The Siege of Castle Harmony

by AJ Aficionado

The Battle of Orange Heights

Despite the ruthless efficiency of the Overmare’s advance, she did not go unopposed for long. Uniting the tribes of Maregolia under one banner brought her many great enemies with numbers even she could not hope to match. Undeterred, she took advantage of her adversaries’ strengths and made them their weakness.

She would expose herself to the main body of the foe’s army with only a fraction of her force and flee. Seizing the perceived opportunity to crush the upstart Genghis and her unruly mob, her overconfident enemies charged headlong into defeat.

If the enemy was not overconfident, she would terrorize them with fast-moving attacks against their weakest point. If they built a wall to keep her out, she brought a catapult to knock it down. If the wall was too thick for the catapult she had, she found someone to build a better one. To her, every battle was fought on her terms. To her, there was no such thing as impossible — she was the irresistible force that could overcome every immobile object. I like to think we have this in common… in more ways than one.

*****

We all headed home after our first victory for a quick bite to eat and a hot bath. A smart pony doesn’t drink on an empty stomach, and a lucky mare doesn’t reek of sweat. Not that I’m not already amazing — and quite popular with the mares for some reason — but it’s bad form to not look your best when you outnumber the stallions three-to-one.

Heading out into the evening with our scarves to shield us against the frigid night, Carrot Top and I headed to The Prancing Pony, our preferred watering hole. A mere three blocks worth of staggering from my place, and even closer for the Flower Trio.

We all arrived within five minutes of one another. To spare poor Cherry the need to walk all the way back to her shop, Carrot and I decided to let her stay the night. I had an ulterior motive of course; I doubted I’d be bringing anypony else home after tonight’s festivities, and the bed is always warmer with two.

Score one for pragmatism.

We walked through the swinging double doors of the Prancing Pony Saloon: a rustic, two storied wood structure that appeared to have been teleported straight out of Appleloosa and deposited in southwest Ponyville. Taking in the room with its reek of stale smoke, I noted the mustachioed, stallion barkeep — who greeted the six of us with a wave — the pipe-smoking card players with stacks of bits in the center of their table; and a pink-maned mare in a saloon dress playing the piano. Most of the bar’s patrons were earth ponies, but I could make out a few off-duty pegasi through the haze of smoke.

After ordering our drinks and giving Lily a hard time over ordering sarsaparilla, we found a table that could accommodate our entire group.

“If somepony had told me yesterday the six of us would have annihilated the unicorn defenses so quickly, I wouldn’t have believed it. Cherry, we took out half of their team all by ourselves!” I slammed the table with my hoof.

“Eh, we did okay I suppose,” Cherry said nonchalantly, though her proud expression betrayed her true feelings.

“Just okay? We took them out in less than two minutes! Lily, you and Carrot Top rode together for only the third time, and already got your first kill,” I continued.

“Well, that’s putting it a bit harshly. All I did was hit the mare with a snowball…” Lily looked at me with something approaching horror, as if I was speaking literally.

Carrot Top ran a hoof through her prospective marefriend’s mane. “Don’t mind Linky, dear. She has a rather savage manner of speaking. I made her promise not to eat any of us, so you have nothing to fear.”

I stuck my tongue out at her as the others laughed.

I smiled and signaled for silence. “Rose, you and Daisy did well in ending the game for us, though you both need to practice hard to improve your aim. Still, a deal is a deal and your first drink is on the house. Good work ladies!”

“Not everyday a mare buys me a drink!” Roseluck toasted me with her mug, throwing a foreleg around my shoulders. “I can see you and I will become the best of friends.”

“Who knows, she may one day grow to love making war more than making love,” Daisy quipped.

Roseluck finished throwing back her first hard cider and patted her belly. “Not a chance! I got my cutie mark in making love.”

That’s a new one on me. “Get out! A cutie mark in sex? You sure that’s not a cheesy pick-up line?”

“Oh no, I’m serious! I got mine back in high school after my first time. You would be surprised to learn I’m not actually much of a gardener. Most ponies assume the rose has to do with tending to flowers, but Daisy is the real green hoof in our bunch.” Roseluck patted her friend on the back.

“How in tartarus does this talent of yours work? Do you trigger this ability somehow or is it something you can’t control?” I had a mental image of stampeding stallions chasing her through the street every time she entered heat.

“It’s quite simple, Linky. When I ask a stallion for a good time, I get it. Though you fillyfoolers have nothing to fear, my powers of persuasion have no effect on mares. Unless that attraction involves jealous rage of course,” Roseluck winked and stood up. “Speaking of stallions, I’m feeling pretty lucky tonight, so if you’ll excuse me…” She walked up to the bar and started talking up a brown-maned and coated stallion at the bar.

“I wish I could tell you she was just kidding, but she’s not.” Daisy looked over at the two of them glumly. “As she said, I’m the green hoof. I’ve enjoyed gardening ever since I was a little filly and was the first in my class to get mine. Roseluck is a good salesmare as you can probably imagine, so we went into business together and started the Ponyville Flower Shop. Lily Valley came along later, and she rounded out our happy little group.” Daisy put one leg around her bashful friend’s back. “You never did tell us about how you got your cutie mark, Lily.”

“It’s personal you girls. I’m sorry.” Lily bowed her head and ears. “I’m not from Ponyville like Daisy mentioned. I come from the city of Hoofington, the industrial heart of Equestria, south of the Macintosh Hills. I didn’t like it there at all, so I moved out after my dad passed away. I came here to Ponyville so I could breathe clean air for the first time. Daisy gave me a job on the spot when I inquired, and even let me stay at her house. I really do appreciate what she did for me, even if they sometimes give me a hard time.”

