• Member Since 11th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen May 25th, 2020

AlleyCat124


E

Apple Bloom was left in an orphanage by her parents promising to come back to get her. Discord needs to improve his image with the pony folk. So he invites Apple Bloom to stay at his house for Hearth's Warming. He didn't realize the dramatic change the little filly would have on his heart

This got featured!? Holy crap, thank you everyone!!! Featured: 7/9/2016

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 60 )

I think "alterante universe" tag is appropriate since it doesnt follow FiM universe (CMC being orphans and Chrysalis being good)

Lovely idea, I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this! Your writing is also pretty good! There are some spelling errors, but the characters are pretty well done. Please do continue with this!

Gotta say, so far, everyone is in character and it's nice to see Babs included.

This feels like a ponified Annie. I like so far.

A... FiM / Little Orphan Annie fusion. That's... something, alright.

Its a nice story. I wonder if Discord going to adopt her or they going to actually find her real parents :D

5334609

Well, yes and yes. Discord's last name is Warbucks, you know. I mean, "find her real parents" is sort of more of a long term thing though, sort of ruins her whole "little orphan" schtick.

I just read straight through all the previous chapters, and I'm enjoying what you've written so far. Looking forward to more of this!

One minor complaint: Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, not Sweetiebelle and Applebloom. That's like writing Twilightsparkle, Rainbowdash or Pinkiepie

I want to thank you all for the reviews and constructive criticisms for this story. It really means a lot to me :heart: I've written and rewritten the next chapter, but it always ends up really bad :ajsleepy: but I wanted to let you know I haven't given up, it's just I don't want the next chapter to be crap. So please be patient and I will get to the next chapter soon. Thank you for all the suppor :pinkiehappy:

Taking out a map out of her green scarf, she looked for the directions to the orphanage. Chrysalis Nest Orphanage was the only orphanage in Ponyville. She was going to go to one in Canterlot, but when she thought more on it, she thought best to get an orphan who probably wouldn’t be aware of Discords…….hobbies. She rounded the corner till she stood right in front of it.

Discord's hobbies, apostrophe.

Fluttershy didn’t break eye contact. She was determined to get her way, but inside she was shaking from head to hoof and her heart was beating frantically. She’s gotten better at being assertive ever since she took that seminar, but it still scared her.

This is pretty good it shows that something like being shy is not something you can get over from one day to the next and while Fluttershy has clearly gotten much better at being assertive, but it's still hard for her. I suspect living with Discord or at least dealing with him on a regular basis has helped a lot.

“YOU!?” they both cried out.

HADES!

PIT!

HADES!

PIT!

Hades...

Pit...

IT'S ON!

I'd like to see how this goes, because it's pretty cute and a decent ponification of Annie without it being word-for-word (I'm pretty certain, at least; been a while since I was part of an Annie play). I like how you made Discord as Warbucks, yet it works out fine given his new little backstory. However, the writing could use some cleaning up.

She looks towards the voice that disturbed her wonderful dream. Standing in the doorway was a pony with an appearance of an alicorn, but instead has a black body, green-blue mane, sharp fangs, and holes all over her legs and wings. She was a truly a scary sight, and we had the unfortunate luck to have her as our caretaker. Mrs. Chrysalis was the owner of the orphanage, but she was anything but caring. She tortured us. We always cleaned, we barely ate, and she bullied us until we were adopted by some pony.

In this chapter, we immediately shift from third perspective to first. After a bit, it does go back to third, but it's nonetheless distracting. You get confused as to who is talking only to see it's a mistake. As is this:

“When you find your parents, don’t forget to come back for us.” Sweetiebelle whispered, tears swelling up in her eyes. Also tearing up, Applebloom reaches down her hooves to her two best friends, touching their hooves in turn.
“I promise, once I find them, I’ll get them to adopt all of us. I won’t leave ya. Promise.” She whispers back as Mr. Bundle starts walking away. As the hamper started rolling, Appleblooms gives the filly’s one last smile before she hides herself under the sheets.

This happens quite a bit here. You're switching tenses, and it's hard to tell what tense you actually want to go for. These are small critiques, but they really help to polish a story in the long run, because you don't want to constantly confuse your readers with changing tenses and perspectives. There's a couple of other simple grammar mistakes, but those are my main concern. One quick tip: Editors are your best friend.

5487813 when I read babs come out I was like: what the fuck is happening in this fic!!!????!!?? Then more funny stuff happened and I stopped caring and now
I'm happy.

