Chapter 2: Disguises, Surprises and Pies of All Sizes
Chapter Two
Disguises, Surprises and Pies of All Sizes
It was a usual morning in the Golden Oaks Library. But, there was something that was on Twilight Sparkle's mind as she walked downstairs to prepare her breakfast.
When she entered the kitchen, she found Spike was already having his breakfast: a bowl of deep blue sapphires.
"Morning, Twilight," the baby dragon said after swallowing a mouthful of jewels.
Twilight only responded with a quiet mumble as she looked through the cabinets for a box of bran flakes.
Spike knew that her response meant that she was deep in thought.
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
"Hm? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about something," Twilight said, once she was snapped out of her thoughts. She found the box she was looking for and grabbed a bowl with her magic, before pouring in the flakes. "It's nothing important, just..."
Thoughts about what had happened last night flashed through her mind, before she continued.
"Spike," she began, "Did you hear anything strange last night?"
"No," Spike said through a mouthful, "I slept soundly the whole night. Why? What did you hear?"
Twilight briefly thought things over in her head. Ever since she had moved to Ponyville, strange and interesting things happened to herself and her friends at least once a week.
"It's probably nothing. But, sometime around five or five-thirty, I heard a pack of timber wolves closer to the town than I felt comfortable with. It sounded like they were chasing something."
Spike poured the rest of the bowl of sapphires into his mouth as Twilight sat down in the chair across from him with her own bowl of food
"What makes you think that?" he asked.
"Because, they sounded like they were running really fast. But, that's not the strangest part," she grimaced contemplatively, "The strangest part is that after a while I heard a new noise. It sounded like the loudest cat I'd ever heard."
"But, timber wolves eating cats isn't really that strange. They eat just about everything, don't they?" Spike asked, as he took his dishes to the sink.
"That's not what's strange, Spike. What's really strange is that after that cat howled, the wolves started moving even faster toward Ponyville. Then, I heard a sound like a lot of wood snapping. After that: nothing."
It took Spike about a second to register what had happened in that time.
"So, what? The world's loudest cat took out a pack of timber wolves?" the dragon asked, before he started scrubbing his dishes.
"I don't know. But whatever it was, I don't think I want to meet it," Twilight said, before she took her first bite.
"Maybe it was the Sumare-ians world devouring orange monster," Spike joked.
Twilight shook her head and smiled, before taking the first bite of her breakfast.
"In any case, I think I'll go talk to Fluttershy about this. She'd probably know something about what happened last night, since she lives so close to the forest. Spike, put 'go meet Fluttershy about the noise last night' on the to-do list," she said.
Spike knew Twilight like she was his own sister. He was already finishing writing the objective down before Twilight finished speaking.
In a quaint little cottage outside of town, just on the edge of the Everfree Forest, there lived a yellow pegasus named Fluttershy. Fluttershy's dreams of living in a world of only animals were interrupted by a soft thud on her bed sheets.
She woke up and looked for the source of the impact, to find her pet, the world's surliest rabbit, Angel Bunny, pulling on her hoof, trying to get her out of bed. It was not unusual for her to be awoken like this, but something in the little, white rabbit's actions seemed to carry a sense of urgency.
"Angel Bunny? Is something wrong?" she asked her pet.
Upon seeing that his owner was awake, Angel hopped off the bed and beckoned her to the door.
Sensing his distress, Fluttershy hopped out of bed and followed him to their destination.
Angel guided Fluttershy outside to the front lawn, where the outdoor animals lived. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, aside from how many of the outdoor animals were gathered in a single spot.
Where they had gathered was around a hollow log, where a yellow dog with a black spot was caught in a most peculiar predicament: his head was stuck inside of it.
Out of her natural concern for all animals, Fluttershy trotted over to the log to assess the situation. Not knowing that this was only natural for a dog who once floated in the air due to a lack of an understanding of gravity, worry began to well up inside of her as she watched the dog struggle to pull its head loose. She began by meekly announcing herself.
"Um, excuse me, Mr. Dog?" Fluttershy asked.
The yellow dog stopped struggling.
"Hm?" the dog answered.
"I was wondering if maybe you wanted some help?"
The log bobbed up and down as the dog's head inside nodded excitedly.
Angel Bunny rolled his eyes. Of course the dog needed help. If anything, it needed a brain transplant. How could any dog be stupid enough to get its head stuck in a log?
To Fluttershy and Angel, the dog seemed to be taking this situation far too well. Almost as if it had dealt with worse things. Or, more likely, it didn't understand just what situation it was in.
Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, the dog's vastly over-sized tongue shot out of a knothole in the log, giving both Fluttershy and Angel a mighty lick that left them both soaked in drool.
Fluttershy took the dog's response as a 'yes' and moved to the other end of the log.
"Alright, Mr. Dog. Angel Bunny and I are going to pull you free," Fluttershy said.
Angel finished shaking most of the drool out of his fur and hopped behind Fluttershy, taking hold of her tail as Fluttershy herself took hold of the log.
"Okay, we're going to pull on three," Fluttershy said, "One...two...three."
As soon as she reached three, the dog only stepped forward, knocking her and Angel down. She guessed that there must have been a failure to communicate with the dog.
"You have to pull to, doggy," she said with a slight chuckle at the dog's delightful blunder.
The dog gave a bark that sounded strangely like the word 'right,' as if to affirm an understanding.
On the second attempt, it was established that they needed to pull in opposite directions. This time, the dog's head came free and the force of the release sent it tumbling backwards into a nearby tree.
The dog sprang back to his feet as though nothing had happened and ran over to Fluttershy to give her a 'thank you' lick, soaking her further.
"Well, it took a few tries, but at least you're alright now," Fluttershy said, not minding the sudden soak or the dog's ineptness.
Angel did, however. To him, this task should have only taken one try. Heck, it wouldn't have surprised Angel if it took this dog more than one try to learn how to breathe.
Fluttershy assessed the dog's behavior. It appeared to be very pony-friendly, so perhaps it belonged to somepony and had gotten lost. With her special affinity for animals, she decided to talk to the dog to see what she could learn.
"Mr. Dog, do you have an owner?"
The dog nodded energetically.
"Do you know where they are?"
The dog shook its head 'no.'
"Well, then would you like to live with me until we find him. I mean, if you want to."
The dog nodded again.
"Okay, doggy. Since I'm up, do you want to help me to feed the animals?"
The dog barked in affirmation and and enthusiastically ran off to start the chores without Fluttershy or Angel.
"Doggy, wait!"
Before she began running after the dog, Fluttershy noticed a small gleam just on the edge of her peripheral vision.
She turned to see that it was coming from the log the dog was just stuck inside of. Upon closer inspection the gleam turned out to be from a grime-covered stone. She took the stone in her hoof and wiped off the grime. Her breathing almost stopped when she saw the stone as it was.
The color was very unusual, being many shades of orange and red, and almost seemed to flicker like a flame. Fluttershy stared at it for a second, thinking her friend Rarity would love a stone this pretty.
She snapped out of her admiration when she felt a small tugging on her tail.
Angel Bunny had done so to direct her attention to the chicken coop, where the dog was feeding the chickens. However, he did so by grabbing them by the neck and pouring feed into their open beaks.
Fluttershy quickly ran over to correct the dog's technique.
Meanwhile, Garfield trucked on toward the town. Though it was a long way from where he started it only felt like a short distance to him. But, when he finally arrived in the town, he noticed something that was very out of place.
"Where are all the humans?" Garfield asked himself, quite astonished that there wasn't a single human in sight. Just ponies in every shade of color imaginable.
Another strange thing was their proportions: their legs were short and stubby and their eyes were huge. He also saw that some of them had wings, while others had horns on their heads.
This whole place reminded Garfield of the stash of books he once found hidden under Jon's bed. Hidden, that is, until Garfield told the press about it and had them broadcast the story on the evening news.
He noticed that each one acted like a human. Among them, he saw a gray, wall-eyed pony with wings delivering mail. Garfield was tempted to ambush her, but he was hungry and needed food. Plus, the mail mare wore no pants for him to steal.
His eyes scanned the area for food, when he saw what looked like a fruit stand loaded with apples. Garfield wasn't partial to fruit, unless it was covered in caramel, but he was too hungry to care.
He reached for an apple, but before he could take it, he was blocked by a very large, red pony with a yoke around its neck.
"Hold on there, critter. These here are for payin' customers. And I don't think you got the bits," he said, lightly chuckling at the last part.
"Hey! I'm starving and here you are keeping food from me! Animal abuse is a crime, you know," Garfield fumed at the pony. He didn't care how intimidating its size was, he was going to be fed.
The pony only chuckled more.
"Go on an' play with the other critters 'round here. I think Miss Rarity's cat'd like a playmate," it said, pushing Garfield away with its large hoof.