“We only do it because we love you, Lily.” Daisy nuzzled her friend. “And we’re glad you came to us.”

“Such a lovely story.” Carrot Top dabbed at her eyes. “My cutie mark is pretty obvious. My family has been farming carrots for generations, and have been in Ponyville almost as long as the Apple family. While my sister Linky may not be much of a fan of the farming life, I’m quite content to do so for the rest of my life.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that, Carrot Top.” I saluted her with my drink. “You’ll make a fine headmistress of Ponyville Carrot Farm someday. But I just can’t stand it. I don’t like the waiting, and I don’t like digging. My hooves were made for running, and that is what I like to do. Though I’m not quite as fit as I used to be, I still get along fine in my thirties. My cutie mark reflects my appreciation for the leader of the former Maregolian Empire and pioneer in the field of military tactics, Genghis Hoof.”

“My best friend, the Destroyer of Empires!” Cherry proclaimed. “We’ve been hanging out since we were nine years old. It was recess and I was building my first catapult out of pencils, rubber bands, and a plastic spoon. This crazy, blue filly walks up to me and asks me to build her a weapon with which to conquer Ponyville. We didn’t get very far with my first catapult, but she told me it was okay and that ‘nothing is impossible to those who would try.’ We haven’t stopped trying since then, and it seems our time has finally arrived eh, Linky?”

“Indeed it has, Cherry,” I replied with a grin. “Cherry isn’t all about catapults and war though. She’s a super-talented mare who can shape metal with her hooves, and design flying machines from scrap. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“That was...very sweet of you to say, Linky.” She looked slightly overwhelmed for a moment. “Who are you and what have you done with my warlord friend?” she added with a note of playfulness.

“It’s the alcohol, it makes me all schmoopy-whoopy.” I hailed for another mug.

Roseluck and her new friend for the night got up to leave the bar. She gave us a wink as she walked past.

“Wish me luck, I’m going in.” Daisy made her way to the front of the bar.

“Mi Amore Cadenza be with you, sister. Good luck.” Carrot Top turned to face the remaining flower pony. “She seems to have some issues with confidence.”

“Roseluck will do that to a mare I guess,” Lily Valley replied. “I don’t care one way or the other about romance, but I suppose for normal ponies that’s the way it goes.”

The doors to the bar swung open again and a tall, orange earth pony mare with a long blonde mane and tail strode in, effortlessly toting a stack of barrels strapped to her back. The trademark stetson atop her head and three-apple cutie mark adorning her flank gave away her identity immediately.

“Applejack!” The pink mare at the piano I now recognized as Pinkie Pie had stopped playing and was now bouncing up and down.

Across the table from me, Carrot Top sighed and buried her face in her hooves.

“Well howdy, Pinkie! Fancy seeing you here. Still wearing that get-up I see.”

Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing. “I felt like a showdown was coming and I couldn’t miss it without dressing for the occasion.”

A unicorn from behind the bar thanked Applejack for the barrels and levitated them off of her back.

“‘Twern’t nothin’!” Applejack replied. “A showdown eh? Nothin’ that’s going to destroy the town I hope.”

“Hmm. I don’t think so. I didn’t get the proper signal for the destruction of the town. I distinctly remember two front-left hoof taps and not four,” Pinkie replied with certainty.

“Well, that was close! You let me know if you pick up anything else okay?” Applejack ordered herself something to drink and looked around for a seat.

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie Pie went back to playing the piano.

“Pinkie…” I shook my head slowly as she pronked her way across the room. We all love her, but as a rule, she’s best in small doses.

I waved her over with my hoof. “We got a seat open over here, Applejack.”

“Thank yeh Linky. Ya’ll keepin’ out of trouble?” She took her place in Roseluck’s old seat with cider in hoof, acknowledging Carrot Top with a nod. “Howdy neighbor, haven’t seen yeh in awhile. Yeh doin’ alright?”

Carrot Top looked slightly uncomfortable, but maintained herself. “I’m doing wonderful! Just having a drink with my friends.”

I knew Carrot Top was still a bit down about how things ended up between her and AJ, but she was tough and determined not to let it get her down. “We’re all members of Ponyville’s first earth pony snowball fighting team.” I gestured to the three remaining members of my squad. “We’re having our first little get-together after whoopin’ the unicorns.

Applejack gave a low whistle. “Land’s sake! How’d ya’ll get past their magic?”

We retold the events of the Battle of Saddle Lake, Lily visibly cringing when we told her about riding on each other’s backs.

“Not really the sort of example I’d have followed, sugarcube,” Applejack said sternly. That Genghis Hoof was a nasty piece of work. But I don’t suppose ya’ll mean any harm by it.”

“Our only intention was to win by any means available to us, and we’ve accomplished a great deal in a short time. I’m proud of our victory, and so long as there are those who would challenge us, we will keep right on winning.” I thumped the table with my hoof for good measure.

“Here! Here!” Cherry raised her mug. The others followed suit.

“Hmph! You sound like a certain pegasus friend of mine. She tries to be the best at everything, and more often than not she succeeds. Just remember that as remarkable as she is — or you for that matter — you’ll eventually meet somepony else who can do your job.” The freckled farmer tipped the brim of her stetson up and took a long drink.

“There may be one who will come after, but not while I still live!” I said proudly.

“You really are a lot like Rainbow Dash, Linky. Ah wish ya’ll the best of luck, and don’t go burnin’ down nopony’s house ya hear?” Applejack joked.

