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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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More please.
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Man, that ending was great and quite the cliffhanger. I hope to see more.
I wonder what your favorite animal is...
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Wow. Presumptuous little fucker, aren't you?
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5317863 5318023 5318097 Ok you people hate this so I am going to say say this sorry for being so damn nervous about this but at least I am trying my hardest to interest all of you but I can't win every time so my apologies if you all don't like it but that will not stop me from moving forward and trying to get better at this. I have been encouraged by my friends and family to write a story and they gave me hope so I ask what would you write In my place.
like to see more
5318185
Something original and visibly competent.
The personal pronoun "I" is supposed to always be capitalized.
This kind of implies that something as huge as sudden trans-dimensional displacement and unexplained transformation has happened to him before. I mean, if his idea of fate "messing with him" before now has been just stuff like minor fender-benders, I don't really think that counts.
Punctuation is your friend, and you should use it more often. Putting words in all caps, however, is not your friend, and it should be used sparingly or not at all.
As this is in the style of casual speech, I'll give it a pass for not being a complete sentence. It is, however, still in need of a comma. Plus, you forgot to capitalize the first word.
The word "propose" is not the same as the word "purpose".
The bad news: you've talked me out of reading your story.
The good news: because I haven't read it, I won't vote on it.
Well...
I'm going to hazard a guess that English is most certainly not your primary language.
On to more serious matters.
The grammar and sentence structure in this story is so mismatched and scrambled, it's quite difficult to keep track of what is going on. Please find a proof reader and editor to sort out this chaotic jumble of an attempt. Also, try to be more descriptive. "Tattoo like markings" what pattern? Can it be a butterfly? Tribal, skull, GT Stripes?
The story itself feels rushed and not thought through. By all means write what pops into your head, but rewrite it in a well organised manner afterwards. I couldn't bring myself to read more than the first paragraph (If you can call it that)
Don't give up writing but also don't expect people will just give you a thumbs up because it's your first story. You have to earn that.
Keep on writing, I hope your next attempt is better and this experience left you a bit more humble.
bro so awesome wright more
Sex tag.
I better see our wolf protagonist ruin some pone puss.
And that little crow's as well while we're at it.
I don't care if it's physically feasible or not, it needs to happen.
5318185
We never said that. We just have problems with it, we never said anything about hate.
If this is you pushing your limits in making something original and interesting, I'm a little scared.
Okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you ARE trying. But sometimes, you need to look over everything and find out why we have problems with this. You aren't gonna get better thinking negatively about others opinions, because its the truth.
1.) Make the wolf be friendly
2.) Sneak into houses at night
3.) Kill as an incognito
4.) Remove Sex/Romance tags
5321784
Ok listen sorry I got confused about people hating my story. 1 Don't worry there will be death in the next chapter, 2 sneaking into others peoples houses just no that is not how I work, 3 I plan to make my wolf friendly anyway, 4 I am not going to remove those tags because you don't know what I have planed for our canine hero all I ask is that you be patient and wait like everyone else then you will see why they are there I appreciate you trying to help so thank you for understanding.
i need more you hear me i need more
I am a bit confused, he is a wolf and walkes like a wolf usually does right?, and the others are anthros and are walking on two legs right?
Well i don´t know which else beside a crazy (Screwloose) would be able to be his romance, beside a second OC, but maybe i don´t understand something. Well in the end i can say, the story could be something i maybe start to like, is he becoming something like a pet to Celestia or something like that?, i think it would be still able to let him walk arond freely.
5326142
Well Texus like I said before you will have to be patient I never said that the main character was the only one who would be having a romance here ok secondly with the walking I wanted the mane six and the princess's to at first see him as a common animal like a timber wolf or a manticore. Now I am not going to give any more hints about next chapter. So all I ask is that you all trust me and wait for the next chapter.
5326434 Well okay, i agree to wait, i can say that i am interessted.
This is a good story so far, and i can't wait to read more of it.
Great story, can't wait for the next chapter. Keep it up mate.
Aside from the pacing, this is a very good story. I am eager to see where this leads.
...Wow... Alright. Pacing is a big issue, as is some grammar stuff. Lots of missed commas and other punctuation. Dialogue... Its just painful. I can't tell if your character can actually speak here or if he's only thinking. There is a reason thoughts are usually done in italics. To be dead honest, I was more turned off by the sheer number of crossover folders this story was listed in.
I know this is only the first chapter, so I can't truly say if there are enough elements from those listings to rate them being there... But... Legend of Zelda, Dishonored, Assassin's creed... This is a story about a guy turned into a wolf and dumped into Anthro-questria... Where do those aforementioned franchises even fit into this? I can maybe see Zelda, what with Twilight Princess depicting Link as a wolf for a good chunk of the game... But unless your character is Link, which we know he's not, that's got nothing to do with Zelda. The fact that this is also listed under clop, adventure, and AU... Look, all that's fine... But if you're going to do something that ambitious, then it's going to need some slow building, both plot and world, to get your readers hooked and invested before you just smack them in the face with all this. Looking through my feed and seeing this listed as all these things only after I'd clicked because the title caught my eye... Its a slap in the face with a Cat-O-Nine-Tails made of every IP you could think of, or so it seems.
