Darkness. Life will always start and end in darkness. Every living creature has darkness in their hearts, just some more than others.
The cacophony of stallions cheering for your death isn’t especially pleasing when you’re a changeling. Bruises and cuts cover half of my body and hooves and my own green tinted blood running down my body in rivulets. A durable, fibrous rope securely binds my wings to my torso, so that my chances of flying away are about as low as my body suddenly teleporting into thin air. Heavy chains weigh down each of my hooves, making trotting impossible, so I limply walk through a narrow corridor to a wooden stage while two stallion guards station themselves just behind me. Ahead of me on the stage was my fate—a noose. I sigh gravely as the crowd of two hundred or more stallions roar out over and over again a single word: “Death”.
Each second seems to drag on for minutes, as I was acutely aware of my own time running out. The thunderous sound of my own heartbeat, as my senses sharpen in the moment of tribulation. The smell of sweat, hay and dirt. The dryness of my mouth.
A dark yellow stallion with brown shag hair approaches me and fiercely threw an uppercut at my bloody face, causing me to lose my balance and crumple to the stage sideways with a thud. After he spits on my wings and snorts with disapproval, he trots to the other side of the slaughter hall with his head held high.
Ignoring the sudden burst of pain and renew cheering with trembling legs, I slowly rose back up onto my hooves. I painfully groan as I stumble on my broken front right hoof.
“Move it!” One of the guards intimidates me with his pike.
“Buck you,” I shot back, gritting my teeth.
“Say that again,” he snarls narrowing his eyes.
“Buck. You.” I taunt him, emphasizing each word, seeing as my life would either end by his wrath or by a ten foot rope that loops around my neck.
The stallion’s face grows red. Drawing back his hoof to strike, his brows scrunch together, as his eyes narrow at me in hate. He showed me his teeth and his lips part in a sneer of rage. I laugh quietly, both to mocking and further inciting the stallions wrath, but I was laughing that the very same species from which we siphoned magic from, was the very same species that was now going to sentence me to death, just for being what I was. Fortunately, the second guard was able to temper the other, grabbing the end of the pike before I was slaughtered.
“The audience needs their entertainment,” the second guard offers, glaring at him, looking him eye to eye. The hostile guard reluctantly shook off his colleague’s hoof and shoves me forcefully, causing me to stumble and fall, despite his desire that I should move again.
With my teal changeling eyes gazing down at the timber planks while I hobble, I think over the past year. Oh Celestia, it was such a year. Filled with so many lows, but higher highs that effortlessly eclipse the darker times. My eyes fill with tears—not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I suddenly realize that I had actually fulfilled my desires. I had made a few friends whom I truly cared about, and had lived without harming anypony and I ...
I think ...
I feel a peace, despite my impending death. I am not afraid, not of death, nor what may come after.
As I reach the stairs to the gallows, the same stallion who tackled me to the floor just a minute ago, came to me with the noose and notices the grin plastered across my face.
He questions me in a heavy Appaloosan accent. “What are you smilin’ at, you damn changelin’?”
“Well, can’t you see it?” I ask confidently, not wanting him getting the better of me.
“Well, from what I can see, stands a changelin’ who ain't going to be alive for much longer.”
“Then may Celestia have mercy over you,” I pray aloud as he secures the rope around my throat.
He moves over to the lever that drops the trap door, Each hoofstep sounding like the pounding of a judges gavel, declaring with each clop the weight of my 'sins' against these ponies. Time seems to slow, so that each hoofstep took minutes, instead of seconds, a regular metronome ticking off the moments before my execution. I gave a small but conspicuous smile to the audience that was still waiting in suspense. At least I was going to die with dignity. The crowd slowly becomes silent as the yellow stallion places his hoof upon the lever that is to choose for me between life or death.
“Any last words?” He mocks me again wearing a grin of his own.