“You’re no fun! But seriously, you should join us sometime. I’m sure your rodeo skills would make you nigh impossible to hit.” She ain’t bad looking either! I thought to myself. No wonder Carrot Top got so broken up about losing her…

“I’ll think about it, sugarcube. Not much to do around the farm in winter, and things have been pretty quiet. I should probably be headin’ back to Sweet Apple Acres to pick up the last load of cider. It was nice seeing you again, Carrot Top. Have fun everypony!” Applejack finished off the last of her cider in one gulp and made her way out the door, her powerful flanks drawing my eye…

I mentally castigated myself for the breach of conduct and resolved to order another drink to get me thinking straight.

Carrot Top giggled and pointed towards the front of the bar. “Looks like our new friend found herself a friend.”

Daisy was locked in a passionate kiss with a pegasus mare which brought cheers from the stallions in the bar.

“I had no idea she liked mares!” Lily Valley brought her hoof to her mouth as she watched the scene unfold.

“Well played, stranger.” Carrot Top saluted the anonymous mare as her equal.

“Hopefully she isn’t consorting with the enemy,” I said only half-jokingly.

Cherry Berry snorted. “That would be a good idea if we had any idea what we’re doing. Linky, what are we supposed to do against an aerial opponent? From what you’ve said, Genghis didn’t have much of a plan either, and things didn’t end well.”

So much for a peaceful night of drinking. So much for my assumption that my crew would just enjoy themselves for one night. “By the time the Maregols faced the griffons, Genghis Hoof was dead from old age. Had she have been alive they would have succeeded — somehow. Instead, they attempted to strike them down from the air with massed crossbow volleys. A fine idea against a single mass of enemies; except the Griffons would just split up and hit them from different angles. Basically, they used their superior maneuverability much the way Genghis did and with deadly results. I don’t think massing our forces against the pegasi will do us any favors either.”

Lily Valley — who had to this point been staring off into space — snapped to attention. “Cherry, is there any kind of weapon you can build that would let us hit the pegasi in the air?“

Working against the alcohol slowing her brain, Cherry nodded in the affirmative. “There are plenty of options open to us, but most of them involve firing arrows. The Pegasi may take offense if we start trying to kill them with crossbows, so our best bet is a modified slingshot. That should allow us to fire snowballs with speed and accuracy without them shattering.”

“So if we can shoot up at the pegasi, then we should be okay right? We’ll just do what the unicorns did.” Lily Valley smiled.

I stared at her blankly wondering what she getting at. “We don’t know exactly how they fought the pegasi off, only that they fired up at them with magic.”

“I’m ashamed of you, Linky! What would Genghis Hoof say?” Cherry Berry pointed an an accusing hoof at me. “We’ll be turrets!”

“Turrets…” I muttered, trying to think through the cider clouding my brain. “Turrets! Good thinking Lily! Not really a tactic I’m looking forward to using, but it can’t work any worse than mounting.”

Carrot Top gave Lily an appreciative pat on the back.

We sat there in silence for awhile after ordering another drink, when Daisy finally returned with her pegasus friend. She had a light orange coat, a curly pink mane and tail with a light pink streak,, and fuchsia rose eyes. A real looker, and yet she appeared to be even older than me. Her wing feathers were ruffled — from her earlier display with Daisy no doubt!

“Taking prisoners already, Daisy?” I gave her a lewd look.

“I think the shoe is on the other hoof, sister!” Carrot Top said with a hearty laugh.

“Hello. ladies. My name is Orange Swirl, but you can call me ‘Dizzy Twister’. I hope you won’t mind too much if I escort your friend home?”

“Not at all, but mind you don’t use my room. It’s the one with the lilies on the door.” Lily clopped her forehooves together nervously.

‘Don’t worry about it Lily, I’m sure Roseluck has taken your room anyway,” Daisy joked before the two of them headed out the door, with Dizzy Twister following along behind pushing her prize out the door.

“Oh very funny! You two better not...ugh!” Lily kicked the table in frustration.

“She’s just kidding Lily. Let it go, remember?” Carrot Top said gently.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just” — Lily Valley sighed — “forget it. So how does this turret thing you were talking about work?”

We spent the rest of the night talking tactics, slingshots, and making war with the pegasi. All the while, the drinks just kept coming and coming...

*****

After a day’s worth of recovering from the mother of all hangovers, I vowed never to get that drunk again. I had an ursa-sized headache, spent half the morning throwing up, and I never did get laid that night. Genghis Hoof was right: if one does not drink at all, what can be better?

Some good did come of all the discussion thankfully. Lily Valley remembered most of what we were talking about — having been sober the entire time — and took a keen interest in developing an anti-pegasus defense strategy.

She’s a mare to be held in highest esteem. Genghis Hoof would be proud of her.

Roseluck and Daisy enjoyed their night a bit more than the rest of us. For the rose vendor, it was just another conquest but for Daisy, it was a lifesaver. The defeated mare I saw at the bar was transformed into the strutting Princess of Posies. By some strange coincidence, the pegasus was also one of our soon-to-be enemies. I tasked Daisy to get as much information about pegasi fighting strategy as possible from her new marefriend.

“My first marefriend in years, and you want me to turn her into a traitor to help us win a snowball fight. What’s next Linky, replace the snowballs with arrows?” Daisy asked rhetorically.

I thought about telling about how arrows came up at the bar, but decided against it. “I realize it isn’t entirely fair, but the Chineighese fought fair and they lost!”

Daisy’s ears drooped, her face sullen.

So much for the iron hoof approach. I’d have to play it reasonable. “Look at it this way, Daisy. The pegasi have already seen us fight, so all you’d be doing is leveling the field. You don’t want to lose for her sake do you?”