I apologize, but I can not bring myself to even attempt to read more of this, and you will be getting a down vote from me. No offence, but this, I feel, warrants one. Don't take it personally, don't think I just skimmed then said "this sucks". The reason I'm bothering to type out all this now is because I want you to know just why I downvoted and what I feel needs to improve about this story.
-Dark Parable.
Never eat Celestia's cake!
Uh-oh! He just committed the greatest crime against Equestria.
He ate Celestia's cake.
6164530 i know what i do if i was in his position i make a run for it
quick question, if you are a wolf, why do the guards figure you have sentience?
Hmmm........anthro wolf stuff again...eh,ill give chapter 2 a chance.
this chapter is hard to read because of no commas and punctuation and instead of using a stop you just and then carry on with your sentence and it becomes really long winded and loses all meaning and becomes almost robotic in its monotony
.....And, breathe.
Okay. I'll read this.
I'm pretty sure that, just like a dog, wolves can't eat chocolate without getting sick. I mean, they are both canines...
Very long run-on sentence.
There is nothing here that is put together well. Give me a hollar when you decide to put some effort into it.
I remember now why I had only read one chapter of this.
Please, you really need to either rewrite the chapter (Just fix the flow and grammar) or get an editor.
Really, I read a single paragraph that felt like it went on FOREVER before I saw a period.
That's one god damn sentence. ONE!
You really, REALLY need to use punctuation better and avoid these run on sentences. Because let me tell you... they are plentiful.
(Also... you really shoved the whole 'I was beaten as a child' thing down our throats)
On the plus side at least you use the tab key, and actually DO divide your chapter into paragraphs... so that's good. Many first time writers don't do such things and it's a real eyesore to read.
I'm telling you this for some constructive criticism because... I really don't think I can read the story or even fav/like it if it's this hard to read. The direction and plot is very promising... it's just the delivery needs work.
What is this a crossover of? Mlp and.....?
7190303 A Human Turned Wolf
7190303 It's crosses over multiple games (Plus a created universe)
Pretty good. Can't wait for more.
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're a non-native English speaker, because there is no way in hell you made it through school writing like that.
Plot thus far: 7/10.
This isn't something I've seen done to death so points for originality.
Character depth: 5/10.
Nothing special thus far. Seems like a DARK AND TROUBLED TEEN WITH A DARK AND TROUBLED PAST THAT IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY DECENT GUY sorta thing. Not the best, but at least it isn't another piece of shit that everyone loves anyway because 'they can tell he's a good person'.
Writing: 2/10.
Poor grammar, sentence structure, story flow, idea communication, descriptions, and punctuation. That said, I notice a surprising dearth of spelling errors so you've got that much going for you.
7260184
you could have used a bit more tact honestly but you've got a point, either way it seems like an interesting read so ill overlook the mistakes and give you (the author) the benefit of the doubt. plus, we all have to start somewhere right?
Does he look like a wolf or a werewolf?
Alright, so if you looked at some of the recent comments on a story that this text is linked to you should know that I believe that anything can be done well, even the horrible ideas. This is merely an idea that has been done before, if not as often as other HiEs, and has been proven to be able to produce good works, but if you happen to have gotten better at writing since you wrote this, I suggest going back and editing it to be better. There are a large amount of places where you could have done better with wording and punctuation. The pacing is, quite frankly, confused. It goes from slow to quick and back and forth quite rapidly. Where did he find the bird? The garden? Then how did he end up in the garden actually? I have no idea how he got there, merely that he crashed through 2 windows and ran past some guards. Why is the bird so trusting? He's a predator. Not only that, but wolves are carnivores, not omnivores or herbivores, meaning that they kind of can't really eat cake, and are a lot better with eating things like little birds. If you improve, good job! But you have to have a good opening/early set of chapters. This is not really bad, it just has poor pacing, wording, punctuation, and doesn't quite explain well enough.
I hardly have time to write an extensive review before work. For now, commas.
Can you imagine if everyone wrote like this Herr there is no commas to provide the proper phase in the middle of a sentence while also seemingly only stating facts without proper detail to immerse the writer into the story? Its nearly mumbled junk if you read it outloud to yourself.
Late when I have time, then I will write a review on hpow to improve this story...
I have to agree with others here, this needs to be hit with the editing stick till it isnt a mess anymore.
Its a interesting idea to begin with, but there are issues and that was just the first chapter. If you go through and properly edit I can give it a proper shot then.
7029530
I completely and totally agree. I love the idea of the story, but its just painful to read. it really is.
I'm going to give reading this a shout because she idea is interesting to me, and because I see it has a lot of content.
But I agree with these folks, and the people they quote, that this needs to be edited with passion.
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7832959
Might I suggest a Google doc of this story, and just let us have a whack at it? Or find a few users to volunteer as editors for it. I wouldn't mind proofreading as I actually read, since I'm starting from the beginning.
......beaks can't form a smile, and how young is the crow? the can't eat straight worms until a certain point of age, they need to have it digested by the mother or they could choke or die from exhaustion of trying to process a worm, they need it mostly processed by the mother to be able to do the rest, and paws are not very good for cleaning wounds or tying bandages, no matter how smart that wolf is it still has the body of a wolf
You ate celestia'a cake. You poor fool. RIP
I like the idea, but you need an editor badly. I couldn't get past the first chapter.