"Playmate my big, fat, hairy backside! Gah! Where's the ASPCA when you need them?!" Garfield said once the large pony stopped pushing him. There had to be a better way to do this. And there was.
Garfield remembered seeing that mail-pony from earlier.
As luck would have it, she was only a short ways down the street, wearing her funny-looking mail hat and carrying a satchel full of envelopes.
With all the stealth of a ninja in padded socks, Garfield quickly pulled her into the nearby bushes. The following struggle resulted in a fierce, one-sided battle with Garfield stepping out of the bushes carrying the bag and wearing the hat, both of which were to big for him.
"Hey, nice doing business with you. I never pummeled a mail-mare before," he said with a tip of his hat to his latest victim.
The grey pony hopped out of the bushes on her back, since her wings were tied to her sides and her legs were hog-tied. Her mouth was gagged with a huge stack of envelopes.
"Fanks foh wetting me keeh uh mayow, ki-ee cat," she said, before she hopped off to complete her rounds.
Garfield headed right back to the apple stand where he held a paw out, expecting an apple. He tried his best to fool the pony.
"Hey, pal. Heck of a day. I just went through snow, rain and dark of night all in one day during my rounds. How about an apple on the house for a free issue of Playcolt?" he asked the pony.
Garfield was sure this would work. His chummy shmoe routine worked plenty of times back home.
This pony was much sharper than any of his previous marks it seemed. The large stallion only flicked the hat off Garfield's head with his muzzle.
"Nice try, critter. But, you'd have to get up pretty early to pull one on Big Macintosh," the pony said.
"Yeah, my owner used to say the same thing. Until I glued him to his mattress," Garfield answered.
"WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!!!!"
The sudden ear-shattering greeting and whoosh of pink was too much for Garfield. The cat jumped six feet into the air with his hair on end.
The large stallion, however, remained stone steady.
"Howdy, Miss Pinkie," he greeted the pink mare, "Lookin' for somepony?"
"You betcha, Big Mac! My Pinkie sense told me that somepony new arrived in town. And it's up to me to make them feel welcome," the pink mare said as she picked up the orange tabby cat.
"Welcome!?" Garfield said incredulously, "I feel like I'm being abducted by the sugar rush that wouldn't die!"
"This is gonna be so much fun! I never get to have a party for animals!" Pinkie said.
"Then why start?!"
Pinkie threw Garfield into the air, and he landed on her back. Quickly, Garfield clung to her sides.
"Onward to Sugarcube Corner," Pinkie shouted.
"Did you take 'loud and obnoxious' lessons from Binkey the Clown!?"
"Hold on tight, kitty!"
As soon as she finished talking, Pinkie ran into the town at blinding speeds.
Garfield held on as tightly as he could. They ran through many streets, until he could see what looked like a house made entirely of sweets in front of him.
"There it is, dead ahead," Pinkie said to her feline passenger.
"I'm not going to find Hansel and Gretel's skeletons in the basement, am I!?" Garfield said, fearing for his life as the two of them approached the gingerbread house.
Pinkie burst in through the front doors with a shaking cat on her back.
A quick inspection, and Garfield was relieved to see that this place was a bakery. The smells of cakes and pies were absolutely everywhere. On display was just about every pastry he could name.
Garfield's joy overflowed way beyond normal capacity as he lunged ferociously at the sweets before him.
The next thing he knew, a pink hoof shot in front of his face, making him fall to the floor.
"Uh-uh, Mr. Kitty. Those are for the customers," Pinkie said with a crazy big grin.
"Customers get to sample, don't they?" Garfield said, dusting himself off.
Pinkie paid the tabby no mind and patted him energetically on the head.
"Wait here while I get your surprise set up. You can play with my alligator 'til then." And with that, she made a mad dash to wherever.
Looking over, Garfield saw purple-eyed alligator that was no bigger than himself. It just stood there, staring. Almost comical was its ability to stare.
"Alligator? You look like a pickle with legs," Garfield said, after appraising the small reptile.
"I like biting things. It makes my gums tickle," the alligator said, staring blankly ahead.
"Yeah, I like biting things too. Preferably if it's edible," Garfield said, now looking around at this wondrous place. Only in his dreams did he see such a paradise. His thoughts would have continued, if not for his reptilian company.
"The texture of food is enjoyable to bite," said the alligator, ever staring, never blinking.
Garfield groaned at his current company.
"Is this what it's like when I talk to my friends about food," he wondered aloud.