“Moi? Go too far? Now when do I ever to that?” Discord exclaimed with an exaggerated response.

You want the short answer or the long one?

At first it did nothing, but as the second’s ticked by, Fluttershy’s stare became more and more intense and had Apple Bloom shaking in her hoofs. She didn’t know what it was, but it was like her stare was looking right into her soul, making her feel more and more guilty that she had to get away from her stare of disapproval.

Dissaproving eyeballs indeed.

“I’m sorry!” Apple Bloom yelled quickly at Discord, wanting nothing more than for Fluttershy to stop staring at her. Discord couldn’t help but let out a satisfied smirk; secretly relieved to know he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t stand up to the famous stare.

OBJECTION! In Keep Calm and Flutter On, Discord showed he was the only one who was capable of resisting The Stare so this doesn't make sense! TAKE THAT!

“Ya kinda look like ya’ll have a thing for each other.” Apple Bloom stated bluntly.

Shippers in a nutshell.

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Said Apple Bloom.
“Good. Let’s keep it that way.” Discord answered back.

So much yes.

5979999 I actually have a theory about the stare and Discord. When Fluttershy used it on Discord in 'Keep Calm and Flutter On' he couldn't give a monkey's uncle about Fluttershy's disapproval and opinion so it didn't work on him. Now that they are friends and Fluttershy matters to him, I think it would actually work now. That's just a theory but I like it :rainbowwild: I love your other comments to part of the story! Thanx!

5980498

Fair enough. Couldn't give a monkey's uncle. Imma steal that.

5980498 I don't think Fluttershy's magical stare powers work on Discord at all. That said, I think he's just as affected as anyone else would be if their best friend is glaring at them in disappointment, so in practical terms it works out to about the same effect.

“Discord…..” she warned.

normally i would say, why do you ask if you get angry afterwards, and for Fluttershy it would probably count that way, but it is more or less common that someone get´s angry if they don´t get what they want, so i guess it is okay.

Also i would say he can prank once in a while, but he had overdone it again.

Nice first chapter, not sure if Chrysalis is a bad foster parent in here, but i like here.

please keep above 2000 words at least, 2000-2500 seems to be a nice length for chapters, at least i feel like it.

5334609 if they find their parents, i would ask myself why didn´t they came earlier, or do they still want her?

however nice chapter.

sometimes i think the stare shouldn´t be something that Fluttershy is allowed to do, but since she ins´t going to use it for mean things, it is probably okay.

However, if i would take it a bit more serious, then i am curious, if it would be okay for her to use it on any pony that is a bit mean, since it is doing something against their will.

Since it is not one of those things i am really against, i won´t complain about it.


It is not the worst shipping, but i already noticed that i am not the only one, that things, that Fluttershy and Discord doesn´t really fit as a shipping.
What i actually mean is, i think i don´t prefer them as a pairing, because of well the personality and a bit the look i guess, but the main reason for me is, because i don´t like it, if someone has to marry the first friend/being they see in a story/movie ect.


To be fair, the story is better than i thought something like this could be for me, i mean nothing bad with that, i just didn´t expected much at first, but it is good.
So i hope that you at least doesn´t really make them a couple, but since i don´t hate it comepletely, i could live with Fluttershy X Discord too, if it has to be.

“It’s a camouflage joy buzzer! My friend Scootaloo got it from the joke shop and gave it to me. I thought it would come in handy to put somepony in his place.” Apple Bloom smirked at the baffled draconequus.

Clever girl.

Fluttershy’s ears went down. She knew she was going to regret her promise one way or another, but she was hoping with a little motivation, Discord would actually get his work done the right way. And who knows, maybe Discord will actually ask for something within reason…….maybe.

Discord, ask for something within reason. You're not very genre savvy are you?

“Because I’m the original. Besides, once we merge back, I’ll remember ever single letter and still be able to let out my chaos out so I don’t go sane!”
“That…….actually makes sense…” Discord 2 slowly says. A slight shudder runs through his body.

I'm as unnerved as you are.

“I think I’d rather have fun instead.” With a snap of his talons, Discord 2 makes another copy of himself and turns to him. “Hello handsome, I need you to get some work done for me.”

Oh boy. I can see where this is going.

EEE~ It updated! YAY! :heart:

Apple Bloom's name is two words, not one.

