• Member Since 23rd Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 6th, 2019

Lilim


Italian pegasister

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Rarity has something special for Applejack so, when she has to take Sweetie Belle to Sweet Apple Acres for a Cutie Mark Crusaders sleepover, it seems the perfect occasion to give it to her.


Edited by Palaikai

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 30 )

Aww, adorable!

5244384 thank you! :heart:

>> Lilim Do you have release date on chapter 2?

Very well written just one mistake. When you are adding periods to quotes don't forget to put the period in the quote. For example

"We're almost there darling. What is all this rush about anyway? You are gonna spend the whole night with your friends".

It should have been like this "We're almost there darling. What is all this rush about anyway? You are gonna spend the whole night with your friends." With the period in the quote. But other than that I liked the story. Very cute. Plus I really like your profile picture. (I love Cartoon Hangover). :heart:

This is a very nice story and I will gladly read Chapter 2 if release. Just one thing I feel that Applejack says "sugarcube" a excessive amount or is that just me?

5244856 I think the story is marked Complete. I think this is a good place to end it though.
Short and cute.

5244856 Sorry, I'm not planning to write a second chapter. I'm really glad you liked the story though :heart: thanks a lot

5246145 Thank you for the advice! I'm gonna edit as soon as possible. I keep forgetting it because here they teach us the exact opposite way :derpytongue2: and thank you again: I was like :yay: when I found two of my favourite characters in the same picture!

5246390 Uops :derpyderp1: maybe I exaggerated a little :applejackunsure: I'll cut one or two. Thank you for the remark!

5246405 Thank you :heart: I'm really glad you liked it!

You really need to work on your commas, or the lack thereof.

"Come on, Rarity!" she prayed her sister jumping around her "We'll be late!".

That sentence reads like it's Rarity that's doing the jumping. Also, prayed is the wrong word. I think you mean "implored" or "entreated".

"I know, but we have a full program scheduled for the afternoon and the evening". Sweetie explained shining enthusiasm

Sweetie was explaining shining enthusiasm? Is that different from regular enthusiasm? You need a comma after "explained". My suggestion would be you read this back to yourself and pay attention anytime you take a breath or there's a pause. That's where you need to think about putting in a comma or fullstop.

5247471 Thank you for your advice! I'm sorry for my missing comas, but I'm still working on this kind of details. English isn't my mother tongue and I'm trying to improve step by step.

One major readability suggestion:

Separate all paragraphs with a line of white space. It makes your story significantly easier to read. You have some paragraphs which are properly separated, but others which are not. If you do so consistently, it will make your story much more accessible to people.

5256421 Thank you really much for your advice, mr. Dragon! I can't wait to read your stories about my favourite couple :heart:

5256586
Thanks. It is always nice to see a new face writing RariJack stories! They're such a fun couple to write about. :heart:

Yup any time you've a chance in character dialog , ya need to break it as if your starting a new paragraph, keeps people from getting confused about which character is speaking ^_^ other then that it's starting to be a cute story , Ima fav this and stalk you to see how it evolves .

Mane Medic

5262024 thank you for the advice! I'm glad you liked it, but I'm sorry: I don't have any plans for a second chapter :unsuresweetie: hope you don't mind

Ahh :( and this had a lot of promise to be a rather cute 3 or 4 chapter story . Oh well ^_^ still gonna stalk you to see how you evolve as a writer. ^_^ /)

Mane Medic

A very nice sweet story! This is amazing! :D

5794135 Thank you so much! :heart: I'm glad you liked it!

So cute!!!!

5912853 Thank you! :heart:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

This was very nice (I wish there was more ;_;)

6136723 Thank you! :heart: I'm glad you liked it (sorry....:unsuresweetie: )

So cute! You should write more stories! :twilightsmile:

6353111 Thank you! :heart: I would really love to, but right now I don't have the time. Maybe in the future...:raritywink:

Palaikai changed his/her name to Ashi an year or so ago, but quit earlier this year. He/she came back for a few days, but then disappeared again and is now known as goaway with an essentially empty account. Quite unfortunately, really, he/she was a great writer, and as I can tell from this story, a great editor.

Beautiful - great story!
Love the way you write.

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