Heart a Flutter

Twishy504 stories ·1,121 members

Heart a Flutter

Twilight gets a letter from someone during Hearts and Hooves day so she goes to find out who it's from.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Cosmicdragon

Cosmicdragon #1 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·

This was really good you should right more

Fire Gazer the Alchemist

Fire Gazer the Alchemist #2 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·

I always enjoy a TwiShy story, and this one was no exception. However the pacing, towards the end especially, just seems rushed. I mean, having Twilight and Fluttershy kiss immediately after deciding they like each other seems a little forced.

Though at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite I will admit to doing pretty much the exact same thing in one of my stories.

Either way, I'll give it a like and a fav.

Lily Gingertail

Lily Gingertail #3 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·

I always enjoy a good TwiShy fic. Tho i have some criticism.
Phasing was a tad to fast at the end i mean having them kiss the second they find out they both love Eachother is a tad fast, have it been me i would probably have Twilight think about this relationship first, maybe a date before the first kiss i don't know.
But it was a good story and for being you'r first it was very good.
I hope to see you write more in the future (TwiShy is preferable) I'll give this story a 4/5

~Tobben

GjallarFox

GjallarFox #4 · Nov 14th, 2014 · 2 · ·

As the captain of the TwiShy ship, I read everything that falls within my ship. Now. I'm going to point out some things, and it may seem like I'm tearing your story apart, but that is not my intention. I am offering my advice and critique so that if/when you write another (please write more TwiShy) story, it will be vastly improved.

It was the beginning of hearts and hooves day, a time where colts and mares found true love and enjoyed each others company, Twilight Sparkle a purple unicorn with blue hair with pink highlights and purple eyes and on her rump was a magic star with sparkles all around it and she was watching her friend Rarity who was another unicorn but she had a white coat, her mane and tail were purple, styled to perfection, her eyes were blue and her cutie mark was diamonds.

Alright. There's a lot to talk about here. This first paragraph is a run-on sentence. There should be multiple sentences within the paragraph, and they should flow together, but they should never be connected to that length. Secondly, we all know what Twilight and Rarity look like. You can skip describing the ponies because we already know what they look like, unless you're pointing out particular traits that another character is noticing.

Rarity was looking over her mail, and Twilight could tell it was all love letters, Rarity was a lucky mare, she was so beautiful, so..radiant, she have colt's, even mare's flock to want to be with her. In a lot of ways Twilight was jealous of her friend, Twilight never got a single love letter in her life, and being a princess wasn't helping ether, most males didn't talk to her because they didn't want to offend her or didn't know how to talk to her now.

More run-on sentences in this paragraph. Also, I noticed you used 's to show that mares and colts were plural. You do not need the apostrophe for that.

I'm going to stop here, and hope that you take my advice to improve your future writing. I would love to see more TwiShy out of you, and I hope you would want to write more as well.

<3 DarqFox

Lunerpet

Lunerpet #5 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·

5269654 Thank you so much. I'm glad some people are willing to give good advice instead of just pointing out the flaws, Twishy is one of my favorite couplings and this is my first time trying it. it's kind of funny. last site I was at someone told me that I have to introduce them no matter what because some people might not know who they are and now your saying the other way around. I tried a new style of writing with this one, that's why it's a short story.

GjallarFox