• Published 9th Nov 2014
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Deadpool in Equestria - MrAquino



What happens when Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth, lands in the magical land of Equestria? Same thing that happens in every cross story, but with more Deadpool!!!

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Holiday special #2: A Deadpool tale.

"~Deadpool." A ghostly voice spoke "~Deadpool!"

"Go away." Deadpool groaned "You're gonna die, Santa."

"DEADPOOL!!!" Wade snorted and woke up. He scratched his eyes and looked up. A familiar person stood, or in this case, floated near him.

"...Oh hey! My O.C.: Deathstroke!"

"I am not your O.C.! I came first! You're a copycat!"

"Heh! Then why are you a ghost?"

"You killed me, remember?"

"...Oh yeah! DEATHBATTLE!!! Oh, please, let me have a new episode!"

"Shut up! Deadpool, you have committed crimes-"

"Not here."

"Against the holidays. You're going to be visited by three spirits."

"Aren't you one of them?"

"...Not exactly. Now, listen to these spirits, or else you're going to die!"

"HA!!! Good one! I never knew you were a joker! Ooh! Speaking of which! How's the horrid Jared Leto Joker coming? Are you going to be in with DC's version of 'The Expendables'?" Deathstroke remained silent. "Oh, did I hit a button there? Butthurt? I think it's butthurt. Want me to kiss it?" Deathstroke stabbed Deadpool in his face, knocking him out.

"That feels better."

Ghost of Hearths Warming past.

Deadpool woke up in what was a swamp area.

"Well... that was weird." Deadpool commented, looking around. "Where am I? Is this Froggy Bottom Bog? DO I GET TO KILL A HYDRA!?!?!?"

"Kill one, you shall not." A wise voice with a familiar laugh spoke "Learn about the past, you will." Deadpool turned to see the famous Jedi Master himself, Yoda!!!

"HOLY S**T!!! YODA!!!"

"Heard about me, you had."

"Damn straight!"

"Ghost of Hearths warming past, I am."

"Ooh! Are we going to explore the past of Equestria?"

"Yours, we are."

"...oh... well... question."

"Hmm?"

"Do you count the prequels as canon?"

"... Forget the past, I had. Yours, we won't."

"F**k." Yoda used the force and the place turned into what was a trailer park with snow falling.

"This place, you remember?"

"...Yeah. This was my old home."

"Explore, we shall." They entered the home, seeing young Wade watching some old Christmas special on a really crappy T.V., his father snoring away on a recliner, and his mom making their dishes.

"Hey! That's me when I was young! Man, I was so cute when the bruises went away! I was lucky when my father was asleep and when my mother was awake. Man, my father loved playing games like 'catch the bottle' to ' who can punch the hardest'. I always lost the last one."

"Happened often?" Deadpool took off his shirt, seeing bruises on it.

"That explain?"

"...See it, I wish not."

"Just wait until I got a girlfriend a couple of years later."

"See it, we shall." Another time jump, and a teenage wade was making out with-

"THE F**K!?!?!? That's a dude! Not a hot chick!!!"

"Intoxicated, you were."

"I f**ked a dude drunk!?" Both old & young wade's ceeks perked, turned to the left side, and puked on the floor.

"What's the matter?" Deadpool's lover asked, revealing that it was Mr. Sinister before becoming Sinister.

"It's Mr. Sinister too!?" He puked again.

"I don't know, Debra." Young Wade replied "I feel... we have a connection, you know."

"We have more than a connection." Sinsiter spoke seductively.

"TURN IT OFF!!!" Deadpool yelled "TURN IT OFF!!!" Another scene change, and it revealed a mall. The mall was packed, but a line was formed, kids with their parents waiting to meet Santa. And in that line, near the front, was Deadpool.

"Joy, you had here." Yoda spoke "Drunk, you weren't."

"Yeah, I remember this. When I meet the most straight Santa ever."

"One you're meeting, yes?"

"No, that other one." He pointed at a strange looking Santa. "For some reason, that Santa reminds me of Celestia." Yoda face palmed himself.

"Idiot, you are."

Replace Delerious with Deadpool and the other Santa with you-know-who.

At that moment, the rest of the Weapon X crew came along and killed the xenomorph attacking Deadpool.

"Get off your ass, Wade!" Wolverine growled "You're still in this assassination!"

"But Santa!" Past-Deadpool whined "I got a teddy from him."

"There's no such thing as Santa!" Sabertooth yelled.

"...S-Santa... isn't real?"

"NO!!!" they all yelled. Deadpool stared into space. His childhood crumbled as he envisioned himself falling into the world of adults with an overused 'Boom'. Omega red slapped him.

"Focus!" he yelled "We must kill target before going home."

"... I don't want to anymore." Deadpool replied.

