clear with how she responds to the world; don't tell me that she is depressed. Your writing will be a lot stronger if you can escape the habit of telling rather than showing.
Overall, a good attempt! We all start somewhere so best of luck for the future!
504834 listen to "Fallen Kingdom" fits even better.
What about this!?!?!?!
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/288/d/8/alicorn_x_by_dracoliat-d4cwxse.png
508352 what about it
508352 oh sweet celestia it's an alicorn
but i can back this up, this was twilights imagination so that alicorn probably doesn't exist
504404 well i have another chapter her for ya
508363
dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133224937652.gif dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133224937652.gif
dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133224937652.gif dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133224937652.gif
HELL YEAH!
img.ponibooru.org/_images/2f8b2329f3dccdeed36ee9751debf2d4/119903%20-%20%23SWAG%2020%25%2020%25_cooler%20animated%20cooler%20homestuck%20rainbow_dash%20so_what%20WH4T_NOW%20what_now.gif
508367 still good but short =(
508422 I'm horrible at writing long stories
508479 it was still good
508512 thank you for your support, I'll continue to write fan fiction
508516 yay
I am most pleased with your apparent progress.
509193 Thank you
YAH!
526502 glad you enjoyed it
It's stories like these that inspire me to try and write a story like this.
You made me cry... not many people can say that. And for your reward...
ok