As soon as he finished speaking, the pink blur from earlier whooshed back into the room and stopped in front of a red velvet curtain that Garfield could have sworn wasn't there before.
Pinkie grabbed a golden rope that was dangling on the side.
"Preeeeeeesenting," Pinkie said, bravado filling her voice as she built the suspense until the reveal, "Your 'Super Special, Super Sweet, Super-Extra Fantabulous Welcome to Ponyville' party feast!!"
She pulled the rope she was holding and the curtains parted to reveal a sight more beautiful than any of the contents of the shop.
Behind the curtain Garfield was beholden to a very large, round table that looked like it was set up just for him. There were cupcakes with orange frosting and sprinkles on them arranged to look like his stripes, lemon squares, frozen strawberry squares, a whole assortment of flavors of ice cream to choose from, a towering cake that took up the center of the table.
This strange mare seemed to know about his affinity for Italian food as well, given the enormous bowls of pasta: spaghetti marinara, fettuccine alfredo and macaroni pesto to name only a few. Pizza upon pizza could be seen, rows upon rows of cannoli filled with every type of filling he could name, huge stacks of amaretti and biscotti were arranged to be the "corners" of this arrangement. To top this all off was the super-sized pan of lasagna with the words "Welcome to Ponyville" written in the top with mozzarella cheese.
Garfield's heart stopped for a moment when he saw this. In all his years, never before did Jon prepare a fest like this. Sure, he may have at some point, but Garfield probably ended up eating it all before he could start. As he beheld this spectacle, every bad thought Garfield had about this over-sugared beast suddenly melted away. Garfield now wondered why he ever wanted to leave this place.
"Come on, kitty! Me and Gummy can't start your party unless you party with us," said the pink mare. She was now accompanied by her alligator, and the two of them were wearing party hats.
"Please. Just let me appreciate this for a moment," Garfield said. And in absolutely no time after he finished speaking did he jump on the table and start cramming as much food as he could into his cavernous maw.
"Alright! I've never had an 'Eat as Much and Fast as You Can-Style' party!" Pinkie yelled with twice her normal enthusiasm, before she joined the tubby tabby in gorging all the food.
Needless to say, Garfield was pleased to see this.
Meanwhile, the Gummy only gnawed the table leg.
Garfield hadn't met a fellow hearty eater since Jon's four-hundred pound date, Bertha. In his short time with her, Garfield had more fun in one meal than he did during the whole of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now with this strange, pink pony, he felt like he could feel that way forever.
Pinkie sucked down a mass of spaghetti before letting out a tiny burp.
"Hmph. Amateur," Garfield scoffed. He braced himself and let out a much louder burp right in Pinkie's face.
The force of the burp sent Pinkie's party hat flying.
Pinkie recovered from the momentary shock that the burp inflicted on her and put her hat back on, tilting it forward as she glared intensely.
"So! You dare to challenge the six year burping grandmaster? Well, here it is, kitty: my Super-Spicy-Gastro-Blaster!" Pinkie said to her opponent.
She reached behind her back and whipped out a bottle of hot sauce. From where, nobody could say. In one mighty gulp, she downed the entire bottle, and tossed it to Gummy when it was empty. She breathed deeply through her nose and her face turned deep red. Sweat formed on her forehead as though there was great heat and pressure inside of her.
After the build-up, Pinkie's mane seemed to suddenly inflate as her eyes flashed into mismatched colors while she let out all of the pent up burp in her body.
Garfield was knocked off his feet by the force of the blow, but he was determined not be out-burped by someone so skinny. Shakily, he stood up and prepared his body.
"Alright, Pinkie! I'm going to uncork a burp that's considered a weapon of mass destruction in some countries. Especially when I used it to devastate half of Siberia from halfway around the world. The burp that registered 6.2 on the local Richter scale."
Garfield dramatically raised his arms up and inhaled sharply for almost ten seconds as his hands folded into various symbols, not unlike the characters in the late-night kung fu movies he liked to watch on the All B-Movie Network. He finished and his eyes glinted.
"Prepare yourself, Pink One!"
Garfield thrust his arms down and his face forward. What happened next was a thing only described by people who survived a death metal concert. A rumbling so immense it could be heard all throughout the town of Ponyville as it generated a force that blew Pinkie Pie, Gummy and everything around them against the far wall.
Everything made of glass shattered, and the walls started to shake. When it was done, all of Sugarcube Corner was in ruins.
"Trifle not with me, mere mortal," Garfield said with a smirk.