I hope this isn´t Fluttershy X discord, i believe i asked about it already, and it isn´t the first shipping, but i don´t like it, because it looks like they only ship them usually, because Fluttershy is Discords only, and first friend. It is like the first one that is going to befriend him, has to marry him. Like in some animes.

the chapter itself was nice.

6332965 I am going to say that this is Fluttercord. Sorry :fluttershysad: but it's not a main focus so you can still enjoy the story. But if that's something you don't want in a story, I understand. Thank you for liking the other aspects of this story though. It really means a lot to me.

Let me get this straight: Discord uses his chaotic powers to help out a seemingly endless string of pony requests, and there's still public opinion in favor of re-petrifying him because of his annoying pranks? Ponies are jerks!

I hope Discord gets a signed statement from every wish-recipient stating how great having Discord around is or something.

“Well, Apple Jack should still be down there cleaning up some of her apple scones that she baked. Maybe she’ll have some more for us. Shall we?”

"Wait a sec! Applejack? That's got apple in it, like mah name!" :applecry:

"Oh, is that so? Neat," :yay:

...Yeah, how come no-one is questioning that?

Also:

“Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a certain brat I have to get back at.” And with that, Discord disappears.

Yeah, Discord, buddy, FLUTTERSHY IS GOING TO BE WITH HER ALL DAY! I THINK SHE'LL NOTICE YOU'RE NOT KEEPING YOUR PROMISE AND THINK THAT YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT HER TO FINISH SOME PAPER WORK TO SPEND THE DAY WITH HER! Jeez I thought you were smarter than this!

But this chapter does win me over with one, key fact...

...Applebloom kicked Discord's arse! :yay:

Adorable! I like super playful Discord getting into a prank battle with Apple Bloom.

"Well there you are botherin' some filly about fancy froufrou dresses." :ajsmug:
"She can take a break from that to enjoy my delicious apple goodies, can't you miss..."
...
"BUCK!" :applejackconfused:
*jumps through a window, gallops off into the sunset*

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE A NEW CHAPTER!!!!!!

FLUTTERCORD!!!!!

and AppleBlossom!!!!

Still waiting!!!

Thank GOD you're not dead!!!
Great Job but please... MORE FLUTTERCORD.

...Couldn't Applebloom just tell on him? It's not ike Fluttershy won't believe her or anything, she knows Discord and she knows he has it in for her.

Honestly, I'm not liking Discord at all here. I'm hoping he gets some kind of commupance or, at the very least, he starts to respect her more! She has gotten him twice now!

Other than that, I'm still enjoying this. Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

Hahahaha I loved this (I'm on discords side though) he should have dodged.....but I'll just not mention that please update more often great to know your still ...alive:rainbowdetermined2:

6775392 I'm sure Discord will respect Apple abloom more and eventually become friends with her.

6775392
6778835 I suspect that Apple Bloom will get him back with pranks of her own, and that is how the two will start bonding. Discord respects those who can prank him.

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
That was EPIC! So awesome. :rainbowkiss:

Ooooooooo, she got you Discord! :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

Can't wait to learn more about Apple Bloom's relationship with Spike.

LAA knows Spike? Huh.

Soooo
when are shy and discord going to make a filly of their own? :P

This is awesome! I love the alternate universe.

Wow...took 'em that long, huh?

I mean seriously, I'm not sure why Applebloom didn't out Chrysalis as soon as, but anypony with half a brain would've noticed these things, or are we going with the "Twilight is the only one with half a brain" thing?

And how does Chrysalis even remain in charge when social workers come round since...well they would in any normal world. Or is this one of those worlds where social workers only exist in forgotten legends and fairy tales?

Although I do enjoy seeing Spike and Applebloom together, so I can't harp on it too much.

Then the Discord moment was cute too, especially since the God of Chaos seems to have learned his lesson.

A fun chapter overall though!

Keep on keepin' on! :pinkiehappy:

Spotted few misspelled words, but still I laughed at some part :rainbowlaugh:
Great story, keep it up!

That part at the end was really sweet.


7991785 I suppose Chrysalis is supposed to be a master of deception. It's one of those things where in order for us, the audience, to be aware of what she's doing, it appears like it should be obvious for every other character to notice it as well. Also, who knows if there's an actual department of social services in Equestria.

I have to know how this ends. :pinkiegasp: This is just so adorable.

Good to see this back. I think the interactions between Spike and Apple Bloom are really sweet.

8782501
It's the movie Annie. How do you think it's going to end?

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