Slowly sorting through the mess within my own mind, I eventually respond, “Yes, I do have a few last words ... I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my brothers and sisters have harmed the innocent residents of Equestria. I’m sorry that we tried to harvest your love. And I’m sorry that the havoc we caused years ago has led to this ... But, do you know what I’m sorry for, most of all? Each and every one of you.” I aim my hoof toward the crowd. “Some of you could have become great musicians, artists, singers, designers, or maybe even inventors of grand solutions to the world's problems, but instead you dedicate your life to these acts of terror. And what cause have we given for you to hate us? For being different? Then why aren’t you killing dragons and zebras? Because we feed differently than you do? Then why aren’t you killing gryphons?! Instead of facing your fears and seeking to understand us and our society, you would damn an entire species to death?” An eerie silence settles upon the theater, until somepony behind me begins slowly clapping their hooves.
“Touching, very touching,” a mare’s voice calls out sarcastically, her voice thick with the accent of the Northern ponies.
She lowers her voice as she finishes her sentence. “But we asked for last words, not a lecture.”
I draw a quick sharp gasp as I realize the mare behind me, during another stretch of uncomfortable silence. The mare nods to the yellow stallion. Mentally ready, I close my eyes, hoping that the pain will be short and that the last thing I hear is a loud click and a bang.
How did I come to this dreadful fate?
Good so far on the first chapter. I noticed that your narrative is pretty interesting.... and I mean the good kind of interesting! It almost feels like I'm reading an actual novel for some reason. But, there were a few grammar mistakes here and there... and that's all you have to work on!
Keep on writing, my friend,
-Bubbles
5320786 thanks
5320830 Also, no creepers? Let me help you out right there.
Amazing start. To drop a literary term, the dramatic irony that you have set up here could make this story great, as long as you have a proper follow through with it. I love stories that tell you how it ends before it starts when they are done right.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5320838 you refer followers as creepers?
ok, i guess it's the same thing
5320851 Yep, pretty much.
You did a good job of establishing the scene and tone efficiently, and the imagery is pretty strong and evocative. There are a lot of stories that would take a lot more words to get that across. The dramatic irony it sets up is pretty strong too. It's a good jumping-off point for a longer story.
I do have a couple quick suggestions, though:
1. You sometimes slip into past tense, even though most of the chapter is present tense. It's generally best to be consistent about that.
2. I personally think that his speech, while mostly solid, is a bit on the generic side, and it would be good to imply that he's drawing on his own personal experiences rather than the general pony/changeling conflicts. He talks a lot about the fights between the groups but it could use the touch of something that he, as an individual, has undergone.
Best of luck in continuing the story.
5320967 thanks
5320976 You're welcome.
5321023 static.mediatropes.info/pmwiki/pub/images/karkatlol8127.png
what is this picture of?
5321740 That's a character from Homestuck.
check the paragraphing, and this first teaser chapter might have been to long for my taste. still deserves a thumbs up.
Interesting. Well I'll certainly be watching this.
Keep going! ;)
5324665 thanks
While this was interesting, and it was. I'm not sure I want to read it, if this is how the story ends. It feels like I'm standing at a railroad, just waiting for the trains, I know it'll wreck and I still have the chance to turn away.
5326132
Then you should avoid reading Moorcocks Elric of Melnibone
First Page: This is Elric of Melnibone - it is his fate to end this world...
Last Page: And so... this world ended.
And you stand there and ask yourself... WHY the hell are there over thousand pages between?!
But reading it is quite enjoyable like a greek tragedy.
I actually like this kind of narrative.
I would like this more if it werent extremely villifying the ponies just to give changelings positive light. Zecora didnt get chased to the guillotine because she wasnt understood. Ponies shunned away from her.
This would have been better if the griffons or Diamond Dogs did this as they appear to be ((at least by appearance and carnivorous nature)) more inclined to blood and massacre rather than the herbivorous ponies.
Hmmm...
Who the hell approved executing an entire species?
.....
Probably Luna. Or Shining.