The look on Daisy’s face suggested I may not be far off.

“Just be casual about it. Ask her about her previous matches with the unicorns, and let me know how they handled them. Blossomforth did mention the unicorns fired up at them during their battle so it can’t be that top secret…”

Okay, okay! I’ll ask her about it.” Daisy sighed and rubbed the back of her head with her hoof.

Standing in the snowy field near the junk pile behind Cherry’s Shop, Cherry and I issued the four their new leg-mounted slingbows, a crossbow and slingshot hybrid. “A bit different from the slingshots that took down Chief Thunderhooves, but vastly more effective. All you need to do is load the strap with your free hoof and pull back on it with your teeth. It’s very accurate with practice, and has a fast load speed.” I gestured towards one of six targets set up for us to train.

I scooped up a ball of snow with my right hoof, placing it in the pouch, before taking aim and firing at a target setup in the field, striking slightly above the bulls-eye at twenty yards. I definitely need more practice, I thought to myself. “Now you try it.”

I stood by and watched as the four launched volleys into the targets. Cherry and I had already practiced, and she proved to be a crack shot. I was not as naturally gifted.

Neither were Lily and Carrot Top, I noticed. Lily had difficulty steadying her aim while firing with her teeth. The problem was made worse as she became progressively more frustrated by continued failure. Carrot Top might have been a help, but she was in the same boat as Lily.

“I must be daft! Can I just carry the cocoa or something, Linky? I’m awful at this!” Carrot Top groused, snorting angrily.

Roseluck and Daisy on the other hoof, were amazing shots. Her first show flew far over the top of the target, but once she figured out how to aim the weapon properly, her aim was perfect, scoring bullseye after bullseye.

“Don’t be jealous girls, I’m sure it’s just luck,” She said as she set up and fired, the ball sailing gracefully into the bullseye once again.

For a moment, I couldn’t tell if Lily was going to scream, cry, or clobber Rose to death with her slingbow.

Cherry took pity on her and showed her how to aim again.

Daisy took a bit more time to master her aim, but after fifteen shots, was about as good as Roseluck.

“Looking good Daisy!” I gave her a pat on the back after scoring her third consecutive bullseye.

“Was there ever any doubt?” she replied with a hoof on her chest, looking and sounding vaguely familiar to somepony else I’ve met.

After our first day of practice, Lily and Carrot managed their first bullseyes but were still far behind the rest of the group.

On our second day of practice, it was Lily’s chance to shine. Inspired by our discussion at the bar, she showed off her design for an anti-pegasi trench configuration. Using our pony-powered snowplows normally used for wrapping up winter, we dug out a circular trench three feet deep while Cherry excused herself to go get the pedalcopter ready. It was time for some practical training.

“Why a circle, Lily?” Daisy asked.

“It will allow us protection without exposing more than one pony at a time to a pegasi strafing run!” Lily proclaimed. “If we use straight lines, they can throw right down the trench and be sure of hitting something. But if the trench is curved, they can’t do that!”

Lily for the first time seemed to really be enjoying the spotlight, having seemed to have come into her own as a tactician. Good for her! I thought to myself. If I ever do decide to take over the world, she is coming with me! I already understood the concept of using a circle, but I wanted her to be the one to explain it to the others.

“The idea is if we’re all in different places in our trench, our chances of getting hit by the enemy are greatly diminished. We will still be covered on all sides, but if one of us goes down, we won’t have to worry about losing everypony,” Lily continued.

“How will we know who to fire on? They’re going to be flying all around us and spoiling our aim!” Carrot Top pantomimed a confused pony with a slingbow pointing every which way.

“There are two possibilities: we fire center mass at the group all at once if they’re dumb enough to be all bunched up, or we tackle them one on one if they split up.” Lily Valley pointed up at the sky, demonstrating how angles favor them. “In the first case, we target a cluster of them at once, in the second, we use our faster snowball velocity to gain an advantage. My biggest worry is they feint a dive, get us to fire our one shot, and then rush us before we reload.”

“Glad to see you’re thinking realistically about this, Lily. We can’t assume any one trick will work with the pegasi,” I nodded sagely. “I think a real good idea is to test our reload speed on Cherry’s pedalcopter. Hitting a moving target is no fun, and we all need to learn how to lead the target. That is to say, we fire where they will be and not where they’re at.”

The rest of the day was spent doing just that. Roseluck continued to dominate in the marksmanship department, and I began to suspect stallions aren’t the only thing she’s lucky with. Cherry’s pedalcopter wasn’t much of a replacement for the highly-maneuverable pegasi, but it would do for a practice target. I estimated that we had about two or three passes to make our first kill before the pegasi adapted and wiped us out, not the best odds or the most optimistic assessment, but we were green and they were not. If I was right we would all need to get lucky in a few days.

Our first big breakthrough in the intelligence wars came only one day away from the scheduled battle. Daisy stopped by my house the morning before the match and presented a believable assessment of pegasi capabilities after having preened the information from her marefriend’s sensitive wings. It confirmed our greatest fears: they’d adapted to the rapid fire of the unicorns by feigning a dive, scattering when facing determined resistance, and approaching from a different angle. They each carried saddlebags full of snowballs alleviating the need to come to the ground to reload, and were quick to find openings in their adversaries’ defenses.

“She made us sound pretty hopeless, Boss.” Daisy looked down at her pancakes sadly as if they held the secret to ultimate success, but would not answer.

“Of course that’s what she would say, she’s the enemy,” I replied casually. “She doesn’t want us to think we have any chance of winning. And why would she? If she possesses even a hint of warriors pride, she will have told you just enough to give you the impression that resistance was futile, and let you crawl back to your friends to boast of their greatness, and infect them with your defeatism. It’s certainly what I would do.”