Pinkie Pie eyed the destruction around her in awe. Not that she cared about it. She jumped out of the pile of rubble, candy and baked goods that buried her with almost three times her normal enthusiasm.
"THAT WAS THE BEST BURPING CONTEST EVER!!!" Pinkie Pie shouted, brimming with glee, "YOU'RE THE BEST BURPER WHO EVER LIVED!!!"
Garfield immediately let that go to his head. The only thing he loved feeding more than his massive stomach was his equally massive ego.
"And that'll only get more powerful until it loses momentum. You'd better warn the next few towns over if you know what's good for them," Garfield said.
All was quiet at Fluttershy's cottage. Too quiet in fact. All of the animal noises had stopped completely, as though they had all suddenly migrated. When Fluttershy investigated, she found that almost all of her animal friends had taken cover or ran away.
"Um, hello?" she called out in a voice just barely more audible than her normal speaking voice.
She looked around to find any traces of her animal friends, first checking on her pet rabbit, Angel. She peeked inside Angel's bunny house to see him cowering in the corner as if he'd seen a ghost. Or something just as scary. Lots of things were scary to her.
"Angel Bunny?" Fluttershy said gently, "Is everything okay? Everyone seems to have gone away."
Angel didn't respond in any discernible way. He only jumped out of his house, and quickly burrowed deep underground.
Fluttershy was taken slightly aback by this, but then noticed the yellow dog she had met that morning standing on the bridge over the river that ran by her cottage.
He was looking in the direction of the nearby town, panting and wagging his tail as if he had not a care in the world. Fluttershy walked over to him to see if maybe he knew what was happening.
"Um, doggy, do you know why everyone is hiding?"
The dog only shrugged and then went back to staring blankly. Clearly, he had no idea what was happening. Not that he seemed to ever know. Him standing on the edge of the table for Angel to boot him off three times just in the morning were testament to that.
That's when they heard the noise. Something which sounded like wood cracking as if all the trees in the forest were being knocked over.
Then the entire cottage was hit with a force that blew Fluttershy and the dog off their feet and into the river. Oddly, the force that hit them smelled like sweets.
The cottage itself shook violently, as the windows shattered and furniture could be heard breaking on the inside.
The force itself soon passed, leaving Fluttershy shaken and scared. She knew she couldn't stay in the river shivering, though. She had animals to check on. She jumped to her feet to begin taking role of every animal there.
"Come on, doggy! We have to make sure everypony is okay," Fluttershy said rushing to her house.
It seemed that the dog had other plans. He knew there was only one person (or cat, more accurately) who could produce such a force. His only thought was to run in the direction of his best friend, and hope he somehow had his dingleball.
Fluttershy turned to see the dog running in the direction towards town.
"Doggy! Doggy come back! We have to check on everyone!"
Fluttershy would have let him run off and checked on all of her animal friends if she wasn't convinced the dog would get himself hurt with his aloof behavior and apparent lack of intelligence. She decided to put Angel in charge of checking of everyone, before she flew after the dog in an attempt to guide him back to her house.
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GARFIELD IS THE WINNER
5347007 What a co-inky-dink. I still love reading the comics.
5335395 Don't you worry, there will be more. And I will keep it funny as hell.
Intriguing. I shall have to keep an eye on this story.
If ponies don't eat meat, then there can't be any sausage for lasagna!
5557576 I thought about that, but then I realized which pony we were talking about here. Because come on, what's lasagna without sausage. And if you don't know this: there's such a thing as lasagna alfredo, and it's friggin awesome.
Didn't notice.
Two things of note: if the burp only gains more force as it moves outward, Appleloosa is gonna be in trouble!
Second thing of note: At first I thought Canterlot would be fine (being higher than Ponyville) but it's built on a mountain at about a forty-five degree angle slope. That means when the burp hits it, it'll bounce straight up at Canterlot. Gonna be a bad day to be a princess I tell you what...
Rule Number One: When challenging Garfield to a burp-off contest, DON'T CHALLENGE HIM AT ALL IF YOU WANT TO RISK A LAND BEING DESTROYED BY A MEGA-GIGA-BURP OF DESTRUCTION!!!!!
Did she serously leave the nazi satanic faust hating rabbit in charge?do you want a tyrant?cause thats how you get tyrants
Man, Garfield is evil. And he still steals Derpy's uniform later anyways.
It seems the ponies don't understand Garfield as well as Jon does, in any case, though Pinkie has now seen first-hand evidence of the orange beast being able to 'devour the world', or at least a lot of sweets.