Dark Secret of Love

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Dark Secret of Love

Chrysalis confronts Cadance about her powers. It's not good news.

My first fic.

Some words type into google translate for Galeic counterparts.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Europa

Europa #1 · Nov 14th, 2014 · 1 · ·

into the Chrystal Empire

Why do so many people write Chrystal? It's Crystal! Crystal!

Queen?!! What does she want!!!??

For any given sentence, never use more than one exclamation point or more than one question mark. !, ?, and ?! are good. What you did isn't.

BASTAIRD!!!!”

Spelling.

“My my my

Whenever you start a new speaker, start a new paragraph.

Mi Amorie

Pretty sure it's Amore.

your powers.

Question mark.

Do you REALLY THINK TELLING ME THIS MAKES ANYTHING YOU DID THAT DAY RIGHT!!!!????

This is an example of telling, not showing. Don't rely on bold, all caps, and such to convey emotion. Have their actions convey it. Don't say she's sad, describe her ears flopping and her voice growing soft. Don't WRITE IN ALL CAPS to show she's shouting, say how her voice's volume is pounding in her ears. The most you should ever need are italics and an exclamation mark, with description outside. There are exceptions to this rule, but this isn't one.

for an instant ans then

Spelling.

It's just to

Wrong use of too.

you."Chrysalis

Space after the quotation.

preparations it must

Comma after preparations. This isn't the only place, you miss a lot of commas throughout the piece.

spell would be less effective."

Question mark missing.

"No..No he

2 periods?

This was a fantastic idea, but at the end I don't feel anything was really... resolved. Chrysalis abducts Cadance again, tells her for some reason as to how changeling magic works and how she could become a changeling queen if Shining 'shuns' her or something. You never actually explain why Chrysalis betrayed Cadance, and then at the end Chrysalis says that Shining will break her heart... and then what? Nothing is actually resolved, nothing was tied up.

Great for your first story, but go to this link and learn all they have to offer.

Sigmacipher

Sigmacipher #2 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·

Actually when I typed in Bastard on google translate it came out as the so called misspelled version here. Sorry if my attempts at Irish Gaelic disappoint.

BaryonBrony

BaryonBrony #3 · Mar 12th, 2015 · 1 · ·

I enjoyed this. It is a very interesting idea, worth perhaps some expanding upon. A little editing and its golden, too. I have always loved seeing Chrysalis as the devious but not entirely malevolent "grey area villain."

ValNitak Choas