“Why send me at all then if I’m just going to be a pawn in their game?” she said heatedly.

“I wanted information on their capabilities and you got it; for that I am appreciative.” I poured her some coffee. “I’m going to level with you: we’re up against a formidable opponent with a biological advantage. I’d rather be in their horseshoes than ours. You should probably eat your pancakes they’re going to get cold…”

“Oh right! Sorry.” Skipping the knife and fork she began to wolf down her pancakes right off the plate before licking it clean as I cringed in horror.

“You aren’t nearly as sorry as I am from having to witness that.” How this mare became the emissary of the Flower Trio I will never know. “My point is the pegasi have never faced us and they will be on the same learning curve as us. If they really do believe they’ve already won, then they’ll be unprepared when the battle comes. This can all be to our advantage.”

“Ain’t nothing getting in the way of your conquest, eh Linky?” Daisy said playfully.

“We did beat the unicorns just a couple minutes, so don’t count us out just yet!” I took a sip of coffee.

“Point taken,” Daisy conceded. “Oh and Dizzy says the pegasi have been planning to see us about the final details of the fight. Are we going to hold it over at Cherry’s Shop?”

“Nah, that’s too long of a walk. Ponyville Carrot Farm will offer us good visibility, and access to Sweet Apple Acres and their vast stores of baked goods.” I might also get a chance to show Applejack what these hooves can do in a fight, but I kept that thought to myself.

“I like the way you think, Boss!” Daisy rubbed her stomach.

After finishing breakfast, we sat around talking about tactics some more until Carrot Top finished up with her curls in the bathroom. It occurred to me that Daisy had about as much warrior in her as Lily Valley — none whatsoever — but she listened well, and was easy to motivate with a simple bribe like Lily was. For Daisy, it was food and drink and for Lily it was just to be the center of affirmative interaction. Combined with Roseluck’s ‘luck,’ I was beginning to feel better about our odds. We may not have been born members of the warrior race, but these ponies all found a reason to follow me. I would not let them down tomorrow no matter what!

After finally finishing up in the bathroom, Carrot Top joined us in the living room.

“Took you long enough!” I teased.

“Oh I’m sorry, Linky, it’s just that your mirror image was asking me about why you two haven’t been seeing as much of each other.” Carrot Top stuck her tongue out at me, and left to get something from her room.

I really need to quit walking into that. Scratch that, she needs to quit walking into me doing that!

Daisy looked up at me with a wary expression, ”Do I even want to know?”

“She’s just jealous because of what I’ve got,” I whispered back.

“Riiiiiiiight…”

I heard knocking at the door. Doing the only rational thing, I got up to open it. I was greeted by Blossomforth, Daisy’s marefriend, Dizzy, and four other pegasi mares.

Altocumulous Lenticularis, we meet at last!

“Hello again, Linky. I trust you’ve been preparing for battle?” My white-coated rival gave a polite bow.

“Well I could but where would be the fun in that?” I waited to see how they’d react. Yeah, I’d sent Daisy to do recon, but you can never be too prepared. I let the six of them inside.

“I told you, Blossomforth, Linky here knows what’s up!” said one of the mares, a lovely jasmine-coated mare with Tiffany blue mane and tail. “All work and no play makes Raindrops a dull mare.”

Blossomforth shook her head, grinning. “You aren’t fooling anypony you know, Linky. But where are my manners? Let me introduce you to the others.” She gestured towards a huge, dark gray stallion with blue-silver mane. “This is Thunderlane.”

I can’t wait to tell Roseluck about this guy! I thought to myself. She’ll have all the motivation in the world to win this one for us!

“Nice catapult you got out there! I can’t wait to see what these ladies throw at us.” Thunderlane said pleasantly.

“The name’s Medley,” — the Celeste-coated mare with dark green mane and tail gave a perfunctory wave — “Blossomforth has told us all about your curious tactics in your victory against the unicorns. While an admirable feat to be sure, I cannot fathom how that helps you against us.”

“Neither can I, Medley. I suppose we’ll need to think of something else, huh?” Nice try Rain Flanks, but I will give you nothing!

The final unidentified pegasus — another mare — with a lavender blue, coat, jasmine mane and tail with a lemon chiffon streak, threw open her wings to their full length. “Forgive me for having to introduce myself to you, Linky. I wish I could say we’d already been acquainted. My name is Cloud Kicker and I make it a note to know all of Ponyville’s most attractive mares...”

“She’s really not that choosy,” Carrot Top cut in, an ugly look on her face.

“Now now, Carrot Top. Not all of us are trying to hide our real special talent. I’m good at ponies and that’s what I do. You hold down who you are and it isn’t healthy. Lucky for you, I’m willing to help you get back into the game.” Cloud Kicker’s orchid eyes locked with Carrot’s...

“Let me show you how it’s done Cloudkicker.” Dizzy Twister walked straight up to Daisy and kissed her deeply.

“You’re all so accomplished at making love, I can’t see how you find the time to prepare for war,” I joked.

“Enough!” Blossomforth shouted, causing Dizzy and Daisy to separate. “We are here to challenge them, not rut their brains out. Linky, have you decided where your home field will be?”

“We’ll make our stand on the easternmost hill at Orange Heights near the border of Sweet Apple Acres.” I watched Blossomforth’s eyebrows disappear into her mane.

“You’ll fight so close to the sky? You six really are up to something.” Blossomforth eyed me suspiciously.

“Ha! A pun about height from a pegasus!” Carrot Top snorted and began to laugh.