"If you do this, I'll show you my twins." Lady Deathstrike spoke seductively. Deadpool's head popped up.

"B-Boobies?"

"Oh yes! Our target is disguised as Santa, and he-" Deadpool disappeared.

"And he's going on a murder spree now?" Sabertooth asked

"Most likely." Wolvierine replied, taking a cigar and lighting it. "Nice job on telling him Santa didn't exist."

"He's a full grown man believing a fat man delivers presents to good boys & girls." Deathstrike replied. "Someone needs to tell him."

"... I'll be back in base." Omega Red commented, walking away.

"What happened, you remember?" Yoda asked.

"Oh yeah!" Present-pool replied "And I believe I have the most fitting song to go with this."

Past-Pool went on a killing spree, killing anyone dressed up as Santa in horrible ways with 'Get ready to die' playing. To say this was ugly is an understatement, as kids everywhere cried, seeing 'Santa' getting killed from another man in red who looked a lot like Spider-Man. And that is why J. Jonah Jameson beleive Spider-Man is a criminal.

"Horrible, this is." Yoda commented.

"Not as bad as your prequels!" Present-Pool commented, followed by some 'OOHS!!!' Yoda stared at him angrily. A lightsaber levitated and was thrown into Deadpool's head.

Ghost of Hearth's Warming Present.

Deadpool woke up to be on a cloud above Equestria.

"Butthurt, Yoda is." Deadpool spoke as he got up.

"Welcome, Deadpool." a woman's voice spoke from behind. Deadpool turned around to see a pale blue pegasus mare with a white mane & blue stripes, but had much more paler eyes. "I am Snowdrop, the ghost of Hearths warming present."

"Aw, aren't you adorable!" Deadpool replied, followed with him- "HEY! No blind jokes!"

...What!? Deadpool, I though you-

"Only with Daredevil, but this is a pony! Plus, she's dead! Respect the dead you sick f**k!"

"Who was that?" she asked

"Just a F**kboi."

You're a F**k boy!

"What's a f**k boy?" she asked.

"Nothing to go with this. So~ What are you here for?"

"To show you what's happening right now." Deadpool snickered. Snowdrop stared at him angrily, then kicked him in the nuts. He fell to the floor, wheezing. "Funny now?"

"...My bad."

"Good! Now, just watch." The place changed into Ponyville. The sun rose and, as if on cue, all the fillies & colts woke up to cheer as presents are found underneath their Hearthswarming tree.

"Hey! I broke into every home and took their presents away!"

"You did, but Princess Luna found you doing this and delivered all the presents & decorations back to their owners."

"Every single one?"

"She's very organized than you think. Plus, look." At Deadpool's own house, Bob, Weasel, Blind Al, Vanessa, Cable, and Death all sat together, opening presents to each other.

"Hey! Why am I not there!?"

"This is a few hours into the future, and this is if you didn't listen to us."

"Hold on! This is the future? Shouldn't you be the ghost of Hearthswarming future!?"

"No. This is still technically today, the future is in the next day."

"Damn it."

"And they're not the only ones celebrating this wonderful time." They then saw many important things happening: The Apples and pies spending the time together, Rainbow Dash going to Scootaloo's house, Rarity & Sweetie Belle going to their parent's home, Fluttershy & Discord celebrating Discord's first official Hearths warming, and Twilight with-

"Stop making out with Twilight, Author!"

Oh s**t! Who-Who put that there!? I-I-I certainly didn't! That's... that's a fart!

"Quit lying to yourself, virgin!"

"Who's a virgin?" Snowdrop asked

"The person who made this."

"...Ok. But, you get what I'm saying? All of these ponies and your friends are enjoying the holidays, so you should as well."

"F**k no!" Cheerful music began to play.

"Will singing help you change?"

"I'd rather have Mr. Sinister F**k me again... sober, this time."

" Too bad. ♫It's in the singing of a street corner choir

It's going home and getting warm by the fire

It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Hearth's warmness♫"

The Cakes followed the singing blind pegasus. They gave a gift to Littlepip & Blackjack.

"♫A cup of kindness that we share with another

A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother

In all the places you find love, it feels like Hearth's warmness♫"

"♫It is the season of the heart

A special time of caring

The ways of love made clear

It is the season of the spirit

The message if we hear it

Is 'Make it last all year'♫"

Changelings began to sing.

"♫It's in the giving of a gift to another

A pair of mittens that were made by your mother

It's all the ways that we show love that feel like Hearth's warmness.♫"

Celestia & Luna, followed by Deadpool's own voices

"♫A part of childhood we'll always remember

It is the summer of the soul in December♫"

♫It's when you do your best for love, it feels like Hearth's warmness.♫

More Solo, but was now followed by the town, including moi, singing.