“Walked right into that one, Blossom. It’s okay though, you still got the nicest flanks of anyone here, and I’m willing to give you a mercy rut,” Cloud Kicker offered consolingly.

Blossomforth’s face achieved a shade of red that almost matched her mane. “We’re done here! We’ll arrive at noon tomorrow to assault your position. If Cloud Kicker here doesn’t assault it first!” She skulked out of the house and took off into the sky, presumably to start the next storm. The others following closely behind.

Hanging back, Cloud Kicker gave me one last look. “Don’t listen to her. I have the utmost respect for everypony’s position. Perhaps I’ll get a good look at yours sometime. Bye Bye!” She took off into the sky.

“Ugh! That pony is a vile, disgusting savage!” Carrot Top spat.

“Actually she’s pretty cute and has a strange sort of charm to her. I bet she really enjoys her weekends.” I couldn’t help but warm a bit at the thought of taking her up on her offer.

“You’re mental, the both of you! I wonder if she has a mirror me too...” Carrot Top mused.

“I’ll ask her after we’d knocked them all out of the sky. We need to get started on building our trench. Tonight, we sleep at the farm; tomorrow, we win!” I rubbed my two front hooves together. We had a lot of work to do.

*****

After making arrangements with the caretaker of Ponyville Carrot Farm, we got ourselves settled in. By the time the sun rose on the day of battle, another foot of snow had fallen. Setting up our defenses was a chore that required us to clear a path to the hill first. Whoever said getting there is half the fun was clearly not an earth pony.

While we labored, Daisy had the bright idea of fetching us all some food for Sweet Apple Acres. Minutes later we were munching on apple fritters, apple strudel, and apple pie.

We finished with two hours to spare. Orange Heights, the name we ponies gave to the normally carrot-covered green hills on the northeast end of the carrot farm had a clear view of the sky with the trees having shed their leaves. Looking southeast, the ranch house and it’s fields and out buildings were all clearly visible under a blanket of snow. Applejack and her little sister Apple Bloom were interested to hear about the battle from Daisy and told her they would watch it from their house.

We built up the wall of our trench so that we would receive equal protection from all sides since we’d built on an incline. Lily kept looking up for signs of the enemy, but all she saw were birds.

Around fifteethe n minutes until start of battle, we heard somepony playing the violin. A moody tune, that spoke of a harsh wilderness filled with sorrow and strife. It was beautiful but sad. I looked around for the pony playing it.

I saw her dressed in a yellow robe with many strange and wonderful patterns etched in green thread that covered her whole body. A Maregolian uniform. I couldn’t make out who she was, only that by the shape of her muzzle it was a mare, and she was sitting on a stump about fifty yards north of our position, further down the hill.

“What in Tartarus is that pony doing out there?” Cherry Berry pointed at the equine aberration.

“I’d go down and ask her myself, but it’s about noon. I don’t want to get caught outside the trench.” I called down to the mysterious Maregol, and she looked at me and waved before turning her back and trotting off with the violin in her teeth. That was...random!

Above us, the partly cloudy sky revealed six pegasi flying in from the northwest.

“Look lively, ponies! The enemy is here!” I shouted, loading my slingbow.

Roseluck brought her first snowball to her lips and said a quiet prayer — most likely to Mi Amore Cadenza for a shot at Thunderlane — and loaded her slingbow as well.

The six streaking pegasi converged on a point just over our head and began to spin, faster and faster, until they’d created a huge, lens-shaped cloud that hovered ominously over us like a flying saucer from beyond the starry curtain. Their handiwork completed, the six shot back up behind their cloud curtain while we waited.

“We’re going to die!” Lily proclaimed.

“Lily dear, it’s a cloud. They make clouds all the time!” Carrot Top said somewhat irritably.

“But it’s a scary cloud!” Lily’s ears splayed back as she considered the doom that awaited us.

“If you’re afraid, don’t do it. if you’re already doing it, don’t be afraid!” I spoke with uncharacteristic force that took even myself by surprise once more.

“Eep! Sorry, Linky! I’ll just be waiting then…” Lily loaded and took aim up at the sky.

We were arranged in the circle trench with myself at twelve o’clock facing north and Daisy at six o’clock. Ten and two were claimed by Cherry Berry and Carrot Top, with Lily Valley claiming eight, and Roseluck claiming four. Whoever was the first to see the attack angle would call it out, and everyone would turn to fire in that direction. Things would get slightly more complicated if they split up, but I told them to support the pony closest to you under threat in the event of multiple threats.

The first attack came from three and nine o’clock. In groups of three they flew in low and strafed us with snowballs thrown from both of their front hooves. Supporting Cherry while Daisy supported Carrot Top, I nearly scored a hit on Blossomforth twice: my first on the approach where she thought she was out of my range — big mistake there, sweetie — and my second after they passed. Thunderlane, who hadn’t seen his leader’s mistake, was struck while hovering at what he thought was a safe distance.

“Anyone hit?” I asked.

“They killed me, Linky.” said Cherry matter-of-factly. “It looks like we got one of theirs though.”

Thunderlane circled low and landed outside the trench near Roseluck who looked as if Hearth’s Warming Eve had just come early.

“Nice shot, Rose.” Thunderlane sighed. “I always get killed first.”

“You’re pretty hard to miss handsome!” she replied seductively.

With Cherry down, I moved to one o’clock.

The pegasi did a pass just out of our range to scout us out. They weren’t about to make the mistake of assuming we couldn’t hit them at range. Taking note of our new position they massed themselves and swung in from twelve o’clock to take advantage of our weakened position.