"♫It is the season of the heart

A special time of caring

The ways of love made clear

It is the season of the spirit

The message if we hear it

Is 'Make it last all year'♫"

She landed back to Deadpool, who began to dance along.

"♫It's in the singing of a street corner choir

It's going home and getting warm by the fire

It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Hearth's warmness!

It's true, where ever you find love...

It feels like Hearth's warmness

It feels like Hearth's warmness

It feels like Hearth's warmness

It feels like Hearth's warmness♫"

"Wow... that was something." Deadpool commented.

"Thanks," Snowdrop answered "but you may not want to look up."

"Oh sure! I 'won't'!" He looked up, only to see an icicle coming down into his face.

Ghost of Hearth's Warming Future.

"Ow!" Deadpool yelled, sitting right up. "Should've moved a couple of steps to the side." He looked around, seeing that he was in an abandoned building. "Hello!? Last spirit? I've come to deal with your bulls**t!" He looked up to see what looked like, hanging like a bat, a Slender-Man looking, but had a face. "Uh... what the f**k is that? And why is it so creepy?"

That, Deadpool, is the Silence.

And as for why it's creepy, well, I decided that it's fitting and that you should Watch Dr. Who every now & then.

"Yeah... I'm leaving!" Deadpool turned around, only to encounter another Silence. "The f**k!?"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that they travel in groups.

"You b*****d!"

"Deadpool~" The silence spoke in an echoing like, yet silent tone. "We are the spirits of Hearths warming Future. Heed these warnings or else you will perish."

"Now that's just terrifying on how hey say it!" The place changed as it revealed a graveyard with a funeral taking action. All around, ponies were everywhere, weeping as a casket was lowered.

"It was such a shame for him to go like that." Fluttershy weeped.

"I know," Twilight added "I never knew a single piece of metal could kill him."

"Who's in the casket!?" Deadpool asked "What's in the box!? WHAT'S IN THE F***ING BOX!?!?!?" The silence opened it, revealing that it was Deadpool himself.

"...How did I die!?" The place changed again, revealing Deadpool was having a nice stroll from the park. Somewhere else, two other ponies were observing a piece of metal found on the floor.

"This is certainly a new metal." One of the two spoke "Think we can use them?"

"Yeah, just place it on the counter." The other replied. The piece of metal was put on the corner, but it fell out of a window. Deadpool was underneath the window. It fell into his head and he died instantly.

"...Carbonatium!?!?!?" Deadpool yelled "I died from Carbonatium!? This can't get any worse."

It does. Blind Al is taken to the home, Weasel is finally free to do what he wants, Bob was able to both kill the Red Skull and become the face of Hydra, Vanessa dies from a lack of Deadpool (because reasons), Cable had to switch to Direct T.V. to survive (but died in debt), and the worst part of it all involved lady Death.

"U wot m8!?" Yes, after finding out the way Deadpool died, Lady Death rejected Deadpool's soul and instead went to her ex, Thanos.

"That purple b***h!?" And, with no Deadpool or crew to stand up & fight, not only was earth conquered, but Equestria as well. Turns out, the Elements of Harmony were more infinity stones, so while Thanos was able to kill the tree of harmony easily, he had to make a third glove to fit the elements in. And if you want to know where he has a third, you don'[t want to know.

"Wow... all of this because I hate the fat red man who calls himself a saint but ruined the holidays?" Yes. And, with all of this, both worlds were destroyed by Galactus in the following week. And sorry, not the giant man in pink, but the giant fart cloud.

"Damn you Fox for ruining everything!!!" And speaking of Fox, in the future, the Deadpool film did terrible for the critics-

"That's not much of a surprise!" and the audience.

"...What?" Turns out, the film was so terrible in so many ways; predictable & terrible plot, jokes so bad that it makes Adam Sandler films look like Oscar deserving films, effects that are even worse than Fant4stic's and Green Lantern's combined, terrible fighting complete with so much shaky cams, and, as icing on top of this, it did worse than the Jem film.

"LIES!!! THEY'RE LIES!!!"

"You must change your ways, Deadpool." The silence instructed "Follow these, or else this will happen!"

"Never! I'll avoid windows!!!"

"You cannot escape your own destiny! Follow these, and you might survive to stop these things from happening."

"I'll think on it then. Now, what's gonna happen this time? Are you going to point at me with your d**k fingers and fire lightning at me?" They did just that, though their 'mouths' opened while doing it, looking a bit like the famous 'Scream' portrait.

Author's Note:

Part three is coming before the 25th. Now... I didn't plan this either, but the next chapter is the 100th chapter. So~... YOU GET TO MAKE THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! Hearths warming related is all it needs to be, but go crazy!

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