“Fire one to scatter and one to kill. Bring them down!” I shouted.

I saw the pegasi drift apart moving to different altitudes to baffle us. A similar idea to our circle trench to decrease their chances of being hit. Our first volley was very close, disrupting their formation badly. When they passed over our trench, we all fired off our second volley at near point-blank range. At least eight snowballs has passed all around me and somehow missed, but my own shot struck Medley in the belly.

My celebration was cut short when I realized that I was the only one to score a hit, and that Lily and Daisy were both history. Fortunately for us, the pegasi did not immediately turn to finish us off. I considered that a poor tactical decision of their part, but I then again I can’t fly so maybe I’m wrong.

“I’m sorry, Linky! I was so close, but I just couldn’t tell where they were. It all happens so fast…” Lily’s eyes began to tear up.

“Don’t yeh worry Lily, I’m going to wring their feathery necks for yeh!” said Carrot Top, our parents Coltic accent coming through as thick as I can remember.

“Good luck you three! Kick their flanks for us!” Daisy shouted and the two left the trench.

“They’re going to repeat what just worked for them. We need to get lucky, gals! Roseluck, I want you to fire as many shots into their formation as you can to keep them off balance, while we put away anypony who gets near our trench. Since there are so few of us, we face them in a triangle formation. I’ll take the peak.”

“Yes ma’am!” Roseluck loaded again.

Seems I read their intentions well as they wheeled around lazily after their pass, re-adjusted to compensate for the loss of another pony, and continued forward towards ten o’clock. I could almost sense the latent smug coming off of them. I hate smug!

They launched straight towards ten o’clock and I took up position. Behind me my comrades were forming the base of my triangle. Flying towards us at top speed, they suddenly split into two and sailed around us firing one-hoofed. Big mistake! After missing with my first shot, my second slammed into the side of Cloud Kicker as she flew past. Roseluck by chance also dealt a lucky blow to Raindrops before they reached us.

Sadly, it would be Roseluck’s last service to the cause as the pegasi gunned her down with retaliatory snowball fire.

“You fought bravely, Rosebutt. Great work, we’re all tied up!”

The two remaining pegasi conferred with each other and began to circle our trench, flying in opposite directions. It seems that once their numbers had depleted, the pegasi go in for one last all-or-nothing struggle.

“Get ready to fire as quickly as you can, Carrot Top! They’ll be on top of us at any moment!” I loaded my slingbow and tried to decide who I’d target. Their spinning was starting to make me dizzy. I hoped they were on the verge of puking themselves.

“Come down here and pay for messing with my Lily!” Carrot Top demanded.

Whether they heard her or chose that moment I can’t be sure, but the two chose that moment to his us from opposite directions. Blossomforth struck first, missing me by mere inches. Determined to make her pay I fired back and missed. Horseapples! She quickly snatched another snowball and launched herself at me to close the distance while I struggled to reload...

*splat!*

“No!” Blossomforth hung her head, still suspended by her wings, and she knew that she’d been beat. Carrot Top had not only somehow dispatched Dizzy Twister, but saved my rump for good measure.

“Way to go Carrot! Woohoooooo!” I did a silly victory dance in the trench.

She didn’t seem to have heard me though. She was giving Lily a hug, and I noticed Lily was returning the gesture, running a hoof through her forelock. Nice!

“I wouldn’t have believed it I hadn’t been there to see it: A group of earth ponies with slingshots shooting us out of the sky! Your tactics are unsettling to say the least, but they were no doubt effective.” The others nodded as Medley spoke. “Truly you were born to be the punishment of the goddesses as your hero had been. Congratulations on your victory, Linky, we look forward to facing you again.”

“Ugh! So close. Guess you beating the unis wasn’t a fluke after all. You earth ponies really are made of stern stuff! We’ll be wanting a rematch!” Blossomforth added, as if she was worried I might run off laughing.

“Later. Lets enjoy Hearth’s Warming, and then all three of our teams can get together and put something together.” After clopping hooves, I left Blossomforth to rejoin my team who themselves had been joined by the Apple Clan: Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Big Mac.

“Sure wish ah coulda been up here to see it all happen. Ya’ll must be proud.” Applejack tipped the brim of her stetson to us.

“Eeyep!” Big Macintosh added.

“Cain ah join too? I wanna get mah cutie mark!” The little filly looked up at me expectantly.

“Sorry kiddo. Maybe when you’re older,” I replied gently.

“Awwww!” The little filly’s ears and even her the big, red bow tied to her mane seemed to sag with disappointment.

“Up for another trip into town, ladies?” I asked everypony. Having been denied another shot at earning a cutie mark, Apple Bloom had taken the powder.

“How about ya’ll have dinner at mah place? I reckon we can spare another keg of cider.” Applejack winked at me. “Perhaps two for this mare’s thirst!”

I felt embarrassed for the fact that I was being viewed as a heavy drinker. “I might have a sip or two, but I promise not to have any more than that. We appreciate your gracious offer and accept.” I bowed to the apple farmer respectfully.

After agreeing to meet up later with everypony, I left with Carrot Top.

Walking over country roads back to main road, I couldn’t help but mention what I’d seen after the battle ended. “Hey sis?”

“What is it, Linky?” Carrot Top seemed someone worried about my tone.

“I know you don’t like to talk about it, but I just want to say that I’m happy for you. You two are a great fit for each other and I’m really pulling for you both to get together.” I put a comforting hoof on her back.

“I guess I am pretty obvious.” She sighed and shook her head, but nuzzled me back. ”Thank you, Linky.”

I returned the gesture and we continued on home without comment, intending to get cleaned up as quickly as possible. I made a promise not to get completely smashed this time around.

Comments

[Mare Serenitis]

catmacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/its_beautiful.jpg?w=720

Upped & tagged.
This is glorious. Maybe in need of a little love, but still glorious nontheless.

[AJ Aficionado]

6130318 Once AGP is done, I'd like to work on this again. It's been a lot of fun to write, but to be perfectly honest with you, it has numerous problems. Now if you'll excuse me, let me take the time to negatively review my own story:

1. Linky is too many things all at once to be believable as a main character. Why the hell does she care about liking mares? She's Genghis Khan! With Roseluck I took time to explain why this little detail of her character mattered and incorporated into the main storyline. In this story it adds nothing and serves as a distraction. Bleh. When I do re-write this, that's going in the trash. She likes mares and that's it. End of story.

2. The attempted love triangle sucks - see problem one. Yeah I borrowed heavily from this to create AGP didn't I?

3. This isn't M-rated so no F/F. Seriously, why would I do that to myself? That's just cruel...

I pretty much have to re-create the entire thing from scratch.

[Mare Serenitis]

To be perfectly honest the whole story works pretty well (so far), and I enjoyed reading it immensely.
But obviously, I don't know what you have planned or which parts conflict with that and thus make them bad etc.

I will say that while reading I was most drawn by the general japery involved in the snowballing and the preparations beforehand, and the banter between characters is especially amusing.
The bits of worldbuilding and history are p. interesting too and I would totally not be disappointed to see more of that.

You're right about Linky being 'too much all at once' though. The problem being that reading her is currently very enjoyable just because she is a little OTT, and that makes her all the more endearing as a character because she's such an eccentric oddball compared to the others.
Finding a way to temper that without making her bland is what's going to be probably the biggest task.

The love triangle thing probably was a bit silly. No huge loss.
And the story works just fine being clop-free and concentrating on silliness and purient humour. But like a good mare, it would work fine both ways.

Yeah. It deffo needs a little polish, but I think you might be a little over critical of yourself (as we all tend to be).
Even if you kept writing as-is I'd read and save because it's an enjoyable story, and that's the point isn't it?

Maybe related/useful/amusing?
There was a waterballoon related feud mentioned in the other story which may (or may not) be connected to the events in this one, and I've had this thought bugging me of Linky and her antagonist eventually getting into to a standup blazing row over some stupid thing or other and ending up like this:

Things like this make me laugh more than they probably should do.
I'll get my coat....

[AJ Aficionado]

6133466 I'm really happy that at least one person on fimfiction actually enjoyed Linky. In reading your message, you've made me realize something else too: the fact that she can't figure out she wants to bang a mare isn't a problem, it's just adding to her general wackiness that she can't even figure out her own sexual preference! In a re-write I will keep that aspect of it, and just jettison the useless triangle.

Linky wouldn't change much in a re-write; she'd be the same wonderful furry ball of Mongolian barbarism with the drama angle mercifully killed. AGP did drama just fine, this story didn't. I think my favorite part about Linky is when she's just sitting around the house with Roseluck talking. History doesn't record much about Genghis Khan's domestic life, so I get to indulge myself in a bit of speculation about such a larger than life figure making casual conversation.

The biggest issue of all is the fact that no one seems to want to read this. No matter what I do, it's a lose/lose scenario. I could easily make this story 100,000 words long and not have it feel its length, but if no one reads it, than who cares? If one nerd knocks over a tree in the forest and no one is there to see it, not even Fluttershy will give a damn. You get the idea...

[Mare Serenitis]

6133766 Yeah. And it's super hard to be motivated and positive about something if literally no-one cares.
I know dude. Been on this train a few times.
All you can do is your best. Even if no-one saw you push that tree over, you still know you did it.
Thanks for writing this though, you've made at least one person smile.

The just sitting around talking stuff is something I wish more stories would make greater use of.
Character interaction is literary catnip, and if some of those characters happen to be unique and otherwise enjoyable to read it only makes it better.

Also when things get tidied up, would you consider writing Linky and Carrot as having vaguely Caledonian accents similar to how they're written in AGP?
It is just too perfect. (And damn hillarious.)

[AJ Aficionado]

6133899 Aye, I think I kin manage that, but I cannae break the law of physics!

Thanks for the watch!

[Mare Serenitis]

6135118 Neigh problem.

Just looking through some episode stuff, and given the context in your stories it's quite amusing just how often Cherry and Linky are together.

And someone really needs to throw being schooled by Fluttershy at Linky in some future banter session, I'm sure that wouldn't cause any kind of amusing fallout whatsoever.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131107232133/mlp/images/thumb/2/2b/Fluttershy_angry_S02E19.png/640px-Fluttershy_angry_S02E19.png

[AJ Aficionado]

6136461 I know exactly where to put that scene in my story! It will be great.

Cherry and Linky do show up in the same place quite a lot which was something I considered. Carrot Top and Linky being sisters comes from the the number of times they show up together as well. This Bluemeganium art cinched it for me:

derpicdn.net/img/2014/8/24/707174/thumb.png

As a head's up, you may want to save this version of the story somewhere. At some point, I'll be taking it down and replacing it with the new version. I just hope it's clickbait-y enough to take root and prosper.

[Mare Serenitis]

6139914
Saved for posterity.
And that is some classy art.

Another interestamusing thing to have someone throw at Linky is how she nearly got crushed by a flying cart, and had to be saved by a librarian.
(And in the process produced the show's first Wilhelm scream.)
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121207081303/mlp/images/thumb/7/74/Shoeshine_is_saved_S3E05.png/640px-Shoeshine_is_saved_S3E05.png